Cupcake11 asks: There’s more to the story I told you before. It all started when my best friend didn’t tell me that she was gonna break up with her boyfriend. She told me when I questioned her, and what hurt me was that she had considered my opinion which I had stated months ago and didn’t even find the need to ask me once about what exactly I meant. Instead she listened to her other best friend who had betrayed her once. It broke my heart to hear that. And then 3 days later, I found out that she patched up with her boyfriend. Her getting influenced by that best friend of hers made me mad, and she tried convincing me – and in the end I did get convinced, thinking that she would give up on me and leave me. Now when things went wrong in my family, when my brother didn’t support me – even when I was right he supported his girlfriend and my uncle has been demotivating me by calling me ugly fat and useless and says I can’t do anything in life – when I got frustrated I thought of reaching out to my best friend, but she was sending one word replies or emoticons (which upset me because I was in a very emotionally vulnerable state) and 2 days later she texted “I’m sick I can’t talk to u over the phone,” and she started asking me questions instead, like if my uncle was seriously saying that and how I should tell my brother to take a stand for me, but she didn’t send a single comforting message. I felt very bad and decided not to tell her anything, and instead just formally talk to her. Please tell me what to do. She is a bit conservative, but whenever she needed me I was always by her side comforting her, and now when I needed her the most she wasn’t there.
Hi Cupcake11 –
Yes, this is TOUGH! So much at once, all seeming to express the same thing – that you can’t trust at all.
And yes, we ALL have times like that, when the world is just plain weird, and we feel just that alone. (Well, except for what your uncle said to you. That bothers me a lot. I wish I could come over and bite him so hard I rip the seat of his pants out, so you can then say to him “Well it looks like you’re fat and ugly and useless, and it looks like you can’t do anything in life – you can’t even sit down, jerk!”)
But the worst thing about going through these times is that we end up over-sensitized, to where we expect the worst, and see everything in a bad way.
So I’m not saying that you shouldn’t be upset about all these people not being there for you. But I do want you to try thinking the complete opposite way.
And that might be difficult!
So, for example, what if you thought, “Hmm… my best friend had a good reason to think that her ex-bestie would know more about her problem with her boyfriend than I would, and hoped that talking about him would improve their relationship.” Might that feel a bit better? And “My brother is scared that if he doesn’t support his girlfriend she’ll leave him, so he had to put on a show for her, even though he knows I’m right.” Or “My best friend is so ill she can’t even text full sentences, and doesn’t even have it in her to support me right now.”
Now none of these is going to feel great. But what they all can do is shift you from seeing each of these situations as being about something negative toward you.
And I’ll throw in myself too. You wrote me this letter, but then wrote me again when I didn’t get back to you for a day. Normally it can take up to a week for me to respond to letters from pack members, and yesterday was even more odd because Handsome’s phone broke down and everything went crazy around here. So, truly, my not getting back to you had nothing to do with how much I care about you.
But I’m not saying you were wrong to feel sad about not hearing from me. Sure, just the way I feel sad when Handsome’s not home (or he’s all frustrated about his busted phone!).
We each want to feel important, and there are times when stuff is going on in so many of the lives of those we love that we feel like we’re always lower priority. But that doesn’t mean that those people don’t care about us, and love us, and want the best for us. It’s just that they have other things (like romances and illnesses and busted phones) that they have to pay attention to first.
And of course, you will have times you do the same. A friend calls you when you’re cramming for an exam, or when you’re at a family event, and you just can’t be there for them in the way you’d most like to.
A big part of loving someone is accepting them completely. Which includes the parts of them that can’t be there for you. I have learned to love Handsome when he’s working, when he’s on a date, when he’s watching a movie. Now I’ll admit, I’m a lot happier with him when he’s playing catch with me or kissing my tummy or throwing treats my way. But as frustrating as it is, I have learned to love and accept and trust him the rest of the time too.
If there’s a lesson in this rough time for you, it sounds like you’re getting that same lesson right now. And it’s a good one – you won’t believe how much happier you’ll be once you’ve grasped it!
ps: Though I’m still not cool with what your uncle said. Maybe there’s a way for you to love him still, but I’d have to know more to encourage it. For now, I’d just work on accepting and loving all the rest of these people. And maybe avoiding him when you can. Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrr…