Category Archives for "Featured Questions"

0 How to tell if a new romance is a liar or tells the truth

Wazenga asks: Hi, I met this guy on a dating site, and we’ve been chatting for a couple of months. He broke up with his wife before they got married, and I am divorced. So although we’ve never met, we communicate very early every morning , tea time or lunch time, before we go home, when we got home, talk about what we going to eat, he likes to ask me what must he cook for his evening. He works at the United Nations, always calling me when he gets to work, if he’s not in the meetings… We sometimes fight like any other relationships, but he will call and apologize and tell me that he doesn’t wanna lose me not now or ever. Then he told me that he wants us to take it easy… So do you think I can trust him? And on the day we meet, what/which questions must I ask him in other to be on the right side of this relationship, since I also feel that I do love him so much?

Hi Wazenga –

United Nations?! Wow!! That is COOL!

But I’ll try to take the stars out of my eyes and focus on your real question – which is what to do when you meet someone you’ve created a relationship with online.

Ah, you humans! You make everything so complicated!   We dogs never start relationships online – we always base them on sniffing! And smell tells us a great deal – about mood, history, and even someone’s diet! I’m so sorry for you folks stuck with just words and images! (After all, even those pack members who’ve been here for years don’t know what I smell like – and I’m YUMMY!)

So I think you have one biggest question of all to answer, which is (I hate to say it, but) whether everything he’s told you is true. Can he show you where he works? Introduce you to his friends, or family? And can you do the same for him? (Have to admit, I don’t quite understand that thing of breaking up with his wife before they married – how is that possible?)

Humans, unlike dogs, can lie. And there’s no way you two will be able to trust the other enough for a real romance until you are both sure of who the other is.

So I’d start there. But of course, neither of you will be able to prove yourselves at that first meeting. So I’d suggest you make plans for some time to do all that proving, but then, when you do first meet… I’d say to soak each other up. See what he looks like in 3-D, in person! Listen to his voice! Feel the touch of his hand. And yes, smell him. While you humans are way more thought-centered than we are, you still have gut instincts that can tell you a lot from that actual meeting.

And then? I’d say to talk about everything you haven’t talked about yet! Music, movies, your favorite colors, whatever!

THIS IS SO EXCITING! Anything you talk about will be amazing!

Please let me know how it goes!

Here’s Hoping it’s even better than you imagine!

Shirelle

0 What to do when someone you’re interested in wants to hold off on a relationship till has have a job

sassy_tango_tree_ asks: I have feelings for this guy. And he admitted he likes me too. But he told me he doesn’t want a relationship until he has a job. That was okay between us. But then this guy acted distant and I am confused.

Hi sassy_tango_tree_ –

Of course, I don’t know anything about this guy, but your question sounds to me like he’s being pretty straight-forward with you.  He said he likes you but he’s not up for a relationship yet, and then he pulled away a bit.  That makes sense to me.

But I’ll add something else.  I will never forget a very tough couple of years when my human, Handsome, was struggling to find work.  He was frustrated, unhappy, and felt just awful about himself.  And that even led to him caring less about me, finding my enthusiasm and affection (which he normally LOVES) kind of annoying.  It was, for me, the worst time we ever had together.  Very very painful.

But once he changed careers, and things started to go his way, he got much happier, and started valuing me more and treating me better.

You see, he’d never stopped loving me.  But he was in a depression, which meant he couldn’t show and feel his love the way he had before.

And I’m wondering if this guy is in the same shape.

If so, then my advice is to be the best friend he has.  Be the one who’s always supportive, who encourages him when the whole world tells him No.  And if so, when things get better for him (and I’m sure they will), he’ll value you the way Handsome valued me.  And then all that liking he already had for you can explode into what you’ll really deserve.

Which is what I get from Handsome every day:  LOVE.

Best of luck to both of you!

Shirelle

0 What to do with someone who flirts with you and rejects you at the same time?

IntoNothingness asks: There is this senior guy at my high school who was looking for a girlfriend. We have a mutual friend who suggested that he could talk to me and that I was single. So we started talking. We became really close. He even told my friend that he was interested in me and if she could help him ask me out. I also liked him and we both kept dropping hints that we were attracted towards each other. I don’t know how or what happened, but suddenly this guy shuts me out of his life and I come to know that he has a girlfriend. After some time we started talking again and I tried to be a really good friend. He told me every personal detail like a very close person in his life. We talked and flirted on a daily basis but I kept it friendly as he had a girlfriend. He started dropping hints again and then out of the blue breaks up with his girl. Sometime after this, we had a friendly/romantic meet up at my place and he kept being like “you are single and now that I am single, you know…” His hints were very obvious and I really thought that he was interested. Day before yesterday, we were talking and he was being very flirty and the way I was talking anyone could have guessed that I might ask him out and he was also encouraging the conversation. I asked him out and he went completely blank. He literally told me that he liked me a lot but not like that. We were so close and comfortable with each other but things just became awkward. I am fine with the fact that he does not like me like that but what hurts me is that he never felt anything and still reciprocated every feeling and also gave hints. I would have been very happy had he honestly told me that he never felt anything for me rather than fake reciprocating and that we could only be friends. I invested a lot in our friendship and he didn’t even care about our friendship and let things become awkward between us. Our friendship was really special for me and after our embarrassing “asking out moment” I was the one who tried giving it another shot. But now I feel like I shouldn’t have. Am I portraying myself too available or desperate or vulnerable to this guy? Is giving our friendship another shot wrong? What is the mindset of the guy – like why did he do this? Why did he give hints and talk like that when he clearly felt nothing? Was our friendship also fake?

Hi IntoNothingness –

Okay, so I am completely confused.  Just as I’m sure you are!

So this guy told his friend he was interested in you, then started dating another girl, then broke up with her and flirted with you, talking about how you were both available, but then, once you asked him out, said he wasn’t interested in you.

So I see two possibilities here.  And either or both are possible.  First, he’s just playing with you, completely aware that he’s toying with your affections, which for some reason seems like a good idea to him.  Or, second, you’ve been misinterpreting him a lot.

Now you ask a bunch of questions – about whether you were too “available” or not, about whether it would be right or wrong to push for that friendship to continue, about what his feelings are.

But I’m going to suggest that you put all those questions aside for a moment, and instead ask yourself one giant question: given the way things are now, what do YOU want?

You see, it’s like when I was in the pound.  All we pups cared about was someone wanting us enough to get us out of there.   I lucked out and got a wonderful human; others got less-great ones, and of course some others didn’t make it out at all.

But you aren’t in that situation.  You’ll live through this, no matter what.  So while it’s interesting to wonder what he’s thinking, or if you could have done a better job of playing the romance game, the truth is that this guy has made it clear he’s not interested in you, while you’re interested in him.  And there’s a really good chance he’s been playing with your feelings.

So, if you liked yourself as much as I like you (and all my pack members), what would you do?  Would you maybe give this guy some space and see what he does?  Or maybe tell him off?  Or maybe look for a boyfriend somewhere else, and then, once you have one, see if you still want to be friends?

You see, all of those get back to the question of what YOU want.  And letting him deal with his odd feelings himself.  And I like that.

And what if you say “But he’s the only person I’m interested in, and I want to try to make it work with him any way I can?”  Well, then I’ll cheer you on.

But even if you do decide that, I’ll hope that you can keep yourself from saying his feelings matter as much as, or more than, yours.  Sure, his feelings matter.  But yours have to matter more.

They sure do to me.

Whatever you choose, BEST OF LUCK!

Shirelle

0 What to do when someone who’s in a relationship flirts with you.

Power asks: There is a girl that I have not met, but we talk, we chat, and she promised to visit me at my place and stay for a couple of days. But she has a boyfriend and she loves him, but also feels some affection for me – and as for me I do love her. I decided to let it go and told her. Its over but she doesn’t want it to end. What should I do?

Hi Power –

You’re in a funny situation.  Usually, when someone is being “two-timed,” the other person is keeping it a secret from them.  But this girl is being open about it with you.  I like that.  But there’s one thing I don’t know – is she also being open about you with her boyfriend?

And that question worries me.

See, if she’s telling him as well, then all is equal, and all is fine.  But if she’s not, then you are being kept “on the side,” while her main relationship is with him.  Which would be fine if you were treating her the same way, but you’re clearly way more interested in her.

Now none of this is a real problem, yet, as you two have never even met in person yet.  But if you did, what would you do?  Would you start to see her “on the side,” out of her boyfriend’s sight?  Because that can become really humiliating for you (or dangerous, if he finds out and gets jealous!).

So look, I relate.  My human Handsome has girlfriends, and while they’re together I’m a bit less important to him.  But he always comes back to me, and he never pretends I don’t exist or that he doesn’t love me like crazy.  Otherwise I couldn’t stand it.  So I just want to make sure you’re being treated okay.

So again, for now, I don’t see any problem.  And if she ends up breaking up with that guy and you two become an item, that’s fantastic.  But I do caution you against becoming something secret and ‘convenient’ for her, in person.  The chance of your heart being shattered is just too high.

Wishing you all the best luck with this!

Shirelle

0 Should a young person pursue wild dreams or follow a practical path?

Lil Chen asks: We only live once and I don’t want to live my life knowing that I wasn’t able to pursue my goals. Recently, I went to the guidance counselor today and teared up thinking how much I wasted my years. I had this principle or value that I should focus more on the present but now that I think about it, the present is like only for fun, or something like that. It’s important but the future also matters. It’s what sets you for life. I don’t know what course to take in college and when they (guidance counselor) asked me what my interests were, all I could think of was KPOP/Entertainer/Singer/Comedian/Artist. But to be honest, that’s what I want. I didn’t want to share it in fear that they will mock me or something. I asked them though that if I wanted to pursue my interest but lack in talent, was it ok or reachable, and they said yes which gave me hope and some motivation. I was an honor student in Grade 11 but now I lost my motivation to study or do things, which is why I failed to reach the cut off for my STEM (Science, Technology, Engineering and Mathematics) courses, some of them (nursing, engineering, etc.) I slept in the exam and I totally regret it. I think my self-esteem was more wounded when I shared my interest to my friends and they just laughed it off and gave me a lecture about the impossibility of that happening. I don’t know if there are times when they thought I was serious. There are times where they tell me if I become one, I should still remember them but then there are times when they say that it’s impossible. I’m confused whether they support me or not. Face Reality is what they call it, but I believe that if I do try hard enough, I can actually try and do it. That could also be the meaning of Face Reality. As long as I am motivated and really want to do it then I can achieve it. Before I used to be really quiet, as in winning the “My Lips Are Sealed Award” in 6th grade for being silent since 3rd grade, and my silence continued till 2nd year or 8th grade. I decided that I wanted to change, so I did and became this talkative and somewhat class clown (girl ver.) in class. Due to that, a lot of people don’t take me seriously and since I want to make friends and don’t really wanna hurt our relationship, I contain my anger and I don’t usually have that kind of emotional or dramatic kind of life anymore. Laugh and smile! So I don’t know how to console people who have problems anymore. I don’t know what to say or if what I’m saying is right. But lately, I keep weeping to myself about life and just about everything. Life is hard but I keep holding on to the saying that if I try hard enough, I can do anything in life. For now, I plan to retake the test so I can have more options (nursing, engineering, etc.) or take exams from different schools (though I don’t want to transfer schools). My backup course is either nursing, architect or International Languages. I tried to repeat it to my friends and family about planning to save up money to go to Korea next year and join voice lessons this summer and keep practicing and also learning Korean on my own. That way I will be able to audition for agencies next year. I don’t think they took me seriously, and I’m not much of a serious talker, so I guess thanks to that I get hurt when they say bad things and encouraged when they say good stuff. Another problem is the age requirement to become an ‘idol.’ They take teens mostly and I’m already 18. If I go to Korea, I’ll be 21. They do still accept early 20’s but its kind of risky especially since I’m a foreigner. Which is why I wished to go back 5 years more so I can actually be more prepared, but I realized what I wanted too late. When I was a quiet person, I was more of “This is impossible” and stuff like that but I changed and I like this change (a little too much). So it will be a slim chance that they accept me as a trainee with my age and all the more I only went back to voice lessons this year while learning Korean all by myself. Another requirement is dancing, and since I want to save money, I want to teach myself, but I also want to get a teacher. Life is hard I know, but I also know that if I have faith and hope, we can achieve what we want in life. I’m also scared to talk to my parents about it cuz last time I told my dad I wanted to be a singer, he laughed at me and asked how can I become one if I don’t practice. I wanted to pursue voice lessons back then again (I took voice lessons before) but I was sad that he didn’t really encourage me to go on. I asked my mom about what I should do with my life and she told me that it’s up to me. I don’t know what’d she do if I tell her I wanna be an artist, and I’m scared of her response. I rely too much on my external motivation and our teacher told us that our internal motivations are more powerful so I want to change that. Am I making the right decision? Or are there more ways to help me fuel my motivation?

Hi Lil Chen –

When you wrote me a couple of years ago, you talked about having a bunch of goals, and struggling to figure out which to pursue.  And what saddens me in your letter is that it sounds to me like you didn’t really pursue the one you wanted the most, but instead absorbed a lot of negativity from people around you.

Here’s the truth: making it as a performer is hard, and rare.  It takes real commitment.  Talent’s great, but commitment is more important.  And you need to loooooooove what you do.

So, right now, I know that you would love to be a KPOP star, but I don’t know how much you love singing or dancing.  And I don’t know because you don’t.  I promise you, Adele was told for years that she didn’t have the looks to be a singing star, Taylor Swift was told she was too young and should focus on her schoolwork… and Psy was told he didn’t look anything like a dancer!

So I’m going to agree with you.  That it would have been better for you to try these things when you were younger, but it’s not too late.  But my friend, this is the time to jump in.  Sure, pass those exams (it’s always great to have a fallback, and even big stars like Emma Watson and Natalie Portman took time off their careers to get university degrees).  But most importantly, START SINGING!  Sing every day.  Take lessons if you can, but sing LOTS. And start dancing.  Imitate the dancers you like best and try to match their moves.  Then, if you can get lessons, all the better.

And if you do this, one of two things will happen.  Either doing this singing and dancing will fill your heart with joy and excitement, and you’ll be ready to devote yourself to them… or it won’t.  And either way, you’ll have learned what you truly feel.

When I wrote you before, I told you I loved chasing squirrels, whether I caught them or not.  The world is full of people who love to sing and dance but didn’t become stars.  Find out if you’re one of them, first.  And if you are, THEN devote yourself to trying for stardom.  And you’ll have no bigger supporter than this pup!

And if you find you don’t love doing those things… oh, you’ll just have to suffer with being (from what I can see) quite brilliant and becoming a great success who might change the world!

STOP WAITING!  THE TIME IS NOW!

All my best,

Shirelle

0 Should people start to date each other before they move apart?

Wooff asks: There was this guy I liked intensely, but things didn’t work out because we were kids and we both made dumb decisions. Long story short, I kept regretting not talking to him and it’s already been 4 years. And I still like him, kind of. So I heard from a friend that he’s leaving the country, so I decided to just do it. Knock him and tell him that I’m sorry for everything. Sorry for acting like it was one-sided and to let him know that the feelings were always genuine. He told me that it’s okay and we’re on friendly terms. He also told me that it’s funny how, even if the feelings are just apologetic, they’re the same after so many years. But with all that being said, he plans to leave the country and so do I. So getting involved would be dumb, right? It was so fun talking to him, but he gets on very late because of school and I sleep early so it doesn’t really work. I kind of got annoyed when he knocked me late at night and I was sleepy, so I said I’m going to sleep and went off. It was mean but I was hurt, kind of. I understand but also it’s hard. So anywho, he got on for the rest of the week and didn’t knock, I think he was expecting me to. I didn’t, and the patterns keep repeating. It’s pathetic. And now he doesn’t get on at all. My question to you: what do you make of all this, and would it be dumb to get involved? Meanwhile, I was talking to this guy before I talked to the 1st guy, let’s call him Sam. And we were friends but we kind of hit it off and I like this guy but he has a bad reputation. But his story is different, and I honestly don’t know what to believe. So I want to continue just talking and being friends. There’s no point in hurting myself for no reason at all. Right? He’s known as a player but he’s also very quiet so I’m just confused. He’s super-shy so I don’t understand how that works, but also he wooed me in via chat so who knows? What do you suppose I do?

Hi Wooff –

My dear, I’m going to give you an answer that isn’t exactly what you asked, but I think it’s the truth.

I have this friend named Aria.  She’s a very nervous dog, nowhere near as friendly and enthusiastic as I am.  She came from a bad background, and never even learned to play when she was a puppy.  So when her human gave her some toys, she didn’t know how to chase them or pull on them, or rip their insides out, the way I like to do!  But instead, over time, she sort of adopted one.  It’s a little lamb toy, and she likes to just carry it with her when she goes inside or outside.  She then doesn’t do anything with it, just lies by it.

Why?  Because it makes her feel comfortable.  She feels less alone, naked, vulnerable.

And I find that humans, especially when they’re about to move away from home for the first time, often do the same sort of thing.  They’ll suddenly care about childhood toys in a way they hadn’t for years.  Or they’ll suddenly decide they’re great friends with people at school they never really cared about before.

None of these are bad things, of course.  It’s just that I’d tell them to, instead, focus on what really matters.  Spending time with those family and friends who have meant a lot to them.  In order to ensure that those relationships continue after everyone’s moved away.

But one other thing I’ll see people do is to get romantically involved with someone at home.  Right before they’re about to leave and meet hundreds of new people – people who will then be near them and available for hanging out and doing fun stuff with.

Why?  Because, just like Aria and the lamb, they think they’ll feel more comfortable, less vulnerable and alone, when they’re in that new setting.

And here’s my harsh statement, Wooff – it doesn’t work.  The people still feel nervous and alone, even if they have a boyfriend or girlfriend somewhere else.  And then, over time, they get more comfortable with those new people, and almost always (not absolutely always – but almost always) they end up breaking up with that person from home.  Because moving away has changed them each.

So my advice is to Continue reading

0 How much should you allow another person to demand when you’re first dating?

Wise asks: I’m dating someone online and I get to see him only when I’m in school cause he lives close to there. Everything was perfect until now, he’s always telling me to be more romantic and show him my revealing pictures but I don’t feel comfortable doing it – yet he doesn’t want to understand me. And he’s dating someone else but he said he doesn’t like that one, he likes me. But doesn’t want to break up with her. And we’ve only been dating for 2 weeks. Now I think I like someone else because I’m tired of the way things are going with my boyfriend. What do I do because I’m so confused?

Hi Wise –

Wow this sounds really difficult.  It’s cool that you met a boy near your school online, and things started off good, but I don’t like him asking you to send you revealing pictures (those can get into the wrong hands, or onto social media, SO easily!) – and two weeks is a bit soon to be demanding you get more romantic.  ESPECIALLY when he’s got another girlfriend!

So unless that other girl knows about you (and I’m betting she doesn’t), that means whatever relationship he has with you is CHEATING on her.  And that’s not fair to either of you.

Now here’s the funny part: usually when someone’s in a strange situation with a new romance, they feel desperate because there’s no one else available.  But in your case, there IS someone else you’re interested in.  Which is just great!  Because that gives you a simple and honest negotiating tool.

You see, what I want is for you to Continue reading

0 How to set new rules in a relationship.

Guptaaa_ asks: See, my problem is with my boyfriend. I have been crushing on him continuously for the last 4.5 years, and then last year we came into a relationship. In that relationship he ditched me and left me. Now after the last few months apart he came back to me a few days ago. It seemed like he is serious, but now it doesn’t look that way. Tell me? What do I do now?

Hi Guptaa –

Wow this sounds really difficult.  The first part of your story sounds wonderful and romantic – you have this long crush on a guy and then you two actually get together.  It’s the perfect love story.  But now he’s leaving you, coming back, acting serious, acting not serious… this is like those experiments where they teach dogs to expect a piece of food every time they push a button, and then stop giving them food when they push the button, or give them food when they don’t push the button, and the dogs go mad.  (And by that I don’t mean they get angry, I mean they go stark raving nuts!)

So my goal here isn’t to get you two together, or to get you to leave him – it’s to keep you from foaming at the mouth and running around your town biting random children!!!

The only way I can think of to protect you is for you to Continue reading

0 How to sincerely apologize.

rohit1996 asks: Some days ago I did a mistake. In anger I insulted a girl who is my friend. My behaviour was the worst. We have not talked for long time. Now I feel guilty. I want to tell her I’m sorry. But she is out of town for a long time. I want to talk her about my mistake, but I can’t call her because I think she doesn’t want to talk with me. I am afraid for if she will not talk with me then I can’t do anything. Please give me a solution. I felt very sorry for that moment. but at that time situation is not in my control. I want to apologize for my behaviour in front of her. So plz help me. It’s a long time since we’ve talked. Now I can’t face her.

Hi rohit1996 –

So this is going to sound weird, but you’re actually in a very good place for this.

What I mean is that, very often, people get into arguments and insult each other, and feel they’re each completely right. In this case, you know you were wrong to do it, so there’s no disagreement there. You just have to convince her of two things: first, that you know what you did wrong and are sorry; and second, that she’s safe trusting that you won’t do it again.

The second takes time. The first just requires the simple thing you’re trying to do: getting her to hear you. And for that, I have a few suggestions:

• You might be right that she won’t talk to you. But this is 2018, and there are lots more ways to get in touch with her than ever before. If you text her, and your text begins “I am so sorry,” even if she wants to ignore it she’ll have seen those words. But you can also write her on social media (but in a private way; don’t embarrass both of yourselves by posting it publicly), or in an email, or you can leave a phone message. In fact, maybe you could do ALL of these – so she really gets the message that you care.
• You could write her an “old school” letter. Yeah, the kind on paper, that you mail with a stamp on it. Why? Well, hardly anyone does that anymore. So it seems more official, more serious, more permanent.
• When you get the chance to see her in person, don’t hold back. Just walk right up to her and apologize. Even if you’ve already connected, it makes it clear that you’re going to regret that insult as long as you live. My friend Handsome made an awful mistake a few years ago that he apologizes to a couple of people for still, and plans to for the rest of his life. It’s not that they haven’t moved on and forgiven him; it’s that he can’t forgive himself. And he wants them to know that.
• Whatever you say, MEAN IT. What you wrote me really speaks your pain. Let her hear it too. We dogs don’t apologize much, but when we do, oh man do we let it out – we lick, we run in circles, we howl, we whimper, we jump up – ANYTHING to say how much we feel. So let those feelings out. It will be impossible for her not to notice.

Okay, rohit1996 – those are my suggestions. But there’s, of course, one possibility remaining. That she might refuse all of them. She might be so angry, or so hurt, or so afraid, that she simply can’t let you back in. If so, that’s just awful, and you can certainly keep trying. But it might be a situation where you have to move on, and kind of give up on her. That’d be the worst, but if that happens, you both can live better lives than you would if she just keeps having to avoid you for years.

So try to reach her. Try as hard as you can. And most likely it will work. But even if it doesn’t, you’ll know that you did the best you could.

And I’ll bet you’ll remember never to blow up like that again. And for that alone, this will have been a great learning experience, and make the rest of your life a better one for you and for everyone you know.

GOOD LUCK!

Shirelle

0 How to pursue someone who’s studying all the time.

Nymeria asks: I met a girl a few months ago, she’s sweet, beautiful, smart, she’s perfect to me. We used to talk a lot, but everything changed in an instant. She always told me she’s been studying for her board exam, and this was her only reason for not replying back to me. And I was thinking, could it really be the only reason why she doesn’t talk to me anymore? I don’t know what I should do.

Hi Nymeria –

There’s a lot I don’t know from your question.  How long has it been since she stopped replying?  How long had you two been talking before that?  And, maybe biggest of all, when was/is that exam?

Of course, anything is possible, but I can’t help but have one thought, based on my own experience.  My human friend Handsome had to take some board exams a few years ago, and assumed he’d pass them pretty easily.  And when he turned out to fail one of them – without any idea of why – he flipped right out!  He got depressed, went through a period of shock, had to try to figure his whole life out… and eventually was fine.

So is it possible this girl did take that exam, and failed it, and has withdrawn from the human race for a while – including from you?

Again, I’m not sure if that’s it.  But it sure would explain her sudden shift.

In the meantime, the best I can suggest for you to do is to reach out to her just enough that she can’t possibly think you’re not reaching out to her.  And then, if she’s still not responding, to give her the space that she seems to be asking for.

And if something’s just gone wrong, and she’s interested in still talking with you, then she’ll show up soon enough.

And if it’s something else – if she’s interested in another person, or decided she wants to change her whole life around, or whatever…  then you’ll have already moved on, and will be able to find someone else, who responds more, and appreciates you the way you deserve to be appreciated.

All my best,

Shirelle