0 What to do when your girlfriend or boyfriend suddenly demands more money from you

Leeeee asks: I moved in with my girlfriend and her 2 kids and we applied to buy a house together, but now there are funds that we should pay and we don’t have, so I suggested we wait and save up, and when ready we should apply again, but she disagrees and even told me she will try for the lawyers to remove me from the bond if I’m not willing to sacrifice. That suggestion of her made me wonder a lot! Now I actually doubt the entire buying story, please help I’m lost, am I doing the right thing?

Hi Leeeee –

 

 

Okay, this is one of those questions where I have to deal with the fact that I’m only hearing one side of the story.  Maybe your girlfriend has a very different version.

 

But I can only work with what I’ve got.

 

If you’re right, that you two can’t afford the house you want, and you say you want to save up for one, and she’s threatening legal action to force you into paying more (or going into debt, or whatever ‘sacrifice’ she’s thinking), then my view on this is…

 

… You’re In Luck!

 

When humans get Continue reading

0 How to get children to improvise in their lives

Shirelle asks: According to you what should today’s children do to improvise their lifestyle

Hi Shirelle –

 

Thousands of people have joined my pack, but you’re the first to ever have the same name as me!  That’s soooo cool!

 

You ask a very interesting question.  I’m not sure if you actually meant to ask what children should do to improve  their lifestyle, but I like what you said better!

Improvisation is something done in all sorts of the arts, where one doesn’t just do a specifically-written piece, but instead works in in-the-moment creativity to create something new.  Jazz is music formed very often in improvisation (though we also hear it a lot in instrumental solos in rock and pop, or even moments in operas where a singer is allowed to make up a little trill).  And we hear a lot about Improv in comedy, where the performers make up a humorous scene as they go along.

In both cases, while the artist is being fully creative, they’re also following certain rules.  In music, the improviser has to stay connected to the song the rest of the musicians are playing, and in comedy, the performers have to stick to whatever logic their scene has going (so for example, if the scene’s taking place in a library, one of them can’t suddenly decide they’re swimming in the ocean).  The core of this is called “Yes-And.”  You have to agree with whatever has come before, and then add what you can to it.

 

So while your question might have involved you using a different word than you intended, I think you asked something just great!  How can children learn to play by the rules, just enough, but also feel free to add their own voices and meanings to the world they’re in.

 

Well, to that I have a few thoughts.

 

First, kids need to Continue reading

0 How to trust someone who’s cheated on you

Anoushka.1998 asks: I have been in a relationship for 2 years. And I really love him. But during this time, he once cheated on me and never accepted it. That’s the reason I could never forgive him. Now he has become what he is supposed to be but I have become extremely insecure. I cannot blindly trust him anymore. I always feel that he might leave me or cheat on me again. And I try controlling it, but sometimes I burst out. Now something happened and I kind of blamed him that he is doing this things behind my back. He is extremely hurt. And broke up with me. He has blocked me from everywhere and is shutting me off. I want him back cause I really do love him – what should I do?

Hi Anoushka. 1998 –

 

 

This is always a very difficult situation.  It’s hard enough to open yourself up and trust someone when they haven’t done anything wrong, but it’s really hard when they have.

 

Now if there weren’t three particular words in your question, I’d have some very particular suggestions on how to try to repair the relationship.  But those would be based on my believing that both of you agreed about what happened in the past.

 

What worries me is when you say he cheated on you once “and never accepted it.” 

 

Okay, that’s four words.  Sorry.  Doggy brain.

 

Are you saying that he never admitted that he cheated, or that he never accepted how serious this experience was for you?  Or is it that you never accepted it?

 

It looks to me like you’re saying he didn’t accept it.  And whatever he didn’t accept, I think there’s our big problem.

 

If a person cheats, and admits it, and expresses regret, then there’s a way for the relationship to move forward, and maybe work out.  But if they deny it, or say it didn’t matter, or some such thing, then there’s no way for the couple to move forward.

 

I love to tell the story of the time Handsome was in a big hurry and put me in the back seat of his car and slammed the door – on my tail!  WOW did that hurt!  I let out a scream, and so did he – his was something like “OH NO!!!  What have I done?!”  He threw the door open, started feeling my tail to see if he’d broken any bones in it, and then covered me in kisses and caresses, saying over and over how sorry he was.

 

Now my initial reaction to this was shock – I couldn’t believe he could have made a mistake like that.  But his affection calmed me down, and, now that we both knew he was capable of such a thing, he has always been extra careful with doors, and I’m always careful, when I get into a car, to turn around so my tail is all the way in the seat!

 

In other words, we both work together to make sure this awfulness never happens again (and it hasn’t, I’m glad to say!).

 

But imagine if I’d yelped, and he’d ignored it.  Or if he’d said “You stupid dog, that’s what you get for having your tail in the doorway!”  I’d never really be able to trust him again.

 

So if your boyfriend has really shown that he’s sorry for what he did, and has admitted everything, then you’re probably a little too suspicious, and shouldn’t have accused him of something he didn’t do, and maybe if you call him and apologize, you can work it out.

 

But if he hasn’t accepted how much he hurt you, then he might as well have slammed a door on your tail – there’s no way you can really fix this, or learn to trust him.  And all this blocking you is probably his way of avoiding feeling guilty about the truth.

 

And I’m awfully sorry to say it, but if it’s this last one that’s true, the only job ahead of you is to start the painful work of getting over him.  Because he’s working very hard to make sure you have nothing to trust in this relationship.

 

Wishing you strength and the best of luck,

Shirelle

 

1 How to navigate a friends-with-benefits relationship

Tejaswani asks: I’m in a friends with benefits arrangement. I’m not the casual relationship kind of a person. I usually catch feelings after a certain point. This guy is not into the commitment thing at all so relationship is out of the picture. I’m a short and plump girl. My best friend is hot and guys are often attracted to her and approach me to get to her. Sometimes it gets just very annoying. So this guy is also somewhat attracted towards her and says that he might end up dating her jokingly often but it hurts. I don’t know what to do or whatever.

Hi Tejaswani –

 

You probably know that my main relationship is with a human I call Handsome.  He adores me, I adore him, he scratches my tummy, I lick his nose, he feeds me, I protect his home from squirrels and burglars… it’s a pretty great relationship.

 

One thing both of us were quite weak at when we first met was Personal Boundaries.  I was a puppy and simply didn’t care or conceive of them, and Handsome was a guy who let others walk all over him (or in my case, bite him, chew on him, pull on him, etc!)

 

Over time, though, we both learned ways we needed them.  I needed his friends and girlfriends to respect my rights, and he needed me to learn not to jump on everyone I wanted to, and at times to leave him quiet and alone.  It was the opposite of our usual crazy-love energy, but it’s made both our lives better.

 

I want to somehow give you an overflowing bowl of Personal Boundaries!!!

 

You describe yourself as “not the casual relationship kind of person,” and yet you’re in a “friends with benefits arrangement.”  I see a big problem here already!  Then you explain that you care about this guy, and he isn’t into commitment, and even might be interested in your friend, whom you often see other guys attracted to, even to the point of using you to get close to her.

 

This sounds MISERABLE to me!

 

Now I don’t know if he’s just Continue reading

0 How to help special-needs children in mainstream classes

Megan asks: Hi my son has ADHD and he was in a special class last year and his teacher decided that we give his a chance In a mainstream class. My son was so excited that he was going to a normal class, but now I think that it wasn’t a good idea, because the work is getting too much for him to handle. I spoke to him and explained to him that it’s fine, that he should just come to me and tell me that he can’t cope, and then we can make a plan. I think he is afraid to disappoint himself and of what other kids would say. I try to encourage him. I don’t know what to say to him anymore. What do I do?

Hi Megan –

 

 

I can’t know enough to say whether this particular school is right for your son. But you do bring up an issue that I think is awfully important, which is what seems to be his embarrassment or shame about having ADHD.

Of course it’s very normal for all kids to want to fit in with their classmates. And I have no doubt it’s tough for him to be in this in-between status, too “normal” for the special class, and too “different” for the mainstream one.  It’s like when I first went to the dog park – I was too new to know how to play with the adult dogs, and too big to play with the puppies – a really frustrating day!

Now eventually I learned to do just great at the park, so that thought makes me think that maybe you should Continue reading

0 Doctor Johnson and Mister Garrick … can anyone actually own anyone…

Doctor Johnson and Mister Garrick … can anyone actually own anyone…

My human friend Handsome loves exciting entertainment.  He loves fun bright music, he watches movies with lots of car chases and horses and guns, and especially loves those with monsters created in laboratories and people who turn into wolves.  Oh and does he adore that TV show with the dragons and the beheadings and the snow-zombies and… you know the one I mean.

 

But he also has this insufferable, ego-driven quest to read all these boring books that someone else once said were important.  Which he often does by playing audio readings of them in his car, so I have to hear them too.  Now it’s delightful to take a nap on a long drive while he’s listening to Harry Potter or a good mystery.  But when he gets to old philosophers or drawn-out novels about women staring at wallpaper or Russian brothers debating religion, I get annoyed.  Yes, I can sleep, but these even make my dreams turn dull!

 

His latest might be the most intolerable (though luckily he’s only reading the book, not making me go through it).  It’s James Boswell’s The Life of Samuel Johnson  (Bet you’re bored already, right?!).  For 250 years it’s been acclaimed as the greatest biography ever written, the best book ever about 18^th-Century England, blah blah blah.  I’ll tell you what it really is; it’s the record of one guy fawning like a lovesick Golden Retriever over every utterance a pompous bore says.

 

Oh, and almost all this noted philosopher speaks is about how everything is just the way it should be.  Their religion is the best, their political system is the best, their class system is the best (Funny, people at the top of their pecking order almost always seem to feel just that way!).  And even that poor people love their class system too, and think it’s the most delightful anywhere (Really?!  I find that usually isn’t…  well, never mind).

 

But one interesting thing did come up in the book, that Handsome asked me about.

 

You see, Dr. Johnson (who, I’ll admit, deserves a lot of credit for writing the first English dictionary, a nearly impossible task) was friends with the most popular and honored actor in the British theater of this time, David Garrick.  But they had the sort of friendship where Johnson would insult Garrick’s acting at every opportunity.  To take him down a peg, arguably; though he might also have been jealous of his talent, success, and popularity.

 

But if someone else put down a performance of Garrick’s, Johnson would disagree with them at once, using his sharp wit to destroy their argument.

 

Then at some point, a great painter named Joshua Reynolds commented that Johnson’s treating Garrick this way – always insulting his successes but critiquing his critics – proved that Johnson considered Garrick his own property.  That he alone had the right to criticize, and compliment, him and his work.

 

So Handsome told me about this, and asked me, “So I’m always insulting you, and telling you that you’re the best thing ever.  Does this mean I own  you?”

 

And this got me thinking.  A lot.

 

Now yes, the law says he does own me.  He pays for my license, which registers me as his property.  And if I bite someone, he’s liable.  But when people marry they have a license too, registering with each other.  And (at least here, today) no one considers one married partner the other’s property.  And while children, of course, are absolutely considered to “belong” to their parents, they’re also seen as their own persons.

 

If you want proof of this, look at the difference between how the law looks at it if someone smashes up their own refrigerator or sofa or computer, to if they smash up their spouse or their child!

 

Now we dogs and cats are in a sort of in-between status there.  If someone beats their Fido or Mr. Whiskers extra badly, they can be arrested for it.  But the law sees nothing wrong with a person putting their pet to a painless death; it’s a major part of what veterinarians do.  While doing that to their spouse is controversial, and to their child absolutely out of the question.

 

Handsome showed me an old movie where a man argues to a woman that because he loves her, she belongs to him.  Now we might laugh at that (or, if it were in real life, be scared she’s about to be kidnapped!), but don’t we all feel that way?  That when we love someone, we feel we own them?

 

I get very upset with dogs who Handsome pets too much.  I don’t get mad at him; I get mad at them.  I jump on them, growling, so they know “He’s mine!  Keep away!”  I love him, so he’s mine.  Right?

 

And once anyone’s in any sort of committed relationship, they are sort of saying they own each other, right?  They set rules:  Children should obey their parents.  Romantic partners should stay faithful to each other.  Employees should show up to work on time, and employers need to treat their employees with respect (now more than ever before).

 

So do any of these people own the other?

 

Kind of!

 

Do voters own politicians?  They can vote them out of office, certainly, if they feel they’re not doing what they want.  But meanwhile, politicians make decisions that spell life and death for those voters (declaring wars, cleaning up or poisoning air and drinking water, etc.).

 

And what about abusers?  Those awful cases we hear about where a person so dominates another that they command full obedience, even beyond what a parent has over a child.  Even there, does the controller actually own their victim?

 

Lots of questions, and not much answer, I know!  But I’ll sure say one thing here: I love loyalty, I love relationships, and I especially love love.  But I do believe we’re each our own being.  So that no one fully, completely, owns anyone else.  If I eat a fly that’s annoying me, I’ve ended its life, yes.  But its life was still its own.  I never owned it.  And even when Handsome tells me that I “own” his heart, I know I don’t really; I just occupy a very large portion of it.

 

I suppose the closest anyone gets to true ownership of another is in the child-parent relationship.  But not because kids do what they’re told.  No, I mean the way the child owns the parent!

 

From the moment a baby is born, or a child is adopted, that mom or dad is never the same.  Their life is never what it was before.  Their choices never are.  Even a negligent parent is just avoiding the responsibilities they know they have.

 

Handsome loves to tell me about the first time he held his baby niece in his hands, and he looked down at this newborn scrunched-up thing and thought “That is the ugliest single creature I’ve ever seen, and I will be hers forevermore.”  And that wasn’t even his own kid!

 

And, to rest my case, in conclusion, as it were, indubitably (see, I can write boring too!) to go back to Handsome’s original question…  No, I don’t think he and I have the same relationship as Dr. Johnson and Mr. Garrick.  At all.

 

Because Handsome would never tell someone they’re wrong for complimenting me.  Or for critiquing me.  If they say they don’t like me, he’ll gladly tell them he feels the opposite, but he respects their opinion.  Instead, he spends every moment in a state of gratitude that he’s been able to have me around.  Just as I feel towards him.

 

And I think that’s the real answer to this whole question.  I don’t own him, but I sure own my joy that he’s in my life.  And he owns his constant awe of me.

 

So my wish for you is to have the freedom to do what Handsome did with his niece (who did get a lot prettier), and what he and I do with each other every day.  To own yourself enough to be able to commit fully to those you care about, those you love, even those you worship.  But always to know that you’re still yourself.

 

Hey, if a pooch can be, certainly you can.

 

 

 

Which leads me to something I enjoy Handsome listening to in the car far more than boring books -a great old song.  If you don’t know it, it’s easy to find (it’s been recorded thousands of times, by too many people to list).  But even if you do know it, just let these words to this great Gershwin ballad feed your soul.  Because here’s what all us lovers truly get to own:

 

The way you wear your hat
The way your sip your tea
The memory of all that
No, no, they can’t take that away from me

The way your smile just beams
The way you sing off key
The way you haunt my dreams
No, no, they can’t take that away from me

We may never, never meet again
On the bumpy road to love
Still, I’ll always, always keep the memory of

The way you hold your knife
The way we danced till three
The way you changed my life
No, no, they can’t take that away from me

 

Just as no one can take YOU from me, my friends!  Hear that?  MY friends!!

Loads of Love,

Shirelle

 

 

0 How to pursue a crush who already has a boyfriend or girlfriend

ROhit1996 asks: A girl has been living in my house as a paying guest for a month. I like that girl so much, and I think she is also likes me. But one day I found out that she already has a boyfriend. I was disappointed, and tried to forget about her, but I can’t. I like that girl so much I want to live with her as a partner for a whole life. But because of her boyfriend, I can’t tell her my emotions. She told me that she is moving from here in one week, and now I can’t imagine a day without her! I enjoy her company so much and I want that company for life time. What should I do?!

Hi ROhit1996 –

 

I love it when I get romantic stories like this!  And I know there’s one person who’d love it even more than I would…  That Girl!

Now you’re absolutely right that you need to be very careful about how you treat her.  She’s a paying guest in your house, so it would be awful for you to put any giant pressure on her, or make her feel uncomfortable while she’s a renter.

But there’s the great news… she’s moving out in a week!  So you can tell her exactly how you feel, with no problem!

And here’s the thing that strikes me.  She’s been there a month, and you completely fell for her, without knowing she had a boyfriend.  Well unless you truly fell in love at first sight, this makes me think he’s not all that big a part of her life!  Maybe they’re dating, but she doesn’t talk about him or bring him around much, and you weren’t seeing him showing up at the door with bulging muscles and bouquets of flowers and a fancy convertible…

Which makes me think she’s not all that  attached!

And you don’t need to say all that stuff about what you’re doing the rest of your life, or even be full-on romantic.  Just say that Continue reading

0 What to do when one of you wants to marry sooner than the other.

Free pack asks: Hi I am in love with this guy who is 23 and I am 25. He has commitment issues . When I told him that I wanna marry him by within two years, he said no he cannot, he has ambitions and wants to settle down first, but he cannot let me go. He also said three years, but still he is scared of the marriage thing. His parents like me and they don’t want him to let me go . But he surrounds himself with stupid things. Now there is a lot of negativity between us, and I am insecure about what would happen if he walks out of my life. We really love each other, but we both are scared of our age difference. We’ve dated for a year.

Hi Free pack –

 

 

So you know how people talk about “human years” and “dog years?”  They say we dogs age seven years every time you age one?  Well, if you ask a veterinarian, they’ll tell you that’s not exactly right.  Actually dogs mature much faster than humans in our first years, and then it slows down quite a bit.  So a one year old dog is maybe like a twelve-year-old human.  But still, a twelve-year-old dog is like an eighty-year-old human.

 

I’m saying this to point out how “relative” the difference of a year or two can be.  If you’re talking about a four-year-old human and a six-year-old, that’s a big difference.  Especially if the younger one’s a boy and the older is a girl, since girl children mature more quickly than boys.

 

But the difference between a 20-year-old and a 22-year-old?  Not quite as much.  And a 30-year-old and a 32-year-old?  Even less.

 

And an 80-year-old and an 82-year-old?  Who can tell!

 

The fact is, the age difference between you and your boyfriend is pretty much meaningless.  Today, you might still be a bit more mature than he is, but if you stay together a while, you two will just become The Couple You Are; the important years will be your years together, not the couple of years you lived before he did.

 

What’s much more important to me is the fact that you want to marry now and he doesn’t yet.  That’s a real difference!

 

It’s not that one of you is right and the other is wrong, but that you are on different schedules.

 

But I will ask you, why is it so important to get married in two years?  If you were older and wanted children right away, that would make sense to me.  But as it is, if he tells you he wants to stay with you, what’s wrong with waiting that extra year?  (You may have a very good answer to that question; I’m just asking it).

 

I think the big job is for you and he to talk very openly about what you want.  Is he as committed to this relationship as you want him to be?  Is he sure what he wants?  And what is it that you want from a future marriage, and when?

 

I think if you two talk those things out, you’ll get a much better sense of what’s right (or not) in the relationship, and be able to figure out what needs your work.

 

And here’s the funny part – if you have that conversation, it’ll actually make you both more mature adults.  Which will make your age difference matter even less!!

 

Best of luck!

Shirelle

0 What to do if you’re in a committed relationship but can’t stop fighting.

Old_Regret asks: I’ve been in a relationship for about a year and 6 months now. We were very happy, but in recent days we have been fighting – on some very silly things and sometimes some serious things also. I can’t stand to see her upset. We are really trying hard not to fight with each other. But always something happens and it ruins everything . We both just can’t live without each other. But we can’t spend our whole life fighting with each other either. These all things are disturbing both of us. Please suggest what should I do!

Hi Old_Regret –

 

 

I do this website because I like giving people helpful advice.  But I can only do that in a broad sense.  I can’t work with the tiny details that happen in the moments of conversations, simply because that’s impossible with the timing.

 

It sounds to me like you and your girlfriend both want this relationship to work, and don’t know how to keep from all this fighting.  I only know one solution, and sadly it’s not me.  I urge you two to get a couples therapist.

 

You’re going to want to find someone who’s unbiased – not a friend or a relative – someone who’ll help you two learn to discuss disagreements in more constructive ways.  Also, most of the time when couples fight, they aren’t just disagreeing about the actual issue at hand, but also about hurt feelings that connect to experiences they each had long ago – which is just what therapists are trained to work with.

 

I don’t know where you live, but if you want to let me know (I’ll keep it secret), I can give you some suggestions to help you find someone.

 

But truly, as helpful a pup as I am, that’s the only suggestion I’ve got.

 

Let me know if I can help with that – or with anything else!

Shirelle

 

0 Should you stay in a relationship that ignores your wishes?

Rash asks: I’ve been in a relationship for the past 2 years with my boyfriend. But we are so different from each other. I like to share some special moments with him like dates, dinner, lunch, movies and all, but he never asks me for this. This makes me soo upset and unhappy in my life. I’m thinking about breaking up because I know he will never change. What should I do?

Hi Rash –

 

 

I think I’m a bit confused.  If you guys don’t have dates, dinners, lunches, or movies together… what exactly is your relationship?  If you’re living together I guess that’s something, but even then it sounds to me like two roommates who don’t really like each other much.

 

So what do you guys do together?  Watch sports?  Take hikes?  Eat breakfast?!

 

If you’ve been saying you want these other things, and he’s not responding, then yeah, this might well be a situation you’ll want to leave behind.  But if you haven’t, then that’s my main suggestion – to tell him what you’re feeling’s wrong, what’s missing, etc.

 

The important thing here is to look at this relationship as clearly as you can, and ask yourself what is it you need, and if he’s willing or able to give that.  And if the answer’s no, it sounds like you owe it to yourself to get free and find someone who likes the things you do.

Best of luck!

Shirelle