How to navigate a friends-with-benefits relationship

Tejaswani asks: I’m in a friends with benefits arrangement. I’m not the casual relationship kind of a person. I usually catch feelings after a certain point. This guy is not into the commitment thing at all so relationship is out of the picture. I’m a short and plump girl. My best friend is hot and guys are often attracted to her and approach me to get to her. Sometimes it gets just very annoying. So this guy is also somewhat attracted towards her and says that he might end up dating her jokingly often but it hurts. I don’t know what to do or whatever.

Hi Tejaswani –


You probably know that my main relationship is with a human I call Handsome.  He adores me, I adore him, he scratches my tummy, I lick his nose, he feeds me, I protect his home from squirrels and burglars… it’s a pretty great relationship.


One thing both of us were quite weak at when we first met was Personal Boundaries.  I was a puppy and simply didn’t care or conceive of them, and Handsome was a guy who let others walk all over him (or in my case, bite him, chew on him, pull on him, etc!)


Over time, though, we both learned ways we needed them.  I needed his friends and girlfriends to respect my rights, and he needed me to learn not to jump on everyone I wanted to, and at times to leave him quiet and alone.  It was the opposite of our usual crazy-love energy, but it’s made both our lives better.


I want to somehow give you an overflowing bowl of Personal Boundaries!!!


You describe yourself as “not the casual relationship kind of person,” and yet you’re in a “friends with benefits arrangement.”  I see a big problem here already!  Then you explain that you care about this guy, and he isn’t into commitment, and even might be interested in your friend, whom you often see other guys attracted to, even to the point of using you to get close to her.


This sounds MISERABLE to me!


Now I don’t know if he’s just teasing you when he says he wants to date her, but if so, he should learn to stop it.  The fact is, you’ve been hurt by this in the past, so he should find other ways to tease you (like if you disagree about a movie or a singer – that’s usually fun and still safe!).


But the fact is, you want to be in a committed relationship, and he doesn’t.  And unless one of you changes their wishes, that’s guaranteed to feel crummy.


Now sure, we hear all the time about people saying they don’t want commitment, and then falling for someone and suddenly becoming completely committed.  And this guy could be that.  But you have the right to demand it, at least short-term.  Something like “I’m not asking you to marry me, but while we’re together, I have to be the only one.  Or else you’re going to have to look elsewhere, because I don’t play that game.”


Now what if you have been “playing that game,” and are suddenly changing your mind and wanting something different?  FINE!!  Just say so.  “I know we’ve been doing this, but I don’t like this arrangement anymore.”  You have EVERY right to say that, and demand it.


Now of course, he then has the same right, to cheerfully break off your current relationship.


But if he does, that means he wasn’t that into you, so you’re no worse off.


I just DO want you having the right to tell him what you want.


I can sure tell you, no matter how independent I act during the day, when I curl up next to Handsome on his bed at night, he knows just how committed I am!




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roshini - July 21, 2018 Reply

you should confess him about your feelings first

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