How to find out the feelings of someone when you were afraid to tell her yours

rvineet_vr7 asks: I need a big favour from you. I loved a girl and proposed to her. She said no and told me she is committed. And after a month nearly she told me that it was a lie. One of our mutual friends liked her. So to avoid any fight she said so, though I was not convinced with it at all. Time passed and after 4 months we started meeting again due to common tuitions. We became best friends. One day she suddenly asked me if I still have feelings for her. I said yes. She asked if my feelings were genuine, I said yes but I don’t care if she commits with me or someone else (I don’t know why I said that too). She asked me for a final time if I really don’t care with a low voice, I said I’ll let her know tomorrow. Days and days passed and I wasn’t able to gather courage to tell her how much I love her. Then one fine day she told me she had been committed with someone for past 2.5 years. And she then left the tuition and me on my own. I was broken. Then I tried my level best to get her out of my mind but can’t. Don’t tell me with time I will heal because it’s been more than 3 years now. We are still in touch as we are neighbors and talk normally as if nothing ever happened. Please man I need a great help from you to revive me back to life because I know she is the best one for me.

Hi rvineet_vr7 –



What a sad sad story!  I’m so sorry you’ve gone through this.  And yes, I’d love to see it go a better direction!


I can give you a suggestion, but of course I can’t guarantee it’ll work.


First of all, though, about what’s already happened:  You’re right, you should have told her the truth about your feelings.  But what you did makes sense – those feelings felt so delicate, and you didn’t know how she’d react to them, and so it was really scary.


It’s like when I was in the dog pound and every human who’d come by would look into the cage where I lived with four other puppies, and each time they walked past, not wanting us, it broke our hearts.  To the point where some of us just stopped trying; someone would walk by and the pup wouldn’t even look up.  And even when the human who eventually bought me, Handsome, first checked me out, he didn’t take me then; it was a couple of days later that he came back and took me.


But this wasn’t just another person who you wanted to love you – it was THE one.  So yeah, I wish you’d spoken up, but I get it.


And second – I don’t know that I trust her about this 2.5 year relationship.  She’d already told you it wasn’t true, and that she had just said it to protect your friend.  Then she asked you your feelings – numerous times – and then  she opened up and said it’s real?  Most people in committed relationships are very public about them – they talk about them all the time, change their Status on social media, all that stuff.  And she wouldn’t even keep the story straight?  So I think there’s something else going on.


Now what that something is, I don’t know.  It might be that she’s had someone in her life for all that time who she hasn’t felt all that committed to – and has considered leaving them for you or someone else, but now, since you’ve said you’re not all that interested in her (I know that’s not exactly what you said, but she probably heard it that way), she’s using it as a shield against being hurt.  Or it might be that there isn’t anyone at all, and she just says it when it suits her.


Either way, though, my advice to you is the same:  Tell her just what you’ve told me.  Yeah, I know it’s hard and scary, but find the courage to do it.  Tell her you’ve been in love with her all along, tell her you were scared to tell her, tell her you’ve been a mess since she left.  Tell her EVERYTHING.


And when you do, one of two things will happen. If your wish comes true, she’ll tell you that she was testing you all along, hoping you’d show more interest in her, and that she feels the same way and has been wishing you’d tell her just this.


And if your wish doesn’t come true, she’ll tell you she’s sorry, but she doesn’t feel the same way toward you, and really does have this other relationship.


And here’s my big point: Either result is better than what you’re living in now.  If the first happens, of course, that’s great news and you can become the happiest couple on the planet!  But if the second happens, you can move on.


Yeah, I said “move on.”  Just what you asked me not to say.  And you were right – it’s too soon to move on now.  You’d never forgive yourself for not having tried as hard as you can – and that means to tell her, because it’s the one big thing you haven’t done.


But if she truly shuts you down, then yes, you’ll need to move on.  But only then will you know she truly doesn’t return your feelings.  And at that point you can cry and bang your head against a wall and listen to sad songs and drive your friends nuts talking about her and all those things that people do… before they can move on to what’s next.


And there will be something next.  Someone next.


Just as there was when I was in the pound.  Will she be like all those people who walked on and never came back?  Or will she prove to be like Handsome and come around and make your life pure joy?


I don’t know.  But either way, it’s time to stop blaming yourself for not having told her… and do it now instead!




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