How to set new rules in a relationship.

Guptaaa_ asks: See, my problem is with my boyfriend. I have been crushing on him continuously for the last 4.5 years, and then last year we came into a relationship. In that relationship he ditched me and left me. Now after the last few months apart he came back to me a few days ago. It seemed like he is serious, but now it doesn’t look that way. Tell me? What do I do now?

Hi Guptaa –


Wow this sounds really difficult.  The first part of your story sounds wonderful and romantic – you have this long crush on a guy and then you two actually get together.  It’s the perfect love story.  But now he’s leaving you, coming back, acting serious, acting not serious… this is like those experiments where they teach dogs to expect a piece of food every time they push a button, and then stop giving them food when they push the button, or give them food when they don’t push the button, and the dogs go mad.  (And by that I don’t mean they get angry, I mean they go stark raving nuts!)


So my goal here isn’t to get you two together, or to get you to leave him – it’s to keep you from foaming at the mouth and running around your town biting random children!!!


The only way I can think of to protect you is for you to make some demands.  Like “If you want to be in this relationship, you’re going to have to act like it.”


What are the ways he’s acting not-serious?  Is he not responding when you text or call him?  Then, just like Handsome teaching me to come when he calls, you need to let him know that’s not acceptable now.


Is he flirting with other girls?  Well, then you can either walk away from him when he does that, or start flirting with boys in front of him.


What matters here is that you let him know one simple fact: THE RULES HAVE CHANGED.  You’re not the little girl you were five years ago, or even a few months ago.  You’re more mature, and demand some respect.  And if he’s not capable of it, then he’s not good enough for you.


Yes, that’s just what I said!  If he’s too flaky and immature to give you some basic consideration, then you deserve someone better.  Especially after all this time.


Now hopefully, your making these things clear will just wake him up to start treating you better.  And then your relationship will have actually improved for having gone through this rough time.  But if that doesn’t happen, and it means you two break up, you will be in great shape for knowing what you want in your next relationship.  Which should mean that relationship will be way better than this.


So although there might be some pain ahead, the news is actually all good.


Best of luck!



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