Classychick asks: I just met a guy few weeks back, and fortunately for me I kind of like him, but I think he likes me more (and not even like but love), if he truly does the way I see his reactions towards me. But I don’t know how to test him, to see if he loves me. Although this guy is in his final levels in law school, I don’t know if he truly wants me (or just wants my body because I like him).
Hi Classychick –
You’re asking what looks like a simple question, but is actually really gigantic and complex. I’ve written other pieces on here trying to answer the question of What Is Love. But now you’re asking how to tell if what another person feels about you is love.
And I have an awful answer for you: You Can’t.
People (and dogs) can act in a way that is very loving, and sure looks like love, and then abandon you or actively choose to hurt you the very next day. And that sure doesn’t feel like love.
But people have enough trouble figuring out what they themselves are feeling; determining someone else’s feelings is simply impossible!
So I’m going to change your question around a little bit, and ask a different one: How can one know whether or not to trust someone (who acts like they love you). Because isn’t that what you’re really asking? If this guy really cares about you the way he seems to, or if he’s just interested in using you for play.
Now we all have heard stories about psychopaths who convince everyone to trust them while they pursue their evil agendas. And it’s true, no one can really read those people well. But they are reaaaaallllly rare, so let’s give this guy the benefit of the doubt and say that he’s not Jack the Ripper or something.
If so, you can do things to find out whether he’s really trustworthy or not. Here are a few:
- Check out his friends. Do they seem trustworthy? Do they seem to trust him? Are there any you could ask about him? Friends can teach you a lot! Who he hangs out with, and what they think of him (and you).
- If he does something suspicious, ask him about it. Why won’t he let you see the pictures in his wallet? Why won’t he tell you about his family? Why does he sleep in a coffin and refuse to come outside during the daylight? (okay I’m taking things too far here!) Everyone occasionally does things that look odd; my point is to ask him about them when he does them, and see how he answers. If he opens up right away, that’s great. If he explains why he can’t open up, that can be okay too. But if he acts really weird, and refuses to tell you anything… that’s a worry!
- See how he is with his family. Does he talk with them? Does he try to get them to know you? If he has a dog or a cat, how does he treat them? All of these relationships can teach you a great deal.
- Ask him if he really loves you! See what he says. It’s totally okay if he stutters and gets nervous – that can be a cute way of showing his deeper feelings. But if he sneers or avoids the question, that’s a concern. (I also think of an old movie Handsome showed me where a little girl asks her curmudgeonly father “Don’t you love me, Daddy?” And he lift his hand as if to hit her and snarls “Of course I love ya!” Good movie; baaaaad choice for a boyfriend!
- And my biggest suggestion of all is what not to do: Don’t accuse this guy of things unless you’re really sure you’re right. I’ve seen so many relationships ruined by people who wanted to “test” their mate, and did so by saying “I know you’re having an affair with your coworker,” or “I know you think of me like a prostitute,” or something like that! It then puts the partner in a defensive place of having to prove that what you say is untrue (which is sometimes impossible), and does more to destroy romantic feelings than almost anything I can think of.
So feel free to ask things, and to keep your eyes open. But at the same time, enjoy what’s going on. You have a guy you like who is treating you very lovingly. That’s a great situation to be in! Have fun with it! And give him a chance to fall even more deeply in love with you.
After all, what could feel better than that?!