Tyna asks: I just feel awfully worthless. I recently broke up with my online boyfriend just because I couldn’t get myself to send him nudes. I tried to explain to him that I wasn’t comfortable with it. I hoped he would understand, but it turns out I was wrong. It somehow hurts. Actually it does hurt. Because he is not the first guy who has shown very little interest in me as a person. I feel horrible. Most guys that come into my life see me as a sex thing I guess. They talk about one or two things and the rest is about sex. All my friends have boyfriends who are committed to them. It hurts me because I don’t have one at this age. (22) when they receive phone calls from their boyfriends, I can’t help but admire them. I keep wondering how it feels to have someone who cares about you and checks on you from time to time, someone you can share everything with. I don’t know what to do. I feel demotivated to do anything. I just feel like no matter what I do, no one will appreciate me or notice me anyway.
Hi Tyna –
Ouch! This letter hurts to read! On a few counts!
So first I want to talk about him. Obviously, I have nothing against online connections – you and I have one, after all! But our relationship is very open. I’ve offered to give you advice, you wrote me, and I’m writing you back. That’s all fine. But if I wrote you now and said “Send me a photo of your family,” I’d hope you’d be very weirded out! “What is this dog doing? Why does she want my family photo? Something’s weird here!”
Similarly, if you met someone online, and they say they want to meet in person, then okay, I’m all for it (as long as you do it in a way where you know you’re safe). Or if they ask for a photo, just to see what you look like. But he’s asking for nudes. That’s not what you showed up for. (And certainly no one has any trouble finding photos of naked people online; even Vladimir Putin can be seen wearing hardly anything!). No, he’s asking you to do something you’re very uncomfortable with, and I’m VERY VERY VERY VERY glad you said no!
You did the right thing. Now if he asked if you’d be up for that and you said no, and he said, “Okay, sorry if I offended, I was just wondering,” and went right back to being the guy he’d been before, I’d say “fine, big deal.” It’d be like when my human Handsome is cooking food and I come by asking for some and he says no, for whatever reason. He shouldn’t be angry at me for asking, but I should also accept his answer (well… after trying a little!).
But second, what really hurts here is that this guy’s behavior adds to your experience of not being wanted for yourself. And sure, it hurts to see your friends in relationships, I get that. It’s like when I was in the pound, seeing other dogs get bought by people while I was left there to just sit in a cage… and eventually, maybe, far worse.
Now I wish I could tell you exactly how to find that great boyfriend, and get into a healthy relationship. And I can’t. But I can tell you one thing – getting these jerks like this online guy out of your life as quickly as possible is very helpful! Just showing them the door, “Thank you very much, you won’t do, goodbye.”
Yes, it’s true that nearly all people want some sort of intimate physical relations. But these guys who ONLY want that, who ignore your personality and your worth – they’re the disposable ones!
In the meantime, I’m a big fan of being friendly, dressing well, getting yourself into more social situations, and working through any shyness you have, so that you can walk right up to someone who looks interesting to you and start a conversation.
But even those won’t guarantee that you’ll find that great guy by a certain time.
All they’ll do is help you find him sooner.
So do those, while making sure to get rid of the “only-sex”ers as quickly as you can, and your life will start getting better right away. Which hopefully will lead to that good guy showing up SOON!
After all, mine did!
Best of Luck my friend!