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2 A Life of Time – how time awareness makes life better

A Life of Time – how time awareness makes life better

So let me begin this one with what they call a Disclaimer. 

            Imagine that you were asked to write about the great historic landing of humans on the moon that took place 50 years ago this year.  You might write about the history behind it, the international “Space Race” to get there first, some of the personalities involved, and almost certainly the famous words “This is one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind.”  Great.

            But would you also write about the minute details of the physics and astronomy and engineering that enabled this miracle to happen?  Probably not.  Probably you don’t have nearly the knowledge to do so.  But that’s fine; you can still appreciate the historical majesty of the moment.

            Well that’s what it’s like for me to talk about Time.

            We dogs have NO sense of time, in the way you humans do.  Or maybe it’s better to say that we have the sense of time you do when you’re around one year old.  You know how babies go through that stage where they freak out the moment their mother leaves their sight?  That’s us!  “She’s gone forever!  I’ll never see her again!”  And that’s why we go so bonkers when you come home to us after a day… or an hour!  You’re back, and our lives begin again.

            Anyway, now that that’s out of the way, I want to talk about exactly this.  About Time.

            Humans develop a profound awareness of time by adulthood.  That childhood mindset of “Why isn’t it Christmas yet” turns into an innate calendar that – most of the time – keeps a huge number of facts in great order.  For example, to those of you who are fans of it, answer quickly: how many hours are left till the series finale of that TV show about dragons and kingdoms?  (I’ll bet you can answer that in under a minute!).  And to the rest of you, how long till you owe your next tax payment?  Or till your next big test at school?  Or, better, till vacation starts?!  Or how long has it been since you first met that perfect someone?!

            Now we animals are so connected to the Earth and Skies that we might pick up on things you don’t.  Maybe your cat starts meowing right at the time you usually feed her – though of course she has no clock.  Or your dog wakes you up if you’re not out of bed by 6:30, even though the sun is at different places at that hour throughout the year.  And if you ever read the book or see the movie Lassie Come Home, it tells of a dog who always meets her boy right when school gets out, to such a perfect degree that people in their town set their clocks by when they see her walking to the schoolhouse.

            But we are no good at all with long-term time.  That way you can tell when your holiday will begin or you’ll learn who wins the Iron Throne.  We can’t think that way at all.

            Now as I said, babies have our sense of time, and it improves as you humans get older.  But lots of people make the mistake of thinking that just because a person isn’t a baby anymore, they have a fully-developed time sense.  Actually, a human’s conception of time keeps developing all the way into their late teens or early twenties! 

            For example, here’s something funny I see a lot.  When kids are about thirteen years old, in the first week of the school year, they’re assigned some big project that’s due in four months.  Now the super-motivated students (or okay, I’ll call you guys Nerds – it’s not an insult in my book!) will do the assignment right away.  Good for you.  And everyone else will mean to do it, but suddenly they’ll find that three months and three weeks and three days have passed and that thing is due in FOUR DAYS and it’s all a crazy crisis with tears and yelling and angry families and… 

            And it’s completely ridiculous.

            Whether you’re that top student or the bottom of your class, NO one at that age has the time sense to plan out and do that assignment the way it ought to be done.  I blame the teacher, not the kids.  They should know better.  (Unless the teacher consciously used it as a teaching tool, to help the students develop their time sense better.  But I don’t usually see that happening).

            Now you’ll hear about university students “pulling an all-nighter” to finish a project in time, but that’s usually because they should have planned out a week or two better, not four months.  Their brains are further along.

            What I’m beginning to realize, though, is that hitting that ability at age 19 or 22, where you can finally make long-term plans, is great – but it’s still not everything.  There are actually MANY senses of time one can have.  And the more you do, the better.

            So there’s the sense we dogs have, through connection to the Earth and Skies, of time on a deep feeling level.

            Then there’s the sense humans get by about age ten – “I’m bored, isn’t it time for school to get out yet?”

            Then there’s the long-term sense one gets a decade later – “That’s great that I finished what I needed to do today.  Now I should put an hour or two in on that long-term project, and maybe think a bit about what to get my girlfriend for her birthday, which is only two months away.”

            Oh and then there’s a true sense of timing – like what a great musician has, keeping a perfect beat no matter how complicated an arrangement is.  Now that one… I’m not sure that can be learned.  It might be just a gift!

            But I recently discovered another.  One that can make an enormous difference in a person’s life, if they’re willing and able to take it on. 

            Sit where you are, reading this, and try to keep reading, while remaining completely aware of time passing.

            Can you feel it?  You might even feel something physically, like a breeze passing through you as you focus on it.

            And now, if you can do that, try to also sense your body in its space.  As you feel time passing, do you feel how your back, your butt, your legs and arms, your feet and hands, your toes and fingers, your nose and ears are all existing – in time, and in space.  And every movement you do is just affecting where you are in both. 

            It’s a weird feeling, isn’t it?

            Now imagine you lived that way all the time.  Or at least tried to. 

            It wouldn’t be that anxious place I see you humans in all the time, “Oh I’m gonna be late!”  “Oh we’re going to miss the movie!”  Or “Oh I’m going to turn eighteen without ever having had a boyfriend!”  That’s a pretty awful place to live.

            But instead, you’d be aware of time… within the moment.  And doing that, you’d probably make a lot fewer mistakes.  You wouldn’t be late as often, because you’d know at the time  that you were getting dressed too slowly or just right.  You wouldn’t get distracted as often; or rather, distractions wouldn’t be such a problem, because you’d be aware of what you were being distracted from, and able to pop right back into it.

            I think great dancers and athletes have a lot of this quality.  An unending awareness of where they are in time and space.  And butterflies – who are just the most awesome things that exist.  Even if I try to eat them when they get close to me!

            I envy you guys, having these abilities to experience and measure time, and to plan and show up on time, or even late!  Yes, we dogs can’t “show up late” because we can’t conceive of when “on time” is!

            But even more I envy those few of you who can really experience time as it’s happening.  You ballerinas and goalies.  You trapeze artists.  You magicians.

            Although, that’s what you all are to me.  Magicians.  And every bit of awareness of time you gain, the more magic you do, and the more you are.

            Maybe, if reincarnation is real, I’ll have that ability in my next life. 

            But I have no idea when that’ll be!  Hey I don’t even know when that show’s going to come on!

0 What to do when someone you’ve rejected won’t take no for an answer

Jerry asks: A boy proposed to me one year ago and I said no to him. But he continuously sent me messages, so I replied to some of them to make him understand that we can’t be in a relationship, as my family is so conservative and I’m not interested in all these things; I have to focus on my study. But he doesn’t understand this and he emotionally tortures me by saying that I am so arrogant, I have so much attitude. How do I make him understand that he should stop sending me messages because it disturbs me? We have talked so many times on this topic, and at the end he agreed that he would not send me messages again, but he didn’t stop messaging me. I’m tired of him and I have a fear that if someone in my family reads his message then I’ll have to face a big problem. My family is so strict I can’t talk to them on this matter. I have blocked him, but still his message shows on my phone’s notification. I’m 17 years old and he is also 17. We studied together, but now we are in different cities due to studies. We never talked in childhood, but just studied together. He stole my number from my friends mobile. Please suggest what should I do.

Hi Jerry –

 

Well I have an easy answer for you, but you’ve already done it.

 

I get a lot of letters from people with strict families, trying to figure out how to handle the fact that they love someone their family doesn’t accept.  But that’s not you.

 

I get a lot of letters from people who have someone pursuing them who just doesn’t understand their need to study or work, but they’d love to be with them otherwise.  But that’s not you either.

 

This boy has been hostile, insulting, and completely disregarding of your requests to stop messaging you.  The one great thing about your letter is that I’m SO happy you said no when he proposed!  Can you imagine what he’d be like to live with?!  I just want to bite him more with each sentence I read here!

 

So I would have told you to block him.  But you have.  And that’s the part I don’t understand.

 

We dogs don’t understand technology at all – only a few of us have figured out how open a doorknob (my human is very  happy I have not mastered that ability!).  But doesn’t blocking a person mean their communications don’t come through at all?  I would suggest you contact your phone company to find out how to block his messages completely – so nothing  comes through.  Not his words, not a notification that he wrote, nothing!

 

On the other hand, I would also think that your strict family might come into use here.  Parents aren’t usually strict because they don’t care about their kids; it’s because they care so much and want to protect them from everything (sometimes to a point that isn’t good for the kid).  So I would think that if, say, your father, or a brother, saw one of these nasty texts, and especially saw that you had been trying to put this boy off for a while, they might get extremely angry – at him, not you – and go do something about it!

 

Now I’m not in favor of violence, but someone telling this guy to stop what he’s been doing, and maybe scaring him a bit… I kind of like that!

 

So you might want to save the messages you’ve gotten, just in case you’ll need them later.  But for now, again, I’d just say to contact your phone company and find out how to shut this nonsense DOWN!

 

And later, when you’re ready to get involved with someone, and you find someone just great, who treasures you and treats you right… OH are you going to be glad this jerk is out of your life!!

 

All my best,

Shirelle

0 Nothing to Sneeze At … all sorts of allergies

Nothing to Sneeze at … all sorts of allergies

Have you ever taken Antihistamines?

 

See, I’ve been thinking about Histamines lately.  We all know Antihistamines, but their job is to fight Histamines – a natural compound, released by the body to increase inflammation so tissues will bring in defensive substances  (mucous, white blood cells) when it feels attacked.  (Can you believe  a dog came up with that line!  Sometimes I even impress myself!)

 

Histamines are very useful when poisoned.  And very annoying when dealing with allergies.

 

I’m lucky.  I have never suffered any allergies.  But my human friend Handsome was a sensitive child: nervous, a worrier, and got sick often too.  Nothing huge or chronic, he just caught everything that went around.  And each time, what he’d feel was Histamines.  Like millions of microscopic mosquitoes, flying around inside him, stinging him constantly!

 

And I knew a dog who got awful allergies, to fleas!  He was bitten so many times, and scratched so much, that his immune system went haywire and he lost his fur and a bunch of weight… and eventually his life!  A wonderful dog, too, it was a horrible horrible thing to watch.

 

So it made sense for Handsome to take Antihistamines: drugs that blocked the production of Histamine in his body.  Working against his body’s incorrect actions.  But perhaps against his body’s defenses when they were right as well?  Maybe, but it did enable him to survive his childhood!  (They tried giving that dog some too, but I think it was just too late)

 

Now as we know, many of us have physical allergies.  But I think all  of us have emotional ones.  Oversensitivities, fears, based on deep-seated beliefs about ourselves and others and the world.

 

My biggest emotional allergy is to water coming down onto me!  I have no trouble jumping into a creek or the ocean, but I hate rain, sprinklers, and especially getting bathed.  Oh what I’ve put Handsome through, jumping out of tubs, shaking water all over him all the time!  The trick he eventually learned was to use a big cup, and slowly pour water over me while holding the back of my neck.  I still hate it, but that makes it tolerable.

 

Some of us wear our emotional allergies with pride – dogs who snap at anyone who reminds them of an abuser, “Hey you’re a tall man with long hair!  I’m gonna bite you before you kick me!”  Or people who gleefully reject romantic advances, “I know what you’re about!  You just want to hurt me!  I’ll never speak to you again, now that you just asked for my phone number!!”

 

While others find emotional Antihistamine.  Some adults drink when they go to parties, so they can be social.  Maybe you need to overeat when you do poorly on a test.  I haven’t found the way to avoid the feelings of water, but I sure know what to do afterward to get rid of the feeling: I shake it all onto Handsome and then run like crazy around the yard!

 

So is there a solution?  A motivational speaker might say that the key is to just walk through the allergies, suffer all the Histamines, to get strong and make it to the other side of them.  Right?

 

Wrong.

 

Let me tell you, I’ve had years of water coming down onto me, and I’ll never like it.  And I’ve seen sneezing fits in others – they don’ t end, and there’s no other side to it.

 

So does that mean we should just avoid anything that feels uncomfortable?  Or numb ourselves constantly?

 

It’s a hard one, isn’t it!  Just this week I met a woman, very interesting, funny, passionate, who said that she never wanted to see another play as long as she lived.  She found them all torture.

 

Now I don’t know what caused this in her, but I know there are all kinds of plays – dramas, classics, comedies, thrillers, musicals – and it’s crazy to think a human, with a human brain, would reject them all.  (Now let me be clear – I’ve never seen Cats and there’s no way I ever would sit through that filth.  But for a person to never experience My Fair Lady?!  What’s the point of having that great brain then?!)

 

Fundamentally it all comes down to one question.  Is it possible for anyone to live at such a state of awareness that their Histamines – physical and  emotional – only release when they really need to?

 

I don’t know.  If so, I’m not there yet.  And my friend Handsome definitely isn’t.

 

From all I can see, he’ll remain the same dorky man I’ve always loved – scratching, coughing, sneezing…  just as when he was that sensitive child, and for as long as his imperfect two-legged furless body carries him.

And calling me in that very friendly tone… to have a dreaded bath!

 

 

 

 

0 How to avoid hookups on dating apps

Vijjju asks: I joined Tinder but I don’t know what I am looking for! In the sense that I don’t know what I am ready for – a hookup or a serious relationship. I don’t believe in hookup culture, because I’m the type of girl who gets attached very easily, and for a serious relationship, people tell me Tinder is not the place. A couple of guys texted me and they suggested I not trust in some random guys in Tinder as they are there just to have fun, not something serious. To be frank (Don’t judge please) I am very attention craving (maybe), asking for someone to care for me. So what do I do now?

Hi Vijjju –

 

You think a dog would judge you for being attention-craving?  My friend, you don’t know enough dogs!  We’re all that way!

 

Well I’m no expert on dating apps, but I have heard there’s another one called Bumble that might be more to your liking.  It works like Tinder, but instead of the guy beginning the contact, it’s the girl who does.  And for some reason, that’s proven to make the site more of a place to find relationships instead of hookups.

 

I agree that, as you get attached, hookups just aren’t going to be your thing.  Try out Bumble and see if that works better for you.  And if not, ask around about other apps and websites.

 

But in the meantime, as long as you’re on Tinder, just make sure that you write in your profile “Not interested in hookups.”  You’ll get fewer texts, but the texts you won’t get are exactly the ones you don’t want!!

 

BEST OF LUCK my friend!  I’m hoping you find someone soon, and it’s all great, and then you start to freak out about something in the relationship – which means you have to write me about it!!!

Cheers,
Shirelle

0 What to do when you’re only attracting bad people

Tyna asks: I just feel awfully worthless. I recently broke up with my online boyfriend just because I couldn’t get myself to send him nudes. I tried to explain to him that I wasn’t comfortable with it. I hoped he would understand, but it turns out I was wrong. It somehow hurts. Actually it does hurt. Because he is not the first guy who has shown very little interest in me as a person. I feel horrible. Most guys that come into my life see me as a sex thing I guess. They talk about one or two things and the rest is about sex. All my friends have boyfriends who are committed to them. It hurts me because I don’t have one at this age. (22) when they receive phone calls from their boyfriends, I can’t help but admire them. I keep wondering how it feels to have someone who cares about you and checks on you from time to time, someone you can share everything with. I don’t know what to do. I feel demotivated to do anything. I just feel like no matter what I do, no one will appreciate me or notice me anyway.

Hi Tyna –

 

Ouch!  This letter hurts to read!  On a few counts!

 

So first I want to talk about him.  Obviously, I have nothing against online connections – you and I have one, after all!  But our relationship is very open.  I’ve offered to give you advice, you wrote me, and I’m writing you back.  That’s all fine.  But if I wrote you now and said “Send me a photo of your family,” I’d hope you’d be very weirded out!  “What is this dog doing?  Why does she want my family photo?  Something’s weird here!”

 

Similarly, if you met someone online, and they say they want to meet in person, then okay, I’m all for it (as long as you do it in a way where you know you’re safe).  Or if they ask for a photo, just to see what you look like.  But he’s asking for nudes.  That’s not what you showed up for.  (And certainly no one has any trouble finding photos of naked people online; even Vladimir Putin can be seen wearing hardly anything!).  No, he’s asking you to do something you’re very uncomfortable with, and I’m VERY VERY VERY VERY glad you said no!

 

You did the right thing.  Now if he asked if you’d be up for that and you said no, and he said, “Okay, sorry if I offended, I was just wondering,” and went right back to being the guy he’d been before, I’d say “fine, big deal.”  It’d be like when my human Handsome is cooking food and I come by asking for some and he says no, for whatever reason.  He shouldn’t be angry at me for asking, but I should also accept his answer (well… after trying a little!).

 

But second, what really hurts here is that this guy’s behavior adds to your experience of not being wanted for yourself.  And sure, it hurts to see your friends in relationships, I get that.  It’s like when I was in the pound, seeing other dogs get bought by people while I was left there to just sit in a cage… and eventually, maybe, far worse.

 

Now I wish I could tell you exactly how to find that great boyfriend, and get into a healthy relationship.  And I can’t.  But I can tell you one thing – getting Continue reading

0 How to trust someone who’s cheated on you

Anoushka.1998 asks: I have been in a relationship for 2 years. And I really love him. But during this time, he once cheated on me and never accepted it. That’s the reason I could never forgive him. Now he has become what he is supposed to be but I have become extremely insecure. I cannot blindly trust him anymore. I always feel that he might leave me or cheat on me again. And I try controlling it, but sometimes I burst out. Now something happened and I kind of blamed him that he is doing this things behind my back. He is extremely hurt. And broke up with me. He has blocked me from everywhere and is shutting me off. I want him back cause I really do love him – what should I do?

Hi Anoushka. 1998 –

 

 

This is always a very difficult situation.  It’s hard enough to open yourself up and trust someone when they haven’t done anything wrong, but it’s really hard when they have.

 

Now if there weren’t three particular words in your question, I’d have some very particular suggestions on how to try to repair the relationship.  But those would be based on my believing that both of you agreed about what happened in the past.

 

What worries me is when you say he cheated on you once “and never accepted it.” 

 

Okay, that’s four words.  Sorry.  Doggy brain.

 

Are you saying that he never admitted that he cheated, or that he never accepted how serious this experience was for you?  Or is it that you never accepted it?

 

It looks to me like you’re saying he didn’t accept it.  And whatever he didn’t accept, I think there’s our big problem.

 

If a person cheats, and admits it, and expresses regret, then there’s a way for the relationship to move forward, and maybe work out.  But if they deny it, or say it didn’t matter, or some such thing, then there’s no way for the couple to move forward.

 

I love to tell the story of the time Handsome was in a big hurry and put me in the back seat of his car and slammed the door – on my tail!  WOW did that hurt!  I let out a scream, and so did he – his was something like “OH NO!!!  What have I done?!”  He threw the door open, started feeling my tail to see if he’d broken any bones in it, and then covered me in kisses and caresses, saying over and over how sorry he was.

 

Now my initial reaction to this was shock – I couldn’t believe he could have made a mistake like that.  But his affection calmed me down, and, now that we both knew he was capable of such a thing, he has always been extra careful with doors, and I’m always careful, when I get into a car, to turn around so my tail is all the way in the seat!

 

In other words, we both work together to make sure this awfulness never happens again (and it hasn’t, I’m glad to say!).

 

But imagine if I’d yelped, and he’d ignored it.  Or if he’d said “You stupid dog, that’s what you get for having your tail in the doorway!”  I’d never really be able to trust him again.

 

So if your boyfriend has really shown that he’s sorry for what he did, and has admitted everything, then you’re probably a little too suspicious, and shouldn’t have accused him of something he didn’t do, and maybe if you call him and apologize, you can work it out.

 

But if he hasn’t accepted how much he hurt you, then he might as well have slammed a door on your tail – there’s no way you can really fix this, or learn to trust him.  And all this blocking you is probably his way of avoiding feeling guilty about the truth.

 

And I’m awfully sorry to say it, but if it’s this last one that’s true, the only job ahead of you is to start the painful work of getting over him.  Because he’s working very hard to make sure you have nothing to trust in this relationship.

 

Wishing you strength and the best of luck,

Shirelle

 

0 Doctor Johnson and Mister Garrick … can anyone actually own anyone…

Doctor Johnson and Mister Garrick … can anyone actually own anyone…

My human friend Handsome loves exciting entertainment.  He loves fun bright music, he watches movies with lots of car chases and horses and guns, and especially loves those with monsters created in laboratories and people who turn into wolves.  Oh and does he adore that TV show with the dragons and the beheadings and the snow-zombies and… you know the one I mean.

 

But he also has this insufferable, ego-driven quest to read all these boring books that someone else once said were important.  Which he often does by playing audio readings of them in his car, so I have to hear them too.  Now it’s delightful to take a nap on a long drive while he’s listening to Harry Potter or a good mystery.  But when he gets to old philosophers or drawn-out novels about women staring at wallpaper or Russian brothers debating religion, I get annoyed.  Yes, I can sleep, but these even make my dreams turn dull!

 

His latest might be the most intolerable (though luckily he’s only reading the book, not making me go through it).  It’s James Boswell’s The Life of Samuel Johnson  (Bet you’re bored already, right?!).  For 250 years it’s been acclaimed as the greatest biography ever written, the best book ever about 18^th-Century England, blah blah blah.  I’ll tell you what it really is; it’s the record of one guy fawning like a lovesick Golden Retriever over every utterance a pompous bore says.

 

Oh, and almost all this noted philosopher speaks is about how everything is just the way it should be.  Their religion is the best, their political system is the best, their class system is the best (Funny, people at the top of their pecking order almost always seem to feel just that way!).  And even that poor people love their class system too, and think it’s the most delightful anywhere (Really?!  I find that usually isn’t…  well, never mind).

 

But one interesting thing did come up in the book, that Handsome asked me about.

 

You see, Dr. Johnson (who, I’ll admit, deserves a lot of credit for writing the first English dictionary, a nearly impossible task) was friends with the most popular and honored actor in the British theater of this time, David Garrick.  But they had the sort of friendship where Johnson would insult Garrick’s acting at every opportunity.  To take him down a peg, arguably; though he might also have been jealous of his talent, success, and popularity.

 

But if someone else put down a performance of Garrick’s, Johnson would disagree with them at once, using his sharp wit to destroy their argument.

 

Then at some point, a great painter named Joshua Reynolds commented that Johnson’s treating Garrick this way – always insulting his successes but critiquing his critics – proved that Johnson considered Garrick his own property.  That he alone had the right to criticize, and compliment, him and his work.

 

So Handsome told me about this, and asked me, “So I’m always insulting you, and telling you that you’re the best thing ever.  Does this mean I own  you?”

 

And this got me thinking.  A lot.

 

Now yes, the law says he does own me.  He pays for my license, which registers me as his property.  And if I bite someone, he’s liable.  But when people marry they have a license too, registering with each other.  And (at least here, today) no one considers one married partner the other’s property.  And while children, of course, are absolutely considered to “belong” to their parents, they’re also seen as their own persons.

 

If you want proof of this, look at the difference between how the law looks at it if someone smashes up their own refrigerator or sofa or computer, to if they smash up their spouse or their child!

 

Now we dogs and cats are in a sort of in-between status there.  If someone beats their Fido or Mr. Whiskers extra badly, they can be arrested for it.  But the law sees nothing wrong with a person putting their pet to a painless death; it’s a major part of what veterinarians do.  While doing that to their spouse is controversial, and to their child absolutely out of the question.

 

Handsome showed me an old movie where a man argues to a woman that because he loves her, she belongs to him.  Now we might laugh at that (or, if it were in real life, be scared she’s about to be kidnapped!), but don’t we all feel that way?  That when we love someone, we feel we own them?

 

I get very upset with dogs who Handsome pets too much.  I don’t get mad at him; I get mad at them.  I jump on them, growling, so they know “He’s mine!  Keep away!”  I love him, so he’s mine.  Right?

 

And once anyone’s in any sort of committed relationship, they are sort of saying they own each other, right?  They set rules:  Children should obey their parents.  Romantic partners should stay faithful to each other.  Employees should show up to work on time, and employers need to treat their employees with respect (now more than ever before).

 

So do any of these people own the other?

 

Kind of!

 

Do voters own politicians?  They can vote them out of office, certainly, if they feel they’re not doing what they want.  But meanwhile, politicians make decisions that spell life and death for those voters (declaring wars, cleaning up or poisoning air and drinking water, etc.).

 

And what about abusers?  Those awful cases we hear about where a person so dominates another that they command full obedience, even beyond what a parent has over a child.  Even there, does the controller actually own their victim?

 

Lots of questions, and not much answer, I know!  But I’ll sure say one thing here: I love loyalty, I love relationships, and I especially love love.  But I do believe we’re each our own being.  So that no one fully, completely, owns anyone else.  If I eat a fly that’s annoying me, I’ve ended its life, yes.  But its life was still its own.  I never owned it.  And even when Handsome tells me that I “own” his heart, I know I don’t really; I just occupy a very large portion of it.

 

I suppose the closest anyone gets to true ownership of another is in the child-parent relationship.  But not because kids do what they’re told.  No, I mean the way the child owns the parent!

 

From the moment a baby is born, or a child is adopted, that mom or dad is never the same.  Their life is never what it was before.  Their choices never are.  Even a negligent parent is just avoiding the responsibilities they know they have.

 

Handsome loves to tell me about the first time he held his baby niece in his hands, and he looked down at this newborn scrunched-up thing and thought “That is the ugliest single creature I’ve ever seen, and I will be hers forevermore.”  And that wasn’t even his own kid!

 

And, to rest my case, in conclusion, as it were, indubitably (see, I can write boring too!) to go back to Handsome’s original question…  No, I don’t think he and I have the same relationship as Dr. Johnson and Mr. Garrick.  At all.

 

Because Handsome would never tell someone they’re wrong for complimenting me.  Or for critiquing me.  If they say they don’t like me, he’ll gladly tell them he feels the opposite, but he respects their opinion.  Instead, he spends every moment in a state of gratitude that he’s been able to have me around.  Just as I feel towards him.

 

And I think that’s the real answer to this whole question.  I don’t own him, but I sure own my joy that he’s in my life.  And he owns his constant awe of me.

 

So my wish for you is to have the freedom to do what Handsome did with his niece (who did get a lot prettier), and what he and I do with each other every day.  To own yourself enough to be able to commit fully to those you care about, those you love, even those you worship.  But always to know that you’re still yourself.

 

Hey, if a pooch can be, certainly you can.

 

 

 

Which leads me to something I enjoy Handsome listening to in the car far more than boring books -a great old song.  If you don’t know it, it’s easy to find (it’s been recorded thousands of times, by too many people to list).  But even if you do know it, just let these words to this great Gershwin ballad feed your soul.  Because here’s what all us lovers truly get to own:

 

The way you wear your hat
The way your sip your tea
The memory of all that
No, no, they can’t take that away from me

The way your smile just beams
The way you sing off key
The way you haunt my dreams
No, no, they can’t take that away from me

We may never, never meet again
On the bumpy road to love
Still, I’ll always, always keep the memory of

The way you hold your knife
The way we danced till three
The way you changed my life
No, no, they can’t take that away from me

 

Just as no one can take YOU from me, my friends!  Hear that?  MY friends!!

Loads of Love,

Shirelle

 

 

0 How to treat your boyfriend or girlfriend who’s losing trust in you out of grief

admo1900 asks: There is a girl I am in love with. We have been in a relationship for two and half years. Some problems arose in our relationship when her parents pressured her to get married. Then a tragedy happened in her life – she lost her father. Now she thinks I never supported her through it, although I did what I could at that time. There is another friend she is getting close to, but I know the guy, and what he is showing her is not good. I want to marry her and I don’t know whether she’ll choose me or not. I love her the most, more than her own family, but she never understands this. What should I do to make our bond stronger than it was before?

Hi admo1900 –

 

 

Wow, this is a really sad, terrible situation. And it certainly makes sense to me, I think. Let me try:

 

You and this girl have been involved for a while, and her parents had some concerns about the relationship. Then her father, who I’m sure she loved dearly, died. She felt awful, and I’m sure all sorts of mixed feelings came in – including guilt about her relationship with you. (Even though you were supportive, and even if you never did anything wrong, it’s normal for a girl to feel like having a boyfriend is kind of like cheating on her father, the first man in her life). So now she’s pulling away from you, maybe even to the point of getting involved with a not-good guy.

 

I wish I had an easy answer for you, but there isn’t one. The only thing you can do is just what people have been asking us pups to do over and over again for all time: sit, stay, and heel.

 

First, Sit: You want to do Continue reading

0 How to deal with someone embarrassed about sexual inexperience

Rainbow asks: I have a close friend of mine (guy) in university, so close that we can’t do without seeing each other for a day. But lately I notice that he has being avoiding me, not picking up my calls, etc. Then he told me the reason why he has being avoiding me. He said he does not want to hurt me (hurt me in the sense that he is a flirt); he told me his secret, for me to know the type of person he his. It’s that he’s very embarrassed that he’s had many girls who’ve been ‘friends with benefits,’ but he’s never had sex. He told me he loves me. I love this guy but I don’t want to lose him. Should I just let him go???

Hi Rainbow –

 

 

I have to admit, I’m a little confused.  He avoided you, then said it was because he didn’t want to hurt you, and then told you “his secret” so you’d know the type of person he is…  But I think the news is very good.  He’s being shy, and probably feels like he’s not good enough for you, or at least experienced enough.  Your job is to let him know that you heard him, you heard all he said to you, and that you still care about him.

 

You don’t even necessarily have to let him know how much you love him.  Just let him know he’s accepted and cared for.  And that you really want to keep your relationship going.  Over time you two can see if you want to make it more, but for now, just the relationship you’ve had is already more than he probably feels he deserves.

 

Between you and me, it is just AMAZING how nervous and embarrassed human males get over things like this.  When human females (and us dogs) often find it very sweet that the guy is inexperienced.

 

So just find ways to let him know you’re still there, and that you really care about him.  And I think you’ll get your friend back – and maybe a lot more.

 

All my best,

Shirelle

0 What to do when someone who likes you goes out with someone else

Confused asks: So there’s this guy I really like and he likes/liked me I don’t really know it’s really confusing and my friends have talked to him and they said that he told them that he likes me and he knows I like him but one day out of no where this girl asked him out and he said yes so I don’t know if he’s trying to make me jealous or if he just stopped liking me. What should I do?

Hi Confused –

 

Of course, I don’t know what’s going on in his mind – it could be him trying to make you jealous, it could be he stopped liking you, or it could be that he didn’t see you as a possible date so he asked her out instead, or it could be he likes you both… any are possible.

 

As far as what to do, that’s a tough one.  My first thought is that one of those friends who he talked with before could ask him what’s going on – if he tells them, that’ll be the easiest way.

 

But another thought is to ask him out yourself.  Just because this other girl asked him out and he said yes doesn’t mean she owns him forever.  It’ll probably feel great for his ego to be asked out by two girls at the same time (how many guys get that?!), but so what?  If he’s worth it, that’s fine.

 

Or… you could give up on him, and say that if he was willing to go out with another girl, then he’s not good enough for you – that he should have asked you out instead.

 

I can’t tell you which one would be the best (though if one of your friends can find out something from him, that will sure help).

 

But please let me know!  I’ll be excited to find out!

 

Best of Luck!