Reena asks: I met a guy online. We are just 2 hrs away by flight btw but he never came down to see me neither allowed me to fly to see him. This guy is currently all of 27 yrs old, never worked a day in his life, his father still pays his bills. Dated more than half dozen women before me. He even admitted to me that he used to sleep around. And in his own words admitted he’s done the dirtiest nastiest things (sexually) I can imagine. We broke up last year but when I was with him he was overly concerned about not being taken advantage of. He wanted to marry me! I mean, why me?! Considering the kind of life he has lived, I am sure, he met better girls than me all those years. I need your insight into this. He treated me really badly when I was with him, but was hell-bent on marriage this time, I don’t know why. To the point where he kept terms and conditions before me stating that he can come to my town to meet me but we’ll not get physical but just hang out. I am a kid at heart and because I never had a boyfriend before (I am 27), I have a lot of unmet needs which he was extremely insensitive to. And because I never slept around like him, I never got my needs met. A need for security, stability, physical love (not sex), protection, etc. After our break up I met another guy and the obvious happened: we got physical too soon and I know why that happened. Simply because I was starved that much before. I mean, to be honest there’s a part of me whose self-esteem has taken a nice blow because 1) While he was in a live-in relationship with his ex, he never even came down once to see me (I know I shouldn’t compare but this is very telling); 2) Even when I met him, he was still in love with his ex; 3) He gave me nothing in the relationship. He lied lied and lied to me about soooo many things and was extremely secretive and manipulative. He has no job, no money, no life and can be extremely boring when he opens his mouth. Has mental health issues and often contradicts himself and has hygiene issues, doesn’t take care of himself, etc. Did I do right by walking away ?
Hi Reena –
Now I have to be honest here. I’m very smart for a dog, but there might be other advisors on the internet who are even smarter than I, and might have some better advice to give. There might be some who are wittier or more educated.
But no one, and I mean NO ONE, will ever judge you less than I do. That’s what we dogs do – we love unconditionally. And I’d no more judge you than I’d judge Handsome or a tree – to me, you all just are, and are perfect.
However, what I’m about to say might come off as the opposite of what I just said.
Because from everything you’re saying, this guy is a JERK!
You are a precious, wonderful person, whom I’ve loved getting to know on here. And for him to treat you as anything less than a magical gift from the heavens is crazy!
Now if I met him, or heard his version of things, maybe I’d like him too. Maybe his treatment of women, his laziness, and his strange demanding of you would make a lot of sense. But the way you tell it, they sure don’t!
And what matters most isn’t how I see him, but how you do. Which doesn’t appear to be very good at all.
Now one other thing about being a dog: while there’s a lot I don’t understand, I sure do understand love! And I know that love (and curiosity) work in their own special ways, and might have very little to do with sense or opinions. So can you really think he’s immoral and useless, and still love him? ABSOLUTELY! And anyone who’d judge you for that, I guess, has never really loved.
But you do get to use that amazing brain of yours, so much better than any other sort of animal has. And to tell yourself that, at 27, you are still young and vibrant. And that the only thing you can do that’s really wrong in your life now is to tie yourself down to someone you don’t truly like or love much – or think highly of.
So my suggestion is to drop him like a hot potato. In fact, drop him like ME with a hot potato, which I pick up in my mouth and then drop onto the floor with a “Yiiaaah” sound in my mouth.
It’s not about how you feel about him that really matters, Reena. It’s how you feel about yourself. Imagine you were your sister, or your best friend. How would you feel about Reena considering going back to this guy? I’ll bet you’d be completely against it. Saying she deserves better.
Well the second you decide you believe that about yourself, way deep down, the sooner your life is going to start getting way way way way way way way way better. And even allow in a different kind of guy, one who cares about you and your needs. One who takes responsibility for himself in his life.
This guy has been very important in your life, Reena, and I’m not saying you should ignore or try to completely forget him. But I’ll say it again: YOU DESERVE BETTER!
And “Better” is waiting out there for you somewhere. Unlike this guy.
All my best,