Anoushka.1998 asks: I have been in a relationship for 2 years. And I really love him. But during this time, he once cheated on me and never accepted it. That’s the reason I could never forgive him. Now he has become what he is supposed to be but I have become extremely insecure. I cannot blindly trust him anymore. I always feel that he might leave me or cheat on me again. And I try controlling it, but sometimes I burst out. Now something happened and I kind of blamed him that he is doing this things behind my back. He is extremely hurt. And broke up with me. He has blocked me from everywhere and is shutting me off. I want him back cause I really do love him – what should I do?
Hi Anoushka. 1998 –
This is always a very difficult situation. It’s hard enough to open yourself up and trust someone when they haven’t done anything wrong, but it’s really hard when they have.
Now if there weren’t three particular words in your question, I’d have some very particular suggestions on how to try to repair the relationship. But those would be based on my believing that both of you agreed about what happened in the past.
What worries me is when you say he cheated on you once “and never accepted it.”
Okay, that’s four words. Sorry. Doggy brain.
Are you saying that he never admitted that he cheated, or that he never accepted how serious this experience was for you? Or is it that you never accepted it?
It looks to me like you’re saying he didn’t accept it. And whatever he didn’t accept, I think there’s our big problem.
If a person cheats, and admits it, and expresses regret, then there’s a way for the relationship to move forward, and maybe work out. But if they deny it, or say it didn’t matter, or some such thing, then there’s no way for the couple to move forward.
I love to tell the story of the time Handsome was in a big hurry and put me in the back seat of his car and slammed the door – on my tail! WOW did that hurt! I let out a scream, and so did he – his was something like “OH NO!!! What have I done?!” He threw the door open, started feeling my tail to see if he’d broken any bones in it, and then covered me in kisses and caresses, saying over and over how sorry he was.
Now my initial reaction to this was shock – I couldn’t believe he could have made a mistake like that. But his affection calmed me down, and, now that we both knew he was capable of such a thing, he has always been extra careful with doors, and I’m always careful, when I get into a car, to turn around so my tail is all the way in the seat!
In other words, we both work together to make sure this awfulness never happens again (and it hasn’t, I’m glad to say!).
But imagine if I’d yelped, and he’d ignored it. Or if he’d said “You stupid dog, that’s what you get for having your tail in the doorway!” I’d never really be able to trust him again.
So if your boyfriend has really shown that he’s sorry for what he did, and has admitted everything, then you’re probably a little too suspicious, and shouldn’t have accused him of something he didn’t do, and maybe if you call him and apologize, you can work it out.
But if he hasn’t accepted how much he hurt you, then he might as well have slammed a door on your tail – there’s no way you can really fix this, or learn to trust him. And all this blocking you is probably his way of avoiding feeling guilty about the truth.
And I’m awfully sorry to say it, but if it’s this last one that’s true, the only job ahead of you is to start the painful work of getting over him. Because he’s working very hard to make sure you have nothing to trust in this relationship.
Wishing you strength and the best of luck,