Category Archives for "Featured Questions"

0 How to get children to improvise in their lives

Shirelle asks: According to you what should today’s children do to improvise their lifestyle

Hi Shirelle –

Thousands of people have joined my pack, but you’re the first to ever have the same name as me!  That’s soooo cool!

You ask a very interesting question.  I’m not sure if you actually meant to ask what children should do to improve  their lifestyle, but I like what you said better!

Improvisation is something done in all sorts of the arts, where one doesn’t just do a specifically-written piece, but instead works in in-the-moment creativity to create something new.  Jazz is music formed very often in improvisation (though we also hear it a lot in instrumental solos in rock and pop, or even moments in operas where a singer is allowed to make up a little trill).  And we hear a lot about Improv in comedy, where the performers make up a humorous scene as they go along.

In both cases, while the artist is being fully creative, they’re also following certain rules.  In music, the improviser has to stay connected to the song the rest of the musicians are playing, and in comedy, the performers have to stick to whatever logic their scene has going (so for example, if the scene’s taking place in a library, one of them can’t suddenly decide they’re swimming in the ocean).  The core of this is called “Yes-And.”  You have to agree with whatever has come before, and then add what you can to it.

So while your question might have involved you using a different word than you intended, I think you asked something just great!  How can children learn to play by the rules, just enough, but also feel free to add their own voices and meanings to the world they’re in.

Well, to that I have a few thoughts.

First, kids need to Continue reading

1 How to navigate a friends-with-benefits relationship

Tejaswani asks: I’m in a friends with benefits arrangement. I’m not the casual relationship kind of a person. I usually catch feelings after a certain point. This guy is not into the commitment thing at all so relationship is out of the picture. I’m a short and plump girl. My best friend is hot and guys are often attracted to her and approach me to get to her. Sometimes it gets just very annoying. So this guy is also somewhat attracted towards her and says that he might end up dating her jokingly often but it hurts. I don’t know what to do or whatever.

Hi Tejaswani –

You probably know that my main relationship is with a human I call Handsome.  He adores me, I adore him, he scratches my tummy, I lick his nose, he feeds me, I protect his home from squirrels and burglars… it’s a pretty great relationship.

One thing both of us were quite weak at when we first met was Personal Boundaries.  I was a puppy and simply didn’t care or conceive of them, and Handsome was a guy who let others walk all over him (or in my case, bite him, chew on him, pull on him, etc!)

Over time, though, we both learned ways we needed them.  I needed his friends and girlfriends to respect my rights, and he needed me to learn not to jump on everyone I wanted to, and at times to leave him quiet and alone.  It was the opposite of our usual crazy-love energy, but it’s made both our lives better.

I want to somehow give you an overflowing bowl of Personal Boundaries!!!

You describe yourself as “not the casual relationship kind of person,” and yet you’re in a “friends with benefits arrangement.”  I see a big problem here already!  Then you explain that you care about this guy, and he isn’t into commitment, and even might be interested in your friend, whom you often see other guys attracted to, even to the point of using you to get close to her.

This sounds MISERABLE to me!

Now I don’t know if he’s just Continue reading

0 How to help special-needs children in mainstream classes

Megan asks: Hi my son has ADHD and he was in a special class last year and his teacher decided that we give his a chance In a mainstream class. My son was so excited that he was going to a normal class, but now I think that it wasn’t a good idea, because the work is getting too much for him to handle. I spoke to him and explained to him that it’s fine, that he should just come to me and tell me that he can’t cope, and then we can make a plan. I think he is afraid to disappoint himself and of what other kids would say. I try to encourage him. I don’t know what to say to him anymore. What do I do?

Hi Megan –

I can’t know enough to say whether this particular school is right for your son. But you do bring up an issue that I think is awfully important, which is what seems to be his embarrassment or shame about having ADHD.

Of course it’s very normal for all kids to want to fit in with their classmates. And I have no doubt it’s tough for him to be in this in-between status, too “normal” for the special class, and too “different” for the mainstream one.  It’s like when I first went to the dog park – I was too new to know how to play with the adult dogs, and too big to play with the puppies – a really frustrating day!

Now eventually I learned to do just great at the park, so that thought makes me think that maybe you should Continue reading

0 How to pursue a crush who already has a boyfriend or girlfriend

ROhit1996 asks: A girl has been living in my house as a paying guest for a month. I like that girl so much, and I think she is also likes me. But one day I found out that she already has a boyfriend. I was disappointed, and tried to forget about her, but I can’t. I like that girl so much I want to live with her as a partner for a whole life. But because of her boyfriend, I can’t tell her my emotions. She told me that she is moving from here in one week, and now I can’t imagine a day without her! I enjoy her company so much and I want that company for life time. What should I do?!

Hi ROhit1996 –

I love it when I get romantic stories like this!  And I know there’s one person who’d love it even more than I would…  That Girl!

Now you’re absolutely right that you need to be very careful about how you treat her.  She’s a paying guest in your house, so it would be awful for you to put any giant pressure on her, or make her feel uncomfortable while she’s a renter.

But there’s the great news… she’s moving out in a week!  So you can tell her exactly how you feel, with no problem!

And here’s the thing that strikes me.  She’s been there a month, and you completely fell for her, without knowing she had a boyfriend.  Well unless you truly fell in love at first sight, this makes me think he’s not all that big a part of her life!  Maybe they’re dating, but she doesn’t talk about him or bring him around much, and you weren’t seeing him showing up at the door with bulging muscles and bouquets of flowers and a fancy convertible…

Which makes me think she’s not all that  attached!

And you don’t need to say all that stuff about what you’re doing the rest of your life, or even be full-on romantic.  Just say that Continue reading

0 What to do when one of you wants to marry sooner than the other.

Free pack asks: Hi I am in love with this guy who is 23 and I am 25. He has commitment issues . When I told him that I wanna marry him by within two years, he said no he cannot, he has ambitions and wants to settle down first, but he cannot let me go. He also said three years, but still he is scared of the marriage thing. His parents like me and they don’t want him to let me go . But he surrounds himself with stupid things. Now there is a lot of negativity between us, and I am insecure about what would happen if he walks out of my life. We really love each other, but we both are scared of our age difference. We’ve dated for a year.

Hi Free pack –

So you know how people talk about “human years” and “dog years?”  They say we dogs age seven years every time you age one?  Well, if you ask a veterinarian, they’ll tell you that’s not exactly right.  Actually dogs mature much faster than humans in our first years, and then it slows down quite a bit.  So a one year old dog is maybe like a twelve-year-old human.  But still, a twelve-year-old dog is like an eighty-year-old human.

I’m saying this to point out how “relative” the difference of a year or two can be.  If you’re talking about a four-year-old human and a six-year-old, that’s a big difference.  Especially if the younger one’s a boy and the older is a girl, since girl children mature more quickly than boys.

But the difference between a 20-year-old and a 22-year-old?  Not quite as much.  And a 30-year-old and a 32-year-old?  Even less.

And an 80-year-old and an 82-year-old?  Who can tell!

The fact is, the age difference between you and your boyfriend is pretty much meaningless.  Today, you might still be a bit more mature than he is, but if you stay together a while, you two will just become The Couple You Are; the important years will be your years together, not the couple of years you lived before he did.

What’s much more important to me is the fact that you want to marry now and he doesn’t yet.  That’s a real difference!

It’s not that one of you is right and the other is wrong, but that you are on different schedules.

But I will ask you, why is it so important to get married in two years?  If you were older and wanted children right away, that would make sense to me.  But as it is, if he tells you he wants to stay with you, what’s wrong with waiting that extra year?  (You may have a very good answer to that question; I’m just asking it).

I think the big job is for you and he to talk very openly about what you want.  Is he as committed to this relationship as you want him to be?  Is he sure what he wants?  And what is it that you want from a future marriage, and when?

I think if you two talk those things out, you’ll get a much better sense of what’s right (or not) in the relationship, and be able to figure out what needs your work.

And here’s the funny part – if you have that conversation, it’ll actually make you both more mature adults.  Which will make your age difference matter even less!!

Best of luck!

Shirelle

0 What to do if you’re in a committed relationship but can’t stop fighting.

Old_Regret asks: I’ve been in a relationship for about a year and 6 months now. We were very happy, but in recent days we have been fighting – on some very silly things and sometimes some serious things also. I can’t stand to see her upset. We are really trying hard not to fight with each other. But always something happens and it ruins everything . We both just can’t live without each other. But we can’t spend our whole life fighting with each other either. These all things are disturbing both of us. Please suggest what should I do!

Hi Old_Regret –

I do this website because I like giving people helpful advice.  But I can only do that in a broad sense.  I can’t work with the tiny details that happen in the moments of conversations, simply because that’s impossible with the timing.

It sounds to me like you and your girlfriend both want this relationship to work, and don’t know how to keep from all this fighting.  I only know one solution, and sadly it’s not me.  I urge you two to get a couples therapist.

You’re going to want to find someone who’s unbiased – not a friend or a relative – someone who’ll help you two learn to discuss disagreements in more constructive ways.  Also, most of the time when couples fight, they aren’t just disagreeing about the actual issue at hand, but also about hurt feelings that connect to experiences they each had long ago – which is just what therapists are trained to work with.

I don’t know where you live, but if you want to let me know (I’ll keep it secret), I can give you some suggestions to help you find someone.

But truly, as helpful a pup as I am, that’s the only suggestion I’ve got.

Let me know if I can help with that – or with anything else!

Shirelle

0 Should you stay in a relationship that ignores your wishes?

Rash asks: I’ve been in a relationship for the past 2 years with my boyfriend. But we are so different from each other. I like to share some special moments with him like dates, dinner, lunch, movies and all, but he never asks me for this. This makes me soo upset and unhappy in my life. I’m thinking about breaking up because I know he will never change. What should I do?

Hi Rash –

I think I’m a bit confused.  If you guys don’t have dates, dinners, lunches, or movies together… what exactly is your relationship?  If you’re living together I guess that’s something, but even then it sounds to me like two roommates who don’t really like each other much.

So what do you guys do together?  Watch sports?  Take hikes?  Eat breakfast?!

If you’ve been saying you want these other things, and he’s not responding, then yeah, this might well be a situation you’ll want to leave behind.  But if you haven’t, then that’s my main suggestion – to tell him what you’re feeling’s wrong, what’s missing, etc.

The important thing here is to look at this relationship as clearly as you can, and ask yourself what is it you need, and if he’s willing or able to give that.  And if the answer’s no, it sounds like you owe it to yourself to get free and find someone who likes the things you do.

Best of luck!

Shirelle

0 Is it best to travel with friends, or stay in school?

Cubcub asks: I had planned to go to another country with my best friend. Then I thought she would take her college studies here, so I processed my papers also to be a working scholar on a university because I thought we won’t be going. But things changed, my bff is going to go abroad. The problem is I am confused which should I choose – my scholarship here (which is very tiring and I am staying at my aunt and uncle’s house which is strict) or to resign here and grab the chance to go to another country, have a job, and earn income, which would really help my family?

Hi Cubcub –

We dogs aren’t all that smart, really.  And unless there’s a really clear difference between two choices (live in a dungeon being tortured or move to a pastoral home all-expenses-paid), it’s hard for me to choose for someone else.

But we pups are VERY good at reading people’s feelings.  And I don’t even think I’d have to be all that good at it to see – you want to go.  You want to be with your friend, you want to get a job and earn money, and you’d like to get out of the strict household.

But going would mean giving up on that scholarship.

Or would it?

Have you checked with the university to see if you could hold off for a year or two, and then still get the scholarship?  My guess is that they very well might say yes.  Then if they do, I think you could make the wonderful choice to go with your friend, make money, have a freer life, and then come back and do the scholarship.

There’s another argument for that as well – although humans tend to want to get education at the earliest age possible, I find that students who’ve lived some time in the ‘real world’ actually do better at universities than those who just push through.  They have a better sense of why they’re doing the work they are, and learning what they are, and often crave knowledge so much they study more than just what’s taught in the class.

So I’d say to check with the school and find out.  And maybe also find out if, if you come back for that scholarship, you’d be able to get discounted student housing, so you wouldn’t have to live in that strict home anymore, and could instead enjoy visiting your aunt and uncle when it’s convenient for all of you.

Hoping this works!

Shirelle

0 What to do when your boyfriend’s behavior makes no sense at all

tiffy1611 asks: I have been in a relationship for 2 years. And I really love him. But during this time, he once cheated on me and never accepted it. That’s the reason I could never forgive him. Now he has become what he is supposed to be but I have become extremely insecure. I cannot blindly trust him anymore. I always feel that he might leave me or cheat on me again. And I try controlling it, but sometimes I burst out. Now something happened and I kind of blamed him that he is doing this things behind my back. He is extremely hurt. And broke up with me. He has blocked me from everywhere and is shutting me off. I want him back cause I really do love him – what should I do?

Hi Anoushka. 1998 –

This is always a very difficult situation.  It’s hard enough to open yourself up and trust someone when they haven’t done anything wrong, but it’s really hard when they have.

Now if there weren’t three particular words in your question, I’d have some very particular suggestions on how to try to repair the relationship.  But those would be based on my believing that both of you agreed about what happened in the past.

What worries me is when you say he cheated on you once “and never accepted it.” 

Okay, that’s four words.  Sorry.  Doggy brain.

Are you saying that he never admitted that he cheated, or that he never accepted how serious this experience was for you?  Or is it that you never accepted it?

It looks to me like you’re saying he didn’t accept it.  And whatever he didn’t accept, I think there’s our big problem.

If a person cheats, and admits it, and expresses regret, then there’s a way for the relationship to move forward, and maybe work out.  But if they deny it, or say it didn’t matter, or some such thing, then there’s no way for the couple to move forward.

I love to tell the story of the time Continue reading

0 What to do when someone is jealous of how your ex feels about you

Sruthi asks: My best friend is also my ex. His best friend is the girl who proposed to him. She really hates me. And today she called me the worst words ever. I feel like I’m gonna kill myself. I asked my ex if he didn’t care about me, and he didn’t even reply. What should I do?

Hi Sruthi –

Okay, first thing you should do – DON’T kill yourself!  If we can get that worked out, the rest is far simpler!!

So here’s the simple fact – she’s jealous of you.  There’s no other reason why she’d bother you.

I hate jealousy.  I can fall into it myself (Handsome will pet a puppy and tell him how cute he is, and I want to beat that little mongrel to a pulp!).  But it’s really an emotion that does no good, and makes everyone miserable.

This girl probably picks up that your ex still has feelings for you (even when people break up knowing it’s the right thing to do, and even disliking the person they’re breaking up with, they still have feelings for that person; it’s impossible not to).  And she’s got her own voices telling her she’s not good enough, and all that nonsense.

My suggestion is that you Continue reading