0 What to do if your boyfriend or girlfriend has another girlfriend or boyfriend.

Blck-pantha asks: My lover has another girlfriend. He claims he doesn’t love her, only loves me, but what should I do? Should I break up or remain, hoping he’ll break up with her?

Hi Blck-pantha –

So I’m a dog.  We are very loyal, in our way, but it’s different from you guys.  If a human has two dogs, then we’ll be okay with that person giving love to both of us.  While most people aren’t comfortable in that situation.

But not all.

Some people like sharing their special person with others.  Some people like being able to date more than one person at once.  They feel more free, less pressured.  And there’s no reason why they should have to live in a different way than they want.

Unless they’re lying or cheating.

You see, I’m a lot more interested in integrity and kindness than I am in any particular rules.  I want you to be treated in a respectful and loving way.  If you’re okay with having what they call an “open relationship,” then fine.  But only if you’re okay with it.

AND IT SOUNDS LIKE YOU’RE NOT!

So you ask me if you should break up with him or stay, hoping he leaves her.  Here’s my problem:  If he does, will you trust him to remain faithful to you?  He’s already told you he’s fine with having another girlfriend, even saying he doesn’t actually love her.  So why would you ever trust that he’d be there for you.  Especially if… what if he did fall in love with another woman?  It’s hard to imagine he’d be faithful to you then when he’s not now.

So I know love follows its own rules.  But my advice would be to Continue reading

0 What to do when your boyfriend or girlfriend keeps contact with their ex

Jessie asks: There’s this guy, and we really like each other, though we are not dating. Before, he had this thing with a girl but now that I ask him about it, he says he doesn’t like her at all (and that she is weird and attention seeking etc). He even says that he replies to her texts at times but isn’t very keen in conversing with her. However, I see him reacting ‘love’ on ALL her pictures on Facebook. Like EVERY picture. I can’t talk to him about it. Do you think something is fishy?

Hi Jessie –

To quickly answer your question, sure something is fishy. But please understand that, as a pooch, something smelling of old fish sounds delightful to me!

I have absolutely no idea what he’s doing. He might be doing a really bad job of trying to hide his interest in her from you (Really?! He doesn’t think other people see Facebook?!). Or he might just be a friendly supportive guy who’s trying to be nice by giving her the attention he feels she needs, having no idea how it looks to you.

After all, if my special human Handsome were to get jealous of all the love I give all you guys, he’d have tossed me out to the street years ago!

My sense would be to keep watching him. See how he acts around you, and around others. And if you get the chance, see how he acts around her!

Handsome just reminded me of a funny story he told me years ago. He was starting to date a woman at his school, and both wanted to keep the other students from knowing about it. One night there was a party, and he was socializing, being friendly, and at some point someone walked up to him and said “It’s clear you’re dating her.” He asked how they knew. It was because she was the only woman at the party he didn’t hug and kiss when they greeted; she was the one he just walked up to and talked to.

I’m telling you this because it’s possible this guy’s putting all those “Loves” on FB means absolutely nothing to him. That he’s just being a goofy sort of friendly (kind of like me!). But of course it’s also possible he is madly in love with her and just lying to you about it. I don’t know.

So again, the best I can suggest is to keep your eyes open.

And let me know what you find!!!

Cheers,
Shirelle

0 How to help your boyfriend or girlfriend friend through depression.

Ashmita asks: I have been in a relationship for the past 9 months. It all started smoothly. But two months before, my boyfriend started having some problem. He used to get angry, even for some petty matter, and he suffered from sadness. At that time he told me that he was losing all his feelings for me, which I partly believed because he was going through a problem. I held on to him and firmly believed that everything will be okay. He soon visited the doctor and took medicines and reassured me that he stills loves me. Two days ago he again told me that thoughts like that still come to his head, but he keeps patient and waits for everything to become okay. His words show that he still loves and cares for me, which he tells me and I really don’t want to lose him. I suggested him to wait till he becomes okay and not make any decision in haste. Please can you suggest what else can I do? It keeps me worried.

Hi Ashmita –

It sounds like your guy suffers from Clinical Depression.  This fits with his ongoing sadness, his losing his feelings for you, the doctor’s medications for him… and with his belief that he’ll be able to love you as he did once he feels better.

True Depression is a really difficult problem for a lot of people.  It looks a lot like grief or sadness, the sort one feels after an awful loss.  But unlike those feelings, Depression isn’t necessarily about anything, so it can linger for a long time, even a lifetime.

Scientists have found lots of amazing facts about it in recent years, and have developed many medical treatments for it.  But – and here’s the tough part, for him and for you – no one medication works for everyone.  Because different brains are different, a prescription that works perfectly for one person will do nothing for another, and cause only nasty side effects in yet another.  The only way for doctors to find the right medicine for your boyfriend is what they call ‘trial and error’ – to try one out, see if it works, and if not, try another.  In the end, it might be a mixture of a few, at very particular proportions, that gets him where he needs to be, in order to fully be his happy, loving self.

So what can you do, during this?  Well, first of all, you can Continue reading

0 Going to the Well … finding your biggest energy …

Going to the Well … finding your biggest energy …

Maybe you’re still a kid.  But even if not, I’ll bet you can remember when you were, and how much you wanted to get to do the most amazing thing in the world…  DRIVE!

I can sure tell you, as a dog, that I envy you guys like CRAZY – that you’ve invented, and are able to work, a machine that comfortably carries people, dogs, and other cargo at incredible speeds, far faster than even I can run.

And I know that, reading this, you either share my envy or had it once before.

Maybe you were three years old and wished you could drive to the ice cream store.  Or maybe you were twelve and just wanted to speed like crazy, with the windows down and your favorite song blasting all your neighbors awake.  Or maybe you were fifteen and just wanted to be able to escape your family and get to your friends who understood you better (or maybe, just who you understood better!).  And maybe you’re older than that, and for whatever reason, you still haven’t had the ability to learn to drive, or don’t have access to a car.  And so you’re still jealous of every driver out there.

Well join the club.

Now the one thing I do get to do is to ride in the back seat and look out the window (Handsome won’t let me stick my head all the way out, which I so want to do, as he says it’s too dangerous – something could strike my eye, or a bad driver could even drive too close to us and… YIKES, OKAY, I’M GOOD STAYING INSIDE!).

And do you know what I see as I watch the other drivers?  I’ll bet you do – almost everyone is MISERABLE!  They’re frustrated at not being able to drive faster, or angry that they’re running late, or hating all the other drivers for just being there, or mad at something they’re hearing on the radio, or jealous that someone else has a better car in some way.

Now, yes, some drivers are happier than those.  They’re singing along with something fun, or having a funny chat, or… well there’s at least one guy who likes nothing more than to reach into the back seat and scratch my ears and get a lick on his hand and tell me how much he loves his knucklehead…

But do you see where I’m going with this?  No one is actually happy about the fact that they’re DRIVING!  They’ve waited years, maybe decades, to be able to do this, and once they can, all the fun of it is GONE!

How ridiculous is that!

And I see this same quality in you amazing humans all the time!  You try so hard to get a job, and then complain about having to go to work.  You dream of finding a mate, and then get bored and bothered by that person you’re “stuck” with.  You achieve the greatest circle-of-life goal by creating a baby, and then spend eighteen years griping about how all the good days of your life ended when you got saddled with those stinking kids!

Now I know, my brain’s a lot smaller than yours.  So my ability to be overjoyed about something happening that has happened every day for years (like getting food, or my human coming home) might seem silly to you.

But if we’re both living our lives pursuing happiness, and I’m happier than you… who’s the silly one?

And now that I’ve got you there, here’s my real question – wouldn’t you like a way to be able to tap into that same energy I have all the time?

There’s a way.

Each of Continue reading

0 How to answer difficult questions.

Anonymous asks: I recently started a blog link: www.anonymousteenblogger.wixsite.com/blog And I was just wandering what do you do if someone asks you a question and you don’t quite know how to answer?

Hi Anonymous –

That’s really great that you’ve done this!  I’ve already signed up as a subscriber – and have to say, that photo of that bridge is gorgeous!  I wonder if they let dogs walk down it!

I actually get lots of questions I don’t know how to answer.  Sometimes people will write me a question from a class they’re in – something about science or math or history – and of course, no doggy knows any of that stuff!  With those, I’ll just find what looks to be a reputable website on that topic, and refer them to that.

But then there are the other hard sorts of questions.  Ones that are emotionally difficult.  Ones where I have a lot of trouble knowing just what to say, because maybe the writer is in some danger (for example, if they’re cutting themselves, or keeping food from giving them nutrition).

With those, my main advice is to listen to your heart.  And don’t pretend you know more than you do.  That person who’s starving themselves doesn’t need my expertise, but maybe my saying that it makes me horribly sad to hear about their pain, and I wish I could help, especially because I love eating so much – maybe that will help more than anything else anyone can say.

The worst way to answer would be to say something you don’t know is true, or you don’t even feel.  They’re trusting you to tell the truth – or at least your truth – and lying in some way won’t do any good at all.  And might actually harm them.  Far better to write them and say “I’m very sorry, but I don’t know enough to give you an answer to this.  You’ll need to talk with someone who’s more of an expert.”

Like about that bridge.  If you don’t know, please don’t tell me it’s okay for dogs.  Because it’d be so miserable for me if I went all the way there and found it wasn’t!

Good Luck!  I can’t wait to see what you write!

Shirelle

0 How to stay safe on a blind date

Reena asks: I just met a guy on Tinder three weeks back. It was barely two days of chatting and he asked to meet up. I was wary because, though Tinder is a dating app, 95% of the times you will find people there only looking for hook ups. So I decided to take it slow with this guy. Now, initially this guy was quite a Gentleman, showering me with compliments, initiating contact, no mind games, no ego issues, too good to be true I’d say. In a way, exactly what I was looking for. He also told me, ‘we have a connection, there’s a chemistry we have’ he said. But he has also admitted he is quite lonely. Then, in the past two weeks, his questions have been pretty sexual in nature: what I’m wearing, asking me to come home etc. While I am looking for a relationship, he has told me, “Lets just go with the flow.” I know what guys mean when they say this! However, it is also true that while men are just planning the 2nd date, women are planning their wedding. So I am just confused. I don’t know if this guy just wants me sexually or actually likes me. I know I like him, and he’s told me he likes me. I am paying attention to his actions, he chats with me pretty much the whole day. Messages me as soon as he wakes up and I’m the last person he talks to before he sleeps. My question is, should I give it a chance or run away like I usually do when I sense something is off? My brother advised to go on a first date at least and see how things are. If I don’t like him, then there’s no obligation to continue seeing him anymore. What do you suggest?

Hi Reena –

As you know, I am a VERY protective dog.  While I live for fun, my first priority is always the safety of you, my humans.

So while I’m not against internet dating (after all, that’s kind of how we met!), I care a lot about you protecting yourself when it comes to meeting someone from there.

Now I have no reason to trust this guy, or to not trust him.  He might be only interested in ‘one thing,’ as you suggest, or he may be looking for true romance, but trying to talk tough and cool when he writes you.  (It’s like when Handsome’s walking me and we see another dog, I might want to go sniff and play with the pup, but I’ll start barking and acting like I’m vicious just to look cool.)

My thought is kind of like Continue reading

0 What to do when someone who likes you goes out with someone else

Confused asks: So there’s this guy I really like and he likes/liked me I don’t really know it’s really confusing and my friends have talked to him and they said that he told them that he likes me and he knows I like him but one day out of no where this girl asked him out and he said yes so I don’t know if he’s trying to make me jealous or if he just stopped liking me. What should I do?

Hi Confused –

Of course, I don’t know what’s going on in his mind – it could be him trying to make you jealous, it could be he stopped liking you, or it could be that he didn’t see you as a possible date so he asked her out instead, or it could be he likes you both… any are possible.

As far as what to do, that’s a tough one.  My first thought is that one of those friends who he talked with before could ask him what’s going on – if he tells them, that’ll be the easiest way.

But another thought is to ask him out yourself.  Just because this other girl asked him out and he said yes doesn’t mean she owns him forever.  It’ll probably feel great for his ego to be asked out by two girls at the same time (how many guys get that?!), but so what?  If he’s worth it, that’s fine.

Or… you could give up on him, and say that if he was willing to go out with another girl, then he’s not good enough for you – that he should have asked you out instead.

I can’t tell you which one would be the best (though if one of your friends can find out something from him, that will sure help).

But please let me know!  I’ll be excited to find out!

Best of Luck!

2 How to help an online friend in difficulty.

wxyz asks: I have a ‘virtual relationship’ with a classmate; her boyfriend is also my classmate too. It’s been so hard to see her with another man, but it’s a great pleasure to talk with her in chat. She is taking care of me to recover from my dark addiction. In reality, she can’t talk to me – that’s a painful truth, I accept happily. I am fighting with myself to stand by her and to be worthy of that. I am really grateful to her. Her relationship with her boyfriend is not good. She used to tell me about her difficulties, but recently, she is not interested to share those. I wanna support her back. I do feel good to know her pain, to support her. But, she is keeping her mouth shut and like acting in chat by smiling as if nothing happened. I even feel that she is having under a lot of pressure by maintaining me and her relationship. But, luckily she can’t bid good bye! I wanna erase her pains. Wanna support her. I’d love your thoughts.

Hi wxyz –

You’re right – it does make it difficult for you to keep this ‘virtual’ relationship going when you hear that her relationship isn’t good. But I think there are other things you can do besides dealing with her face-to-face.

Think about my relationship to you. I’m trying to help you, right? Even though we’ve never met, and might well live in different continents.   So why can’t you do the same for her. Even if she doesn’t want to give you details, can’t you tell her “You deserve the best,” and “You should be very happy, and if someone’s making you feel unhappy, they’re not good enough for you.” Even if she doesn’t respond, you know she’ll hear it.

Think of how helpful you two could be for each other! Her helping you on your road to recovery from the addiction, and you helping her feel good enough about herself not to stay in a bad relationship.

In fact, you probably can do this better through media than you ever could in person, just because everything’s so much scarier with the person right there. (Again, isn’t it easier to write me your private concerns, rather than talk to someone about them out loud? That’s the way you can be for her!).

So I’m very happy, and excited that you’re continuing to move forward. And, more important, eager to see you continue!

You’re doing great. Keep it up!

Shirelle

0 What problems come from avoiding social media?

Ayay asks: I don’t take pictures and I’m not a fan of social media. Is it a problem?

Hi Ayay –

What a great question. It seems like every day there’s a new story in the news about someone getting into trouble or getting hurt because of photos on social media. So my first instinct is to tell you “Keep it up! It’ll keep you safe!”

But the other side of that is that, sure it’s a problem. It’s a problem because most people, especially if you’re young, love posting pictures on social media. So that’s where they meet, and how they interact.

Think of it this way. Imagine you went to a school where the only time the students got to socialize was at lunch. And someone asked you “I don’t eat lunch; I spend that time alone doing another activity. Is that a problem?” Well your answer might be, “No, you’ll be so much healthier because our lunches are terrible!” Or “No, what you’re doing is so much better.” But even if both of those were correct, it would still also be true to say “But if you want to make more friends and get more of a social life, then yes it’s a problem.”

The good news for you is that there are lots of other ways to meet people and connect, besides social media. There’s real life, there’re the phone and emails and letters and all that. Or, if you were a dog like me, there are trees, telephone poles, and fire hydrants – which are GREAT social sites that don’t involve electronics or photos! But… I’m going to guess you’re a human.

So my final answer is that it’s not a problem at all, unless you decide you want to enter that social media world. And the day you do choose to, I only ask that you talk with everyone you can – whether teachers, friends, or even me, about how to stay as safe as possible.

But till then, I just say that, like me, you’ll be more connected to real life, you’ll have more time, you’ll have more room in your brain to think, and you’ll be LOTS safer. So if that’s a “problem,” that’s the kind of problem I like!

Thanks again!

Shirelle

0 What to do if your crush insists on you telling them

Sphumelele asks: I have a really huge crush on this guy, I befriended him and we’ve been hanging out a few times and he’s great company. I told him one day while we were texting that I’m crushing on him and his reply was, “we’ll talk when we get together again,” and that I shouldn’t be a coward by telling him this over the phone. Now my worst fear is that he might tell me he doesn’t feel the same, and it’s something I don’t want to hear looking at him rather a text or a phone call. How do I know he feels the same?

Hi Sphumelele –

Ooooh, do I love crushes!  They’re so much more fun than just friendships or even romances – they’re nothing but magic!  Well, at least until the people actually start to speak.  Then they become more… relationships.  And that’s where you are.

So Sphumelele, I can’t read minds, and I can’t promise what’s going on in this guy’s head.  But I do have a thought:  when someone doesn’t share the same interest someone else has in them, and gets uncomfortable about it, that usually makes them avoid that person.  And certainly avoid the topic.  So when this guy said to you that he wants you to be more brave and tell him face-to-face, that sounds to me like he’s ABSOLUTELY interested!

In fact, the only concern I have is about what he might be interested in!

On one hand, he might feel towards you exactly the way you feel towards him, and so he might want to admit that when you two can… well… do something about it!

And on the other, he might not feel as strongly as you, but he might think it could be a lot of fun to enjoy the effects of your feelings for him.  In other words (to some degree or another) to take advantage of you.

Now that’s not necessarily a bad thing.  If you really want to kiss him, and he would enjoy kissing with you, there’s no real damage done.  But if you’re hoping for a beautiful romance, and he’s thinking of taking things further than you are, and you suddenly find yourself in a difficult situation where you’re saying ‘no’ and he’s saying ‘don’t be such a coward”…  Do you see where I’m going?

So I’m going to recommend two things to you.  First, SURE!  Meet up with him and tell him face-to-face about your crushing!  You know he’ll be happy to hear it, and won’t reject you.

But second, I want you to go to the following page on my website, https://askshirelle.com/2010/06/02/how-should-i-deal-with-it-if-my-date-wants-to-do-more-than-i-do/ , and read that question and my answer.  Because I want you to be happy and strong and the great romantic you are – and not have anything go wrong with it.

Sound good?

Great.  Then GOOD LUCK, and HAPPY CRUSHING!!!

Shirelle