Vanitha asks: I’m 27 and single. Even as a teenager I haven’t ever admired any guy’s physical appearance. For the past 2 years my parents have sought an alliance for me, but its not working. Due to that depression I’m getting attracted to many guys these days. Currently I’m working as a teacher, and now I’ve developed a huge crush on a student. I know this is a wrong thing, but I can’t control my feelings. I want to see him always. Please advise me.
Hi Vanitha –
Your letter brings up a lot of issues, but for me the best thing is your understanding that you simply can’t act on those feelings about your student. It would be really wrong. But, at the same time, it would be crazy to deny those feelings are there.
In fact, I think your feelings are absolutely appropriate.
We dogs are born way more developed than you people – after all, we’re usually walking within a few days of our birth, and you guys don’t get started on it for a year. But once we get going, most puppies develop at around the same rate. Whereas you humans vary a lot. Some babies start with a few words, and build their vocabularies, while others don’t say a syllable till they start talking in complete sentences.
And then there are what are called Late Bloomers.
Those are the people who seem more like children, well into their teen years. Maybe they don’t start getting interested in anyone romantically/sexually till years after their classmates do. Maybe even their bodies change later than other teens.
And Vanitha, you sound to me like a very Late Bloomer. It sounds to me like the feelings that most girls start getting around age 13 didn’t come to you until you were in your 20s. And now you’re beginning to notice men, and are ready for your first crush.
Well, doesn’t it make sense that your first crush is on a teenage boy? After all, most other girls’ first crushes are.
Just because your body is 27 years old doesn’t mean your romantic sense is. No, you’re actually going through a teenage experience, much later than most.
And there’s nothing wrong with that. In fact, it’s kind of cool. As long as you don’t do anything wrong.
Think about it. Most teenagers want to be able to leave home and stay out all night… You Can! Most teenagers want to be able to drink the same things as adults… You Can! And most teenagers want to be treated as equals by the grownups around them… You Can!
But as you enter the world of romance, you’ve got a bit of a problem. What we want is for you to find a person of an appropriate age (say, over 21), who feels emotionally right for you. That might not be too hard (after all, male humans are usually a few years behind females in maturity; you’re just an exception in this one regard!). But you just HAVE to control yourself from doing anything wrong with that boy.
I have a funny story about this. My human friend Handsome was a Late Bloomer too. He likes to say that when he left his parents’ home, he was 18 years old going on 11. Well, a few years before that, he went to a summer camp. And there was another boy there who was clearly more developed – his voice was deeper, he was very popular, and he carried himself with loads of confidence. Then just recently, Handsome connected on Facebook with one of the counselors from that camp, a very beautiful art teacher all the boys (and I’m sure many of the girls) had had crushes on back in the day. And there he found her having a conversation with that same popular boy (now of course a grown man), mentioning that she’d had a bit of a crush on him back then! (I think her wording was “oh if you’d only been a few years older…!”)
Now why am I telling you all this? Not because Handsome got jealous (it was so long ago, he found it kind of funny instead), but because no one had any problem with that woman telling this man about this… now. But if she’d told him that back then, she’d have certainly lost her job, and maybe even gotten in trouble with the law. She had to let him have his teenage years, and grow up safe and strong. Just as you need to do with that student of yours.
My friend, now that you’re seeing men in a new light, you’re going to find lots of guys you like, and lots of them are going to like you too. And you’re going to be able to grow through the experiences you share with them.
Just keep control over what you do with whom… and your romantic life, late as you may be, will bloom into the loveliest garden you’ve ever known!
All my best,