0 What to do when your boyfriend’s or girlfriend’s parents family reject you for having a handicap

Sneha asks: I was in a relationship. As I am handicapped, his parents rejected me. After that he apologized on behalf of his parents, but he left me alone after one month. I was ill so I contacted him again. He was talking with me nicely, but not casual, but again he started me neglecting me. I don’t know what to do.

Hi Sneha –

I get lots of letters from people in relationships with boyfriends and girlfriends who run hot-and-cold.  One day they’re friendly, the next day they’re distant.  And my usual advice to them is to talk to these people about it and tell them how it bothers you, and see if they change.  If they do, great; but if they don’t, I suggest they leave, because these people are showing them just the way they’ll continue to treat them in the future.

And my advice to you is the same.  But I’m extra-bothered by something else you say in your letter.  This guy was in a relationship with you, but his parents rejected you because you have a handicap?  What sort of jerks are they?

If a handicap makes you unattractive to someone, that’s sad but understandable.  But this guy liked you, was attracted to you.  And his parents said your disability made you unacceptable?  I think that’s crazy.

Has your boyfriend ever asked his father what would happen if his wife was in a car accident and became wheelchair-bound – would he divorce her for that?  Or has he asked his mother what she would do if her husband had a stroke and lost some of his speaking ability?  Move out of the house?

Love is a beautiful thing, and truly committed marriages are profound.  I don’t know where you live and what actual words your wedding ceremonies include, but I’ll bet they have some sort of concept along the lines of “for better or worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, till death do us part.”

I live with a human who loves me like crazy.  And if I don’t do something stupid like get hit by a car while chasing a squirrel, I’m going to become either sick or old or both.  And I know my human won’t reject me for that.  He’s told me, he considers it a sacred duty, that he will stay with me until the very end, however that happens.

You deserve that too.  Of course I know there’s nothing “lucky” about your disability, but there is something lucky about how it’s shown you what your boyfriend’s family really is.

So if you break up with him, I’m sorry and hope you find someone else very soon.  But if you two try to work things out, I’d strongly suggest you get him talking about his parents’ values, and whether or not he shares them.

Because I’m REALLY  bothered by what they did!

All my best,

Shirelle

0 What to do when a pursuer pulls away

Free asks: I was in a relationship with this guy for the past month. I’ve known him for five years, but wasn’t so close before. He always keeps messaging me and says that he loves me, but when I initially kissed him, then all those things went a little less. Moreover he’s having his studies, and his parents are mad at him because he doesn’t study. He didn’t spend New Years with me. I felt bad, but instead I messaged him keeping my ego aside. But he read the message and didn’t reply for days. I even asked him later if everything was okay – and he even didn’t reply. What should I do?

Hi Free –

So if I’m understanding correctly, for almost five years he’s been pursuing you, telling you he loves you, and such.  And then a month ago you two finally kissed, and since then he’s been distant?

Well you may be right to focus on his studies and his parents; maybe he’s under lots of pressure to think about something other than you.  But if so, he ought to have the courtesy to tell you!  Maybe he needs to stay focused till some tests or something.  But the only way for you to know that would be if he opened up about it.

Or perhaps he’s a guy who, like all us dogs, just loves the thrill of the chase.  So much so that, once he’d managed to get you to kiss him, suddenly he lost interest in you.

In either of these cases, my inclination is to Continue reading

0 How to make a relationship work after losing a child

Positivevibes asks: The last 2 years have been a rollercoaster for me and my partner. We have been together for 3 years. All started off well – he has a 9-year-old son, and after we met I soon fell pregnant with our daughter. We found out she had a heart condition that was serious and affected her daily life. In the first 3 months of her life I ended up with postnatal depression as I found things difficult, and me and my daughter went in to a mother and baby unit. After I got better we soon settled in to being back home all together. Then when she was 8 months, my partner became unwell with bowel cancer. And when our daughter was one she went in for open heart surgery and was touch-and-go for 3 months. Remarkably she pulled through. During this my partner underwent chemo so it was a heart breaking time for all of us. In March they both were on the mend and things settled. But by this time, my partner and I were hardly ever intimate. Then, in September, our daughter died. We are both struggling with this. I do understand that his feelings are all over the place, but we have not been intimate for months. He only cuddles me when we sleep, we barely talk, and he only says “I love you” if I say it to him. I have tried so many times to talk to him about it all, but he won’t talk. He just says he does not know what’s going on with him and shrugs. Every time I ask him I feel like we end up in an argument. I am really struggling. I have been trying to lay off the subject as I feel like it’s pushing him further away, but I’m so lonely and I am an affectionate person – I need to feel loved; instead I feel so lonely – and it’s also making me feel unattractive (I have put on weight and I don’t look the same as I did when we met). I end up crying myself to sleep most nights. We are in desperate need of help. I just don’t know what to do any more. I can’t lose him as well.

Hi Positivevibes –

Normally, we dogs look at you humans as lucky.  You can drive around, you can shop at grocery stores, you can play video games… but your story reminds me that a human can go through tragedies that make us sound like the lucky ones.

Of course everything else you’ve dealt with sounds bearable to me; it’s the loss of your baby daughter that breaks my heart.  I know that’s a wound that can never be healed, for you or for her father.  I’m just so horribly sorry.

The trick, for anyone who’s undergone such a horrific loss, is to Continue reading

0 What to do when you’re in a relationship with someone who loves you but is always rejecting you

Leonardo03 asks: I’m in a relationship in which romance does not exist. I always get rejected by her and I’m so tired of being rejected. I love her so much and she love me too but I want to feel to myself that she can give her all for me.

Hi Leonardo03 –

I’m a little confused by your question, but I find that this sort of confusing relationship exists often between people.

You see, to my doggy brain, it makes no sense that this woman is always rejecting you, but she loves you.  Yet I’ve seen this happen often.

To my eyes, there are two possible things going on.  One is that she loves you, but either doesn’t want what you want in terms of physical intimacy, or wants it but is afraid of it.  In either case, you’re finding her behavior “rejecting,” while to her, she’s just trying to protect herself.

Imagine if you were with a woman who insisted that you eat broccoli, but you hate broccoli.  And every time she offered it to you and you said no, she took it personally.  That would seem ridiculous, wouldn’t it!  Well, maybe, to her, this is that same situation.  She’s shy or nervous or just more prudish than you, but in no way wants to reject you or send you away.  Instead, she really loves you and wants to keep you close to her however she can – but not in a way that feels harmful to her.

If this is the case, then you just simply need to communicate more.  You need to let her know what you’re feeling, and she needs to let you know where she’s at.  Maybe she’s hoping you two marry, and that then she’d be able to give you all of her body and soul.  Maybe she’s waiting to see further signs that you’re committed to her.  Or maybe she just needs a little more time.  In any of these cases, if you’re willing to wait, she’s saying that you’ll get everything you want from her – but not till then.  Are you okay with that?  If so, then relax and give her that time.

But now, there is another case, and I’ve seen this one too.  A man Continue reading

0 Why men may develop breasts (gynecomastia)

Ryan asks: I have gynecomastia, a common problem in many today. I’ve been mocked by my friends, called names and embarrassed all my life. Recently my relationship almost broke up due to this. The girl found out and started to ignore me. I’m unable to work or think about anything else. Please help.

Hi Ryan –

For those who don’t know, gynecomastia is a condition where men develop breasts like women’s.  This is a true medical condition, not the “man-boobs” people jokingly refer to in overweight men.

The good news is that this is fully treatable.  Just as cosmetic surgeons can enlarge or reduce women’s breasts, they can reduce the sizes of yours to give you a normal male chest.  I don’t know where you’re from, or what health insurance will cover where you are, but it’s absolutely fixable, depending on your ability to afford it.

I do have a story about this condition, though.  Which might help you from having them grow back once you’ve had them reduced.

You probably know that there was a culture in the west in the Continue reading

0 How to have both a wife and a girlfriend

Luckyman asks: I got married 9 years ago and we have two children. I have a girlfriend, and she is almost my soulmate. I want badly to live with her. Also I don’t want to lose my wife. I want her for my whole lifetime. I don’t understand why destiny allowed some people to meet, when there’s no way for them to be together I want both of them, but my wife doesn’t accept my girlfriend, and won’t even accept her in our home. I’m struggling like anything. I can’t control my emotions. Please advise me how to make both of them happy and live together.

Hi Luckyman –

I like your choice of a name.  Because you’re right – you are a lucky man. So many men in the world go to sleep alone every night, with no woman wanting them.  And you’ve got two.  Two who sound wonderful.  And what’s great about you is that you realize  they’re both wonderful.

But of course, that also means you’re frustrated, deeply frustrated.  Because you love both, and neither one accepts the idea of you having both.

So what you’re dealing with is the difference between your imagination, which envisions a glorious world where both women are happy to share you, and reality, where neither one is cool with it.

I relate!  I love it when Handsome is totally happy with me and thinks I’m the best thing ever, and I also love jumping onto the table and stealing dinner.  But I can’t have both, I can only have one or the other.  And I have to struggle with that choice.

And you have to struggle with yours.

But again, you have a choice that most guys never get to make!  Whichever choice you make, you’ll have a wonderful woman you love.  (As well as having to hurt the other one badly – I realize)

So my advice to you is to give up on the idea of having both, and instead dive into the very difficult work of choosing between them.  Of weighing the strengths and weaknesses of both, and listening very deeply to your heart, and asking it what it wants.

I wish you could have both.  I also wish I could gobble up a delicious steak every night while Handsome scratches my ears and tells me I’m wonderful.  But I can’t, and neither can you.

So steak or scratching?  Either one’s wonderful – and either one will mean some pain in your heart.

I wish you the best of luck – and the best of decisions!

Shirelle

0 How to deal with gossip about you, even if it’s true

thelittleangel asks: There’s this guy who I’m attracted to, but I don’t know much about him. I’ve been wanting to get to know him, but also, there’s this girl who likes him and thinks I like him and she’s been telling people I like him and she’s been saying bad stuff about me behind my back. My friends think she only is saying this because she thinks I have a thing with him and she’s jealous. In addition, can I have some tips on how to deal with people gossiping about you and your business?

Hi thelittleangel –

Here’s the funny part about being a young human.   You guys are so worried about people talking about you, you don’t realize that it’s actually great!  She’s telling people you like him.  Okay, hopefully he’ll hear about it and think “Hmmm… I hadn’t really noticed her before, but I kind of like being liked by her!”

But now, you also say she’s talking trash about you.  That truly is a problem.

But you have an advantage – you know  that she’s doing it.  So the best thing to do with that is to confront her, ideally right in front of the friends she’s telling it to.  “Hey, I hear you’ve been telling people I have fleas.  Well, here are a bunch of my friends, and they’ve never seen me scratch, even once.  So why are you saying all these lies?”

Can you imagine  how powerful that is?  My guess is that she’ll immediately stop.  After all, the reason to spread that sort of gossip is to gain power, and you’ll have just taken that power right away from her!

And if a bunch of people are gossiping about you?  I’d do the same thing on a bigger level. I know this sounds terrifying, but imagine what would happen if you stood up in the school lunchroom, or at an assembly, and said “People here have been spreading lies about me.  And I wonder if you have the courage to admit it.  Like, who was the one who started telling people I have fleas?!  You don’t have the guts to admit it, do you?  Because you know it’s a lie.  So I’ll leave it to you all to figure out who it was who started it, but just know, they’re not only a liar, they’re a wussy coward too.”

And then sit down, and never bring it up again.  You’ll be amazed how that gossip just disappears.

So I guess what I’m suggesting, in both cases, is for you to find some courage.  The courage to start a conversation with that boy, and the courage to face this girl with the truth.

If you can do these things, you’ll suddenly feel a lot bigger and stronger, which will be amazing.

But don’t worry, you’ll always be thelittleangel to me!

Best of Luck!

Shirelle

0 What to do when your boyfriend or girlfriend is angry at you for not answering a call or text

Deadshot asks: I didn’t pick up my girl’s call. She doesn’t wonna talk to me now. What do I do?

Hi Deadshot –

I realize it might be too late for my answer.  But if it’s not, my answer is…

Give her a little time.

She wants space?  Give it to her.

And one of two things will happen.

First, she might feel “Deadshot has suffered enough, and will answer my call next time, so all’s okay,” and be great with you again.

Or, second, she might keep arguing that you’ve done something horrible.

Now let’s look at this a second.  You didn’t answer your phone when she called?  Why is that such a big deal?  Maybe you were talking to someone, and it would have been rude for you to interrupt them to take the call.  Maybe you were asleep.  Maybe you were busy!

It’s great that she wants your attention, but you’re still a human being.  Hey, even I don’t always come when Handsome calls me, and I’m a dog!  You’ve got the same right everyone else has, to not be at her “beck and call” 24/7.

So if she’s annoyed and feels unappreciated for a few hours, or days, okay.  But if she takes it further, I’d suggest you find another girl, who appreciates you as you are.

And when this last one calls – maybe, just don’t take the call again, ever!

Just my opinion!

Shirelle

0 Should you stay with your boyfriend or girlfriend, or risk another

AmethystJane asks: I am 16 and am dating this guy – let’s call him Mr. A. It’s been almost 2 years and it’s great. But there’s this other guy, Mr. B, who I was in love with for 4 years before dating Mr. A, and Mr. B had feelings for me too All three of us happen to be in the same school and even in the same class. My feelings for B resurfaced sometime back and he was showing interest too. He flirts sometimes and I am afraid I was too soon to move on to A? B had never asked me out or confessed his feelings because he was scared what everyone would say. He confessed his feelings only after I was dating A. I love A but I am having second thoughts. The school year is going to end and there’s a chance that B might ask me out (but I’ll have to be available for that..) Should I risk it?

Hi AmethystJane –

I’m going to give you an answer to your question that might annoy you, so I’ll apologize in advance.

When humans are in their mid-teens, you’re probably the most passionate you’ll ever be.  You guys, when it comes to dating, are like us when it comes to chasing cats!  And like us, when you’re that age, you have no sense of time, in the sense of “there’s always tomorrow.”

And there is.

So when you say that you’re sixteen, and dating a great guy, and wondering if there’s someone else you might like even more, all I want to say is “WOW THAT’S GREAT!  YOU ARE SUCH A LUCKY GIRL!”

I know it doesn’t feel that way right now, that it feels like you have all this stress and worry.  But step back for a second and try this out…

You’re dating a great guy.  But we all know, high-school romances don’t usually last forever.  So it might break up sometime.  Maybe because of a misunderstanding, maybe because one of you just grows in a different direction.

But if this relationship ends, you have someone you’ve wanted, and who’s wanted you, waiting right there, an awesome safety net!

Now, okay, I can imagine you responding, “But what if B gets involved with someone else before A and I break up?  And so I miss my chance with him yet again?!”

Well, that is always a possibility.  But even then, if he’s been interested in you all this time, there’s a really good chance he’ll suddenly find lots of things about his new girlfriend that he doesn’t like all that much – and find you suddenly perfect and available!

But really, my true answer is all about your final question: “Should I risk Continue reading

0 How to change your mentality to be happier

Sravani asks: I want to be alive with happiness, but I can’t because of my mentality. Sometimes it feels like I wanna to die but I can’t.

Hi Sravani –

You’re right.  The only way to be alive with happiness will be to change your mentality.  And there are lots of different suggestions out there on how to do it – and I’m sure most of them are right for different people.  But you wrote me, so I’ll tell you how we dogs do it!

First, look for what’s interesting around you.  There’s always something.  A smell, a sight.

Now, look for what’s beautiful around you.  And if there’s nothing that you see, can you change something to make it beautiful?  Put a picture up, or get a flower?

Now, listen for what’s beautiful or exciting.  And if you can’t pick up anything, put on some music you love.

Now, smell, or better, eat something you really adore.  Super yummy.

And then, sit back and think about all this.  You just experienced so many pleasures.  Things only you enjoy as much as you do.  And try to feel grateful for them. Regardless of what you believe or don’t believe in – just feel some gratitude for having seen a bird, and heard that Cardi B song, and tasted a pomegranate!

Now, do that as often as you possibly can.

And what you’ll begin to experience, as your mind (literally, the workings of your brain) changes, is the realization that there’s always beauty and excitement around.  Even when things really stink.

And the more you pursue these, and the more you share them with others, the happier your days will be.

Now sure, there’s a lot more to do – there’s growth and dealing with old pains and there’s learning and there’s passion.  But right now, I just want some simple basic joys.

I think you’ll find it works.  It does for my whole species!

All my best,

Shirelle