1 Is it better to break up before a long-distance relationship or after

meghna asks: I was in this relationship with a guy for past 6 months.. We have always been close. He said he loved me, I didn’t say it back, because I know it is something that is developed after a while. But a few days ago I started overthinking and I realized that in next one and a half years, I’ll be going away for my college, he will be having his own career, and we’d be in a long-distance relationship… for 5 years? Impossible, and breaking up and that time would be way worse than breaking up right now 🙁 So I broke up with him a week ago.. I felt miserable doing this. He is my everything. We both cried for hours together before leaving each other. He is not able to understand that we would be separated later and thinks I’m doing this for no reason. He has been begging me to come back. Of course I still have feelings for him, but should I go back to him? Or should I leave it at this? I don’t know what to do. I’m just a ball of confusion right now!

Hi meghna –

Oh my dear, this is such a common problem!  People fall in love in high school, planning to go to college or university, and this problem is pretty much guaranteed.  I’ve known cases where they actually stayed together through the whole time, where they split up, but got back together when they missed each other and were lonely, and where they ended up going to the same school in order to stay together.

And while I’ve known exceptions, the truth is that, in almost all these cases, eventually they broke up.

And here’s the tough fact – it really wasn’t because of the long distance.  It’s because you’re still young when you’re in high school.  You don’t feel it – you feel so much older than you were when you were younger, and you’re right.  But there’s still a long way to go.  So while some couples do get together that young and stay together, most people change too much after age eighteen to stay with the person who was perfect for them then.

But this isn’t really the answer to your question, is it?  I’m just arguing it might be the most important consideration to include when you do answer it!

If you assume that you and he will change over time, then you have a few choices.  For example, you could Continue reading

0 How to find out the feelings of someone when you were afraid to tell her yours

rvineet_vr7 asks: I need a big favour from you. I loved a girl and proposed to her. She said no and told me she is committed. And after a month nearly she told me that it was a lie. One of our mutual friends liked her. So to avoid any fight she said so, though I was not convinced with it at all. Time passed and after 4 months we started meeting again due to common tuitions. We became best friends. One day she suddenly asked me if I still have feelings for her. I said yes. She asked if my feelings were genuine, I said yes but I don’t care if she commits with me or someone else (I don’t know why I said that too). She asked me for a final time if I really don’t care with a low voice, I said I’ll let her know tomorrow. Days and days passed and I wasn’t able to gather courage to tell her how much I love her. Then one fine day she told me she had been committed with someone for past 2.5 years. And she then left the tuition and me on my own. I was broken. Then I tried my level best to get her out of my mind but can’t. Don’t tell me with time I will heal because it’s been more than 3 years now. We are still in touch as we are neighbors and talk normally as if nothing ever happened. Please man I need a great help from you to revive me back to life because I know she is the best one for me.

Hi rvineet_vr7 –

What a sad sad story!  I’m so sorry you’ve gone through this.  And yes, I’d love to see it go a better direction!

I can give you a suggestion, but of course I can’t guarantee it’ll work.

First of all, though, about what’s already happened:  You’re right, you should have told her the truth about your feelings.  But what you did makes sense – those feelings felt so delicate, and you didn’t know how she’d react to them, and so it was really scary.

It’s like when I was in the dog pound and every human who’d come by would look into the cage where I lived with four other puppies, and each time they walked past, not wanting us, it broke our hearts.  To the point where some of us just stopped trying; someone would walk by and the pup wouldn’t even look up.  And even when the human who eventually bought me, Handsome, first checked me out, he didn’t take me then; it was a couple of days later that he came back and took me.

But this wasn’t just another person who you wanted to love you – it was THE one.  So yeah, I wish you’d spoken up, but I get it.

And second – I don’t know that I trust her about this 2.5 year relationship.  She’d already told you it wasn’t true, and that she had just said it to protect your friend.  Then she asked you your feelings – numerous times – and then  she opened up and said it’s real?  Most people in committed relationships are very public about them – they talk about them all the time, change their Status on social media, all that stuff.  And she wouldn’t even keep the story straight?  So I think there’s something else going on.

Now what that something is, I don’t know.  It might be that she’s had someone in her life for all that time who she hasn’t felt all that committed to – and has considered leaving them for you or someone else, but now, since you’ve said you’re not all that interested in her (I know that’s not exactly what you said, but she probably heard it that way), she’s using it as a shield against being hurt.  Or it might be that there isn’t anyone at all, and she just says it when it suits her.

Either way, though, my advice to you is the same:  Continue reading

0 How to avoid hookups on dating apps

Vijjju asks: I joined Tinder but I don’t know what I am looking for! In the sense that I don’t know what I am ready for – a hookup or a serious relationship. I don’t believe in hookup culture, because I’m the type of girl who gets attached very easily, and for a serious relationship, people tell me Tinder is not the place. A couple of guys texted me and they suggested I not trust in some random guys in Tinder as they are there just to have fun, not something serious. To be frank (Don’t judge please) I am very attention craving (maybe), asking for someone to care for me. So what do I do now?

Hi Vijjju –

You think a dog would judge you for being attention-craving?  My friend, you don’t know enough dogs!  We’re all that way!

Well I’m no expert on dating apps, but I have heard there’s another one called Bumble that might be more to your liking.  It works like Tinder, but instead of the guy beginning the contact, it’s the girl who does.  And for some reason, that’s proven to make the site more of a place to find relationships instead of hookups.

I agree that, as you get attached, hookups just aren’t going to be your thing.  Try out Bumble and see if that works better for you.  And if not, ask around about other apps and websites.

But in the meantime, as long as you’re on Tinder, just make sure that you write in your profile “Not interested in hookups.”  You’ll get fewer texts, but the texts you won’t get are exactly the ones you don’t want!!

BEST OF LUCK my friend!  I’m hoping you find someone soon, and it’s all great, and then you start to freak out about something in the relationship – which means you have to write me about it!!!

Cheers,
Shirelle

0 How to prepare for what might go wrong in a relationship.

Soumyaguna asks: Hello… I’ve been in a relationship for two years. We were from the same city but were staying in different cities. So for 2 years we didn’t meet each other, just would talk on calls and messages, and only the last few months have started meeting each other. So after 6-7 meetings, he is asking for me to stay one day with him. As every time he travels to meet me and than goes back. So is it right to stay? I’m frightened a bit. I’m from a family where I’m not allowed to go anywhere alone. So I couldn’t meet him. But he is a very nice guy; he waited for me for two years. And he wants to get closer (emotionally and physically), and I want it too. But I’m afraid if something goes wrong!

Hi Soumyaguna –

So if I’m understanding correctly, you’re not worried at all about his intentions, but just wanting to make sure nothing goes wrong if he moves closer to you.

Well, I have good news and bad news for you.

First the good – this guy has stayed interested in you for two and a half years, and he wants to get closer.  If you think you want things to go right, I promise you, he wants the same, maybe more than you do!

And second the bad – things will  go wrong.   It’s a guarantee.

Now when I say things will go wrong, do I mean that he’ll move to your city and you two will see too much of each other and get bored with each other and one of you will want to move on and meet someone else?

Maybe.

Or will you two get even closer and then right before your wedding, one of you gets scared of the commitment and does something stupid one night that will be hard for the other one to forgive?

Maybe.

Or will you get married and have a few children, and one of them will be born with physical and emotional disabilities that will put a huge strain on everyone in your family?

Maybe.

Or will you live in complete joy together and have a great happy family and then one day, when you’re much older, one of you gets ill and passes on, and the other is so grief-stricken they can never fully enjoy life again?

Maybe.

Here’s my point, Soumyaguna.  The only way to avoid things going wrong is to not live.  Life is full of hurt and disappointment and loss.  It’s also full of everything we love and adore and cherish.

This guy has proven that he’s willing to do whatever he can to make things work.  That’s the best anyone can hope for – a partner who will try.  If you and he both devote yourselves to each other and the relationship, it’s almost guaranteed to be a raging success.  But that will mean accepting some things each of you doesn’t like, and going through some painful experiences together, and a lot of compromise and forgiveness.

My human friend Handsome bought me at a dog pound, where I would have been killed the next day.  I was a horrible puppy, biting him and destroying his things all the time.  And he made a bunch of mistakes with me too (my tail still hurts when I remember the day he shut it in the car door!).

But no two beings have ever been happier with each other, or loved each other more, than he and I today.  We did the work.

In fact, if there’s anything for you to be legitimately afraid of, it’s all the work that his moving there will create.  Relationships are certainly easier at a distance.

But along with all that work comes so much joy and discovery.

I envy you the adventure you’re about to begin.  Find the joy in it, and you’ll feel like you’re bathing in chocolate sauce!

Shirelle

0 How to avoid thinking about an ex you don’t want.

Vijjju asks: Hey, sometimes I remember my ex and start thinking about all those memories. He cheated on me thrice, but still those good memories don’t fade away once and for all. I have been doing well these days, but now this is exam time, where I have to concentrate on studies, instead of all these thoughts haunting me. I don’t want to get back with him. Please help me.

Hi Vijjju –

When I started your letter, I began to groan – oh no, she’s going to go back to this guy?  But then I got to the end, and my tail started wagging so much I knocked Handsome’s coffee off the table.  I am SO GLAD you don’t want to get back with him!

And you don’t have to.  Ever.

But I understand you having this feeling that you might.  It’s like an addict being afraid they’ll give in one night and have another cigarette or drink, no matter how much they want to stay off of them.

Years ago, my human friend Handsome had that fear about an ex of his.  He also wondered how it would feel if he found out she was going to get married – would he be jealous, hurt, feel a failure?  And sure enough, one day she phoned him and told him she was engaged.  And from deep down inside him, a voice came up, saying “Oh thank God!”  At last she was off the market and he knew he’d never get involved with her again!

I’m guessing you’re in a similar situation.  You know better, but you don’t trust yourself to not get back with him.

Well, I have a funny suggestion.  If you had lots of free time, I’d say to socialize more, meet more guys, and fill your life so much you forget about him.  But you’re in exams.  So you don’t have nearly enough time for that.

But you do have a little.  I’m going to suggest you Continue reading

0 How to deal with a boyfriend or girlfriend who makes you jealous.

Rose16 asks: I feel like my boyfriend craves to be around other women. I’m really clingy and we have been together for 5 years .. we set up rules and he breaks them and its allowed but when I break rules, he threatens to leave. I have pointed this out to him and he says “You should’ve dumped me when I did it then so it’s your fault” .. I feel that he is very manipulative .. and I am under his spell. Don’t get me wrong, he is always there for me and we have great times together. We get each other’s sense of humour but he completely lacks empathy. He doesn’t care if something he does hurts me as long as he isn’t cheating. The only time he hurts me is when it has to do with another girl. Guys usually don’t understand girls .. we are in our early twenties and girls at that age are easy and sneaky and I check his messages to let him know that certain things he says are triggers for these girls because he doesn’t see the moves they make so he would be lured in the sense of .. if they asked for a lift or a favour then he would do it no questions asked. I probably sound crazy but I let some things go in the past and it made me cry for days because he couldn’t see what was happening and I was right every time about each girl. He deleted a whole lot of text messages from one girl the other day and told me he did it because he didn’t want me to check his messages anymore. There is so much more though. I feel like my heart is too weak to get heartbroken .. even if it is a tiny heartbreak each time. It’s building up and I just want to scream. Do I really wanna throw 5 years away even if I don’t think he is cheating??

Hi Rose16 –

Okay, as seems to happen a lot these days, I’m going to give you two answers.  All based on one question: Do you truly believe he’s actually pursuing these other women?

The reason I ask is that a while back, Handsome had met a girl we both thought was The One.  They’d been friends years earlier, and re-connected over a shared interest… in caring for dogs!  Everything seemed perfect, but she started to get very suspicious about his feelings about some exes of his.  And one in particular who he still worked with.  Now maybe that ex was manipulating things just as you describe these other girls doing, but he wasn’t remotely thinking about cheating or getting back with her.  But every time he’d speak to her or go to work with her, his girlfriend would flip out in jealousy.  Eventually, it broke them up.  Which was especially goofy, as the ex soon left that workplace and never saw him again.

So if there’s a chance that that’s going on, then the work that needs to be done is in you – to deal with your insecurities and jealousies.  Again, you may be totally right about those other girls.  But if your boyfriend is faithful, and just trying to avoid conflict with you, he might be worth holding onto.

On the other hand, though… “You should have dumped me then so it’s your fault?!”  Oh I don’t like Continue reading

0 Should I choose the one I love who doesn’t pay attention to me, or the one who does who I don’t care for?

Stellababy asks: I have two guys in life, Mr. A and Mr. B. I really love Mr. A with all my life – anytime we meet I do have a great time with him – but unfortunately he doesn’t have time for me. He doesn’t call or chat with me, he’s always busy with his work… On the other hand Mr. B, whom I don’t love, cares for me and pays attention to anything that concerns me. What should I do? Continue to wait for Mr. A. the one my heart beats for, or should I pretend to love Mr. B?

Hi Stellababy  –

I need to give you two answers, based on two different possibilities.

One is that Mr. A loves and cares for you, but he just gets lost in his work.  If that’s the case, then your job is to let him know that he really needs to connect with you, or he’s going to lose you.  That you adore him, but need him to show his feelings more.

If this is the case, things will almost certainly get much better soon – although, sometime in the future, you’ll find you have to go through all this again.  He’s not a bad guy, but this is the way he tends to be.

A few years ago, my human Handsome was working on a big project, and was gone for about eighteen hours a day for three weeks.  He’d come home at night and collapse exhausted, and barely even pet me. And I just had to live with it, putting all my focus onto other things (luckily there were some rats in our neighbors’ yard who I got completely obsessed with!).  But his first day home, I was eager for some good attention.  And what did he do?  Oh, he sat on the floor with three weeks worth of mail, and focused completely on paperwork!  I was furious.  But what could I do about it?   Well, he had this white couch then, and would never let me get onto it.  So I just walked by him, stepped on his papers to get his attention, and climbed right up onto it, staring him in the eyes as I did.  He jumped up, yelled at me to get off it – and suddenly woke up to reality.  He left the paperwork there, and took me outside to play catch and run around together.

So if it’s this first situation, you just might need a white couch!

But if it’s the second?  If Mr. A. really doesn’t care about you, and isn’t interested?

If that’s the case, I have a thought.  Have you ever learned about Continue reading

0 When your boyfriend isn’t paying enough attention to you

Bubblegum asks: Presently I have a boyfriend and yes I love him a lot and he also loves me a lot. But the problem is that love is not enough. He never gives me time as he is a student of chemistry honors. Ok he is really busy I understand. But now I don’t know why even when he gets time he doesn’t text me. He never texts me on whatsapp. He told that he has some family problem, but he is always like that. Another boy is there he is really caring romantic and perfect and he even loves me a lot. But as I am in a relationship I can’t start a relationship with him. Yes maybe I also have a soft corner for him. But what can I do?

Hi Bubblegum –

I have a problem here.  I see this all the time with couples.  One member says “We never talk, he calls me maybe once a day,” and the other says “We talk all the time, at least once a day!”  So when you say “he never gives me time,” I wonder what that means.  It sounds like he doesn’t like texting, but is it truly that he’s not giving you time, or that the time he gives isn’t the amount you need?

The big difference between them is about his feelings.  If he adores you, and is giving you all the time he feels he can, then that’s one thing.  But if he’s using his studies as an excuse to avoid you, that’s something very different!

However, the solution is really the same.  You just need to Continue reading

0 How to mentally prepare for a marathon.

Cupcake11 asks: How to prepare yourself mentally for a marathon?

Hi Cupcake 11 –

As a general rule, we pups are sprinters, not long-distance runners.  Yes you might have read, or seen the movie, of Lassie Come Home, where an amazing dog travels countless miles to get to her home, but that’s not our usual story.  And she was walking!

So I need to consider what it would be like to run a marathon, and base it on the more difficult journeys of my life – like hospitalizations or training classes.

Of course, with a marathon, or Lassie’s journey, the most important issue is your physical strength.  Training has to focus on getting your knees and ankles and hamstrings and calves and toes and hips and everything else in you to be so strong they can handle an insanely long journey.

When it comes to the mental side of that training, I would say your big job is to focus your training on the fun side of it (how great it’ll feel to accomplish, and the joyous high one gets from continued exercise) instead of just avoiding failure and pain.  Either mindset will encourage you to train, but one sounds a lot more enjoyable, and makes the training a fun activity instead of a grueling assignment.

But besides the simple physical training, you’re absolutely right, there’s a mental training that’s also necessary, just to get through the long time that a marathon takes.  How do you keep from getting bored?  How do you keep from deciding you have other things to do?  I have no doubt that the easiest way to manage that is to train with others – whether one or two good friends or a big group.  First, being with them will keep you from thinking “No one can do this, I’m gonna quit,” but also they’ll give you someone to share the experience with, “I couldn’t believe it when we’d been sweltering in that heat and suddenly we got flooded with rain!”  And hopefully to have fun talking about, even bragging about, all you’ve done.

And third, I would say to Continue reading

0 Is it best to be strong or not?

PERFECTION asks: Shirelle what do you think about strong people? Not masculine but strong as a person, who handles problems by themselves. I consider myself one of them. I tend to solve everything by myself, endure pain, adapt and fight. But I heard this quote, strong people will have a lot of damage when they fall or somewhat give up. Or does that depend on the person himself?

Hi PERFECTION –

Of course I want you as strong as you can be.  You’re a terrific person, I know from your letters, so the more you’re able to act on your values, the better the world will be (and the happier you will be).

And I suppose it’s true that the stronger a person is, the more others depend on them, so the more loss there is when they fail or lose heart.   But that’s no reason for them not to be out there doing their best.  Think of that super-hero rule, “With great power comes great responsibility.”  Okay, so take the responsibility and do some wonders!

After all, the “damage” that’s done, by their failing to do something good, is just that things go back to the way they’d be if that person had never done anything at all.

Just to pick three examples, Socrates, Jesus, and Gandhi all were enormously strong personalities, who were killed because of their strength.  And that meant that they weren’t able to do what they’d been doing before anymore.  But what they had done has affected the world enormously ever since.  (And of course, for those who believe, at least the second of those has been even more powerful since that death!).

And if you’re thinking, “Hey, I don’t mean THAT strong!  I mean, I’m nowhere near as great as they were!” then my response is simply… how do you know yet?!!

All my best,

Shirelle