Category Archives for "Adults"

0 How to react when it seems like everyone is ignoring or rejecting you

Cupcake11 asks: There’s more to the story I told you before. It all started when my best friend didn’t tell me that she was gonna break up with her boyfriend. She told me when I questioned her, and what hurt me was that she had considered my opinion which I had stated months ago and didn’t even find the need to ask me once about what exactly I meant. Instead she listened to her other best friend who had betrayed her once. It broke my heart to hear that. And then 3 days later, I found out that she patched up with her boyfriend. Her getting influenced by that best friend of hers made me mad, and she tried convincing me – and in the end I did get convinced, thinking that she would give up on me and leave me. Now when things went wrong in my family, when my brother didn’t support me – even when I was right he supported his girlfriend and my uncle has been demotivating me by calling me ugly fat and useless and says I can’t do anything in life – when I got frustrated I thought of reaching out to my best friend, but she was sending one word replies or emoticons (which upset me because I was in a very emotionally vulnerable state) and 2 days later she texted “I’m sick I can’t talk to u over the phone,” and she started asking me questions instead, like if my uncle was seriously saying that and how I should tell my brother to take a stand for me, but she didn’t send a single comforting message. I felt very bad and decided not to tell her anything, and instead just formally talk to her. Please tell me what to do. She is a bit conservative, but whenever she needed me I was always by her side comforting her, and now when I needed her the most she wasn’t there.

Hi Cupcake11 –

Yes, this is TOUGH!  So much at once, all seeming to express the same thing – that you can’t trust at all.

And yes, we ALL have times like that, when the world is just plain weird, and we feel just that alone.  (Well, except for what your uncle said to you.  That bothers me a lot.  I wish I could come over and bite him so hard I rip the seat of his pants out, so you can then say to him “Well it looks like you’re fat and ugly and useless, and it looks like you can’t do anything in life – you can’t even sit down, jerk!”)

But the worst thing about going through these times is that we end up over-sensitized, to where we expect the worst, and see everything in a bad way.

So I’m not saying that you shouldn’t be upset about all these people not being there for you.  But I do want you to try thinking the complete opposite way.

And that might be difficult!

So, for example, what if you thought, “Hmm… my best friend had a good reason to think that her ex-bestie would know more about her problem with her boyfriend than I would, and hoped that talking about him would improve their relationship.”  Might that feel a bit better?  And “My brother is scared that if he doesn’t support his girlfriend she’ll leave him, so he had to put on a show for her, even though he knows I’m right.”  Or “My best friend is so ill she can’t even text full sentences, and doesn’t even have it in her to support me right now.”

Now none of these is going to feel great.  But what they all can do is shift you from seeing each of these situations as being about something negative toward you.

And I’ll throw in myself too.  You wrote me this letter, but then wrote me again when I didn’t get back to you for a day. Normally it can take up to a week for me to respond to letters from pack members, and yesterday was even more odd because Handsome’s phone broke down and everything went crazy around here.  So, truly, my not getting back to you had nothing to do with how much I care about you.

But I’m not saying you were wrong to feel sad about not hearing from me.  Sure, just the way I feel sad when Handsome’s not home (or he’s all frustrated about his busted phone!).

We each want to feel important, and there are times when stuff is going on in so many of the lives of those we love that we feel like we’re always lower priority.  But that doesn’t mean that those people don’t care about us, and love us, and want the best for us.  It’s just that they have other things (like romances and illnesses and busted phones) that they have to pay attention to first.

And of course, you will have times you do the same.  A friend calls you when you’re cramming for an exam, or when you’re at a family event, and you just can’t be there for them in the way you’d most like to.

A big part of loving someone is accepting them completely.  Which includes the parts of them that can’t be there for you.  I have learned to love Handsome when he’s working, when he’s on a date, when he’s watching a movie.  Now I’ll admit, I’m a lot happier with him when he’s playing catch with me or kissing my tummy or throwing treats my way.  But as frustrating as it is, I have learned to love and accept and trust him the rest of the time too.

If there’s a lesson in this rough time for you, it sounds like you’re getting that same lesson right now.  And it’s a good one – you won’t believe how much happier you’ll be once you’ve grasped it!

Big face-licks,

Shirelle

ps: Though I’m still not cool with what your uncle said.  Maybe there’s a way for you to love him still, but I’d have to know more to encourage it.  For now, I’d just work on accepting and loving all the rest of these people.  And maybe avoiding him when you can.  Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrr…

0 Falling for someone who’s helping you through recovery

wxyz asks – I can’t get a girl. In the beginning of college, I became addicted to meth. This burden took away everything from me. Distanced me from society, friends, family. Finally I realized, I was trying to give up. Fighting alone with myself, nobody to support. I stopped going to college. Everyone there mocking me, ignoring me. Then sitting in the dark, I got her, got a person to talk. She became my rehabilitation. Yes! I am rehabilitating, but also to make myself up to her. Going to classes, trying to study, trying to come back. She is there always from long distance, watching me in college: what I am doing, where I am going, am I smoking and also am I eye-contacting with her or not. Can I hear something from you for me and her? Yes, I remember you saying to remind myself that she’s not mine. Can I say that I am hers?

Hi wxyz –

May I start by saying… WOW!  I am so impressed!  I’ve never had crystal methamphetamine, what’s commonly called meth (I’m such a hyper pup, Handsome won’t even allow me to taste coffee!), but from what I hear it’s one of the most addictive substances ever invented.  So the fact that you’re rehabilitating… I can only bow to you and say GOOD JOB – KEEP IT UP!!!

I only know a little bit about what people go through when they try to get over an addiction, but one rule I’ve often heard is that they shouldn’t get into a new romantic relationship too soon – that the work they’re doing to get over the drug is too difficult for them to also handle the difficulties of a new love.

So I’m going to give you a strong suggestion.  I say you should Continue reading

0 How to react when someone a boyfriend or girlfriend gets close fast and then cuts you off fast

rohit1996 asks: Two weeks ago I started relationship with a girl. We talked everyday with messages and calls. I shared all my secrets with her, and she was also very friendly with me. But suddenly, I don’t know how, she stopped conversation with me. Even when I message her she says, “I have no mood to talking this time, we have to talk later,” and later she can’t reply to my message. This thing happened two or three times in the last two days. Now she isn’t replying to my message. What can I do now?

Hi rohit1996 –

As a dog, I’m very used to having a problem with time.  My human, Handsome, who I love more than life, will leave me at home in the morning.  And after an hour or so, I’m in a mix of terror that he’s never coming home and I’ll be locked in the yard forever, and awful grief at losing my beloved.  Then he’ll come home – in the afternoon, the same time as he almost always does, and I’ll go nuts!  I can’t control myself, barking, running in circles, and covering him in kisses.

Now the “hello” is great, but the hours before it are just awful.

So why am I telling you this?  Because you’re talking about a very short time.  You met this girl two weeks ago, and for two days she’s been very distant.  My friend, you’re worrying too much.  In fact, I know that, because you’re worrying like ME!

So my first bit of advice to you is to Continue reading

0 The different love languages

shxnamaria asks: I’ve been in a relationship for the past 6 months and he’s an amazing guy. It’s just that I’m the super popular party-going kind and he’s the exact opposite; a studious quiet introvert who’s prone to intense bouts of self-loathing. We each have had a failed relationship before this and that in fact brought us closer to each other. I had a boyfriend for 2.5 years and we broke up cause things were getting rough at home and also it was gonna end up being a long distance one. In his case, he was obsessed with a girl for a whole year only to realize that she was just using him to get over her on and off “slut phase.” I wear my heart on my sleeve and I love expressing my emotions regardless of who’s watching me or wherever I am. The fact that he chooses to push me away just cause “people are watching” hurts me. A lot in fact. And when I ask him for a kiss or a hug he makes up reasons to get over it. We live in a place where there’s 0 probability to get some much needed alone time, and all I’m asking if for a few stolen pecks, and he thinks that the physicality is the only driving force in our relationship. And he’s the kind of person who gets committed to a lot of things at the same time and leaves me hanging in the middle of nowhere. He doesn’t talk to me or spend time with me like he used to do. He calls me inconsiderate and selfish for asking for some time with him. I mean it’s reached a point where he doesn’t call or text me without me doing it first. He’s also ready to jump at it when I suggest a break. Like he’s been waiting for it for a long time. He’s also this kinda person who can shut me up with his arguments. I don’t know what to do. I just am stuck in a ditch. Should I take a break or just leave him and go? Or adjust with all this and live with a heavy heart?

Hi shxnamaria –

I can relate to both sides in this case, at least on the Public Displays of Affection issue.  I am an extremely enthusiastic in my affection, and love to jump on people and lick them all sorts of times when they don’t want me to.  On the other hand, I know what it’s like to be at the dog park, trying to look all independent and tough, and my human Handsome lifts me up in the air and starts kissing my nose and… well, it’s both irritating and humiliating. (Especially because I just loooove his kisses, and that makes it SO hard to look cool!)

So what to do about it?

Well, have you ever heard of the concept of Continue reading

0 Should you worry when your boyfriend or girlfriend gets friendly with their ex

My pack asks: I have been in a long distance relation with a guy for 2 years. We have a very healthy relationship. So, my problem is a girl. She is a part of the group of friends he also belongs to. They had a friends-with-benefits kind of relationship before I entered into his life. When our relation was new, they both again came close and I caught some messages on his phone and he confessed to me he kissed her. After this incident, they broke their friendship but since they both are a part of the same group they met in groups. My boyfriend and I broke up the past month for a few days and in that span of time they again became friends. I am insecure now. What should I do?

Hi My pack –

So I’ll admit I have a bias here – I tend not to like long-distance relationships, for just these reasons.  First, because it’s so hard for young people to remain faithful to someone they hardly ever see, and second, because it’s just about impossible to trust someone who’s so far away, and has other people around.

My friend, of course I have no idea what your boyfriend did or didn’t do with that girl, while you two were broken up.  But the fact that you two were broken up makes me question your statement that “we have a very healthy relationship.”

So here are my questions to you:  Will this Continue reading

0 How to set physical boundaries in a relationship

Spiky 401 asks: I just got into college, and immediately met this dude. It’s almost a month now, we started talked for sometime and decided to exchange numbers and see each other, but we didn’t because I had to visit my aunt at her house. After I got back to school we finally met and went out to a park. Nothing happened there, we went back to school, but not straight to the hostel, we strolled around the school and sat down in a quiet area. We talked about some things like family, entrepreneurship, school (he’d just graduated out of the same school). Then he asked me if I had dated before, I told him yes and that I would never like anyone the way I liked my ex. He asked me to tell him about my ex, which I did, and he promised to make me forget about him. From there he held my hand, stood up, and made me stand up. He hugged me real tight. It was shocking but comforting. From there, he picked me up from the ground – right that moment I thought he was gonna attack me but he didn’t, he dropped me and then he started to kiss me, I mean I have never kissed or hugged a dude but here he was kissing me. Every time I tried to pull away he stopped and hugged me until I got used to his lips on mine. I barely know the guy and I don’t feel that connection I had with my ex. But after the kiss I kept on recalling it and wanting to see him more. Please what do you advise I do, to be on the safe side without losing my innocence?

Hi Spiky 401 –

Well, my quick answer is that I want you to get a little more spiky, Spiky!

But here’s my long one.  First, I want you to go to AskShirelle.com, and search for a question asked by HarrietteS, and read it and my answer.

Have you read it?

.

.

.

.

Have you read it all?

.

.

.

Okay, Spiky 401, so your situation with this guy wasn’t exactly the same as mine with the bulldog.  But it’s actually close enough, in one regard: Both guys came from the belief that they could overpower us females into wanting what we said we didn’t want.  And this is SOOOOO WRONG!  I’m sure you’ve heard about the whole #MeToo movement going on; and while this guy only was kissing you and luckily not doing more, you are now a #MeToo-er, because he forced you into something you didn’t want!  I’m not saying to call the cops – he didn’t take it too far, thank goodness.  But he still took it farther than you wanted – and you were being very clear about your feelings.

Now it’s funny, when I started reading your letter, I thought I’d be getting onto your case about saying, or even believing, that you’d never again feel what you felt for your ex.  I think there’s a really great chance that you will feel as much, or even more, for someone someday.  But here’s the stupid thing about this new guy – he totally blew his chances of getting to be that someone!  Can you trust him now?  Are you going to let yourself feel things you can’t even imagine feeling, for him?  I really doubt it!  So by trying to be “super manly” and overpower your feelings, he just lost the chance to really win your love!  (At least most likely)

Now I realize you’re saying that you eventually liked the kissing, and it reminded you of your ex.  And that’s really nice.

So here’s what you’ve learned – you found out that you CAN feel that for someone else.  But do you really want it to be this guy?

And what this all leads up to is this advice:  I would be very happy if you Continue reading

0 Should you have casual sex with someone you’re hoping to create a deeper relationship with

Shin asks: I was approached by a 14-year-old, ‘x’, for sex. I’m 23, I have never done it in my life, it is very tempting, I wish to marry x someday, but I can’t say for sure because in our community parents decide our marriages. Should I do it now or should I wait it out? I’m very tempted and losing my confidence to say no every time I think about this. I haven’t done anything or responded to it, but I have let x know I like x very much . I’m torn apart by temptation and fear of losing and doing something bad to x. Don’t want to hurt x but want x in my life in a carnal way. I thought I had this but I’m starting to feel depressed about my love life which is practically zero, which makes this more tempting. Can’t seem to shake off the idea. X asked me whom I’ll marry and I said are you interested and x just shied away. We haven’t had an opportunity to talk alone since, but I’m scared if I do anything to her it might ruin both our lives. Please help.

Hi Shin –

This is a very tough situation, I understand.  You haven’t had the experiences you’ve wanted, and now you’re being offered something that seems wonderful, by someone who’s willing.  How could I possibly suggest you say no?

But I’m going to.  And really only for one reason.

Of course, I have no idea why x wants to have sex so young.  It’s normal for a human to have urges by age 14, but I find them usually to be a bit scared of the concept.  And why is she interested in a man almost twice her age for this?

My concern is about her.  I wonder if she’s worried that there’s something about her that’s not going to get married (maybe something’s happened to her before), so she’s not valuing her status in your community, the way most girls would.

You see, you might be the best thing that’s ever happened to her.  By being a good guy, who actually wants her in a serious way, you might be different from everyone else around her.  And I fear that giving in to what she’s asking might mess that all up.  (In a lot of places, it would also be illegal, and potentially get you locked up in jail for a while, and maybe labeled a Sexual Predator for the rest of your life – and you are SO much better than that!).

So my suggestion would be to Continue reading

2 Should a working woman stay with a man who doesn’t want her to work

Manisha asks: I have been in a relationship for the past 4 years. We are very serious about each other. I also have a job, but my boyfriend does not like this, but I want to do this job because it’s a good company and for me it’s a big opportunity. He wants me to leave this job because my job hours are 1pm to 10 pm, which he doesn’t like. Before this job I already worked with 2-3 companies also, but always he said to me that leave those also. I even worked in day shifts before, which he also didn’t like, but now I want to do this job and I want his support. He is short-tempered, and while I know he loves me very much, he speaks very harshly to me about my job. And his family also does not want me to do this. We have regular fights with each other. I don’t understand how to convince him. And I love him so much that I am searching for another job. So please tell me, is that good to work late at night? I have always to be on time, and on a daily basis I am doing video calls, phone calls – in short, I am giving my 100% for this relationship but I don’t want him to be sad. I don’t know what’s the problem with me doing this job. I can’t live without him. Should I leave this job for his happiness?

Hi Manisha –

Wow, I’m really torn on this.  On one hand, I love that he wants more of you, that he hates having you away from him, but on the other, it sounds like he might have that attitude that says that women shouldn’t work – and that’s as last-century as Rin Tin Tin movies!

But in truth, I have no more right to give my opinion than he does.  Less!  Because I don’t know a hundred other issues.

For example, how is your boyfriend doing financially?  Is he so well-off that he could support you and a family easily?  So there’s no reason – if you two stayed together – for you to need to work?  Or is he being silly, not acknowledging that he’d really need you to work for you two to be able to have a good life?

For another, could you change your working hours – or could he change his – so that you two could have more time together without one of you having to quit your job?

And beyond that, what’s his family’s interest in this?  Do they just not like women working?

But really, all of these questions are secondary.  The big one is what Continue reading

0 Is it a good idea for a student to take an extra year of school

Ajanardhan asks: I’m looking for advice on my kid’s school admission for coming academic year. To brief in better, she is currently doing PP1 and with a plan to move her to ICSC curriculum I have planned to put her into a particular school. But when I approached the school team, I been informed that UKG admission is not possible, as she is not yet five years old. With no option, and with an interest to put her in ICSC curriculum, I have opted for LKG admission and the seat is confirmed. All I want to be double sure of is that the call I am going to take by making the kid to reappear for PP1/LKG is a good decision or not.

Hi Ajanardhan –

So I have to confess – what I know about specific school systems is that mine offered treats when I got things right, while others give punishments when the pups get things wrong. So I don’t know a lot of the terms you’re using. But I think I get the gist of it, which is that you’d like your child to go into a more advanced year than the schools are allowing, so you’re questioning whether to have her do two years in preparation for the better program.

And my answer is – probably – Continue reading

0 What does it mean if your boyfriend asks for your best friend’s number

intel asks: If my boyfriend asks for my best friend’s number, what is he up to?

Hi intel –

Oh I SOOOOO wish I could read minds!  Then I could tell you exactly what your boyfriend wants with that number.  But since I can’t, my mind goes to…

1) He wants to plan a surprise for you, and to plan it out with your friend

2) He’s suspicious about something, and wants to check with your friend to see if it’s true

3) He’s attracted to your best friend and wants to get to know them

4) He wants to learn more about you and figures your best friend is the best source for information.

It could be any of these, or something else.

But I do have a thought.  Tell your best friend about this, and then give your boyfriend the number.  Then after he calls, have your friend tell you what he called about.  Now if it’s a surprise, this could ruin it a little.  But if you’re concerned enough to write me about it, I’m guessing you have good reasons to ask.  So I’d say to try this, and see what happens.

Good luck!

Shirelle