Category Archives for "Questions"

0 How to handle slut shame for having had boyfriends

Loser asks: I’m from a very small and conservative country. Our society is very complicated. Here boys and girls even can’t talk properly. Our school isn’t combined. But apart from that we all contact with each other in social media. I had a boyfriend. At first everything was so good. We met secretly and those memories – gosh! I don’t know what love is but if it exists then I loved him a lot. He broke up with me a lot of times, but then when he came back and apologized I always forgave him. But a week ago suddenly he stopped talking to me. I thought he was in a depression, but 3 days ago he compared me with his ex. And yesterday he hurt me by his words. I want to forget him, but I can’t. I love him so much. And he was my 3rd boyfriend. It was my last attempt. If I fail this time, our so called conservative school and those girls and boys will slut-shame me. I can’t find anyone good. I don’t know what to do.

Hi Loser –

Okay, so let me start by saying I hate   having said “Hi Loser!”  That sounds like I’m insulting you, and I don’t feel that way toward you at all!  (Tell you what, how about, if you write me back, please say, just once, “Hello you stinking fleabag mutt!” Then I’ll feel much better!)

So onto your questions.

First of all, I’m sorry about this guy, but yes, these things do happen – especially on social media.  And especially when the people are young, which it sounds like you are.

So in terms of forgetting him, I know that won’t be easy, especially as you had such a great time with him and aren’t seeing other boys enough.  But my advice is to then do as many things as you can with your friends:  Hang out with the girls you go to school with, even ones you normally wouldn’t call your closest friends.  Watch movies, listen to music, just anything you can do that is fun.  You won’t forget him of course, but you will get other things into your mind, and hopefully meet more people, maybe even a better guy.

Now in terms of him being your third boyfriend, I can tell you that a lot of people (maybe more in other countries) would say that’s great!  They wouldn’t call you a “slut,” they’d call you popular!  So many girls who spend their nights alone wishing the phone would ring would do ANYTHING to have had three boyfriends before leaving high school!  Think of it like if someone told you they felt bad for having had three friends, or having read three books, or having visited three countries!

Now there might be questions about Continue reading

0 What to do when someone complains you’re too possessive

mr. mister asks: I’m in 10th, and had a crush on a girl, so I started my friendship with her and eventually we got close. But she was still not ready to accept me as her mate, because she was dumped by another guy and was in pain and hadn’t overcome it. I thought that I should give her time and support her whenever she needed (she is a very joyful girl), but after two months Christmas arrived, and I don’t know why, but she stopped talking to me. I was like “why the heck are you ignoring me?” I tried to contact her best friend, because she wasn’t replying to me. After two days or three I received her text to stop calling her, “because if my parents get to know about this then I won’t be able to talk to you in my entire life.” I asked her to reply and talk to me, she said she didn’t feel she could date me, and I said “dude , you said yes to me two weeks before.” She told me that she wanted to reject me in a polite way – just because I was getting a little possessive about her, making her mad at me. Now if I am her boy, then I will be possessive, because I don’t want anyone to hurt her again. So was I wrong at any point of time? Now she has stopped talking to me, but I want to talk to her and again get close to her because I think that she was my lucky chap and i used to live to the fullest. And now I keep thinking about her, and my board exams are also approaching and I am unable to concentrate. Please help me so that I can score well and also get her back in my life?

Hi mr. mister –

Oh this is such a tough situation!

I deal with this all the time.  Some humans like it when I jump on them, some hate that but like getting lots of kisses, and some find dog-kisses gross.  In each case, I just want to be friendly, but it’s hard to know how to show that to someone unless you know exactly what they like and don’t like.

I’ve known humans who consider it rejection if the person they’re with isn’t possessive of them.  Others like it, or tolerate it… or absolutely hate it.  And there’s no way of knowing until you get in there and try it out.

So this woman is VERY intolerant of it.  She clearly can’t tolerate even the idea of you being possessive of her (since you hadn’t had the chance to show it much!).

So when you ask if you were wrong at any point, the answer is yes – what you did bothered her – but I don’t know that you could have known any better.   It actually sounds to me like you’ve been very polite and tolerant with her.  (But who cares what I think?  I’m totally cool with my human taking me out on a leash!)

The question now is what to Continue reading

0 Can love stories really come true?

Jhalli asks: I ‘m fond of watching romantic dramas and web series and reading romantic novels. There are several love stories I saw. I feel that hopefully, these love stories can happen in my life also. My friends say I’m living in a fantasy world. Is it possible that love stories can happen in the real world or maybe in my life, like in the series? Does a pure love exist in the real world also?

Hi Jhalli –

Well I hope it’s not breaking news when I tell you that rarely is real life as pretty  as it exists on the screen.  I’m no judge of human beauty, but I do know that the world is full of hospitals and there isn’t one where the whole staff is as good-looking as they are on Grey’s Anatomy!   So if you’re asking if real life is going to give you romances with perfect gorgeous people who never sweat or have a runny nose or get spinach stuck in their teeth… then no.  Sorry to disappoint.

But if you’re asking if love, wild love, passionate love, timeless love, crazy love, lovely love, can exist, I am here to tell you it absolutely can and does.

As a first example, I’ll use myself.  Now the love between a dog and a person might not be what you had in mind from those novels, but believe me, my Handsome and I are CRAAAAAAAZY  about each other.  We think of each other all the time, we love the touch and sight and smell of each other… and we are so close that when one of us gets hurt or sick, the other develops the symptoms.  One night I was attacked by an angry dog, and that whole night, Handsome kept waking up from nightmares where it was him getting attacked!  And he often coos into my ear, “No one has ever loved anything more than I love my knucklehead!” And I think he’s right.

But when it comes to love between humans…  There’s a reason those romance stories have been so popular for the history of humanity, and that’s that yes, they are based in a reality.  People do  fall in love with each other, people do  stay faithful to each other…

And yes, real life also offers uncountable complications!  Love can be one-sided, a person can betray their lover, people cheat, people lose interest, people become less attractive… all these things happen all the time.

But aren’t those exactly what happens in those books and movies and series you adore?  (Otherwise the stories would be really dull: “He and she met and fell in love and never looked at another person and lived in total happiness till they died a century later.”  Borrrrrrring!)

The trick for you is, when you find someone to have a relationship with, to Continue reading

0 What to do when your boyfriend or girlfriend encourages you to date others

Jewell asks: My boyfriend of 2 years told me, after I gained admission to university, that I should try other guys and enjoy myself in school, so as not to be blinded by my love for him. He told me he wants to be part of my world, not my whole world. That I should be focused in school and achieve something. He is far away from me but we don’t talk always, as he said we shouldn’t always talk. He said he loves me so much but if I was around I would have been his whole world. I’m confused I don’t know what to think anymore.

Hi Jewell –

I have a few reactions to this.  First, it definitely does sound like he truly cares about you, and wants the best for you, and that’s a great thing, no matter what.

Second, it’s clear he wants you to live your life as well as possible.   Again, that’s great.

Third, it sounds like he’s worried that being fully attached to him would hold you back.  Which again shows him to be a good guy, but isn’t exactly how you feel about the relationship!

Which leads me to number Four, which is kind of funny.  Because he is working so hard to let go of controlling you, but in so doing, he’s actually being very  controlling!  It’s not you who’s saying you want freedom to date, or to focus more in school, or to talk less; it’s him!  And all for your sake!

And this all puts you in a tough place.  It would be awful to argue to him that he’s wrong, that you do  want him to be your whole world and for you to be his – and then suddenly get focused on school and want to date new guys and all that!  But it’s also tough to just say “Okay, thanks for the freedom,” and go off to do things you don’t really care about!

So here’s my suggestion.  First, point out my Continue reading

0 What to do when your husband’s family makes him choose between them and you

Join my pack asks: I’ve been in a marriage for the past five years, but most of the time our life is in problems based on our family surroundings. I want some respect from my partner’s family, but that is not given to me properly and he won’t give them up. I think he didn’t give priority to me, and this affects me and our relationship badly. What should I do?

Hi Join my pack –

I find this situation so sad.  Why would a family not treat their young man’s wife with respect?  Don’t they realize that you are part of their family now?  One of them?

But in the end, I have to really take a hard look at your husband.  Because he’s the one who chose you, and he’s the one who made the full commitment to you.  So it’s his job to get them to treat you better.

I can relate to your situation.  I was a pretty awful puppy (very destructive, always biting everyone and everything), and my human friend Handsome’s family developed some negative feelings about me.  But he has always defended me to them, insisting that I’m “The Best Thing Ever,” and that they had to treat me well (and I did get better!).

But a bigger deal has been Handsome’s girlfriends.  Some of them really haven’t cared much for me at all (I think they’re jealous, which is goofy!), and he’s been put in some really awful situations.

In one case, one of them literally asked him to decide between us – did he choose her or me?  He loved her lots, had hopes of marrying her.  But he realized something very dark and serious.

He realized that only one of us would ever (or could  ever) ask him to make such a choice.  So he chose Continue reading

0 What to do when someone pulls away after online intimacy

Jaggu asks: I met a guy through online chatting. We grew close in a few days and I proposed to him. He admitted that he likes me. After that we chatted and video called continuously, and after about a month we proposed love for each other. Then his exams started and he firstly started ignoring me, then eventually he stopped all the messages and calls. He didn’t even contact me after the exams, and forgot my birthday. After this I directly confronted him and asked him if he wanted to breakup with me. He refused and told me that he is busy with his work nowadays and he will not talk to me every day but some days only. I miss him very much and I love him genuinely. I don’t know what to do now. I don’t want to break up with him. Can you tell me what to do?

Hi Jaggu –

I have a pretty strong opinion about this one.  Being a dog, my relationships with others aren’t exactly the same as you humans have.  For example, my best friends are dogs I like to play roughly with – we tumble and pretend-fight and have a great time.  We don’t talk and text and go to movies.  And my closest relationship, with my human friend Handsome, also is mostly non-verbal, and very unlike any human relationship I know.  But in both cases, these are wonderful relationships, because we all know exactly what we are and what we’re doing.

Now when I hear about someone meeting in online chatting, I think that’s great (as long as it’s all safe).  After all, it’s kind of like the relationship you and I have right here.  But would I call it “committed?”  No, most definitely not.  I talk with other people on this website, and you have your own life.  We might talk again tomorrow, or we might never talk again, and either way is okay.

So when this guy says you and he have a boyfriend-girlfriend relationship, but then he doesn’t communicate with you much, or even remember your birthday – I have to ask, what kind of Continue reading

0 At what point do you call a behavior cheating?

Sid8879 asks: I have been in a relationship for the last 3 years (now a long-distance one), and my girlfriend cheated me two or three times. I caught her chatting with her ex and other boys in flirty ways. I really love her a lot and can’t lose her. Every time she says it’s my fault – why am I spying on her? She is not ashamed or guilty that she has cheated on me, but she shouted at me because I spied on her. She doesn’t share anything with me, she always keeps scolding me. She always talks rudely, but I can’t face her. It’s like I have lost all my self-respect. I really want to forget her. Today she fought with me because I didn’t pick up her call – as I was in the washroom – and she broke up with me. I’m really losing my self-respect. I really love her and want her back. I want to be happy. But I am fed up with her lies.

Hi Sid8879 –

I guess I have two answers for you.  First, it does sound like she’s treating you badly, and ruining your self-esteem.  I’ve watched my human friend Handsome in relationships that do that to him, and it never works out well: the lower his self-esteem gets, the less she cares for him, and so it’s just a question of when it will all end (and not if).

So if things are really this bad, even though you still love her, you might consider ending the romance – even though you say she already did it.  (And if she wants you badly enough, that might make her willing to change her behavior, and treat you with more affection and respect, even from a distance).

But second, I am a bit confused.  You say that she Continue reading

0 What to do when your boyfriend or girlfriend suggests an open relationship

Jewell asks: I’ve been in this relationship for 2 years, but during the journey we broke up for like 6 months. I couldn’t move on with my life, just found myself thinking of him every passing day. After a while we got in touch again. We started talking and I found out we’d broken up cause of just a misunderstanding. We got back together, but things haven’t been the same since then. This relationship is now from a distance. We only talk once in a while. This is hurting me so badly but I just love him too much. He told me he loves me but that I shouldn’t be blinded by my love for him. He said I should have another relationship to check if I can love another. I should enjoy my life as a student; he doesn’t want to restrict me. I should make him part of my world, but not my whole world. I find this confusing. Should I continue in this relationship? Though he tells me he loves me, he wants me to determine what I want. We hardly talk and if you think I should continue, what should I do to make this relationship work?

Hi Jewell –

I appreciate your asking me these things, but I think you’re asking the wrong dog.  The only one who can answer these questions is him.  But I’d ask them in different ways:

First, what does he want from you?  What does he want in this relationship?  Is he only concerned about the future (maybe he’s testing to see how committed you’d be over time; after all, you guys did break up for six months, so he might be scared to commit if you’re not fully in)?  Or is he unsure about things as they are, and maybe looking to get involved with other people, and would feel better about it if you did the same?

Second, where does he see this relationship going?  Is he thinking about marriage?  Is he thinking past next week?

Third, why are things so distant?  Does he like it this way, or is he frustrated too, the way you are?

And fourth, what does he mean by Continue reading

0 What to do when your boyfriend’s or girlfriend’s parents family reject you for having a handicap

Sneha asks: I was in a relationship. As I am handicapped, his parents rejected me. After that he apologized on behalf of his parents, but he left me alone after one month. I was ill so I contacted him again. He was talking with me nicely, but not casual, but again he started me neglecting me. I don’t know what to do.

Hi Sneha –

I get lots of letters from people in relationships with boyfriends and girlfriends who run hot-and-cold.  One day they’re friendly, the next day they’re distant.  And my usual advice to them is to talk to these people about it and tell them how it bothers you, and see if they change.  If they do, great; but if they don’t, I suggest they leave, because these people are showing them just the way they’ll continue to treat them in the future.

And my advice to you is the same.  But I’m extra-bothered by something else you say in your letter.  This guy was in a relationship with you, but his parents rejected you because you have a handicap?  What sort of jerks are they?

If a handicap makes you unattractive to someone, that’s sad but understandable.  But this guy liked you, was attracted to you.  And his parents said your disability made you unacceptable?  I think that’s crazy.

Has your boyfriend ever asked his father what would happen if his wife was in a car accident and became wheelchair-bound – would he divorce her for that?  Or has he asked his mother what she would do if her husband had a stroke and lost some of his speaking ability?  Move out of the house?

Love is a beautiful thing, and truly committed marriages are profound.  I don’t know where you live and what actual words your wedding ceremonies include, but I’ll bet they have some sort of concept along the lines of “for better or worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, till death do us part.”

I live with a human who loves me like crazy.  And if I don’t do something stupid like get hit by a car while chasing a squirrel, I’m going to become either sick or old or both.  And I know my human won’t reject me for that.  He’s told me, he considers it a sacred duty, that he will stay with me until the very end, however that happens.

You deserve that too.  Of course I know there’s nothing “lucky” about your disability, but there is something lucky about how it’s shown you what your boyfriend’s family really is.

So if you break up with him, I’m sorry and hope you find someone else very soon.  But if you two try to work things out, I’d strongly suggest you get him talking about his parents’ values, and whether or not he shares them.

Because I’m REALLY  bothered by what they did!

All my best,

Shirelle

0 What to do when a pursuer pulls away

Free asks: I was in a relationship with this guy for the past month. I’ve known him for five years, but wasn’t so close before. He always keeps messaging me and says that he loves me, but when I initially kissed him, then all those things went a little less. Moreover he’s having his studies, and his parents are mad at him because he doesn’t study. He didn’t spend New Years with me. I felt bad, but instead I messaged him keeping my ego aside. But he read the message and didn’t reply for days. I even asked him later if everything was okay – and he even didn’t reply. What should I do?

Hi Free –

So if I’m understanding correctly, for almost five years he’s been pursuing you, telling you he loves you, and such.  And then a month ago you two finally kissed, and since then he’s been distant?

Well you may be right to focus on his studies and his parents; maybe he’s under lots of pressure to think about something other than you.  But if so, he ought to have the courtesy to tell you!  Maybe he needs to stay focused till some tests or something.  But the only way for you to know that would be if he opened up about it.

Or perhaps he’s a guy who, like all us dogs, just loves the thrill of the chase.  So much so that, once he’d managed to get you to kiss him, suddenly he lost interest in you.

In either of these cases, my inclination is to Continue reading