Is it better to break up before a long-distance relationship or after

meghna asks: I was in this relationship with a guy for past 6 months.. We have always been close. He said he loved me, I didn’t say it back, because I know it is something that is developed after a while. But a few days ago I started overthinking and I realized that in next one and a half years, I’ll be going away for my college, he will be having his own career, and we’d be in a long-distance relationship… for 5 years? Impossible, and breaking up and that time would be way worse than breaking up right now 🙁 So I broke up with him a week ago.. I felt miserable doing this. He is my everything. We both cried for hours together before leaving each other. He is not able to understand that we would be separated later and thinks I’m doing this for no reason. He has been begging me to come back. Of course I still have feelings for him, but should I go back to him? Or should I leave it at this? I don’t know what to do. I’m just a ball of confusion right now!

Hi meghna –



Oh my dear, this is such a common problem!  People fall in love in high school, planning to go to college or university, and this problem is pretty much guaranteed.  I’ve known cases where they actually stayed together through the whole time, where they split up, but got back together when they missed each other and were lonely, and where they ended up going to the same school in order to stay together.



And while I’ve known exceptions, the truth is that, in almost all these cases, eventually they broke up.


And here’s the tough fact – it really wasn’t because of the long distance.  It’s because you’re still young when you’re in high school.  You don’t feel it – you feel so much older than you were when you were younger, and you’re right.  But there’s still a long way to go.  So while some couples do get together that young and stay together, most people change too much after age eighteen to stay with the person who was perfect for them then.


But this isn’t really the answer to your question, is it?  I’m just arguing it might be the most important consideration to include when you do answer it!


If you assume that you and he will change over time, then you have a few choices.  For example, you could say “I’ve pulled the bandage off, it hurt like crazy, but it’s done.  Now we can move forward and not hurt each other anymore,” and that’s great.


But you could also say “Why not stay together until one of us leaves, but agree to break things off then?”  And that’d be okay too.


And you could also say “Let’s actually stay together anyway.  And once we’ve moved apart, and lead separate lives, we can grow apart organically, and break up then, likely with less pain than it is now.  Or not break up, stay together, and become happy grandparents someday!”  (The only important demand I’ll make on you with this one is that if you do it, you must NOT do anything before you two move apart that would create a permanency.  In other words, no marriage, no kids!  Don’t even buy a dog together!)


Any of these choices is fine.  None can guarantee that pain won’t come someday.


But whichever you choose, be glad for the love you two have had.  That’s the most wonderful gift you could have given each other. And all the hurt you’re suffering now, or would suffer later, for breaking up, is just proof that so much of this has been SOOOOO right!


Best of Luck to you both.  I’d love to know what you choose!



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Pankajpoo - January 20, 2019 Reply

Go back to him..maybe you’ll be able to move on.. but he’ll be broken by such decision of yours..and if you love him then just breaking up due to long distance is nowhere correct.. not for you and neither for him.. you both won’t be able to give 100 percent in any work…

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