Should you have casual sex with someone you’re hoping to create a deeper relationship with

Shin asks: I was approached by a 14-year-old, ‘x’, for sex. I’m 23, I have never done it in my life, it is very tempting, I wish to marry x someday, but I can’t say for sure because in our community parents decide our marriages. Should I do it now or should I wait it out? I’m very tempted and losing my confidence to say no every time I think about this. I haven’t done anything or responded to it, but I have let x know I like x very much . I’m torn apart by temptation and fear of losing and doing something bad to x. Don’t want to hurt x but want x in my life in a carnal way. I thought I had this but I’m starting to feel depressed about my love life which is practically zero, which makes this more tempting. Can’t seem to shake off the idea. X asked me whom I’ll marry and I said are you interested and x just shied away. We haven’t had an opportunity to talk alone since, but I’m scared if I do anything to her it might ruin both our lives. Please help.

Hi Shin –



This is a very tough situation, I understand.  You haven’t had the experiences you’ve wanted, and now you’re being offered something that seems wonderful, by someone who’s willing.  How could I possibly suggest you say no?


But I’m going to.  And really only for one reason.


Of course, I have no idea why x wants to have sex so young.  It’s normal for a human to have urges by age 14, but I find them usually to be a bit scared of the concept.  And why is she interested in a man almost twice her age for this?


My concern is about her.  I wonder if she’s worried that there’s something about her that’s not going to get married (maybe something’s happened to her before), so she’s not valuing her status in your community, the way most girls would.


You see, you might be the best thing that’s ever happened to her.  By being a good guy, who actually wants her in a serious way, you might be different from everyone else around her.  And I fear that giving in to what she’s asking might mess that all up.  (In a lot of places, it would also be illegal, and potentially get you locked up in jail for a while, and maybe labeled a Sexual Predator for the rest of your life – and you are SO much better than that!).


So my suggestion would be to get to know her better, spend time with her, and treat her like a complete princess.  And if, after a while, you still think she’s the right one for you, then I’d talk to your two families about it.  And if they were okay with it, you’d have a wonderful young bride.


But I do feel that giving in right now would create a relationship that does the opposite – sets you two apart from each other.  And I’d hate to see that.


Thanks again, and I wish you the best of luck with her – or someone else soon!!



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