Category Archives for "Relationships"

0 How to tell if someone’s attraction to you is true love

Classychick asks: I just met a guy few weeks back, and fortunately for me I kind of like him, but I think he likes me more (and not even like but love), if he truly does the way I see his reactions towards me. But I don’t know how to test him, to see if he loves me. Although this guy is in his final levels in law school, I don’t know if he truly wants me (or just wants my body because I like him).

Hi Classychick –

You’re asking what looks like a simple question, but is actually really gigantic and complex. I’ve written other pieces on here trying to answer the question of What Is Love. But now you’re asking how to tell if what another person feels about you is love.

And I have an awful answer for you: You Can’t.

People (and dogs) can act in a way that is very loving, and sure looks like love, and then abandon you or actively choose to hurt you the very next day. And that sure doesn’t feel like love.

But people have enough trouble figuring out what they themselves are feeling; determining someone else’s feelings is simply impossible!

So I’m going to change your question around a little bit, and ask a different one: How can one know whether or not to trust someone (who acts like they love you). Because isn’t that what you’re really asking? If this guy really cares about you the way he seems to, or if he’s just interested in using you for play.

Now we all have heard stories about psychopaths who convince everyone to trust them while they pursue their evil agendas. And it’s true, no one can really read those people well. But they are reaaaaallllly rare, so let’s give this guy the benefit of the doubt and say that he’s not Jack the Ripper or something.

If so, you can do things to find out whether he’s really trustworthy or not. Here are a few:

Continue reading

0 How to deal with someone harassing you on social media

Reena asks: Four years ago, I had joined a job (mom had told me to work there temporary), but honestly it was more than a year and I got stuck there because we needed the money. The place was making me miserable because I wanted to join Aviation back then and because the money there wasn’t good. I couldn’t even mask my feelings anymore and it showed in my body language and some colleagues knew that something was wrong with me. This became apparent to my Trainer too, who assumed that I’m dealing with a breakup! There’s a saying here in India, “We as Indians love to do two things. 1st stare at people, 2nd assume things about people”. To add to it, some people in the batch told my trainer some good things about me and then this guy started chasing and dropping hints shamelessly that he wanted to be friends. He gave me the impression of being a terribly lonely person because no one in their right mind decides that you have become their best friend overnight. It takes time, it’s a process. Now don’t get me wrong, it’s not like I’m not friendly but honestly I didn’t want to be friends with this guy for a number of reasons. Things that I had observed about him during training: He had intimacy issues, he wasn’t comfortable with emotions. He could be very cold to you, if it wasn’t his need (selfish). He could lie shamelessly to protect himself (manipulative). If you and he are not on the same page in life, he won’t even make an attempt to understand where you’re coming from. He just can’t understand why you are like that (lack of empathy)! I saw all these things, never said a word but decided, I don’t want this guy in my life at least. I used to royally ignore him but he just didn’t want to take a hint and leave me alone. Of course it hurt the irrational male ego. He wouldn’t let go. He started cornering me in class, asking questions he knew I wouldn’t be able to answer, damaged my reputation at work, telling people that I’m selfish and insensitive. To be honest, Shirelle, if he had ever come to me, told me like an adult that he wanted to talk to me, we could have sat and had a mature adult conversation where he could be transparent about his intentions and tell me upfront what he was looking for and I could honestly tell him that I’m not on the same page in life, not looking for the same things as him. I could tell him that if he is trying to move on from me, I could help him. I would be able to genuinely respect this guy. But no, that hurts the male ego. He wouldn’t do that. He would rather use indirect tactics, talk behind my back, make faces when I passed by, lie shamelessly, etc. Today, we’ve both left that job. However, he has now started to attack me on Facebook. Back then, he was telling people that he wants to help me out of humanity because it looks like I’m dealing with problems, he has no other intentions (remember, manipulative). Trust me, I am genuinely fed up of this guy who won’t take a hint and leave me alone. I want absolutely nothing to do with him. He is pretending like he doesn’t want to be friends with me but he complains about me saying I’m not very social blah blah blah. I don’t care. He is very immature and I don’t know how to get rid of him. Please help. I will not reciprocate, that is 110 % sure. However, if he needs my help to move on, I can definitely help.

Hi Reena –

I’ll be happy to help you, but I’m going to jump on your case on one issue first. As a dog, I tend to see people as all the same, or as individuals. Most broad-brush statements about groups (all women are emotional, all Americans are loud) I find incorrect and often really wrongheaded. Now I completely understand how a woman has to deal with the worst qualities of men, especially in the workplace. But I can promise you, from everything I’ve seen, men do not have a monopoly on fragile egos! I’ve seen women pull just the same garbage this guy is doing, and I know that when people read your question, some of them (particularly the men) will pull back, and relate less to you, because you keep talking about male egos. So while I fully agree that this guy’s ego is running things, and much of it may be about his bruised sense of masculinity, I’d love you to be careful about making statements like that.

Well, except if you’re talking about cats. Then you can say they’re all sneaky and stupid and smelly and…

Ah well, back to your question.

Okay, this guy is AWFUL!!! I don’t blame him for being quiet or shy or even unempathic, and I certainly don’t blame him for trying to be friends with you (oh if I worked there, I’d be sniffing around your chair, jumping up on you, nipping at your shoes every day!). But he is being a total jerk right now. No two ways about it.

So maybe there was something you could have done better last year. Maybe it would have been best to talk to him more directly, like “Hey it seems to me you’re wanting to have a closer friendship with me than I’m comfortable with. I appreciate it, but I’m sorry I can’t do that right now.”

Or maybe not. I don’t know.

But you have a very different problem now, and it needs to be dealt with. But how to deal with it is tough. Here are a few possibilities:

Continue reading

0 How to deal with a father who’s been in prison

Justinsbae asks: It’s Fathers’ Day once again, and I just feel like crying. I see everyone posting on social media about their dads and I’m just sitting here without one. I haven’t seen my dad since I was 3 or 4. I always assumed it was because he didn’t care, but then I see on the news this year that someone with the same name as him has been in prison for about 10 years, so maybe that was why he hasn’t come to see me. He also has a girlfriend and two other children. Anyway on to the advice bit. I need your help as he is getting out soon, and has contacted my mum and has asked to speak to me. But I’m not sure how I should do that as I hate talking on the phone and a text or letter can come off the wrong way. I feel the best way would be to meet him and tell him how much he has affected me, as that’s what I have always wanted to say to him. But I don’t think meeting him is possible as his girlfriend stopped sending me money through the post in the last two years apparently, so I’m guessing she wants nothing to do with me. Please help what is the best way of contacting him?

Hi justinsbae –

Wow!  This letter makes my heart hurt!  I am so sorry you’re going through all this!

You bring up a number of really difficult issues. Parents who have girlfriends or boyfriends or spouses who try to keep them from interacting with their kids; how to tell your parent about the effect they’ve had on you; how to talk with someone when you don’t like talking on the phone; having a parent in prison; and not knowing why you haven’t heard from your father in years. Any one of these is enough for me to write one of my usual posts on, and all of them together are… WOW!

So I’m going to have to pick and choose. I’ll start with the last one, which I think is the most important for you. The fact that you haven’t known why you haven’t heard from him. Did your mother know he was in prison? Has this been kept from you (maybe out of very loving reasons)? Or did she just find out too? Or are neither of you even sure he’s the man you heard about? Either way, Continue reading

0 How to attract teenage girls

uday asks: How to attract teenage girls

Hi uday –

I’ll throw an answer at you, but first, I have to make a confession.  As a pup, I really don’t recognize ages that well.  I certainly understand certain issues that pertain to teenagers more than to anyone else (final exams, drivers licenses, and zits, for example!).  But when it comes to something like what is attractive to teens, versus women in their 20s, the trends change so fast I can’t keep aware of them.  So I’ll give you some general thoughts, but you’ll have to make some of them more specific yourself, based on the teenage girls you know.

So how to attract women:

1) Like Them. You wouldn’t believe how often I see humans who want people they don’t actually like to be attracted to them! It won’t work (except with cat-like people who are attracted to people who despise them.  But they’ll just make your life difficult!).  So before you worry about how to be attractive, decide who you want to be attractive to, and why.  The more you get to know about them, the more you’ll see things you like and things you don’t.  And that’s good.  Imagine being a pop star who hated girls who loved their music.  It just wouldn’t make sense, would it?  Whereas it’s very clear that the Justin Biebers and Chainsmokers of the world really like their fans being their fans.  You sure don’t see them sneer at them “You’re so stupid, I only like people who love classical music!”  So find who you like, and find out more that you like about them, and that energy will pour off of you.

2)  Take Care of Yourself and Dress Well.  Now here’s a great example of what I mean when I say that you’ll have to determine this yourself.  There are girls out there who love skinny guys in t-shirts and jeans (Ever seen The Big Bang Theory, for example?).  There are others who like Justin Timberlake sorts who dress snazzy, are well-groomed, and practice dancing so much you can see it when they walk.  Then there are those who are drawn to guys with big muscles, who dress conservatively but in ways that show their strength.  But what all these guys share is that they actually do take care of themselves – whether by just eating healthy or by exercising a lot – and dress in a style that shows their pride in themselves.  Whereas the guys who try to hide by dressing dully, who don’t take care of their hair or teeth, who don’t like to look in the mirror, who treat their bodies badly by eating junky food or smoking or worse…  there’s nothing about them that’s attracting anyone.  So decide who you want to be… and BE it!

3) Be Continue reading

0 What to do when your boyfriend lies to you about his ex?

RoxchemaeAce asks: What am I gonna do with my boyfriend? I mean he had this girl friend before I met him, and as I was scrolling their messages from before, I discovered that there was something going on between them in the past but my boyfriend denies it. And now, the girl is always messaging him and telling him about what’s happening in her life and all. And it’s kinda irritating knowing that they had something, sort of feelings, before I met him. My boyfriend offered to get that girl blocked from both of our social media but I think it’s my pride who’s interfering, for I felt that it’s not the right thing to do (though I really want it). Urghhhh! It’s just so frustrating -_- though my boyfriend always says that it’s nothing, but something’s in me that keeps me suspicious. He says he loves me and that I’m his girlfriend now, but I really think and feel that there’s something, and I don’t know what that something is :’(

Hi RoxchemaeAce –

This is a tough issue for me to answer.  I don’t really know what’s going on inside him, and neither do you, so it makes this all difficult.

But two things stick out to me.  First, it does sound like his ex is paying a lot of attention to him, and looking for him to pay attention to her.  Which can be really irritating.  And second, that he’s trying to cover up something.

Now it’s perfectly possible that he is just trying to be friends with her, and that when he tells you there was nothing between them, he’s just trying to keep you happy.  This isn’t a terrible thing, though I’d prefer it if he felt okay telling you everything.

But it’s also possible that there is something going on between them, still, and he’s not telling you about that either.

So my suggestion, if you want to try it, would be to confront him and say “Look.  There’s no way there was ‘nothing between you’ before, because she was your girlfriend.  So I need you to tell me the truth about you two.  Tell me if you’re still interested in her, tell me if she’s being annoying and you’re trying to protect her, tell me if you guys are great friends… I just need to know.”

Now this idea could provide two possible bad scenarios: one that he doesn’t like being confronted like that, and two that he tells you something you don’t want to hear.  So it might be a better idea to let more time go by and see what happens.

But whichever you do, please know, I’m really sorry you have to go through this worry.  And I do hope it will get much better, soon.

All my best,

Shirelle

0 Why a man would suddenly be interested in marriage

Reena asks: It is a stereotype that men get scared of marriage. But why would any guy talk marriage within the first three weeks of dating? Furthermore, it makes me feel like he wants marriage more than he wants me! I know a few female friends who admitted to me that they played with their man’s mind to get what they wanted (marriage). Now I don’t fall into that stereotype. I am not someone who is super excited about marriage and has planned her babies’ names and what kind of house we’ll buy, etc. So what’s happening here? Is the “law of nature” at work here? That whatever you chase in life runs away from you, and whatever you run away from, runs after you?! Is it that, because am not that keen on marriage, it’s gotten him more interested in it, or is he just plain desperate?

Hi Reena –

My human friend Handsome is a great lover of animals, all animals. Of course I’m his favorite, but he’s the kind of guy who finds ants and elephants fascinating, and adores all sorts of pets. So, unlike me, he even likes cats. But he is allergic to them, which is one reason he doesn’t have one (…and I’m another!).

So when he goes to a party at someone’s house, and they have a cat, he’s usually the one person there trying to stay away from little PussPuss. Everyone else is oohing and aahing and trying to pet or play with the furball, while he steps to the other side of the room.

And so who do you think that stupid cat is drawn to, every time?! Not the fifty people who want to stroke its ears and sneak it a bit of salmon. No, he zeroes in on Handsome like a high-tech missile, rubbing against his leg, purring to wake the dead. And then Handsome’s too nice to kick the cat away, as some would (or chase him out of the neighborhood, as I would!).

And so one answer to your question is: Yes. A lot of people are like cats. And if you tell them you want marriage and babies and eternal love, they’ll run off to sea, but if you tell them you want to stay independent, they suddenly want to start picking out wedding china. It’s human nature, just like it’s cat nature. (Though hardly ever dog nature. I think we’re just smarter than the rest!)

Another, more romantic, version of this concept is that relationships are like a dance. And when couples dance, they usually stay a certain distance apart. So when one steps forward, the other steps back, and so on.

So it’s possible that this guy is just drawn to these thoughts about marriage in that way, excited by your lack of interest.

But it’s also possible he’s just a wild romantic and has always been looking for the woman he can commit with, or that he’s never been that way before but is so nuts about you he’s suddenly all about this… Or he has another agenda.

For example, in my country, people from other countries often try to get married to locals in order to gain legal citizenship. And then we’ve all heard creepy stories of people marrying someone for their money or their name.

So Reena, all I can do is throw out these ideas. I don’t have any reason to think any one of them is correct about him.

But in the meantime, I’d say to just Continue reading

0 How to move on from a bad relationship

Reena asks: I met a guy online. We are just 2 hrs away by flight btw but he never came down to see me neither allowed me to fly to see him. This guy is currently all of 27 yrs old, never worked a day in his life, his father still pays his bills. Dated more than half dozen women before me. He even admitted to me that he used to sleep around. And in his own words admitted he’s done the dirtiest nastiest things (sexually) I can imagine. We broke up last year but when I was with him he was overly concerned about not being taken advantage of. He wanted to marry me! I mean, why me?! Considering the kind of life he has lived, I am sure, he met better girls than me all those years. I need your insight into this. He treated me really badly when I was with him, but was hell-bent on marriage this time, I don’t know why. To the point where he kept terms and conditions before me stating that he can come to my town to meet me but we’ll not get physical but just hang out. I am a kid at heart and because I never had a boyfriend before (I am 27), I have a lot of unmet needs which he was extremely insensitive to. And because I never slept around like him, I never got my needs met. A need for security, stability, physical love (not sex), protection, etc. After our break up I met another guy and the obvious happened: we got physical too soon and I know why that happened. Simply because I was starved that much before. I mean, to be honest there’s a part of me whose self-esteem has taken a nice blow because 1) While he was in a live-in relationship with his ex, he never even came down once to see me (I know I shouldn’t compare but this is very telling); 2) Even when I met him, he was still in love with his ex; 3) He gave me nothing in the relationship. He lied lied and lied to me about soooo many things and was extremely secretive and manipulative. He has no job, no money, no life and can be extremely boring when he opens his mouth. Has mental health issues and often contradicts himself and has hygiene issues, doesn’t take care of himself, etc. Did I do right by walking away ?

Hi Reena –

Now I have to be honest here.  I’m very smart for a dog, but there might be other advisors on the internet who are even smarter than I, and might have some better advice to give.  There might be some who are wittier or more educated.

But no one, and I mean NO ONE, will ever judge you less than I do.  That’s what we dogs do – we love unconditionally.  And I’d no more judge you than I’d judge Handsome or a tree – to me, you all just are, and are perfect.

However, what I’m about to say might come off as the opposite of what I just said.

Because from everything you’re saying, this guy is a Continue reading

0 What’s a good age for dating?

FORLLAH asks: I asked you a question recently concerning if I can date my friend’s ex. We’ve started dating, but I’m having a disturbed min. I’m 21 and he’s a year older than me. Do you think it would be appropriate to date him? Do you think I’d be respectful to him?

Hi FORLLAH –

This is a very easy question for me to answer: no problem at all!

If you and he were younger, I’d have a few concerns – some places have laws about what ages are okay for dating which ages, and when you’re much younger (say 11 and 12) I’d have concerns about what you mean by dating.

But at 21 and 22, you two are fine.  There are reasons why most societies say one is an adult at age 21.  You’re still growing and learning and maturing, sure, but you’ve learned a lot, and are ready to be treated as adults.

But there’s another issue here, about men and women.  Little girls mature much faster than little boys.  Emotionally and physically, a ten-year-old girl is probably equivalent to a thirteen-year-old boy, on average.  And while of course boys’ physical maturity catches up soon, emotionally girls do tend to be a bit more mature  than boys, up to even age 30 or so.

(or, some women would argue, forever through life!)

Now I’m not saying this to brag that you and I are so great and that fellows like this guy of yours and my Handsome are wonderful but inferior (although… oops… I did just say it didn’t I!).  But rather to say that your dating a guy a year older than you is perfect – you’re just the right ages for each other!  You’re actually more equal than if you were the same age!

So of course, I know there are many other issues here, and there might be perfectly good reasons why you two shouldn’t get together.

But age is NOT one of them.

Thanks!

0 How to tell if someone being teased about you likes you

Shalini asks: I’m in a dance group.and everyone here teases my partner in dance by my name like as if there is something between us but only to him; no one teases me regarding him and everyone teases him like they don’t want me to know about it, like in a manner which should not be exposable to me. What should I make out of it since I have started liking him now? Earlier I didn’t, but now I do – I didn’t even think much about him till the teasing got me to give him a second look – and I want to know if he too likes me (which would be the most probable reason as to why all of them smile at him and tease him by my name). He’s a big joker, so are they just having fun with him, or do you think he actually likes me? How can I tell?

Hi Shalini –

Let me make sure I have this straight:  In your dance group, you have a partner you like, and you don’t know if he likes you or not, but everyone else teases him about liking you, while not teasing you.

Now I’m not a psychic, I’m only a dog.  But I can come up with only two reasons for the way they act.  One is great news, and the other is awful.

The great news is that everyone else can see that he really likes you, but you’re the only one who doesn’t see it.  So hopefully at some point he’ll say or do something to show you that he likes you, and then you can let him know how you feel, and everything will be like that movie everyone likes right now where you two dance up in the air in the observatory!

The awful one would be if everyone knows you like him, and he doesn’t care so much for you, so they’re all making fun of him for that fact, embarrassing him.  This one is bad enough already, but of course could get worse for both of you if you try to make something happen.

But why, if he’s a big joker and everyone likes to joke with him about things, would they choose to tease him about this one particular issue – his feelings (real or not) for you?  There are so many other things they could tease him about!

So although he’s not giving you any signs you can read, I’m still suspicious that the other members of the dance group know something you don’t.

So I really have three bits of advice.

First, and this is my biggest suggestion by far, pick out the Continue reading

0 How to find out if someone shy likes you

arjai101 asks: I suppose I’m contacting you because I think I’m deluding myself again. Remember how I said no one has ever liked me or what not? Well, I think someone might. Most of myself believes I’m just imagining it all. But, there is this one fleeting part that has somehow convinced myself that it might be true. Sometimes, I swear I see this person staring at me. Once again, I could be imagining this or just making things bigger than they really are. But, they always seem to hear what I say and respond when I think no one else is listening. They always seem slightly flustered when they ask me a question. They seem to actually find the stuff I say funny. I know I making this all bigger than it seems. They probably just think I’m a decent person to associate with or maybe they’re just using me. And even if they did like me, then what? The thought of it seems thrilling. But, I wouldn’t really know what to do. The whole ordeal is perplexing and mind consuming. Anyhow, am I deluding myself? What do I even do anyways?

Hi arjai101 –

Well you know that first I’m going to tell you you were always mistaken, because I like you and always have!  And I only wish I were able to meet you and jump on you and lick your face till you’re giggling so hard you scream for mercy… but I can’t, so you’ll just have to trust me on this one.

But as far as this other person goes… That’s Great!  I’m so glad someone finally figured out what I’ve always known about you!

Or at least they seem to.

So there are a million things you could do.  You can find lots of suggestions on my website – asking their friends, dropping hints, creating ways for them to be able to admit their feelings more easily, etc.

But in this particular case, I think there’s something even better you can do.  Which is simply to do what I would do: be friendly.

Is this person at school with you?  In a class of yours?  Ask them to help you study.  Are they someone you see in a park?  Ask them to join you in what you’re doing.  Someone you see at work?  Ask if you can help them with their tasks.

You see, it sounds like they’re very shy.  So trying to get them to open up and say “I have trouble falling asleep at night, but once my eyes close, all I can dream about is arjai101!” is going to be tough.  But you can make the connection between you two easier.

See here’s the big deal – you’re scared of what it might mean to be liked, but they’re scared of you!  Yes, I don’t think there’s anyone as scary to most people as the person they’re crushing on.  Think about it – a mean robber down an alleyway might hit you over the head and steal your money, but then they’ll run away.  But if you’re so crazy about someone that anything they do means the world to you, you’re in constant danger!

Handsome just reminded me of a folk song from maybe two hundred years ago, with the line “She wept with delight when he gave her a smile, and trembled with fear at his frown.”  Now that is a crush!

So make it easier on this person, if they are liking you a lot, and get some connection going.

And if their staring and actions don’t turn out to mean what you thought, then no big deal, you’ve just been friendly to someone shy.  That just makes you a terrific person, regardless!

But you know I’m hoping they’re flat-out nuts about you!  (like ME!)

Can’t wait to hear!

Shirelle