Vijjju asks: Hey, sometimes I remember my ex and start thinking about all those memories. He cheated on me thrice, but still those good memories don’t fade away once and for all. I have been doing well these days, but now this is exam time, where I have to concentrate on studies, instead of all these thoughts haunting me. I don’t want to get back with him. Please help me.
Hi Vijjju –
When I started your letter, I began to groan – oh no, she’s going to go back to this guy? But then I got to the end, and my tail started wagging so much I knocked Handsome’s coffee off the table. I am SO GLAD you don’t want to get back with him!
And you don’t have to. Ever.
But I understand you having this feeling that you might. It’s like an addict being afraid they’ll give in one night and have another cigarette or drink, no matter how much they want to stay off of them.
Years ago, my human friend Handsome had that fear about an ex of his. He also wondered how it would feel if he found out she was going to get married – would he be jealous, hurt, feel a failure? And sure enough, one day she phoned him and told him she was engaged. And from deep down inside him, a voice came up, saying “Oh thank God!” At last she was off the market and he knew he’d never get involved with her again!
I’m guessing you’re in a similar situation. You know better, but you don’t trust yourself to not get back with him.
Well, I have a funny suggestion. If you had lots of free time, I’d say to socialize more, meet more guys, and fill your life so much you forget about him. But you’re in exams. So you don’t have nearly enough time for that.
But you do have a little. I’m going to suggest you sign up for a dating website or app.
Make yourself a promise that you won’t go out with anyone you meet there till after the exams are over. But if you do this, you can sit down for a half-hour a day or so and look at lots of guys. Read about them. Who sounds nice to you, who sounds exciting, who sounds perfect? (And who sounds just awful!). Maybe some of them will reach out to you. Then you get to question whether you want to meet them or not. And maybe you can have some fun flirtatious conversation with them.
But here’s the important part – you’ll be dealing with them. And the possibilities, good and bad, that they offer. And the more you deal with them, the less time you’ll have to think about him!
And if the exams finish, and you haven’t found anyone you want to meet in person? Okay, that’s fine, you can just move on in your life (with your great test scores!). And if you have? Then that’s even better!
So again, all my advice is about getting your mind to go to somewhere other than dealing with him. Because you already know he’s not what you want.
And then, when he does show up, you can deal with him from a position of a lot more strength than you’re feeling now.
And that’s exactly what I want!