rohit1996 asks: Some days ago I did a mistake. In anger I insulted a girl who is my friend. My behaviour was the worst. We have not talked for long time. Now I feel guilty. I want to tell her I’m sorry. But she is out of town for a long time. I want to talk her about my mistake, but I can’t call her because I think she doesn’t want to talk with me. I am afraid for if she will not talk with me then I can’t do anything. Please give me a solution. I felt very sorry for that moment. but at that time situation is not in my control. I want to apologize for my behaviour in front of her. So plz help me. It’s a long time since we’ve talked. Now I can’t face her.
Hi rohit1996 –
So this is going to sound weird, but you’re actually in a very good place for this.
What I mean is that, very often, people get into arguments and insult each other, and feel they’re each completely right. In this case, you know you were wrong to do it, so there’s no disagreement there. You just have to convince her of two things: first, that you know what you did wrong and are sorry; and second, that she’s safe trusting that you won’t do it again.
The second takes time. The first just requires the simple thing you’re trying to do: getting her to hear you. And for that, I have a few suggestions:
- You might be right that she won’t talk to you. But this is 2018, and there are lots more ways to get in touch with her than ever before. If you text her, and your text begins “I am so sorry,” even if she wants to ignore it she’ll have seen those words. But you can also write her on social media (but in a private way; don’t embarrass both of yourselves by posting it publicly), or in an email, or you can leave a phone message. In fact, maybe you could do ALL of these – so she really gets the message that you care.
- You could write her an “old school” letter. Yeah, the kind on paper, that you mail with a stamp on it. Why? Well, hardly anyone does that anymore. So it seems more official, more serious, more permanent.
- When you get the chance to see her in person, don’t hold back. Just walk right up to her and apologize. Even if you’ve already connected, it makes it clear that you’re going to regret that insult as long as you live. My friend Handsome made an awful mistake a few years ago that he apologizes to a couple of people for still, and plans to for the rest of his life. It’s not that they haven’t moved on and forgiven him; it’s that he can’t forgive himself. And he wants them to know that.
- Whatever you say, MEAN IT. What you wrote me really speaks your pain. Let her hear it too. We dogs don’t apologize much, but when we do, oh man do we let it out – we lick, we run in circles, we howl, we whimper, we jump up – ANYTHING to say how much we feel. So let those feelings out. It will be impossible for her not to notice.
Okay, rohit1996 – those are my suggestions. But there’s, of course, one possibility remaining. That she might refuse all of them. She might be so angry, or so hurt, or so afraid, that she simply can’t let you back in. If so, that’s just awful, and you can certainly keep trying. But it might be a situation where you have to move on, and kind of give up on her. That’d be the worst, but if that happens, you both can live better lives than you would if she just keeps having to avoid you for years.
So try to reach her. Try as hard as you can. And most likely it will work. But even if it doesn’t, you’ll know that you did the best you could.
And I’ll bet you’ll remember never to blow up like that again. And for that alone, this will have been a great learning experience, and make the rest of your life a better one for you and for everyone you know.