Free pack asks: Hi I am in love with this guy who is 23 and I am 25. He has commitment issues . When I told him that I wanna marry him by within two years, he said no he cannot, he has ambitions and wants to settle down first, but he cannot let me go. He also said three years, but still he is scared of the marriage thing. His parents like me and they don’t want him to let me go . But he surrounds himself with stupid things. Now there is a lot of negativity between us, and I am insecure about what would happen if he walks out of my life. We really love each other, but we both are scared of our age difference. We’ve dated for a year.
Hi Free pack –
So you know how people talk about “human years” and “dog years?” They say we dogs age seven years every time you age one? Well, if you ask a veterinarian, they’ll tell you that’s not exactly right. Actually dogs mature much faster than humans in our first years, and then it slows down quite a bit. So a one year old dog is maybe like a twelve-year-old human. But still, a twelve-year-old dog is like an eighty-year-old human.
I’m saying this to point out how “relative” the difference of a year or two can be. If you’re talking about a four-year-old human and a six-year-old, that’s a big difference. Especially if the younger one’s a boy and the older is a girl, since girl children mature more quickly than boys.
But the difference between a 20-year-old and a 22-year-old? Not quite as much. And a 30-year-old and a 32-year-old? Even less.
And an 80-year-old and an 82-year-old? Who can tell!
The fact is, the age difference between you and your boyfriend is pretty much meaningless. Today, you might still be a bit more mature than he is, but if you stay together a while, you two will just become The Couple You Are; the important years will be your years together, not the couple of years you lived before he did.
What’s much more important to me is the fact that you want to marry now and he doesn’t yet. That’s a real difference!
It’s not that one of you is right and the other is wrong, but that you are on different schedules.
But I will ask you, why is it so important to get married in two years? If you were older and wanted children right away, that would make sense to me. But as it is, if he tells you he wants to stay with you, what’s wrong with waiting that extra year? (You may have a very good answer to that question; I’m just asking it).
I think the big job is for you and he to talk very openly about what you want. Is he as committed to this relationship as you want him to be? Is he sure what he wants? And what is it that you want from a future marriage, and when?
I think if you two talk those things out, you’ll get a much better sense of what’s right (or not) in the relationship, and be able to figure out what needs your work.
And here’s the funny part – if you have that conversation, it’ll actually make you both more mature adults. Which will make your age difference matter even less!!
Best of luck!