What to do when you’re in a relationship with someone who loves you but is always rejecting you

Leonardo03 asks: I’m in a relationship in which romance does not exist. I always get rejected by her and I’m so tired of being rejected. I love her so much and she love me too but I want to feel to myself that she can give her all for me.

Hi Leonardo03 –


I’m a little confused by your question, but I find that this sort of confusing relationship exists often between people.


You see, to my doggy brain, it makes no sense that this woman is always rejecting you, but she loves you.  Yet I’ve seen this happen often.


To my eyes, there are two possible things going on.  One is that she loves you, but either doesn’t want what you want in terms of physical intimacy, or wants it but is afraid of it.  In either case, you’re finding her behavior “rejecting,” while to her, she’s just trying to protect herself.

Imagine if you were with a woman who insisted that you eat broccoli, but you hate broccoli.  And every time she offered it to you and you said no, she took it personally.  That would seem ridiculous, wouldn’t it!  Well, maybe, to her, this is that same situation.  She’s shy or nervous or just more prudish than you, but in no way wants to reject you or send you away.  Instead, she really loves you and wants to keep you close to her however she can – but not in a way that feels harmful to her.


If this is the case, then you just simply need to communicate more.  You need to let her know what you’re feeling, and she needs to let you know where she’s at.  Maybe she’s hoping you two marry, and that then she’d be able to give you all of her body and soul.  Maybe she’s waiting to see further signs that you’re committed to her.  Or maybe she just needs a little more time.  In any of these cases, if you’re willing to wait, she’s saying that you’ll get everything you want from her – but not till then.  Are you okay with that?  If so, then relax and give her that time.


But now, there is another case, and I’ve seen this one too.  A man believes  that this relationship is what I described above, but the truth is the woman has no intention whatsoever of opening up to him in that way.  Rather, she’s enjoying the power she feels by rejecting him in multiple ways (not just physical affection, but usually by humiliating him, insulting him, etc.).


The funny thing is that, in my experience, this sort of woman will open up about what she’s doing as well.  Not in exactly the terms I just laid out, but by continuing to behave this same way if he opens up to her. For example:


You: “I love you and want to stay with you, but feel rejected when you say no to me.  I’m hoping this is just you waiting for something.  Can you let me know when that would be?”


Her: “Why?  What makes you think I’ll give myself to you?  I’m not some reward waiting for you on some clock!”


You: “So you’re saying that you never want to have physical intimacy, romance, sex?”


Her: “Whoever said I’d be willing to do that with you?  I might want to someday, but you’re not ______________ enough for me to want to with you.  You’d have to improve a lot.”


Do you see the difference?  In the first situation, it’s about her – she’s openly saying she’s not ready, she’s nervous, she’s shy, whatever.  In the second, she’s saying you’re  not good enough.


And from my experience, the only result of that last one is for the person being rejected to grow more devastated than they even have been before.  And possibly for the one who’s rejecting to feel rejected too!  (When the rejected one finally gets fed up and leaves, realizing they’ve been living a lie by staying with this harmful person).


Here’s the fact.  Every person in the world, just like every dog, has great worth.  If someone isn’t able to recognize that worth in you, that’s their problem.  And we can all be loved in many different ways.   I mean, I’m sure you have many men in your life who love you (from fathers and uncles on!), but I’m guessing you wouldn’t want from them what you’re hoping for from this lady, right?


So here’s what I want for you (and for everyone).  I want you to find a relationship that gives you exactly what you need.  Is that a lot of physical affection?  Or a lot of space?  Or a feeling of great propriety?  Or loads of laughter?  Or perhaps a mutual connection to a religion or political movement or art form or…  whatever it might be…


If this woman is capable of giving you that, and you’re capable of giving the same to her, then I’m thrilled with the potential you two have, all the way.  And if not… well, then you can always know each other was important in your life, and a wonderful addition to your experience.


Either is fine.  But please, don’t devote yourself to something that hurts you.  I’ve seen what it can do to people.  You deserve better.


Everyone does.


All my best,


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