Melanin asks: I am a 21-year-old lady who got into a relationship with a 24-yr-old gentleman for 5 months, and now he mentions he was scared to let me know he was already in 3 other relationships, but he decided to choose me so he’s working on ending the rest. And now I find myself liking a high school crush of mine again who appeared recently and treating me all nicely, saying he’s serious about me and want us to have a serious relationship. I don’t know what to do. How can you help me?
Hi Melanin –
You’re in that crazy situation I dream of, where someone puts a pizza on the floor at one end of a room, and someone else puts a lamb chop on the floor at the other end, and I have to decide which way to run. Especially as I know that the one I don’t run to might disappear if I don’t pick it!
The funny thing about these dreams is that I don’t know if they’re good or bad dreams! Sure, they’re frustrating, but at the same time, I either get pizza or lamb (or maybe both!). So there’s nothing really bad in them, right?
Now, you’re very confused and frustrated in this situation. But I think you can look at it in a different way, and see it as a delightful treat. The man you’ve been with has a problem with fidelity and honesty; he’s been great with you, but he was keeping three other women secret, right? Then this other man has never treated you in any particular way, but he’s saying he wants to pursue you, and you’ve always had a crush on him.
So why not tell your current boyfriend that you’re going to treat him just the way he’s treated you – you’re going to date more than one man at the same time. And if he does break up with those women, and proves himself better than this other guy, then you’ll become his girlfriend again.
And tell the crush that you’ve been in a semi-relationship with this other man, and would like to continue to see where it leads, but would be glad for him to take you out at the same time.
And — and this part is very important — make it clear to both men that you WILL eventually decide to get into a committed relationship with one of them, or break up with both. You won’t make this a long-term game and just keep toying with them like a cat with a bird.
Now if you do this, sure, you’ll miss out on some of the nice parts about a committed relationship for a while. But at the same time, you’ll be pursued by two awesome guys, both trying to outdo the other, and you’ll get to feel the joy of being the powerful one (unlike the way one feels having a high school crush, or finding out your boyfriend has three other women!).
But, like the pizza and lamb, could something go wrong? Absolutely.
And that might prove to be the best thing about this whole deal.
Let’s say one of the guys says “No way, I’m not going to be treated like that! If you can’t commit to me on faith, then forget it, I want nothing to do with you!” Well, my friend, that will mean you’ve dodged a bullet! You will have found out that that guy is bitter and vindictive, and doesn’t really care about your feelings. It will be the best possible result of this whole story!
So I’d say to go for both. Maybe even give them a time limit “I promise I’ll get out of this two-relationship thing by New Year’s” or whatever works.
My guess is, there’s a really good chance you’ll figure out what you need to within a few weeks. The one guy will not be as interested in you as he advertises, or the other won’t be as good at dropping those other women as he thinks.
But in the meantime, how nice to be fought over! In fact, I don’t know your diet, but maybe you could fulfill MY fantasy, and have one of the guys take you out for a great pizza, and the other to a restaurant where they serve lamb! YOU’D TRULY BE LIVING MY DREAM!!!
Have fun with this!