How to keep a long-distance romance from breaking up

idk asks: I have been in a relationship with a girl for almost 2 years now, but for the last 2 months she has been acting weird. She blocked me on Instagram and other places, completely disconnected herself from me without any reason. She used to say that our relationship will never work out because of this and that, she says she knows that we won’t be together in the future. How do I convince her that I will be there for her whatever the situation is? I’ve tried telling her but she is a bit stubborn. Yesterday she unblocked me and we spoke, but she told me this isn’t going too far this time. I know that she wants me too. Another reason is that I had to move to my home country a few months back (for some personal reasons) away from her. How do I convince her that I will be there for her? How do I make her believe that we will be together? It hurts, you know!

Hi idk –


Through the first part of your letter, I was thinking “It sounds like she’s not interested, and I don’t know why idk would be interested in her either!”  But then you got to the move.  And suddenly it made a lot more sense.


You see, you’re saying “I’ll always be there for you,” but, I imagine, to her mind, you’re not there right now.  And she has no idea when you will be.


Long-distance relationships are hard.  And of course, only humans have them – it doesn’t matter how much I love a dog; if we’re separated by a long distance, we have no way to communicate, so there is no relationship going on at all!  But even you humans can only communicate with more artificial means (writing, phoning, even video-phoning – it’s just not the same as being there!).


So I’d suggest two things – at the same time.  One is for you to grant her the room she wants: if she says things won’t go far, tell her that’s okay.  (How far can things go when you’re in different countries anyway?!)  And even if she needs to pull away enough that she, say, dates other people – that you should still support her in what she needs to do.


But at the same time, you can pursue her to find out what she’d like from you.  Do you know when you’ll be able to go back to where she is – or can you bring her out to you?  Have you asked her what she’s unhappy with about your relationship, and would even if you were in the same place?  And what is it that makes her sure your relationship couldn’t last?  Is there a literal reason (different religions, her family does arranged marriages), or is it just that she doesn’t see it lasting?  And is there anything you can do with these answers that might change her mind?


At the moment, I imagine she’s feeling forced into an empty life – you’re wanting her to commit to someone who’s not there and she sees no future with.  So it makes sense to me that she’s trying to put some blocks on your relationship, to protect herself.


But if you can switch all that around – if you can let her feel free to live her life, but also see what you can do to make yourself more appealing and attractive to her… then suddenly you’ll move from being a hindrance to being her ideal!


Again, I don’t know her mind, and she may have some reasons that are just too big to overcome (Some people are allergic to dog hair.  No matter how wonderful I am to them, they’d never want to take me home!).  But if not, I think treating her this way would help a lot.


Wishing you the very best of luck,


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