Category Archives for "Uncategorized"

0 What to do if your crush insists on you telling them

Sphumelele asks: I have a really huge crush on this guy, I befriended him and we’ve been hanging out a few times and he’s great company. I told him one day while we were texting that I’m crushing on him and his reply was, “we’ll talk when we get together again,” and that I shouldn’t be a coward by telling him this over the phone. Now my worst fear is that he might tell me he doesn’t feel the same, and it’s something I don’t want to hear looking at him rather a text or a phone call. How do I know he feels the same?

Hi Sphumelele –

Ooooh, do I love crushes!  They’re so much more fun than just friendships or even romances – they’re nothing but magic!  Well, at least until the people actually start to speak.  Then they become more… relationships.  And that’s where you are.

So Sphumelele, I can’t read minds, and I can’t promise what’s going on in this guy’s head.  But I do have a thought:  when someone doesn’t share the same interest someone else has in them, and gets uncomfortable about it, that usually makes them avoid that person.  And certainly avoid the topic.  So when this guy said to you that he wants you to be more brave and tell him face-to-face, that sounds to me like he’s ABSOLUTELY interested!

In fact, the only concern I have is about what he might be interested in!

On one hand, he might feel towards you exactly the way you feel towards him, and so he might want to admit that when you two can… well… do something about it!

And on the other, he might not feel as strongly as you, but he might think it could be a lot of fun to enjoy the effects of your feelings for him.  In other words (to some degree or another) to take advantage of you.

Now that’s not necessarily a bad thing.  If you really want to kiss him, and he would enjoy kissing with you, there’s no real damage done.  But if you’re hoping for a beautiful romance, and he’s thinking of taking things further than you are, and you suddenly find yourself in a difficult situation where you’re saying ‘no’ and he’s saying ‘don’t be such a coward”…  Do you see where I’m going?

So I’m going to recommend two things to you.  First, SURE!  Meet up with him and tell him face-to-face about your crushing!  You know he’ll be happy to hear it, and won’t reject you.

But second, I want you to go to the following page on my website, https://askshirelle.com/2010/06/02/how-should-i-deal-with-it-if-my-date-wants-to-do-more-than-i-do/ , and read that question and my answer.  Because I want you to be happy and strong and the great romantic you are – and not have anything go wrong with it.

Sound good?

Great.  Then GOOD LUCK, and HAPPY CRUSHING!!!

Shirelle

2 Should a working woman stay with a man who doesn’t want her to work

Manisha asks: I have been in a relationship for the past 4 years. We are very serious about each other. I also have a job, but my boyfriend does not like this, but I want to do this job because it’s a good company and for me it’s a big opportunity. He wants me to leave this job because my job hours are 1pm to 10 pm, which he doesn’t like. Before this job I already worked with 2-3 companies also, but always he said to me that leave those also. I even worked in day shifts before, which he also didn’t like, but now I want to do this job and I want his support. He is short-tempered, and while I know he loves me very much, he speaks very harshly to me about my job. And his family also does not want me to do this. We have regular fights with each other. I don’t understand how to convince him. And I love him so much that I am searching for another job. So please tell me, is that good to work late at night? I have always to be on time, and on a daily basis I am doing video calls, phone calls – in short, I am giving my 100% for this relationship but I don’t want him to be sad. I don’t know what’s the problem with me doing this job. I can’t live without him. Should I leave this job for his happiness?

Hi Manisha –

Wow, I’m really torn on this.  On one hand, I love that he wants more of you, that he hates having you away from him, but on the other, it sounds like he might have that attitude that says that women shouldn’t work – and that’s as last-century as Rin Tin Tin movies!

But in truth, I have no more right to give my opinion than he does.  Less!  Because I don’t know a hundred other issues.

For example, how is your boyfriend doing financially?  Is he so well-off that he could support you and a family easily?  So there’s no reason – if you two stayed together – for you to need to work?  Or is he being silly, not acknowledging that he’d really need you to work for you two to be able to have a good life?

For another, could you change your working hours – or could he change his – so that you two could have more time together without one of you having to quit your job?

And beyond that, what’s his family’s interest in this?  Do they just not like women working?

But really, all of these questions are secondary.  The big one is what Continue reading

0 What should a teacher do if they develop a crush on a student

Vanitha asks: I’m 27 and single. Even as a teenager I haven’t ever admired any guy’s physical appearance. For the past 2 years my parents have sought an alliance for me, but its not working. Due to that depression I’m getting attracted to many guys these days. Currently I’m working as a teacher, and now I’ve developed a huge crush on a student. I know this is a wrong thing, but I can’t control my feelings. I want to see him always. Please advise me.

Hi Vanitha –

Your letter brings up a lot of issues, but for me the best thing is your understanding that you simply can’t act on those feelings about your student.  It would be really wrong.  But, at the same time, it would be crazy to deny those feelings are there.

In fact, I think your feelings are absolutely appropriate.

We dogs are born way more developed than you people – after all, we’re usually walking within a few days of our birth, and you guys don’t get started on it for a year.  But once we get going, most puppies develop at around the same rate.  Whereas you humans vary a lot.  Some babies start with a few words, and build their vocabularies, while others don’t say a syllable till they start talking in complete sentences.

And then there are what are called Late Bloomers.

Those are the people who seem more like children, well into their teen years.  Maybe they don’t start getting interested in anyone romantically/sexually till years after their classmates do.  Maybe even their bodies change later than other teens.

And Vanitha, you sound to me like a very Late Bloomer.  It sounds to me like the feelings that most girls start getting around age 13 didn’t come to you until you were in your 20s.  And now you’re beginning to notice men, and are ready for your first crush.

Well, doesn’t it make sense that your first crush is on a teenage boy?  After all, most other girls’ first crushes are.

Just because your body is 27 years old doesn’t mean your romantic sense is.  No, you’re actually going through a teenage experience, much later than most.

And there’s nothing wrong with that.  In fact, it’s kind of cool.  As long as you don’t do anything wrong.

Think about it.  Most teenagers want to be able to leave home and stay out all night…  You Can!  Most teenagers want to be able to drink the same things as adults… You Can!  And most teenagers want to be treated as equals by the grownups around them…  You Can!

But as you enter the world of romance, you’ve got a bit of a problem.  What we want is for you to Continue reading

0 How to tell if a new romance is a liar or tells the truth

Wazenga asks: Hi, I met this guy on a dating site, and we’ve been chatting for a couple of months. He broke up with his wife before they got married, and I am divorced. So although we’ve never met, we communicate very early every morning , tea time or lunch time, before we go home, when we got home, talk about what we going to eat, he likes to ask me what must he cook for his evening. He works at the United Nations, always calling me when he gets to work, if he’s not in the meetings… We sometimes fight like any other relationships, but he will call and apologize and tell me that he doesn’t wanna lose me not now or ever. Then he told me that he wants us to take it easy… So do you think I can trust him? And on the day we meet, what/which questions must I ask him in other to be on the right side of this relationship, since I also feel that I do love him so much?

Hi Wazenga –

United Nations?! Wow!! That is COOL!

But I’ll try to take the stars out of my eyes and focus on your real question – which is what to do when you meet someone you’ve created a relationship with online.

Ah, you humans! You make everything so complicated!   We dogs never start relationships online – we always base them on sniffing! And smell tells us a great deal – about mood, history, and even someone’s diet! I’m so sorry for you folks stuck with just words and images! (After all, even those pack members who’ve been here for years don’t know what I smell like – and I’m YUMMY!)

So I think you have one biggest question of all to answer, which is (I hate to say it, but) whether everything he’s told you is true. Can he show you where he works? Introduce you to his friends, or family? And can you do the same for him? (Have to admit, I don’t quite understand that thing of breaking up with his wife before they married – how is that possible?)

Humans, unlike dogs, can lie. And there’s no way you two will be able to trust the other enough for a real romance until you are both sure of who the other is.

So I’d start there. But of course, neither of you will be able to prove yourselves at that first meeting. So I’d suggest you make plans for some time to do all that proving, but then, when you do first meet… I’d say to soak each other up. See what he looks like in 3-D, in person! Listen to his voice! Feel the touch of his hand. And yes, smell him. While you humans are way more thought-centered than we are, you still have gut instincts that can tell you a lot from that actual meeting.

And then? I’d say to talk about everything you haven’t talked about yet! Music, movies, your favorite colors, whatever!

THIS IS SO EXCITING! Anything you talk about will be amazing!

Please let me know how it goes!

Here’s Hoping it’s even better than you imagine!

Shirelle

0 What to do when someone who’s in a relationship flirts with you.

Power asks: There is a girl that I have not met, but we talk, we chat, and she promised to visit me at my place and stay for a couple of days. But she has a boyfriend and she loves him, but also feels some affection for me – and as for me I do love her. I decided to let it go and told her. Its over but she doesn’t want it to end. What should I do?

Hi Power –

You’re in a funny situation.  Usually, when someone is being “two-timed,” the other person is keeping it a secret from them.  But this girl is being open about it with you.  I like that.  But there’s one thing I don’t know – is she also being open about you with her boyfriend?

And that question worries me.

See, if she’s telling him as well, then all is equal, and all is fine.  But if she’s not, then you are being kept “on the side,” while her main relationship is with him.  Which would be fine if you were treating her the same way, but you’re clearly way more interested in her.

Now none of this is a real problem, yet, as you two have never even met in person yet.  But if you did, what would you do?  Would you start to see her “on the side,” out of her boyfriend’s sight?  Because that can become really humiliating for you (or dangerous, if he finds out and gets jealous!).

So look, I relate.  My human Handsome has girlfriends, and while they’re together I’m a bit less important to him.  But he always comes back to me, and he never pretends I don’t exist or that he doesn’t love me like crazy.  Otherwise I couldn’t stand it.  So I just want to make sure you’re being treated okay.

So again, for now, I don’t see any problem.  And if she ends up breaking up with that guy and you two become an item, that’s fantastic.  But I do caution you against becoming something secret and ‘convenient’ for her, in person.  The chance of your heart being shattered is just too high.

Wishing you all the best luck with this!

Shirelle

0 How to set new rules in a relationship.

Guptaaa_ asks: See, my problem is with my boyfriend. I have been crushing on him continuously for the last 4.5 years, and then last year we came into a relationship. In that relationship he ditched me and left me. Now after the last few months apart he came back to me a few days ago. It seemed like he is serious, but now it doesn’t look that way. Tell me? What do I do now?

Hi Guptaa –

Wow this sounds really difficult.  The first part of your story sounds wonderful and romantic – you have this long crush on a guy and then you two actually get together.  It’s the perfect love story.  But now he’s leaving you, coming back, acting serious, acting not serious… this is like those experiments where they teach dogs to expect a piece of food every time they push a button, and then stop giving them food when they push the button, or give them food when they don’t push the button, and the dogs go mad.  (And by that I don’t mean they get angry, I mean they go stark raving nuts!)

So my goal here isn’t to get you two together, or to get you to leave him – it’s to keep you from foaming at the mouth and running around your town biting random children!!!

The only way I can think of to protect you is for you to Continue reading

0 How to sincerely apologize.

rohit1996 asks: Some days ago I did a mistake. In anger I insulted a girl who is my friend. My behaviour was the worst. We have not talked for long time. Now I feel guilty. I want to tell her I’m sorry. But she is out of town for a long time. I want to talk her about my mistake, but I can’t call her because I think she doesn’t want to talk with me. I am afraid for if she will not talk with me then I can’t do anything. Please give me a solution. I felt very sorry for that moment. but at that time situation is not in my control. I want to apologize for my behaviour in front of her. So plz help me. It’s a long time since we’ve talked. Now I can’t face her.

Hi rohit1996 –

So this is going to sound weird, but you’re actually in a very good place for this.

What I mean is that, very often, people get into arguments and insult each other, and feel they’re each completely right. In this case, you know you were wrong to do it, so there’s no disagreement there. You just have to convince her of two things: first, that you know what you did wrong and are sorry; and second, that she’s safe trusting that you won’t do it again.

The second takes time. The first just requires the simple thing you’re trying to do: getting her to hear you. And for that, I have a few suggestions:

• You might be right that she won’t talk to you. But this is 2018, and there are lots more ways to get in touch with her than ever before. If you text her, and your text begins “I am so sorry,” even if she wants to ignore it she’ll have seen those words. But you can also write her on social media (but in a private way; don’t embarrass both of yourselves by posting it publicly), or in an email, or you can leave a phone message. In fact, maybe you could do ALL of these – so she really gets the message that you care.
• You could write her an “old school” letter. Yeah, the kind on paper, that you mail with a stamp on it. Why? Well, hardly anyone does that anymore. So it seems more official, more serious, more permanent.
• When you get the chance to see her in person, don’t hold back. Just walk right up to her and apologize. Even if you’ve already connected, it makes it clear that you’re going to regret that insult as long as you live. My friend Handsome made an awful mistake a few years ago that he apologizes to a couple of people for still, and plans to for the rest of his life. It’s not that they haven’t moved on and forgiven him; it’s that he can’t forgive himself. And he wants them to know that.
• Whatever you say, MEAN IT. What you wrote me really speaks your pain. Let her hear it too. We dogs don’t apologize much, but when we do, oh man do we let it out – we lick, we run in circles, we howl, we whimper, we jump up – ANYTHING to say how much we feel. So let those feelings out. It will be impossible for her not to notice.

Okay, rohit1996 – those are my suggestions. But there’s, of course, one possibility remaining. That she might refuse all of them. She might be so angry, or so hurt, or so afraid, that she simply can’t let you back in. If so, that’s just awful, and you can certainly keep trying. But it might be a situation where you have to move on, and kind of give up on her. That’d be the worst, but if that happens, you both can live better lives than you would if she just keeps having to avoid you for years.

So try to reach her. Try as hard as you can. And most likely it will work. But even if it doesn’t, you’ll know that you did the best you could.

And I’ll bet you’ll remember never to blow up like that again. And for that alone, this will have been a great learning experience, and make the rest of your life a better one for you and for everyone you know.

GOOD LUCK!

Shirelle

0 How to become a veterinary nurse

future asks: Hi, recently I have been thinking about my future a lot. Which therefore means I have some questions about my career choice, I want to be a veterinary nurse, so what path do I take to get that?

Hi future –

I’m afraid my experience with veterinary nursing has always been on the receiving end (OUCH!), so I’m no expert on how to become one. But I can tell you, on behalf of all the animals in the world, THANK YOU for wanting to do such a beautiful, selfless, job for your life.

I don’t know where you live, but most places have veterinary schools. If you’re near a big university, they’d be especially likely for it. My advice would be to do a web search of veterinary programs near you, and then to contact some of them and see what they recommend for you.

Maybe you need to take some other classes before you can attend theirs, or maybe there are some things you can do to improve your chances of being accepted (such as to volunteer at an animal hospital or barn?).

And of course you’ll want to check to see if you can get a scholarship or financial aid, if the cost of the classes is too high.

But whatever you do, again, I can’t thank you enough for even just WANTING to be there for us. We count on you. And are eternally grateful.

All my best,

Shirelle

0 What to do when someone gives you mixed signals

Pennelope0214 asks: Hi so I have this guy who is really cute and perfect. I am not sure if he likes me too or not. There have been times when he has shown his care and gets upset when I do something wrong. Like today, I abused a guy and this guy got kinda upset and stopped talking to me. I tried too hard and apologized. After a lot of effort he finally accepted it. When we go for walk he wraps his arms around mine but leaves when someone comes. We always have lunch, dinner, breakfast altogether. Today when he was angry he didn’t even take his dinner. I don’t know what is on his mind, which I’d really like to know.

Hi Pennelope0214 –

So of course, I don’t know anything more than what you’ve told me, but I’ll say this – based on what I know, I like him too! I like that he got upset when you were mean to that other guy (It shows character, like when my human friend Handsome pulls me away and scolds me if I pick on an annoying puppy).

I also like that he shows affection to you, but then doesn’t show it off to others, as so many guys do.

But of course, then I don’t like that he actually leaves! And I’ll bet you don’t either!

So the fact that you eat pretty much all your meals together means he likes you a lot – at least as a friend. But then it’s clear that he’s not letting you know everything.

And here’s the bad news – I have no idea what else he’s feeling. He could feel “brotherly” to you, and enjoy holding you in that way, but be more interested in someone else. He could have very mixed feelings toward you and not know for sure what to do. Or he could be in love with you and frustrated that he doesn’t know how you feel!

So since I can’t read his mind, the only suggestion I can come up with is that you Continue reading

0 How to meet new people at college

arjai101 asks: Being at this technical university is incredibly lonely. I’m not truly a part of high school, but I’m also not truly in college either. It’s incredibly isolating. I go hours on end without talking to other people. The only time I talk to people is when I go to the rock climbing gym on campus once a week. I almost always meet people there and have a great time talking and climbing and all, but I never see those people again. I feel weird asking for their contact information as everyone is so much older than me, and I’m only 16. It feels like I’m doing something I shouldn’t be because these people are actual adults, which I sometimes forget. I’ve met only one other student like me on campus, and he’s in one of my classes. At first, we talked quite a bit. But after the first week, we stopped talking altogether; we don’t even really sit next to each other anymore. I think maybe he just talked to me because at the beginning of the class I seemed really smart or whatever because I answered like one really hard question. And, everyone was all impressed. Everyone was sort of initiating conversation with me then because they thought maybe I would give them an advantage. But after that all died down, no one pays me the time of the day. Even when I wave at them outside of class, it’s kind of an awkward thing. Also, the other dual-enrollment student is only part-time and I’m full-time, and he’s a year older than me, so I guess that’s a barrier. But, it wouldn’t kill to at least pretend like we know each other. Anyhow…I’m not offended by any of it at all. I just feel incredibly lonely and isolated, that’s all. All in all, I’m still happier at Georgia Tech than I ever was at my high school. It just has its cons. Maybe if I lived on campus, I’d feel more a part of everything. Trying to stay positive because I know I made the right decision leaving my high school. I’m just trying to figure out how to meet other people.

Hi arjai101 –

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again – I’m so impressed with your journey! Do you have any idea how many 16-year-olds would have been too frightened to try what you’re doing?

So I’m in the tough place of, at the same time, saluting your bravery and acknowledging that what you’re going through is exactly what we could have guessed you’d go through. None of this is really a surprise – even to you.

Here’s what I think is the main issue. Every new student at the school feels just as new, nervous, and alone as you. Or at least they did when they first got there. Then each of them found whatever connections they could – maybe they made one or two friends in their dormitory hall and have stuck with them; maybe they joined a fraternity or sorority or some other social group; maybe they joined a group based on their interests (political, cultural, religious). But – and here’s the tough part – they then tend to get comfortable with those people. “I’ve done the hard part of reaching out to someone new, now I have my peeps, so it’s too difficult to keep doing that!”

And I might be wrong on this, but I’m going to guess that this is even more true at a technical university than at one full of people entering political science and theater and other, more social, subjects.

So in other words, I’m agreeing with you. You still made the right choice, but your not living on campus, and perhaps your age (not that you’re too immature, but some of them might feel “oh she wouldn’t find the things I like interesting; she’s too young” or maybe even “she’s too brilliant to find me interesting!”), get in the way of people getting to know you.

So my best suggestion – really my only one for right now – is to Continue reading