Category Archives for "Questions"

0 How to make a relationship work after losing a child

Positivevibes asks: The last 2 years have been a rollercoaster for me and my partner. We have been together for 3 years. All started off well – he has a 9-year-old son, and after we met I soon fell pregnant with our daughter. We found out she had a heart condition that was serious and affected her daily life. In the first 3 months of her life I ended up with postnatal depression as I found things difficult, and me and my daughter went in to a mother and baby unit. After I got better we soon settled in to being back home all together. Then when she was 8 months, my partner became unwell with bowel cancer. And when our daughter was one she went in for open heart surgery and was touch-and-go for 3 months. Remarkably she pulled through. During this my partner underwent chemo so it was a heart breaking time for all of us. In March they both were on the mend and things settled. But by this time, my partner and I were hardly ever intimate. Then, in September, our daughter died. We are both struggling with this. I do understand that his feelings are all over the place, but we have not been intimate for months. He only cuddles me when we sleep, we barely talk, and he only says “I love you” if I say it to him. I have tried so many times to talk to him about it all, but he won’t talk. He just says he does not know what’s going on with him and shrugs. Every time I ask him I feel like we end up in an argument. I am really struggling. I have been trying to lay off the subject as I feel like it’s pushing him further away, but I’m so lonely and I am an affectionate person – I need to feel loved; instead I feel so lonely – and it’s also making me feel unattractive (I have put on weight and I don’t look the same as I did when we met). I end up crying myself to sleep most nights. We are in desperate need of help. I just don’t know what to do any more. I can’t lose him as well.

Hi Positivevibes –

Normally, we dogs look at you humans as lucky.  You can drive around, you can shop at grocery stores, you can play video games… but your story reminds me that a human can go through tragedies that make us sound like the lucky ones.

Of course everything else you’ve dealt with sounds bearable to me; it’s the loss of your baby daughter that breaks my heart.  I know that’s a wound that can never be healed, for you or for her father.  I’m just so horribly sorry.

The trick, for anyone who’s undergone such a horrific loss, is to Continue reading

0 What to do when you’re in a relationship with someone who loves you but is always rejecting you

Leonardo03 asks: I’m in a relationship in which romance does not exist. I always get rejected by her and I’m so tired of being rejected. I love her so much and she love me too but I want to feel to myself that she can give her all for me.

Hi Leonardo03 –

I’m a little confused by your question, but I find that this sort of confusing relationship exists often between people.

You see, to my doggy brain, it makes no sense that this woman is always rejecting you, but she loves you.  Yet I’ve seen this happen often.

To my eyes, there are two possible things going on.  One is that she loves you, but either doesn’t want what you want in terms of physical intimacy, or wants it but is afraid of it.  In either case, you’re finding her behavior “rejecting,” while to her, she’s just trying to protect herself.

Imagine if you were with a woman who insisted that you eat broccoli, but you hate broccoli.  And every time she offered it to you and you said no, she took it personally.  That would seem ridiculous, wouldn’t it!  Well, maybe, to her, this is that same situation.  She’s shy or nervous or just more prudish than you, but in no way wants to reject you or send you away.  Instead, she really loves you and wants to keep you close to her however she can – but not in a way that feels harmful to her.

If this is the case, then you just simply need to communicate more.  You need to let her know what you’re feeling, and she needs to let you know where she’s at.  Maybe she’s hoping you two marry, and that then she’d be able to give you all of her body and soul.  Maybe she’s waiting to see further signs that you’re committed to her.  Or maybe she just needs a little more time.  In any of these cases, if you’re willing to wait, she’s saying that you’ll get everything you want from her – but not till then.  Are you okay with that?  If so, then relax and give her that time.

But now, there is another case, and I’ve seen this one too.  A man Continue reading

0 Why men may develop breasts (gynecomastia)

Ryan asks: I have gynecomastia, a common problem in many today. I’ve been mocked by my friends, called names and embarrassed all my life. Recently my relationship almost broke up due to this. The girl found out and started to ignore me. I’m unable to work or think about anything else. Please help.

Hi Ryan –

For those who don’t know, gynecomastia is a condition where men develop breasts like women’s.  This is a true medical condition, not the “man-boobs” people jokingly refer to in overweight men.

The good news is that this is fully treatable.  Just as cosmetic surgeons can enlarge or reduce women’s breasts, they can reduce the sizes of yours to give you a normal male chest.  I don’t know where you’re from, or what health insurance will cover where you are, but it’s absolutely fixable, depending on your ability to afford it.

I do have a story about this condition, though.  Which might help you from having them grow back once you’ve had them reduced.

You probably know that there was a culture in the west in the Continue reading

0 How to have both a wife and a girlfriend

Luckyman asks: I got married 9 years ago and we have two children. I have a girlfriend, and she is almost my soulmate. I want badly to live with her. Also I don’t want to lose my wife. I want her for my whole lifetime. I don’t understand why destiny allowed some people to meet, when there’s no way for them to be together I want both of them, but my wife doesn’t accept my girlfriend, and won’t even accept her in our home. I’m struggling like anything. I can’t control my emotions. Please advise me how to make both of them happy and live together.

Hi Luckyman –

I like your choice of a name.  Because you’re right – you are a lucky man. So many men in the world go to sleep alone every night, with no woman wanting them.  And you’ve got two.  Two who sound wonderful.  And what’s great about you is that you realize  they’re both wonderful.

But of course, that also means you’re frustrated, deeply frustrated.  Because you love both, and neither one accepts the idea of you having both.

So what you’re dealing with is the difference between your imagination, which envisions a glorious world where both women are happy to share you, and reality, where neither one is cool with it.

I relate!  I love it when Handsome is totally happy with me and thinks I’m the best thing ever, and I also love jumping onto the table and stealing dinner.  But I can’t have both, I can only have one or the other.  And I have to struggle with that choice.

And you have to struggle with yours.

But again, you have a choice that most guys never get to make!  Whichever choice you make, you’ll have a wonderful woman you love.  (As well as having to hurt the other one badly – I realize)

So my advice to you is to give up on the idea of having both, and instead dive into the very difficult work of choosing between them.  Of weighing the strengths and weaknesses of both, and listening very deeply to your heart, and asking it what it wants.

I wish you could have both.  I also wish I could gobble up a delicious steak every night while Handsome scratches my ears and tells me I’m wonderful.  But I can’t, and neither can you.

So steak or scratching?  Either one’s wonderful – and either one will mean some pain in your heart.

I wish you the best of luck – and the best of decisions!

Shirelle

0 How to deal with gossip about you, even if it’s true

thelittleangel asks: There’s this guy who I’m attracted to, but I don’t know much about him. I’ve been wanting to get to know him, but also, there’s this girl who likes him and thinks I like him and she’s been telling people I like him and she’s been saying bad stuff about me behind my back. My friends think she only is saying this because she thinks I have a thing with him and she’s jealous. In addition, can I have some tips on how to deal with people gossiping about you and your business?

Hi thelittleangel –

Here’s the funny part about being a young human.   You guys are so worried about people talking about you, you don’t realize that it’s actually great!  She’s telling people you like him.  Okay, hopefully he’ll hear about it and think “Hmmm… I hadn’t really noticed her before, but I kind of like being liked by her!”

But now, you also say she’s talking trash about you.  That truly is a problem.

But you have an advantage – you know  that she’s doing it.  So the best thing to do with that is to confront her, ideally right in front of the friends she’s telling it to.  “Hey, I hear you’ve been telling people I have fleas.  Well, here are a bunch of my friends, and they’ve never seen me scratch, even once.  So why are you saying all these lies?”

Can you imagine  how powerful that is?  My guess is that she’ll immediately stop.  After all, the reason to spread that sort of gossip is to gain power, and you’ll have just taken that power right away from her!

And if a bunch of people are gossiping about you?  I’d do the same thing on a bigger level. I know this sounds terrifying, but imagine what would happen if you stood up in the school lunchroom, or at an assembly, and said “People here have been spreading lies about me.  And I wonder if you have the courage to admit it.  Like, who was the one who started telling people I have fleas?!  You don’t have the guts to admit it, do you?  Because you know it’s a lie.  So I’ll leave it to you all to figure out who it was who started it, but just know, they’re not only a liar, they’re a wussy coward too.”

And then sit down, and never bring it up again.  You’ll be amazed how that gossip just disappears.

So I guess what I’m suggesting, in both cases, is for you to find some courage.  The courage to start a conversation with that boy, and the courage to face this girl with the truth.

If you can do these things, you’ll suddenly feel a lot bigger and stronger, which will be amazing.

But don’t worry, you’ll always be thelittleangel to me!

Best of Luck!

Shirelle

0 What to do when your boyfriend or girlfriend is angry at you for not answering a call or text

Deadshot asks: I didn’t pick up my girl’s call. She doesn’t wonna talk to me now. What do I do?

Hi Deadshot –

I realize it might be too late for my answer.  But if it’s not, my answer is…

Give her a little time.

She wants space?  Give it to her.

And one of two things will happen.

First, she might feel “Deadshot has suffered enough, and will answer my call next time, so all’s okay,” and be great with you again.

Or, second, she might keep arguing that you’ve done something horrible.

Now let’s look at this a second.  You didn’t answer your phone when she called?  Why is that such a big deal?  Maybe you were talking to someone, and it would have been rude for you to interrupt them to take the call.  Maybe you were asleep.  Maybe you were busy!

It’s great that she wants your attention, but you’re still a human being.  Hey, even I don’t always come when Handsome calls me, and I’m a dog!  You’ve got the same right everyone else has, to not be at her “beck and call” 24/7.

So if she’s annoyed and feels unappreciated for a few hours, or days, okay.  But if she takes it further, I’d suggest you find another girl, who appreciates you as you are.

And when this last one calls – maybe, just don’t take the call again, ever!

Just my opinion!

Shirelle

0 Should you stay with your boyfriend or girlfriend, or risk another

AmethystJane asks: I am 16 and am dating this guy – let’s call him Mr. A. It’s been almost 2 years and it’s great. But there’s this other guy, Mr. B, who I was in love with for 4 years before dating Mr. A, and Mr. B had feelings for me too All three of us happen to be in the same school and even in the same class. My feelings for B resurfaced sometime back and he was showing interest too. He flirts sometimes and I am afraid I was too soon to move on to A? B had never asked me out or confessed his feelings because he was scared what everyone would say. He confessed his feelings only after I was dating A. I love A but I am having second thoughts. The school year is going to end and there’s a chance that B might ask me out (but I’ll have to be available for that..) Should I risk it?

Hi AmethystJane –

I’m going to give you an answer to your question that might annoy you, so I’ll apologize in advance.

When humans are in their mid-teens, you’re probably the most passionate you’ll ever be.  You guys, when it comes to dating, are like us when it comes to chasing cats!  And like us, when you’re that age, you have no sense of time, in the sense of “there’s always tomorrow.”

And there is.

So when you say that you’re sixteen, and dating a great guy, and wondering if there’s someone else you might like even more, all I want to say is “WOW THAT’S GREAT!  YOU ARE SUCH A LUCKY GIRL!”

I know it doesn’t feel that way right now, that it feels like you have all this stress and worry.  But step back for a second and try this out…

You’re dating a great guy.  But we all know, high-school romances don’t usually last forever.  So it might break up sometime.  Maybe because of a misunderstanding, maybe because one of you just grows in a different direction.

But if this relationship ends, you have someone you’ve wanted, and who’s wanted you, waiting right there, an awesome safety net!

Now, okay, I can imagine you responding, “But what if B gets involved with someone else before A and I break up?  And so I miss my chance with him yet again?!”

Well, that is always a possibility.  But even then, if he’s been interested in you all this time, there’s a really good chance he’ll suddenly find lots of things about his new girlfriend that he doesn’t like all that much – and find you suddenly perfect and available!

But really, my true answer is all about your final question: “Should I risk Continue reading

0 How to change your mentality to be happier

Sravani asks: I want to be alive with happiness, but I can’t because of my mentality. Sometimes it feels like I wanna to die but I can’t.

Hi Sravani –

You’re right.  The only way to be alive with happiness will be to change your mentality.  And there are lots of different suggestions out there on how to do it – and I’m sure most of them are right for different people.  But you wrote me, so I’ll tell you how we dogs do it!

First, look for what’s interesting around you.  There’s always something.  A smell, a sight.

Now, look for what’s beautiful around you.  And if there’s nothing that you see, can you change something to make it beautiful?  Put a picture up, or get a flower?

Now, listen for what’s beautiful or exciting.  And if you can’t pick up anything, put on some music you love.

Now, smell, or better, eat something you really adore.  Super yummy.

And then, sit back and think about all this.  You just experienced so many pleasures.  Things only you enjoy as much as you do.  And try to feel grateful for them. Regardless of what you believe or don’t believe in – just feel some gratitude for having seen a bird, and heard that Cardi B song, and tasted a pomegranate!

Now, do that as often as you possibly can.

And what you’ll begin to experience, as your mind (literally, the workings of your brain) changes, is the realization that there’s always beauty and excitement around.  Even when things really stink.

And the more you pursue these, and the more you share them with others, the happier your days will be.

Now sure, there’s a lot more to do – there’s growth and dealing with old pains and there’s learning and there’s passion.  But right now, I just want some simple basic joys.

I think you’ll find it works.  It does for my whole species!

All my best,

Shirelle

0 How to keep a long-distance romance from breaking up

idk asks: I have been in a relationship with a girl for almost 2 years now, but for the last 2 months she has been acting weird. She blocked me on Instagram and other places, completely disconnected herself from me without any reason. She used to say that our relationship will never work out because of this and that, she says she knows that we won’t be together in the future. How do I convince her that I will be there for her whatever the situation is? I’ve tried telling her but she is a bit stubborn. Yesterday she unblocked me and we spoke, but she told me this isn’t going too far this time. I know that she wants me too. Another reason is that I had to move to my home country a few months back (for some personal reasons) away from her. How do I convince her that I will be there for her? How do I make her believe that we will be together? It hurts, you know!

Hi idk –

Through the first part of your letter, I was thinking “It sounds like she’s not interested, and I don’t know why idk would be interested in her either!”  But then you got to the move.  And suddenly it made a lot more sense.

You see, you’re saying “I’ll always be there for you,” but, I imagine, to her mind, you’re not there right now.  And she has no idea when you will be.

Long-distance relationships are hard.  And of course, only humans have them – it doesn’t matter how much I love a dog; if we’re separated by a long distance, we have no way to communicate, so there is no relationship going on at all!  But even you humans can only communicate with more artificial means (writing, phoning, even video-phoning – it’s just not the same as being there!).

So I’d suggest two things – at the same time.  One is for you to Continue reading

0 How to choose between two abusive boyfriends

Jingle_jangle asks: I’m a 17 year-old girl. Once I was very confident and self-dependent, but last year I was cheated on by my boyfriend and ended my 3 year relationship. It affected me so much it broke my heart. After that I met a boy and now we have been together a year. He loves me so much but I can’t forget my past and my ex. My relationship with my boyfriend is not in a great state. I try to make things right but I can’t. First I thought he was a great guy but I don’t think now . He abuses me, humiliates me about my past, and he doesn’t understand me. After so many fights and humiliations, the feelings are deteriorating . I don’t want to end my relationship with him but i also want to get my self-respect back .I don’t have friends so I don’t have anyone to talk to and get advice. Please help me!

Hi Jingle_jangle –

I often get questions where someone is trying to choose between two romances – one who’s kind and supportive, and one who’s not as nice, but more exciting.  That’s a tough decision!

But you’re in a different situation.  You’ve got two guys, both who have been jerkish to you in some ways.  The first one cheated on you, and the current one’s abusive and humiliating.

I want you to form a new romance.  I want you to fall in love with someone way better…  I want you to fall in love with Continue reading