Reena asks: It is a stereotype that men get scared of marriage. But why would any guy talk marriage within the first three weeks of dating? Furthermore, it makes me feel like he wants marriage more than he wants me! I know a few female friends who admitted to me that they played with their man’s mind to get what they wanted (marriage). Now I don’t fall into that stereotype. I am not someone who is super excited about marriage and has planned her babies’ names and what kind of house we’ll buy, etc. So what’s happening here? Is the “law of nature” at work here? That whatever you chase in life runs away from you, and whatever you run away from, runs after you?! Is it that, because am not that keen on marriage, it’s gotten him more interested in it, or is he just plain desperate?
Hi Reena –
My human friend Handsome is a great lover of animals, all animals. Of course I’m his favorite, but he’s the kind of guy who finds ants and elephants fascinating, and adores all sorts of pets. So, unlike me, he even likes cats. But he is allergic to them, which is one reason he doesn’t have one (…and I’m another!).
So when he goes to a party at someone’s house, and they have a cat, he’s usually the one person there trying to stay away from little PussPuss. Everyone else is oohing and aahing and trying to pet or play with the furball, while he steps to the other side of the room.
And so who do you think that stupid cat is drawn to, every time?! Not the fifty people who want to stroke its ears and sneak it a bit of salmon. No, he zeroes in on Handsome like a high-tech missile, rubbing against his leg, purring to wake the dead. And then Handsome’s too nice to kick the cat away, as some would (or chase him out of the neighborhood, as I would!).
And so one answer to your question is: Yes. A lot of people are like cats. And if you tell them you want marriage and babies and eternal love, they’ll run off to sea, but if you tell them you want to stay independent, they suddenly want to start picking out wedding china. It’s human nature, just like it’s cat nature. (Though hardly ever dog nature. I think we’re just smarter than the rest!)
Another, more romantic, version of this concept is that relationships are like a dance. And when couples dance, they usually stay a certain distance apart. So when one steps forward, the other steps back, and so on.
So it’s possible that this guy is just drawn to these thoughts about marriage in that way, excited by your lack of interest.
But it’s also possible he’s just a wild romantic and has always been looking for the woman he can commit with, or that he’s never been that way before but is so nuts about you he’s suddenly all about this… Or he has another agenda.
For example, in my country, people from other countries often try to get married to locals in order to gain legal citizenship. And then we’ve all heard creepy stories of people marrying someone for their money or their name.
So Reena, all I can do is throw out these ideas. I don’t have any reason to think any one of them is correct about him.
But in the meantime, I’d say to just keep your attitude exactly where it is. If he’s actually a bad guy, trying to marry you for bad reasons, you’re keeping him from being able to; if he’s head-over-heels in love, then he’ll stay interested no matter what you do (and eventually, when he comes more down to earth, it’ll be better for both of you that you didn’t do anything too suddenly); and if he’s cat-like and it’s your disinterest that’s keeping him interested… you get to enjoy it!
Yes I do realize I’m suggesting you behave like a cat, which is soooooo not my usual thinking. But okay, maybe they’re kind of smart in this one instance. Even I can admit that. (Though it hurts!)
All my best,