0 How to return to an instrument after not practicing

arjai101 asks: A year ago, my mom switched careers. In order to do this, she had to pay for classes, attend etc. As a result, I had to stop taking piano lessons. She said I could start again in a few months once everything settled down and I would be out of town most of the summer anyways so I wouldn’t know the difference. But, here we are a year later and I’m still not taking lessons. At first, I practiced a ton. Even though I wasn’t taking lessons at the moment, I still wanted to hit the ground running when I did start again. As school started again and I realized it would be a long time before I’d get lessons. I suddenly just stopped playing. This also has to do with the fact that my mom and I rent two rooms in a friend’s house. The family is ALWAYS home; their kids are homeschooled. At first, I was just busy with school so I couldn’t really practice. In conjunction, I didn’t have a teacher pushing me or expecting anything from me, so I had no need. After a while, it became, I was afraid to practice because the family would hear and I used to be so good and now I sound like trash. Now, I’m afraid to look at, touch, or even hear a piano because it has been so long and I’m so afraid of all the hard work and money spent that went down the drain. It makes me so sad to think about it. It was a part of my life that defined me for so long and… I just don’t know anymore. And the worst part, I played today. And, it was worse than I had ever imagined. Everything is gone. I don’t even know what to do. I’ll probably never have lessons again. My family can’t afford it. (Despite the fact my mom makes more money than she did before this whole thing.) To rub salt in the wound, we still live with that family. Their kids take a million lessons and go to all kinds of ensembles and band this and that. Their parents practically beg them to practice, and they act like spoiled ungrateful brats. Here I am, and it all is just rotting away painfully. My mom is always like, just go play, it’s no big deal. But, it is a big deal. It’s painful to even be around other musicians, period. Just listening to classical music, it’s terrible. I miss music so much. I wish I could have what those kids have. I was just starting to really get somewhere when I had to stop. Everyone else got to keep progressing, and I got to go backward. Funny how nothing ever balances out. I have always had to overcome a very bad hand of cards and pretend like I’m just like everyone else and lie about my life and where I live. So forgive me world, if I choose to whine about this.

Hi Arjai101 –

Okay, so first things first: if there’s anyone anywhere who’s going to be okay with a little whining, it’s a dog! We whine all the time – out of fear, out of pain, out of excitement – so feel free to whine here all you like! In fact, when humans whine, it often makes us jump up into their laps and lick their faces, which it sounds like exactly what you need right now, so I’ll say it even more strongly: YES! WHINE!

Now, onto the piano. First, of course you must know I’m very jealous of you. I can’t play a single note on a piano (my paws are too big). The idea of playing a complex piece with melody, harmony, tone, complex time changes… hey I’ll be thrilled if I can come back in another lifetime and hammer out “Chopsticks!” So when you say you sound terrible, understand that, to me, you’re Lang-Lang, Bill Evans, and Jerry Lee Lewis all rolled into one! (Okay, I’ll admit, I had to get those names from Handsome; I love music but don’t know musicians that well!).

But I do know something about human nature. And I know that most humans judge themselves much more harshly than they do others. So I’m only guessing, but I’m going to suggest that maybe you aren’t nearly as bad on the piano right now as you think – although of course you are out of practice. So you’re not as good as you can be, or as good as you were a year ago. But I’m betting you aren’t horrible for others to hear.

Now you’ve heard stories of great athletes who get injured, right? They break their leg or their arm, or tear a muscle, and are unable to play their sport for a while. And there’s a chance they’ll never be as good as they used to be. But they work like crazy at recovering from their injury, and get back and are phenomenal again. Might they have been even better if they’d never been injured? Sure. But that’s not the way things went, and their goal is to simply be the best they can be. And they achieve it.

And your mother’s financial problems qualified as an injury for you. Your job now is just to Continue reading

0 How to move on from a bad relationship

Reena asks: I met a guy online. We are just 2 hrs away by flight btw but he never came down to see me neither allowed me to fly to see him. This guy is currently all of 27 yrs old, never worked a day in his life, his father still pays his bills. Dated more than half dozen women before me. He even admitted to me that he used to sleep around. And in his own words admitted he’s done the dirtiest nastiest things (sexually) I can imagine. We broke up last year but when I was with him he was overly concerned about not being taken advantage of. He wanted to marry me! I mean, why me?! Considering the kind of life he has lived, I am sure, he met better girls than me all those years. I need your insight into this. He treated me really badly when I was with him, but was hell-bent on marriage this time, I don’t know why. To the point where he kept terms and conditions before me stating that he can come to my town to meet me but we’ll not get physical but just hang out. I am a kid at heart and because I never had a boyfriend before (I am 27), I have a lot of unmet needs which he was extremely insensitive to. And because I never slept around like him, I never got my needs met. A need for security, stability, physical love (not sex), protection, etc. After our break up I met another guy and the obvious happened: we got physical too soon and I know why that happened. Simply because I was starved that much before. I mean, to be honest there’s a part of me whose self-esteem has taken a nice blow because 1) While he was in a live-in relationship with his ex, he never even came down once to see me (I know I shouldn’t compare but this is very telling); 2) Even when I met him, he was still in love with his ex; 3) He gave me nothing in the relationship. He lied lied and lied to me about soooo many things and was extremely secretive and manipulative. He has no job, no money, no life and can be extremely boring when he opens his mouth. Has mental health issues and often contradicts himself and has hygiene issues, doesn’t take care of himself, etc. Did I do right by walking away ?

Hi Reena –

Now I have to be honest here.  I’m very smart for a dog, but there might be other advisors on the internet who are even smarter than I, and might have some better advice to give.  There might be some who are wittier or more educated.

But no one, and I mean NO ONE, will ever judge you less than I do.  That’s what we dogs do – we love unconditionally.  And I’d no more judge you than I’d judge Handsome or a tree – to me, you all just are, and are perfect.

However, what I’m about to say might come off as the opposite of what I just said.

Because from everything you’re saying, this guy is a Continue reading

0 What’s a good age for dating?

FORLLAH asks: I asked you a question recently concerning if I can date my friend’s ex. We’ve started dating, but I’m having a disturbed min. I’m 21 and he’s a year older than me. Do you think it would be appropriate to date him? Do you think I’d be respectful to him?

Hi FORLLAH –

This is a very easy question for me to answer: no problem at all!

If you and he were younger, I’d have a few concerns – some places have laws about what ages are okay for dating which ages, and when you’re much younger (say 11 and 12) I’d have concerns about what you mean by dating.

But at 21 and 22, you two are fine.  There are reasons why most societies say one is an adult at age 21.  You’re still growing and learning and maturing, sure, but you’ve learned a lot, and are ready to be treated as adults.

But there’s another issue here, about men and women.  Little girls mature much faster than little boys.  Emotionally and physically, a ten-year-old girl is probably equivalent to a thirteen-year-old boy, on average.  And while of course boys’ physical maturity catches up soon, emotionally girls do tend to be a bit more mature  than boys, up to even age 30 or so.

(or, some women would argue, forever through life!)

Now I’m not saying this to brag that you and I are so great and that fellows like this guy of yours and my Handsome are wonderful but inferior (although… oops… I did just say it didn’t I!).  But rather to say that your dating a guy a year older than you is perfect – you’re just the right ages for each other!  You’re actually more equal than if you were the same age!

So of course, I know there are many other issues here, and there might be perfectly good reasons why you two shouldn’t get together.

But age is NOT one of them.

Thanks!

0 How to stop an older sibling from acting out

Schulte asks: I am trying to figure out how to get my 3-year-old son to stop biting at preschool and fighting with the other kids for their toys. His father and I have been taking his toys away and grounding him to his room and giving him an early bed time when we get a report from his teacher that day saying he bites. We also talk to him telling him that is bad. He has a 6-month-old baby brother who has been teething so a lot of attention has been on his little brother. We pay attention to our older son and play with him.

Hi Schulte –

Oh boy did you write the right advisor on this!!!  For the first two years of my life, biting was my greatest joy!  I don’t remember everything, but Handsome tells me I basically ate, slept, and breathed only in order to chew and bite.  I bit him LOTS, bit everyone else when I could, and chewed up EVERYTHING in our house!  So I relate fully to both your youngest son, who has to teethe just as I did, and your older one, who’s expressing all sorts of emotions by biting.  I was both!

But you already know how to handle your younger kid.  It’s that older one who’s making things difficult.  And as I said before, I do think his biting comes from some emotional places.  And I’m mainly going to guess one:  that younger brother!

See, when a human is an only child, the whole world revolves around them, and they don’t know anything else.  Their parents can love each other, or love movies or chocolate or their jobs, but their parental love is only for “me.”  And then if those parents have another kid, that whole universe is shattered.  Even in the best of homes with the most attentive of parents (as you seem to be).

Now if your son was older, say 7 or so, when you had that second baby, he would have much more awareness of this situation.  But being so young, all his reactions to his baby brother (most likely both gigantic love and huge resentment) are unconscious.

And – and here’s my biggest point – one of the most common ways for a child to react to something life-changing is to regress, to behave younger than they are, in a wish that the world would go back to the way things were then.  (This is true of us too – puppies don’t mature in a straight line, we’ll have times of acting young again – and even as adults, we can suddenly start acting like puppies.  Like peeing in the house, for example).

So your son WILL get better.  He WILL stop biting, and start acting more mature.  But right now, biting serves two purposes – it gives him a way to act out his aggression, and it lets him act the same age and stage as his baby brother!

So what we want is not so much to Continue reading

0 How to tell if someone being teased about you likes you

Shalini asks: I’m in a dance group.and everyone here teases my partner in dance by my name like as if there is something between us but only to him; no one teases me regarding him and everyone teases him like they don’t want me to know about it, like in a manner which should not be exposable to me. What should I make out of it since I have started liking him now? Earlier I didn’t, but now I do – I didn’t even think much about him till the teasing got me to give him a second look – and I want to know if he too likes me (which would be the most probable reason as to why all of them smile at him and tease him by my name). He’s a big joker, so are they just having fun with him, or do you think he actually likes me? How can I tell?

Hi Shalini –

Let me make sure I have this straight:  In your dance group, you have a partner you like, and you don’t know if he likes you or not, but everyone else teases him about liking you, while not teasing you.

Now I’m not a psychic, I’m only a dog.  But I can come up with only two reasons for the way they act.  One is great news, and the other is awful.

The great news is that everyone else can see that he really likes you, but you’re the only one who doesn’t see it.  So hopefully at some point he’ll say or do something to show you that he likes you, and then you can let him know how you feel, and everything will be like that movie everyone likes right now where you two dance up in the air in the observatory!

The awful one would be if everyone knows you like him, and he doesn’t care so much for you, so they’re all making fun of him for that fact, embarrassing him.  This one is bad enough already, but of course could get worse for both of you if you try to make something happen.

But why, if he’s a big joker and everyone likes to joke with him about things, would they choose to tease him about this one particular issue – his feelings (real or not) for you?  There are so many other things they could tease him about!

So although he’s not giving you any signs you can read, I’m still suspicious that the other members of the dance group know something you don’t.

So I really have three bits of advice.

First, and this is my biggest suggestion by far, pick out the Continue reading

0 How to find out if someone shy likes you

arjai101 asks: I suppose I’m contacting you because I think I’m deluding myself again. Remember how I said no one has ever liked me or what not? Well, I think someone might. Most of myself believes I’m just imagining it all. But, there is this one fleeting part that has somehow convinced myself that it might be true. Sometimes, I swear I see this person staring at me. Once again, I could be imagining this or just making things bigger than they really are. But, they always seem to hear what I say and respond when I think no one else is listening. They always seem slightly flustered when they ask me a question. They seem to actually find the stuff I say funny. I know I making this all bigger than it seems. They probably just think I’m a decent person to associate with or maybe they’re just using me. And even if they did like me, then what? The thought of it seems thrilling. But, I wouldn’t really know what to do. The whole ordeal is perplexing and mind consuming. Anyhow, am I deluding myself? What do I even do anyways?

Hi arjai101 –

Well you know that first I’m going to tell you you were always mistaken, because I like you and always have!  And I only wish I were able to meet you and jump on you and lick your face till you’re giggling so hard you scream for mercy… but I can’t, so you’ll just have to trust me on this one.

But as far as this other person goes… That’s Great!  I’m so glad someone finally figured out what I’ve always known about you!

Or at least they seem to.

So there are a million things you could do.  You can find lots of suggestions on my website – asking their friends, dropping hints, creating ways for them to be able to admit their feelings more easily, etc.

But in this particular case, I think there’s something even better you can do.  Which is simply to do what I would do: be friendly.

Is this person at school with you?  In a class of yours?  Ask them to help you study.  Are they someone you see in a park?  Ask them to join you in what you’re doing.  Someone you see at work?  Ask if you can help them with their tasks.

You see, it sounds like they’re very shy.  So trying to get them to open up and say “I have trouble falling asleep at night, but once my eyes close, all I can dream about is arjai101!” is going to be tough.  But you can make the connection between you two easier.

See here’s the big deal – you’re scared of what it might mean to be liked, but they’re scared of you!  Yes, I don’t think there’s anyone as scary to most people as the person they’re crushing on.  Think about it – a mean robber down an alleyway might hit you over the head and steal your money, but then they’ll run away.  But if you’re so crazy about someone that anything they do means the world to you, you’re in constant danger!

Handsome just reminded me of a folk song from maybe two hundred years ago, with the line “She wept with delight when he gave her a smile, and trembled with fear at his frown.”  Now that is a crush!

So make it easier on this person, if they are liking you a lot, and get some connection going.

And if their staring and actions don’t turn out to mean what you thought, then no big deal, you’ve just been friendly to someone shy.  That just makes you a terrific person, regardless!

But you know I’m hoping they’re flat-out nuts about you!  (like ME!)

Can’t wait to hear!

Shirelle

0 When a teenager’s life makes no sense

Daisaie asks: I’ve never been so depressed and broken. My parents are always yelling at me because apparently I’m failing to become the daughter they expect and things has gotten worse since last year. The class teacher is also making the matter worse. I try keeping myself motivated but it’s not working anymore. I’ve fell down from being a top student to failing in most subjects now. They never support me rather they end up discouraging me. Their comments have hurt me to the bottom of my heart and I’ll never be able to forget those. I’ve lost interest in everything. I seriously can’t take it anymore! I can’t even get a counselor. I really wanna get out of this mess so help me please.

Hi Daisaie –

Wow is this a sad letter!

You sound to me like you’re in a full-on depression.  That’s not abnormal, especially for a teenager.  In fact, I’ve never known a teenage human to get from ten years old to twenty without getting depressed.  But I know, that doesn’t make it any easier when you’re in the middle of it.

Still, I want to give you some perspective on it.  Being a teenager is, I think, the toughest part of most humans’ lives.  You go from the world making sense in certain ways, as a child, to a whole different existence, as an adult, with no logic or control.  Your school will say you should mature in some way (say, they suddenly start assigning big term papers instead of small essays for homework); your parents want you to mature in others (say, they want you to get a paying job), and your body wants you to mature in yet others (for eleven years, the only hairs you had were on top of your head, but suddenly…!).  And meanwhile, your school wants to keep you from Continue reading

0 Is it wrong to return a text to your friend’s boyfriend?

SEND HELP asks: So a few minutes ago I texted this guy just joking around, doing the same thing as he did to me in school today and the conversation kind of got awkward and I regret doing it. First he was like “who’s this” and so I replied and we had a small talk and then he was like “why’d you text me anyways?” So I just replied with something along the lines of “payback for school today”. I know it’s awkward but he’s in a relationship with my best friend and I’m just praying to God that he doesn’t tell her about our text and I just hope he doesn’t think I like him because I DO NOT. I’m just in Grade 6 now so a girl texting a guy is REALLY awkward if you’re not that close. PLEASE HELP I’M LITERALLY GONNA DIE IF HE TELLS MY FRIEND IDK WHAT TO DO.

Hi SEND HELP –

I’m afraid my response might be late, because you probably had to deal with any consequences of your text a few hours after you wrote me!

But in case it’s still going on, here’s my response:

You didn’t do anything wrong.  Your friend’s boyfriend was sending you joking texts, and you responded by sending one back.  I don’t see a problem.

In fact, if he was joking around with you and you completely ignored him, your friend’s feelings might have been hurt.  “Why are you treating my boyfriend so coldly?  Don’t you like me anymore?!”

To be honest, the greatest danger I see is that he might like you, and is flirting with you, and doesn’t stop.  So if he keeps texting, you might write him back (in a friendly way) something like “I can’t talk, sorry.  In the middle of homework.  Besides, you should be texting your girlfriend!  Ask her about what happened in math class today; it was hilarious!”

See where I’m going?  You can be friendly, but still direct his attention to her, away from you.  Hopefully he gets the message.

But even better, he’s hopefully just joking around, being friendly to his girlfriend’s friends, and proving he’s a great, fun, guy – just the sort you’d hope she’d be with.  The kind of friend, or boyfriend or girlfriend, or husband or wife, or dog, we all hope our friends are surrounded by.

All my best,

Shirelle

0 Dealing with habitual face-scratching

YunoGasaiFan asks: Hi Shirelle, I have another question. And it’s very serious. So basically I scratch my face and I don’t know why, I want to stop but I can never resist not to. My face is full of “scabs” and scars. My parents think it’s some kind of mental issue but I looked it up and I think I have a skin picking disorder also known as dermatillomania. I kept on begging my mom to take me to the dermatologist but she either says, “okay tomorrow” or “you don’t have to go, just stop scratching your face, it’s that easy” But my dad reacts much worse he either reacts about how students at my school will see my face or he will say “that face is getting bad,” with a disgusted look. Sometimes I just lock myself in my room and cry about why I did this to my face and cry that I don’t know how to get rid of these “scabs” and scars. It started off in 6th grade and it’s still happening (I’m in 7th grade). I tell people at my school it’s a “skin condition” because I don’t want to scare them of knowing that I pick my face. But only one friend knows I scratch my face. When I looked up what I have probably had, I told my mom about this months ago, but after those months she did nothing about it, she probably forgot, that’s why she always asks me now “why do you scratch your face?” Out this very long story I have 2 questions: I’m really scared about how they will react but should I tell them the full story about how and why I got my “skin picking disorder” and keep pursuing to ask them to take me to a dermatologist? Or should I just not tell my parents and not “worry” them and ask my sister to take me? I’m sorry, I’m just really scared about how my parents will react if I choose the first one, especially my dad.

Hi YunoGasaiFan –

Sometimes people write me questions and I really wonder why.  I’m a dog – I have a huge heart and a fairly good brain, but when I get questions about academic issues, I just think, “What in the world made you ask me?!”  But your question isn’t in that category at all, YunoGasaiFan.  Your sending this to me makes total sense.  Because when it comes to scratching yourself, no one understands better than a dog!

Oh I love scratching!  I love to get the nails of my rear paws right into my neck, especially where my collar rubs.  I love to roll around on rugs or grass and scratch those areas of my back where my paws can’t reach.  And of course I especially love scratching at fleas and getting them off of me!

But this can go too far.  For example, I knew a dog – his name was actually Dog, would you believe? – who died from scratching too much.  He was pretty old, and he had fleas that just wouldn’t go away.  And he scratched so much that his body’s immunity just burned out – he literally got the same condition as a person with AIDS, the lack of a working immune system – and so went from being a beautiful vibrant pup to a withered weak shell of himself.

Now you’re a long way from this happening to you, but I will say, your Continue reading

0 Is it a good idea to go to college early?

arjai101 asks: I don’t really know what to do anymore. I guess I’m just over high school. There is absolutely nothing for me there anymore. I realized that yesterday. My friend canceled on me…again, but, still managed to go on a triple date the night before on a whim with people she doesn’t even really like. The friends I do have don’t really do it for me, never really did, to be honest. Actually, everyone and I mean everyone you could think of is dating or got something going on with someone else and I can’t even find just a normal friend to hang out with me on the weekend. I have a license and nowhere to go, just as my mom long prophesized. I’ve been thinking of just going to college two years early, I got into a state university, and I’m taking some math classes there this summer. And I’m applying to another university, which has a great engineering program for their fall semester. If I get in there, I’m definitely not going back to high school. I’m tired of taking classes that don’t fuel my drive. I feel like everyone just thinks terrible things about me. No one takes me seriously. The administration and teachers who are supposed to vouch for me don’t even remember my face when I wave at them in the hall, even though I was in their class just last semester. I feel so lonely. Well, I’ve felt so lonely these past few days. I’m an extrovert; I need people. But, I feel like an unwanted burden to everyone. I don’t think there is anything wrong with me. In theory, I feel that I’m a pretty cool person to hang around. All I feel is just shallow acquaintances. What should I do? Should I just skip out on the last two years of high school? How do I meet people outside of this suffocating circle? I feel like I go to places where I should meet people, but people are so distant. I’m horribly frustrated. I need a breath of fresh air. I need to feel valued.

Hi arjai101 –

I understand this completely.  I was very good in obedience class when Handsome took me there, actually was the best student in the class I’m proud to say, but I never liked it (except that I got a lot of treats when I learned things correctly).  So I was very happy to leave it, and would have loved leaving it earlier if I could have.

And if you’re such a good student that you can get into an engineering school this early, I can’t really give you a good reason why you shouldn’t do it.  But I can suggest that you use that great mind of yours to really think it out before you make a decision.

One of my favorite humans is a young woman who works with my friend Handsome.  She’s brilliant and funny and kind and… did I say “young?”  She’s this young, and this far along in her career, because she started college when she was fifteen years old!  She then went straight through it and immediately went to graduate school, so she had her Masters’ Degree when she was twenty-one, an age when most people are still undergraduates!

And when she gets asked about whether it was the right thing or not, she never gives a simple, straight answer.  She loved the intellectual stimulation, and, like you, loved being away from the immaturity she saw in some high-schoolers.  But she was also very young, compared to her classmates.  And of course, college and university classes include students from all the years there, so imagine – she was fifteen sitting next to people over twenty in class, all the time!

So it was great, but it was also very isolating.  College is a time when people tend to grow very quickly – in relationships, in attitudes, in intellectual maturity.  And as bright as she was, she was way behind the rest.  So it was a bit lonely for her.

But at the same time, she liked a lot about it.  And she came through it just fine, and has a great life today (which includes, maybe no surprise, that she has a boyfriend a good deal older than she!  Maybe she kind of got used to that back then!).

So I can’t tell you yes or no on this decision; all I can tell you is to treat it like a scientific experiment – to learn everything you can about everything involved, and look at all the variables, and then make the wisest choice you’re able to.  And I think I can guarantee that, whatever you decide, you’ll like some things about whichever road you take, and you won’t like some others about it… and either way you’ll end up the wonderful thoughtful smartie you are – just with different life experience!

Can’t wait to hear what you decide!

Shirelle