Stellababy asks: I have two guys in life, Mr. A and Mr. B. I really love Mr. A with all my life – anytime we meet I do have a great time with him – but unfortunately he doesn’t have time for me. He doesn’t call or chat with me, he’s always busy with his work… On the other hand Mr. B, whom I don’t love, cares for me and pays attention to anything that concerns me. What should I do? Continue to wait for Mr. A. the one my heart beats for, or should I pretend to love Mr. B?
Hi Stellababy –
I need to give you two answers, based on two different possibilities.
One is that Mr. A loves and cares for you, but he just gets lost in his work. If that’s the case, then your job is to let him know that he really needs to connect with you, or he’s going to lose you. That you adore him, but need him to show his feelings more.
If this is the case, things will almost certainly get much better soon – although, sometime in the future, you’ll find you have to go through all this again. He’s not a bad guy, but this is the way he tends to be.
A few years ago, my human Handsome was working on a big project, and was gone for about eighteen hours a day for three weeks. He’d come home at night and collapse exhausted, and barely even pet me. And I just had to live with it, putting all my focus onto other things (luckily there were some rats in our neighbors’ yard who I got completely obsessed with!). But his first day home, I was eager for some good attention. And what did he do? Oh, he sat on the floor with three weeks worth of mail, and focused completely on paperwork! I was furious. But what could I do about it? Well, he had this white couch then, and would never let me get onto it. So I just walked by him, stepped on his papers to get his attention, and climbed right up onto it, staring him in the eyes as I did. He jumped up, yelled at me to get off it – and suddenly woke up to reality. He left the paperwork there, and took me outside to play catch and run around together.
So if it’s this first situation, you just might need a white couch!
But if it’s the second? If Mr. A. really doesn’t care about you, and isn’t interested?
If that’s the case, I have a thought. Have you ever learned about Behavioristic Psychology? That’s the stuff where they put a rat or a dog in a cage, and train it to do things by feeding or shocking it? One thing they’ve learned well is that an animal will do what you want a lot of the time if you always reward it in a nice way for the behavior you want, and punish it for the behavior you don’t want; but it will do what you want much more if you DON’T always reward them, if you get it a little crazed. This is why slot machines do so well at gambling casinos – people will spend hours, and all their money, trying to get a jackpot out of a box that only usually gives them a little of their money back!
Well it sounds to me like this guy has mastered this! He ignores you, then comes back, and you’re smitten over him. Like you can’t live without him.
My friend, I’m here to tell you… Yes You Can! I’ve watched people quit cigarettes, alcohol, and much harsher drugs. And I’ve been trained not to jump on people when I meet them, which every instinct in me tells me to do.
You deserve someone to treat you well. And, while you haven’t said much about Mr. B., I’m guessing he would treat you better than Mr. A. LOTS better. And that he’d make a far better partner for you long-term.
You asked me if you should pretend to love Mr. B. Well, that sounds a little dangerous (both of you could get very hurt if you faked love for him) but what I’d rather see is you love yourself enough to demand that you’re treated better than that rat in that cage who starts shaking in madness from being mistreated. I’d like to see you own the fact that you’re deserving of faithfulness and honor and love. And doing that might just make you appreciate Mr. B. enough to start to love him, for real.
So your big job is to determine which of these scenarios is actually going on. Once you do, then please just do what you think is best, to make demands or kick Mr. A. out the door, and try Mr. B. out. And if that doesn’t work, then maybe to even find someone else.
Anyway, those are my thoughts. I wish you the very very best, whatever you find, and whatever you choose.
All my love,