0 How to choose between your boyfriend and your family.

Susmitha asks: I’m in a relationship with a boy. He is an introverted, nice guy. I trust him very much. We have been in love for three years. We are not married, but we do have physical touch. After some day, I noticed that he had some feelings about my sister. After I asked him, he said that he is loving both of us. Firstly he proposed to my sissy, and she rejected him in front of me. Later he proposed to me to take revenge on my sissy. After she came home, she accepted his proposal but I didn’t know about it. In between that we both had a physical touch (but didn’t go further than that). Over the next three years, he cheated on both me and my sister. We asked him finally whom he wants in his life, who he loved the most. He says that he is in love with me, “I don’t want your sister, I need you in my life. I did wrong but I don’t want to lose you.” They broke up. He promised me after this that after he gets a job, “I will come to your home and I ask your parents to marry you. Until then I will wait for you. Forgive me, I did wrong.” But my sister is not accepting him to be in my life. She says to break up with him. But I don’t want to lose him. I’m so confused. Can I accept him in my life or not. What can I do now? I too need him In my life, and don’t want to lose him, He is somewhat childish, but he is my true love. What can I do now? Please help me.

Hi Susmitha –

Okay, so yes, there’s a real problem here.  Your sister is telling you what to do, and you’re struggling with whether to obey her or go with your interest in this guy.

This is one of those situations where one’s culture really matters.  I live with my human friend Handsome, in the Los Angeles area in the United States.  I haven’t seen any of my siblings since I was a month or two old, so I wouldn’t care at all if they told me to do something.  Handsome has a very good relationship with his brother, and neither one has ever ordered the other to do, or not do, anything (since they were children of course).  So if Handsome fell in love with someone and his brother told him he had to leave her, that would be extremely hard for Handsome; but there’s a good chance he’d go with her, and hope his brother gained more understanding over time.

But in a different culture, I understand that family is a bigger deal, and disobeying a family member could be catastrophic.  So this is why I can’t really answer your question – because I don’t know what you would lose if you disobeyed your sister.

I will, however, tell one story – about Handsome and me.  He was dating a Continue reading

0 How to win over someone who is afraid of being held down by a relationship

Danish asks: As you suggested, I asked that girl in an indirect way why she doesn’t want to marry. I feel her answer is based in fear, that she wants to achieve something big In life. She’s scared while she thinks about her future. She doesn’t want to depend on boys for her survival. She is ambitious and she wants an independent life. And she does have feelings for me, as she told one of our mutual friends, and will accept me after being successful. So here I want to ask you how to make my emotional connections stronger now, as she doesn’t know that I know she has a feeling for me – but without letting her know what her friend told me?

Hi Danish –

Wow, this is a fascinating situation!

It feels like it should be part of a romantic comedy movie, maybe a musical, but I don’t think it’s ever been made.  The woman is focused on her career, the man wants to win her, so he works to convince her that he’s so focused on his career that he’ll only date her if she’s not interested in getting married yet.  She gets very attached to him, and decides she wants to marry him, but is afraid to say so, because she thinks he’s too independent.  Eventually there’s a big confusion that almost ruins everything, but they discover the truth, and in a big song and dance number pledge their love to each other forever.

Sound good?

I think it’d be a big hit!  But I’m going to like it a lot better if you LIVE it instead of filming it!

Can you do this?  Can you be her friend, and get her interested in you, without letting her know how much you want for you to be hers and her to be yours?  If you can, this just might work!

And it would be SOOO romantic!

Best of luck!

Shirelle

0 How to avoid someone you’re attracted to

Athika asks: I’m a female and I’ve been in a serious relationship with one boy for a few months. My problem is that I still talk with my classmate whom I used to love and admire a lot. I met with my classmate, which caused serious impact on our relationship. My partner got to know about this and was ready to leave. I just want to stay away from my classmate because I know I seriously love my friend. What should I do now?

Hi Athika –

I just want to clarify your question, to make sure I understand what’s going on.

If I have it right, you’ve been in a relationship with a boy for a few months, but you also have a classmate you have loved and admired, and your boyfriend is jealous about this?  Is that correct?  And so you’re asking how to stay away from the classmate?

If I do have it right, the fact is that you can’t totally stay away from the classmate, as long as you’re in class together.  But you can choose to only deal with them in a “professional” way, only talking about classwork and such.  And that might help.

But at the same time, this is a great time to work with your boyfriend to build trust in each other. After all, you might later have a job with someone very attractive, or he might too.  And trust is really the most important part of any relationship, and this is a great way to work on it.

My real advice on this is to talk very openly about it – a lot – with each other.  See what bothers him, and how you can work together to make the relationship work for both of you.

(But if I misunderstood what’s happening, please let me know and I’ll be glad to give you the right response!)

All my best,

Shirelle

0 Should I tell my boyfriend or girlfriend about my past they can’t accept?

Satapathy asks: I had a past sex relationship with my ex-boyfriend. Now I’m going to marry a new person. He is very honest, well-behaved, cultured, loyal. I want to tell him everything about my past, but I know that after knowing this he will leave me. But I don’t want to play with his emotions. What can I do?

Hi Satapathy –

This is as tough an issue as exists.  As any dog can tell you, the key to relationships is trust.  That’s why we’re so loyal.  That way, when we break a rule (like when I took that pizza off the counter last week), our humans can still know that we’re trustworthy deep-down, where it counts.  And I know that my human will be trustworthy to me, even though he got really mad about that pizza!

I wish I could give you a simple clear answer to your question, but I can’t.  And this is for one simple reason: In order for your marriage to be based on trust, you’ll have to tell him about this issue, which is likely to take some of his trust in you away.

And that is TOUGH!  For anyone!

I’ll throw in a thought, though.  A friend of my human, Handsome, is a therapist, who told him a story recently.  A client of hers had let her husband think she was Continue reading

0 Can someone be too good for you?

PERFECTION asks: My friends always told me that I shouldn’t even try to be with this girl. They say she’s too good for me as she’s perfect, and I wasn’t the only one who noticed it. Should I be worried that she’s too good for me? And also, Is there even such a thing about money defines to whom are we going to be with?

Hi PERFECTION –

We talked before about what I consider perfection, and what you consider perfection.  But now you’re talking about social status.

Some people are considered very good-looking, and so only want to date people also considered very good-looking.

Some people are super-popular, and only want to date other popular people.

Some people have a lot of money, and so only want to date other people who have money.

And then there are cross-overs.  A great athlete marries a popular actress, a rich man always has young beautiful women around him, etc.

I can’t pretend that these scenarios don’t exist.  They do.  In high school, in regular life, and all the way up to royalty and presidencies.

So your friends might be right to want to protect you from getting rejected by her, because of whatever reasons there might be.

But you’ve told me something very different about her before.  You told me she’s intelligent, and responsible, and good.

Which makes me wonder… just maybe… if she’s able to look at a person through other eyes than those of those shallow values.

And of course I don’t know her at all.  But I can sure tell from what you’ve written that she’d be smart to go out with you.  Someone who’d treat her with such honor and respect and adoration.  (Or maybe a better way to say it is that, if I were her mother or father, you’re exactly  who I’d want her to go out with!).

The only way you’ll be able to find out is to try, I’m afraid.  And then, even if she says no, at least you’ll know you had a quality that is right up there with responsibility and intelligence and goodness… you showed her, and your friends, and yourself, that you are truly brave.

Which might be its own reward here.

BUT I’M HOPING FOR ALL THE BEST!

Shirelle

0 How to choose between two great partners

Melanin asks: I am a 21-year-old lady who got into a relationship with a 24-yr-old gentleman for 5 months, and now he mentions he was scared to let me know he was already in 3 other relationships, but he decided to choose me so he’s working on ending the rest. And now I find myself liking a high school crush of mine again who appeared recently and treating me all nicely, saying he’s serious about me and want us to have a serious relationship. I don’t know what to do. How can you help me?

Hi Melanin –

You’re in that crazy situation I dream of, where someone puts a pizza on the floor at one end of a room, and someone else puts a lamb chop on the floor at the other end, and I have to decide which way to run.  Especially as I know that the one I don’t run to might disappear if I don’t pick it!

The funny thing about these dreams is that I don’t know if they’re good or bad dreams!  Sure, they’re frustrating, but at the same time, I either get pizza or lamb (or maybe both!).  So there’s nothing really bad in them, right?

Now, you’re very confused and frustrated in this situation. But I think you can look at it in a different way, and see it as a delightful treat.  The man you’ve been with has a problem with fidelity and honesty; he’s been great with you, but he was keeping three other women secret, right?  Then this other man has never treated you in any particular way, but he’s saying he wants to pursue you, and you’ve always had a crush on him.

So why not Continue reading

0 Is there Destiny?

PERFECTION asks: Do you believe in destiny? That at some point in our lives we are meant for someone (predestined, inevitable) to be the person that’ll be my lifetime companion? Or is it the other way around? I am the one who makes my own destiny. What do you think?

Hi PERFECTION –

Simple answer: I have no idea.

What you’re really asking is a big theological question about Cause: Is there a cause behind anything, and if so, what does that Cause cause?  Is life on Earth an accident or was it intended?  Do humans (or other animals) actually have free will?  Is there a Divine Plan?

There have been very wonderful people throughout history who have said that they’re sure of the answer to these.  I’m not a person, and I’m not sure.

But here’s the funny thing about it.  You ask if we make our own Destiny.  Well, if there is someone causing us to do what we do, then when we “make our own Destiny,” we’re actually fulfilling our Destiny!  And if there isn’t, then we’re making it happen.  So when we try to make our own Destiny, our Destiny happens, either way, right?!

In other words, let’s say it was written in the stars that you would write me this question.  But you didn’t write it because some booming voice came out of the sky to tell you to do so; you wrote it because you thought of it and wanted to.  Well, that means you wrote it!

We, however, feel the hand of Destiny in bigger issues.  Falling in love, or big disasters, or other big events.  Was it predestined that I would meet Handsome, that that bridge in Genoa would collapse this week, that the US would elect this president?

Maybe the most interesting thing to look at these days is climate change.  Certainly, if anything is predestined, it must be the weather; it’s so big and powerful.  But all the scientists in the world argue that humans are affecting it a lot.  So which is that?

Sorry, I’d love to give you a definite answer, but all I can give you is my own confusion.  But to add that, when I cuddle up in Handsome’s arms every night, it sure feels right, like it was meant to be!

All my best,

Shirelle

1 How to have an encounter with God

majority asks: what will I do to have an encounter with God?

Hi majority –

I’m just a dog, and not a theologian.  But my answer to your question would be to ask you what your sense of God is.

Lots of people feel God’s presence when they pray, or when they hear beautiful music, or when they experience children laughing with joy.

Maybe you feel it when you climb a mountain, or swim in the ocean, or paint a beautiful picture.

But those depend on what your sense of God is.  Other people could do all those things and say “I never felt any connection to anyone at all.”

Then of course many people believe we all will meet God when we die.

I’m not the one to tell you which of these is true.  All are possible.

But I will say that watching a sunset, even for a visually-impaired being like us dogs, it’s hard to not feel there’s some contact with something.  I’m just not the one to give it a name.

All my best,

Shirelle

0 What to do when you’re only attracting bad people

Tyna asks: I just feel awfully worthless. I recently broke up with my online boyfriend just because I couldn’t get myself to send him nudes. I tried to explain to him that I wasn’t comfortable with it. I hoped he would understand, but it turns out I was wrong. It somehow hurts. Actually it does hurt. Because he is not the first guy who has shown very little interest in me as a person. I feel horrible. Most guys that come into my life see me as a sex thing I guess. They talk about one or two things and the rest is about sex. All my friends have boyfriends who are committed to them. It hurts me because I don’t have one at this age. (22) when they receive phone calls from their boyfriends, I can’t help but admire them. I keep wondering how it feels to have someone who cares about you and checks on you from time to time, someone you can share everything with. I don’t know what to do. I feel demotivated to do anything. I just feel like no matter what I do, no one will appreciate me or notice me anyway.

Hi Tyna –

Ouch!  This letter hurts to read!  On a few counts!

So first I want to talk about him.  Obviously, I have nothing against online connections – you and I have one, after all!  But our relationship is very open.  I’ve offered to give you advice, you wrote me, and I’m writing you back.  That’s all fine.  But if I wrote you now and said “Send me a photo of your family,” I’d hope you’d be very weirded out!  “What is this dog doing?  Why does she want my family photo?  Something’s weird here!”

Similarly, if you met someone online, and they say they want to meet in person, then okay, I’m all for it (as long as you do it in a way where you know you’re safe).  Or if they ask for a photo, just to see what you look like.  But he’s asking for nudes.  That’s not what you showed up for.  (And certainly no one has any trouble finding photos of naked people online; even Vladimir Putin can be seen wearing hardly anything!).  No, he’s asking you to do something you’re very uncomfortable with, and I’m VERY VERY VERY VERY glad you said no!

You did the right thing.  Now if he asked if you’d be up for that and you said no, and he said, “Okay, sorry if I offended, I was just wondering,” and went right back to being the guy he’d been before, I’d say “fine, big deal.”  It’d be like when my human Handsome is cooking food and I come by asking for some and he says no, for whatever reason.  He shouldn’t be angry at me for asking, but I should also accept his answer (well… after trying a little!).

But second, what really hurts here is that this guy’s behavior adds to your experience of not being wanted for yourself.  And sure, it hurts to see your friends in relationships, I get that.  It’s like when I was in the pound, seeing other dogs get bought by people while I was left there to just sit in a cage… and eventually, maybe, far worse.

Now I wish I could tell you exactly how to find that great boyfriend, and get into a healthy relationship.  And I can’t.  But I can tell you one thing – getting Continue reading

0 How to deal with a can’t-live-with-can’t-live-without relationship

Sauvik asks: I am trapped in a relationship where I can’t even come out of it. I am in a situation where I am not happy without my girlfriend and also with her. What should I do?

Hi Sauvik –

I’m sure you’ve heard lots of songs that talk about your situation.  One of my favorites goes

I don’t like you

But I love you

Seems that I’m always

Thinking of you

Oh oh oh you treat me badly

I love you madly

You’ve really got a hold on me

Now maybe things aren’t as bad as you’re making them sound, but if you truly can’t be happy in this relationship, then I want you to think about anyone you’ve ever seen who struggles with an Continue reading