Category Archives for "Teens"

0 Is it wrong to be bothered by my boyfriend hanging out with other people all the time?

kiara123 asks: Hey! I’ve been with this boy for almost 2 years now. We’re long distance and I feel like I’ve started to become toxic. I love him a lot but I don’t understand why I get jealous when he’s out partying or planning trips with his friends. I have no friends at all so I think I don’t understand how life really is with friends. I know all these feelings are wrong and toxic but I just don’t know how to help it. I try really hard to make myself understand that it’s ok and I never tell him what to do. I don’t wanna be a controlling girlfriend and I want him to be happy but I can’t seem to get rid of this miserable feeling. His friends drink and smoke a lot and are kind of cheap so that makes me a bit insecure. There are a couple of things that bother me besides this. He uses Snapchat a lot and that’s fine by me. He can snap anybody he wants but he doesn’t send me snaps. I think he sends snaps to everyone except me and that hurts. He does send me a snap separately but it’s just a black screen. It’s not like I wanna know what he’s doing or where he is, it’s just that i don’t want him sending snaps to people and not me.

Hi kiara123 –

I can really relate!  When Handsome goes out to work or to meet with friends, he almost always locks me in the yard.  Sure, he gives me a goodbye kiss and tells me how much he cares about me – but then he heads off and does whatever with all these other people, and sometimes with other dogs!  Do I think he’s purposely being mean to me?  No.  Do I think he’s doing anything out there that would upset me?  No.

But do I like it when he does it?  ABSOLUTELY NOT!

Now in my case, he often doesn’t have a choice.  There are laws about where he can and can’t take a dog.  But that’s not true for you.  So in your case, I have a question:

Why can’t you be there?

If he’s hanging out with all-male groups, especially if they’re doing things you don’t like, okay, I can see that.  But the rest of the time, why is he leaving you behind? 

And I’m asking sincerely.  It might be that he would like to have you around, but feels you would be unhappy there, or make him feel bad for having the fun he’s having.  And if that’s the case, maybe it’s something you could adjust.  For example, while you might not drink or smoke, if you’re with him when he’s doing that, you could be the designated driver, helping everyone get home safely and without any legal trouble.

Or is it that he’s excluding you?  Is he choosing to go out with others, and send pictures to others, keeping you out of it all, for some reason of his own?  If so, I think it would make a lot of sense for you to find out why!  It doesn’t make you a “controlling girlfriend” to ask him.  In fact, it could help your relationship along, by helping you understand him better.

And I’ll throw in another thought.  Maybe it’s time for you to get some friends of your own.  Not that they’d be against your relationship with him, but just friendships alongside it.  So you’d have people to talk with and go out with as well.  Just because you haven’t had such friendships doesn’t mean you couldn’t get some now!

But regardless of that, see if you can get to the bottom of why he’s doing these things.  Just because I’m locked in with no one to talk to but the squirrels and birds doesn’t mean you have to be!

All my best,

Shirelle

0 Beauty and The Best … remembering my friend Dilla

            I hate loss.  All dogs do.  We don’t even like it when our humans leave home for a few hours, locking us in.  But that’s because we’re so afraid you’re not going to come back!  Ever!

            And what we hate worst is when someone doesn’t come back.  When we lose someone we love, never to see them again.

            In some cases, that includes missing the music of their laughter, or even the charm and beauty of their face.  But not always.  Sometimes we can lose someone who made the worst sounds, and looked, well, kinda ugly.  And that loss can hurt just as much, if not more, because in those cases all we felt for them was love.  Pure love. 

            That was my wonderful friend Dilla.

            I met Dilla when he was left to stay “for just a little while” at my neighbors’ home.  Their son and his girlfriend had adopted this little pup, but then broke up, so neither had a place to keep him anymore.  The son knew his parents were great dog lovers (And oh they are!  Handsome sometimes worries I love them even more than him!  I don’t, but I am crazy about them, and just adore making him worry about it!), and figured they’d take good care of him till he was able to get a place of his own that would accept dogs.

            Well, you’ve probably heard that old line about “Be careful what you wish for; you just might get it!”?

            That young man’s parents fell so hard in love with Dilla – and he with them – that, by the time he had an appropriate home, it was too late.  Dilla was theirs and they were his, and he would only be able to see his pup on visits from then on!

            Now all this sounds pretty normal, right?  We dogs attach easily, and our hearts are big enough to hold more than just one person or household inside. 

            What wasn’t normal was Dilla.

            This was a family that had always had, and loved, big beautiful dogs.  Labrador Retrievers and such – noble beasts who can protect you, hunt with you, and wrestle with you with joy and gusto.  Dilla was maybe a sixth their size, with tiny delicate feet at the end of his spindly legs, so everyone had to be extra-careful in petting him.  His body wasn’t a long lean runner’s figure like mine; his was more… well, his people usually referred to it as a “lima bean.”

            And his face?  Well, that’s where things get more serious.  To most people’s eyes, Dilla’s was as ugly a mug as exists.  Big eyes bugging diagonally, a shoved-in nose, and a mouth all full of fleshiness, with a tongue that stuck out the side.  Handsome described his look as “Like someone ripped the wings off of a bat!”  Could anyone love such a face?

            Everyone did.  At first sight.

            Why was that?  Sure he was a sweet, playful pup, but there was more to it.  Dilla’s homeliness brought out a squeeze in the hearts of everyone who met him.  While a Maltese or Pekinese might look more pretty, it was Dilla who everyone always wanted to pick up and hug.  As if, maybe, just the right hug could bring out the beauty in the beast.  (But no, none ever did!)

            Now, there’s a lot people can learn from Dilla.  Sure, all humans love beauty.  But they love the beautiful in a mixture of awe, respect, and desire.  Beauty isn’t endearing.  (You don’t look at a photo of Selena Gomez or the Hemsworths and feel “awwwwwww.”  But you might at a shriveled little old man with a walker!).  What made Dilla endear so much was how true he was to himself, and how much he accepted his appearance.  He didn’t pull back and ask if you thought he was good-looking enough; he ran to you, snorted, licked you out of the side of his mouth, and dropped a drooly toy into your lap, demanding you play with him.

            (Handsome says, in his book about me, that one of my strengths is that I know how to “Initiate Play.”  But Dilla demanded it!  An at-least equal strength!)

            A beautiful rose in a garden sits there, waiting for you to see and appreciate it.  A beautiful woman or man at a bar might do the same.  But Dilla’s energy didn’t allow for that – it exploded at you, taking you over, changing you, winning you into his world of growling pretend fury (he was not one to cheerfully fetch a ball and ask you to toss it again; he would roar at the ball, then tug-of-war with you before letting you have it, and then bark at you to throw it – everything gruff, everything adorable – and I have no words for the ways he would pretend-fight with his original best-human-friend.  Imagine raging violence with no actual harm done, all pure love – that’s about as well as I can describe it).  His fury was love, and his love was furious.  And when he was done with you, you were the same way!

            Dilla lived a full and joyous life, loved by all.  Unlike so many of us, he wasn’t felled by cancer or an accident; he kept snorting and growling and chasing till one day his body just gave out.  He’d gone blind and deaf, and was sleeping almost all day, but still his spirit never faltered.

            And soon after he went, it rained.  It rained in Southern California in August.  Please understand, it NEVER rains in Southern California in August!  In the middle of a drought, no less! 

            Some may say it was the angels weeping for Dilla.  But I say no – it was Dilla laughing, peeing on all the trees everywhere, making mud when no one expected it, maybe even making some people slip and mess up their clothes.

            With the message he always gave:  Be yourself so passionately that even your ugly is beautiful.  Love so strongly you make others love what you do.  And furiously grab life for all you can.

            Good night my beautiful friend.  And thank you.

0 What to do when you hate your father and think all men will be like him

Soumyaguna asks:

My problem is somewhat serious and hard to handle.

It’s about my father

Father has always been a Hero figure for almost every kid since their childhood reflecting strength and having a back every time and Mother being the righteous figure of nature, morals and ethics.

But for me these figures didn’t last long, not even 10 years.

I don’t know why my men are so dominating. My father may be a good father, but he was never a good MAN, husband or anything.

He became my example of how men are from the start, which I used to hate a lot.

Later I tried a lot to change my perception and try to understand him, but whenever I try to do so, I end up releasing new facts about him which leads me to hate him even more. 

This man has always tortured my mother mentally, hurts her, disrespects her. Whenever it has been in front of me, I have always stood by her like a pillar and yelled at him a lot of times. 

But every time he starts off idiot drama by saying, “yes when I’ll die, everything will be sorted.”

I’m always alone in this fight.

My mother doesn’t speak up for herself fearing maybe he’ll harm himself and things will go worse.

My elder sister also keeps mum fearing what if they part their ways.

But I’m not okay with any of this, why will she suffer every time. Whenever he is angry, frustrated, he takes it out on mother. He disrespects her so freaking much.

And above all this he talks nicely about mother’s friends, he kind of flirts with them too.

such an insult he is for me. 

I’m ashamed that this man is my father

I want to take a way out, I don’t know what to do.

I want my mother happy, I even want my father to actually die.

Please help me in taking out a solution which will be good for everyone.

Hi Soumyaguna –

I’m so sorry you have to deal with this.  In a way you’re dealing with something everyone has to go through, but you’ve got an especially awful case of it.

Children and Puppies are born programmed to trust and idolize the humans that care for them.  They believe those adults are perfect, because if they don’t, the world is too terrifying for them to survive. 

In dogs, this belief might last an entire lifetime.  In humans, though, we count on it going away eventually.  This usually happens in the teen years, when humans start questioning all sorts of authority – their teachers, their religions, their governments… and especially their parents.  We hear about it all the time, teens rebelling for no reason, driving parents nuts with their sullenness or anger.  “It’s a phase.”  Right?

Well in your case, no, it’s more than a phase.  You have some real problems about your father, and about your parents’ marriage.  And it drives you nuts that you haven’t been able to solve them.

And here’s the awful news.  Most likely, you can’t. 

Your mother has chosen to stay in this relationship, for whatever reasons she has.  And whether it’s due to his creating fear of him hurting himself, or just because she feels she doesn’t deserve (or can’t get) something better, that has kept this dynamic going.

But you do have a job here.  The job every person has in their family.  The job of making a life that’s better than the one you were born into.

In many cases, parents work terribly hard at jobs they hate so they can send their children to school to get better and better-paying jobs.  In others, parents dream of their kids living healthier lives than theirs. 

In your case, your job is to find – and create – better relationships than this. 

I promise you, all men aren’t like your dad.  (At the very least, I can tell you that my human, Handsome, is kind and generous to a fault, especially to me!)  There are men out there who are kind and nurturing and loyal and want nothing more than to make their partners and children happy. 

In fact… are you sitting down?…  MOST men are like that!

Your job – and it might be a lifelong struggle – will be to build relationships with men that aren’t like your parents’ marriage.  It won’t be easy.  You’ll find a guy who seems great and then for some reason starts acting just like your dad.  Can you change him?  Or do you have to leave?  You’ll have to decide those things for yourself.  (And just to be clear, even if you end up having romantic/sexual relationships with women instead, you will still have many other kinds of relationships with men – as coworkers, as neighbors, as family, maybe your sons!)

But no matter what, I promise you, a better life lies ahead.  And as you create it, your mother will watch you and, even if she can’t say it in words, her heart will be so happy to see what you accomplish.  And who knows, maybe over time your creating a better life might even inspire your dad to change his ways, at least a little.

It’s happened before!

So go forward with hope and love.  You can do this!

All my best,

Shirelle

0 What to do when another girl answers his phone

Juicybest asks:

I’m in a new relationship that’s barely up to a month, I called my boyfriend three days ago at night; a girl picked up his call and started asking me who I am.  In the background I could hear him telling her to stop and give the phone back… do you think I should let go of the relationship?

Hi Juicybest –

Okay, as a dog I have a pretty limited imagination, and even I can come up with a few scenarios for this situation:  She’s his sister, she’s his ex who was there trying to win him back, she’s a friend who thought this was funny, she’s… 

I don’t know.  And neither do you.

But you do know someone who does know, who knows everything you want to know: 

HIM!

I can’t guarantee that what he says will be true, but the only way for you to comfortably move forward is to ask him what was going on.

But wait – this happened three days before you wrote me?  What’s he said in the meantime?  Have you guys talked?  At all?  Has he offered any sort of explanation?  Have you confronted him on this?

If you can let me know what he’s said (if anything), I might be able to help more.  But for now, just give him a chance to respond.  Then, if his response stinks… sure, throw him out with the garbage!  But if it’s okay and sounds believable?  Maybe he deserves your trust for at least a bit more.

Good Luck!

Shirelle

0 Is it okay to prefer to be alone?

Scarlett4 asks:

I am taking care of myself, but sometimes I feel like not to talk to anyone, just simply be in my company? Is it bad that I am loving this phase of staying alone manifesting and doing things of my own?

Hi Scarlett4 –

My friend, no one has ever been more social than your friend Shirelle.  I love my human friends, my doggy friends, and strangers of all species.  To me, waking in the morning is an invitation to excitement, my chance to meet, to interact, to jump on and lick everyone possible!

But that doesn’t mean that I don’t also love time alone.  Sitting in the yard watching for squirrels, or just sleeping under a tree.  Or, my greatest love, spending long afternoons and evenings with Handsome, watching him work or playing catch or taking walks or just lying nearby, loving feeling him close at hand.

Everyone needs both – time with others and time alone.  And no two beings are exactly alike.  Some people are called Extroverts, because most of their energy is about (and created by) others.  While others are called Introverts, as they are usually happiest (and charged up by being) alone.  There is nothing better or worse about either.  Politicians and salespeople pretty much have to be extroverts, while authors and composers have to be introverts. 

The only thing wrong with spending your time alone, my friend, is if you do it so much that you lose the ability to be comfortable with others.  So do spend some time in the company of other people.  But if you mostly like being alone, and are productive and happy when you are – no one has the right to tell you that’s wrong. 

And this puppy sure won’t try!

All my best,

Shirelle

2 Fido Fitness …a guide to Canine Cardio, and more!

            The restrictions are lifting.  People can go to restaurants again.  Even to the movies (I haven’t seen it yet but from everything I’m hearing, “In the Heights” is a must!).  And you guys can start playing sports and dancing and…

            Wait, what?  You can’t run or floss?  But I heard the rules were all…

            Ohhhhh…

            All around me, I’m seeing person after person in physical pain.  Not just old folks, or even middle-aged.  I’m talking about teenagers with back problems, and children who need to lose the fifteen pounds they put on during lockdown.

            This pandemic didn’t just hurt the health of those who caught the virus.  It has resulted in a world of severely out-of-shape folks.  In fact, from what I can see, it’s only the wealthy few who are still looking “Hollywood-Fit,” what with gym equipment in their homes or biking in mountains.  But for the rest of you guys?  It’s time for some help!

            Oh, but wait – there’s another bunch who also look as fit as in 2019.  Animals!  The dogs and cats and antelopes lemurs all look just fine!  Why is that?

            Well, because our lifestyles didn’t change all that much.  In fact, a lot of us pets found the lockdowns meant we got more walks and fun-time with our humans than before.  But even those who didn’t have that luck are doing fine. 

            So what can we teach you guys about how to regain your fitness?  Here are a few suggestions:

1. Shift Positions

I’ve told you about my friend Aria, who suffered a lot before getting a great home, but still has to work to trust others the way I do?  One other difference between us is that she is a better hunter than I.  You see, I run around the yard, finding squirrels, birds, whatever, and barking at them while I chase them.  She’s cooler than that.  She finds a place to lie down and make herself almost invisible.  And then she waits, still.  For hours.  Doesn’t worry about birds or lizards.  And only jumps up when a squirrel comes close, and then explodes in speed after it.  And so she catches them a lot more than I do!

But while she’s waiting, she still moves – just a very little.  She’ll lie in one position for a half-hour or so, and then, making sure no one sees her, she’ll shift – maybe lie on her other side, or sit up a bit – just enough to change the way her body’s weight is held.  This keeps her able to bounce up when she wants to.

But most of the humans I’ve seen have spent the last year doing all their work in front of a computer, seated in the same chair.  And then, for entertainment… watched movies or shows or played games… in the same chair, on the same computer!  And now you’re wondering why your spines are trashed?  NOTHING in nature lives that way!  And you’re not supposed to! 

Whatever your job or interest is, don’t stay in one position.  Move around.  If you have to stay in front of a computer, have that chair, and also a ball you can sit on, and even stand for part of the day too.  And if you don’t have to stay in one place, move around a lot.  Keep your body in motion as much as you can. 

Aria may be still for nine-tenths of the day, but her figure is perfect and she has no muscle aches.  Be like her, at the least!

• Stretch More

You know what else you see us dogs, and cats, do all day?  STRETCH!  If you like doing yoga, that’s of course wonderful – and I wish I could get into some of those cooler positions I see yogis do! – but even if you’re not, stretch a LOT!  Try to touch your toes, or even better, sit on the ground with your back against a wall and try to stretch your legs out.  Bend to the side, bend back, pull your feet up behind you to stretch the fronts of your legs… all this is so good!  Not just in the morning either – do it a few times every day.  (And this doesn’t stop – I recommend this one till the day you come to meet us all in the great beyond!)

• Make Time

One big problem I saw before the pandemic was everyone being so stressed out and pushed for time.  “I can’t talk, I’ll be late for work,” or “I can’t think about that, I have too much on my mind.”  Or my biggest irritant, “I can’t walk you today, Shirelle, I have too many emails to respond to.” 

Well if you want to know what takes a lot of time, try having a damaged back, or bad knees, from lack of fitness.  Or a weak heart from lack of cardio exercise. 

You HAVE the time.  The problem is priorities.  What CAN you give up to make sure you have a half-hour (or more) every day to take care of your body?  Nothing is actually more important.

And here’s the funny part.  Once you start taking care of yourself, you’ll find you have more energy and alertness, so your work goes more efficiently.  And you’ll sleep better (more about that later).  So making time for exercise will actually GIVE you time, over time!

• Choose Exercise You Enjoy

And here’s another area where we dogs are SO much smarter than you people!  I don’t run around barking at every passing dog because I’m afraid they’re going to break through our fence and attack Handsome!  And Aria doesn’t chase squirrels because she’s starving!  We do these because they’re FUN! 

If you’ve found that, over the past year, you’ve been miserable attending classes on Zoom, and then doing online homework, but then sooo happy to play Minecraft for hours, what’s the difference?  Your Enjoyment!  Right?

So why do I see people spending all their exercise time on things they hate – Sit-Ups or Weights or whatever?  While others are joyously keeping just as fit by swimming or playing golf or… Hello?!… walking their dogs!  And if there’s nothing that really suits you that makes you sweat?  Then find the way to make it fun.  Go to a gym that has stationary bikes in front of a television, while there’s a show you like on.  Or listen to a podcast you love while running. 

My goal is for you to find something you enjoy so much that you look forward to it all day.  Or perhaps that you love the way you feel afterwards so much that you bounce out of bed in the morning so you can get to it and feel great as your day begins. 

Whatever it is, from the moment puppies and kittens and babies are born, we all love to play, using our bodies.  Find that in yourself again, however works for you.

• Find Other Sweetness

You want to know who’s done well in the pandemic?  Sure everyone talks about Zoom and Netflix and such.  But I’ll bet you the sugar producers have had their best year ever too!  Everyone seems to have had a sweeter and sweeter diet, with more and more snacking.  And guess what excess sugar does to you – besides rotting your teeth and possibly causing diabetes?  It inflames your muscles and ligaments!  Yes, that pain you’re in isn’t just because your spine is shrinking and you can’t sit up anymore.  It’s also because parts of you that are working well simply hurt now!  So start cutting back on that candy and those soft drinks, and you’ll find things improve right away

• Lose the Pandemic Diet

“Wait,” you say.  “Didn’t she just talk about eating?”  Sure I did, but only about sweets.  Your next job is to change the bad eating habits you fell into during the lockdown.  Maybe before this, you used to have three meals a day and one afternoon snack.  I’m betting that changed!  Now there’s a morning snack and three afternoon ones and then a couple after supper?  Right?

Funny, we dogs didn’t get that change!  We’re still eating the way we did before the lockdown (well, with maybe a few extra treats since you’re around us more).  And so we’re looking fine, while you have to lose your new tummies!

Maybe you’ve been able to keep a healthy food regimen through this time, but even if so, now it’s time to cut back on the snacks.  And if your food has also gotten junkier, then it’s definitely time to improve that.

And one more note on that:  Worldwide, one of the biggest effects of the lockdown has been people increasing their amount of mind-altering substances.  Alcohol, tobacco, marijuana, anything like this.  I’m not going to tell you whether or not you need to stop them completely (though I have an enormous respect for anyone who does), but if you’re using them more than you were a year and a half ago, your FIRST JOB is to cut way back on them now!  You’ve probably built up tolerance for them, which means that using enough to feel good is now being rougher on your liver and lungs than before.  And the police who arrest people for their blood-alcohol content don’t care a bit about the fact that you can tolerate more than you could two years ago. 

So cut back on all.  And life will get better and better and better.  I guarantee it!

• Keep the Sleep

My final recommendation isn’t about changing back to the way you were before the lockdown.  It’s the opposite.

Sleep deprivation used to be one of our greatest health problems.  But during the pandemic, everyone started sleeping in more.  Don’t need to drive the kids to school in the morning?  Great, that’s a half hour!  Don’t need to go to work yourself, or even dress up for it?  Greater, that’s another hour!  Can take a nap in the afternoon because school ended early?  Heaven!

So while everybody got a little shorter and a little chubbier, they also started sleeping as much as they needed for the first time in decades!

Once again, I’ll say – look to your pets.  We sleep through the night with you, but also take lots of naps through the day.  What can you do to help yourself keep sleeping enough?  Can you give yourself a nap?  Can you turn off your electronics at a decent hour to make up for having to get up earlier again? 

And if you remember, I pointed out earlier that getting exercise will help you sleep better.  You know what else will?  Changing positions, stretching, exercising, eating less junk, and especially reducing mind-altering substances.  In other words, everything I talked about here! 

So maybe you’ll find that you can still sleep enough, while sleeping a little bit less!  But it’s the “enough” that matters to me.  And will, in the long run, matter to you.

Maybe some of these suggestions aren’t what you need right now.  But I’m betting that, as life begins to get social and crowded again, some of these will help you.

But really, all I’m suggesting is that you do what you need so that this next year can be the happiest of your life.

Because you guys have earned it!!!

0 How to teach faith to teenagers starting to question everything

OfA asks:

I teach teenagers in church, but recently they have become increasingly difficult to manage, questioning everything. What can I change to make them cooperate? The age range is 14 -16, boys and girls. P.S: I am a mother of two teenagers, a boy and a girl.

Hi OfA –

            I love your question.  Because you’re getting at such an important aspect of the development of humans!  When we puppies are first put on leashes, we have no idea what to do, and fall down, or pull, or whatever, in complete confusion.  But later, as we learn what we’re supposed to do and how leashes work, we start to actively, knowingly, fight against them.  We’ll pull away, try to walk ahead of our people, take the leash in our mouths – anything to feel in control.  That doesn’t make us bad dogs; it’s fully normal and actually a sign of character and intelligence.  Sure, it has to be “trained out” of us, but it’s nothing of any concern.

            Similarly, humans go through two main stages when growing up, when they’re just oppositional as anything.  The first is, famously, around two years old, what’s often called “the terrible Twos.”  That’s when you guys learn the ability to say “No,” and all hell breaks loose.  You become obstinate, demanding, and refusing of all sorts of things.  And if your parenting is good, this is a time when you learn both your strengths and the limits of your strength, the joy of expression and the importance of boundaries.  And you start to get along pretty well with your parents and other authority figures.  And that lasts, oh maybe about ten years.  And then…

            Teenage hits!  After the comparatively healthy experience of childhood, humans get to a point where their bodies change, their interests change, and their brains grow – and suddenly they experience the really odd sensation of being neither children nor adults, or maybe it’s both children and adults.  And they hit a wonderful frustration where they realize that everything they took for granted as children (that their parents are right about everything, that their society’s rules all make sense, that theirs is the only acceptable religion, etc.) might not be completely true.  And so they enter a time of doubt.  Of questioning everything.  And, usually, of deciding that everything they’ve ever been told is actually false!

This period lasts a few years, after which, if all goes well, the young adults start to actually think for themselves.  No longer are Mom and Dad always right, or always wrong, but rather… well, I’ll defer to Mark Twain on this one, who famously said, “When I was a boy of 14, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be 21, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years.”

Now you’re dealing with this struggle on two fronts.  First, as a parent.  But it sounds as though you’re managing that one pretty well.  But then, as a teacher in a church!  Where of course your job involves teaching things that are based in faith – which means always open to question!

How can anyone do it?

Well I have one answer – by encouraging just that sort of thinking.  By siding with the doubting, questioning, minds of the teens instead of struggling against them.

Look at yourself.  You sound like an intelligent person (especially as ONLY the most intelligent people join my Pack!).  Have you never questioned the teachings of your faith?  How did you arrive at the conclusions that made you devout enough to teach them yourself?  Your job is to help your students through that process. 

Besides, I don’t know what faith you work in, but doesn’t it include doubt in its teachings?  Judaism includes the story of Job, who questioned how badly his life was going.  Christianity includes Jesus’ times of doubt, as well as countless stories of the doubts of the apostles and saints.  And both of those and Islam all include the story of Abraham’s questioning of the order to kill his son.  And of course the Buddha went through years of indulgence in everything other than the wisdom he eventually learned!

So I’d start with these sorts of parables – how did others in your faith’s history contend with doubt, with questioning?

And then I’d go even deeper.  What do your students question about the faith itself?  For example, in the book of Genesis, there are two completely different versions of the story of creation.  Can both be accurate?  If not, how do you explain that?  What’s the history of the writing of your main texts?  Did they come out at different times?  Who is on record as writing them?  Are there issues of translation?

Do you see what I’m doing?  I’m engaging the curiosity, the questioning, the impassioned teenagehood of the students.  I’m telling them that they’re absolutely right to be in the mindset they’re in.  And as such, I’m letting them know that they’re miracles of creation just as they are… just as your church does!  Doing this gives them a reason to actually accept the teachings of your faith, because it has allowed them room to question, and yes, to doubt.

            Anyway, it’s worth a try.  See what happens.  If it doesn’t work, you won’t be any worse off than you were.

            And if it does?  Well then you’ll find your students saying “I can’t believe how much OfA learned in one week!”

            Best of Luck!  Please let me know how it goes!

            Shirelle

0 How to stop resenting that you always help others

Soumyaguna asks:

I am really happy that I have built myself up and taken away all the negative aspects of my life, and began to be busy in my working schedule. BUT, I am unable to take off the part of helping each and every one who is around me. They just use me for their sake and just vanish. I tried hard to not to interfere in into anyone’s problem but then I end up jumping into them and finding a solution, eventually hurting myself all again. Anyways these are part of life, I understand, but recently I was diagnosed with this weird disease, i.e VITILIGO. I’m very depressed due to this fact, I can’t look myself in mirror and above that I’m all alone in this. My parents just poke me every single day even after knowing, and they just don’t understand my feelings. They just think about their own. At times I feel like not being here anymore, but then I make myself strong and try to overcome it… but now, It’s getting too much for me. I can’t take this anymore, I am aware of the fact that there is no treatment for the same, but then my parents tend to poke and never really miss the chance of hurting me. Being in that state I am unable to stay the way I am. I never used to apply makeup on my skin – everyone used to say I don’t need that – but now I have to apply it to hide the vitiligo scars and my parents blame me for this; they say it’s because you used to see yourself in mirror and such.

0 How to stay positive in a negative-minded world

Katarina asks:

How does one stay positive when everything around seems so negative?

Hi Katarina –

            Out of all the questions you could have asked, about any topic, you have picked probably my favorite!  Because if there’s one thing we dogs are better at than humans (well, besides hearing, smelling, and biting), it’s this!

            Some dogs live in fear.  I’ve written a lot about my friend Aria, who’s suffered abandonment, beatings, all sorts of awful stuff.  And while she’s sweet and loving, and happy in her new home, she’ll always be scared of “worst circumstances.”  But even with that, she’ll never be “negative,” in the way people can be.

            You see, the problem with you people is that your brains are too big!  You remember so much about the past, and analyze it so much, and think so much about the future.  And you create.  You write novels and symphonies and design buildings and computer coding and put your imaginations on canvases and movie screens – all of which is just wonderful.  But that same creativity means you’re always going to be trying to figure out “what’s next.” 

            Now if your life had always been happy and joyous, that “what next” might be wondering what delights will come to you tomorrow.  You’ve always had great friends?  Well tomorrow you might meet someone just as flawless you fall in love with.  You’ve always been lucky and respected?  Then tomorrow you might get a high-paying job you’ll love.  You’ve always been attractive?  Tomorrow you might get even more gorgeous!

            But no one, and yes I mean no one, gets that life.  By the time you’re a year old, you’ve felt terror, betrayal, abandonment, and awful pain (between being born, weaning, and diaper rash, it’s a guarantee!).  Want to learn not to trust those you love?  Experience your parents telling you they’re having another child.  Want to know cruel deprivation?  Your babysitter says no you can’t stop for ice cream.  Want to know assault?  Your doctor gives you a lifesaving injection.

            In other words, things that are perfectly fine, even wonderful, can feel awful.  And your brain, in order to protect you from being surprised and devastated by these things, learns to assume the worst.  And with that, you become pessimistic and overall negative.

            A few years ago, Handsome met a woman and they both liked each other at once, and started dating.  And of course they both had other things going on in their lives.  But whenever he would change a date – “Oh I forgot I have to work late that afternoon, do you still want to meet for dinner” or “Hey my cousin’s going to be in town that day for just a few hours, can we meet another night?” – she would always respond, “Yeah, right.”  Like she knew he was lying.  Even though he wasn’t.

            And because of this, eventually he broke things off.  Not that she was mean to him – she was actually very nice to him considering she “knew” he was lying to her! But rather he just didn’t want to be in a relationship where he was assumed to be lying all the time, when he was actually telling the truth!

            Was she bad?  No, but clearly she’d been disappointed, and lied to, so many times in the past that she had learned to expect it.  She had been programmed into negativity!  Which made her not just believe negatively (as Aria does) but act negatively and thereby create a negative world around her.  She made Handsome, who had felt positively about her, feel negatively, and end their relationship!  And then be on the lookout for other women to do the same thing, so he could get out more quickly if they did!  Yes – her negativity made him more negative!

            And while she’s a particularly obvious case, all people share this.  This is the basis of all prejudice, when you think of it – people learn to believe this group of people is sneaky, that group is dumb, and that group is evil… while there’s always lots of proof that those beliefs are wrong.

            So what can you, or any human, do?  You can’t eliminate your own intelligence and live as much in the moment as a pup. 

            But you can make a choice.  You can choose, more than we can. 

            For example, if you were in that woman’s situation, you could think “I imagine he’s on a date with someone else.  But even if he is, that’s okay, as I’ll see him afterward.  After all, we’re just beginning our relationship; we’re not committed or anything yet.”  Or “He says he’s with his cousin.  Maybe I’ll call and see if I can talk with that cousin!  I’ll just tell Handsome that I want to find out what his family thinks of him!”  And then when Handsome does laughingly hand the phone to his cousin, who talks him up, she’ll know he wasn’t lying.  (Or if he got nervous and said no she couldn’t, she’d have every reason to keep doubting him).

            Here’s the truth – bad luck will come along.  It always does.  You’d be dumb to deny that.  But your life is worse if you spend all your time worrying about it!  Good things also come along, and that negativity can take away the joy they bring.  “Yes I just found a pot of gold and will be rich forever, but I know my friend still won’t return my call!”

            Look at it this way.  You don’t know exactly how long you have to live, but it’s a finite time, right?  Maybe you have ninety years ahead of you, and maybe just ninety hours.  But either way, it will end.  Would you rather spend them happier and hopeful, or mired in suspicion?  And would you rather people know you as someone who spreads joy or someone to avoid? 

            That’s your choice.

            You can’t control fate, but you can control what you choose to focus on.  When I first step out of our house in the morning I tend to stop, blown away by all in front of me.  The smells, the sounds, the sights, the feel.  I’m overwhelmed by all the new, the possible.  While most people rush out their door, griping about whatever is in between them and their car, not absorbing any of it.

            You say in your question, Katarina, that “everything around seems so negative.”  I say you’re right, but the most important word in there is “SEEMS.”  What about looking for the opposite?

            There’s a cold miserable storm outside?  Focus on the fact you have shelter.  You get a flat tire?  Focus on the fact that you know either you or someone else will repair it.  You have no food to eat?  Focus on the fact that you almost certainly will later.  You have no money?  Focus on how you can get some.

            Again, I’m not asking you to be unrealistic.  That storm is cold, that tire is flat, you’re hungry and broke!  But focusing on the negative means things will stay that way, while focusing on the positive enables change and improvement.

             And here’s the strangest thing about this way of living: you won’t be wrong!  For example, let’s say someone you love is ill with a potentially fatal disease.  You could choose to focus on the negative, assume they’re dying, and start grieving now.  Or you could focus on the fact that the doctors give them a 20% chance of survival, and do anything you can to help make that happen.  Now what will happen if they die?  Will you be “wrong?”  Nope.  You’ll still be right.  You had focused on hope, and now they’re truly gone.  And you can grieve your heart out.  But their last days alive were better because you were full of love and hope and appreciation.

            Katarina I’m not saying this is easy.  It’s not.  But it is, I truly believe, the best way to live. 

            It sure works for me!

            Wishing you the very best,

            Shirelle

0 How to heal emotional trauma in the body

Scarlett4 asks:

I am still single, and my ex-boyfriend got married to a girl of his mother’s choice and now doing all the things that I shared him that we will do after our wedding. He even stole our honeymoon spot — I felt bad, I tried to cry but I couldn’t. And now I am getting many proposals but I am not interested in any of them, so I have rejected everyone. Instead I am only investing time on myself, so lately I was working with my chakras. My throat chakra was blocked due to some reason but yesterday some incident happened which forced me to speak for myself if someone is going against my will. Yesterday one of my friends took me for a ride but while returning, instead of going towards my home, he was taking me out of the city. I shouted and asked him to turn the bike back. That scared me and I felt like crying but couldn’t cry this time also. I need to cry this all out of me.  Please help me get rid of all the heaviness on my heart.

Hi Scarlett4 –

What you’re describing can happen to anyone.  Even a dog (though it’s rare).  Trauma can set in to a particular part of the body, and render it painful, numb, or (as in your case) inactive.  Now the good news is that your situation isn’t so strong that you can’t speak at all (which has happened to victims of assault or war trauma), just that you can’t cry out what you need to.

There’s no perfect cure for this, though time will almost certainly change things.  For example, I know a man who had a similar inability to cry, and struggled through everything from psychotherapy to acting classes working on it, until his dog died.  He then cried for nearly six months straight (From what I hear, that was one great dog)!

So my first suggestion to you is to not worry too much about it.  Focusing on it and trying to force it will only make the problem worse.  Something inside you feels it doesn’t have the right to let crying out, and it just needs to relax and learn that that’s not true.

But my second suggestion is to calmly work at it from two sides.  First, you can work on strengthening your throat itself.  Maybe just doing a deep-breathing meditation every day, maybe taking singing lessons (or just singing more often for fun), or even trying public speaking.  All these will help your throat get more nimble and freed, so that it doesn’t get too squeezed up by this.

And second, work to free your voice in other regards.  Paint, dance, or especially write.  Keeping a journal is fantastic – write all your feelings down in a way that would make anyone else burst into sobs!  Or write stories or thoughts, whatever feels right to you.

And hopefully, eventually, you’ll find that this starts allowing your throat to let other things out.  Like when you yelled at the guy on the bike – that’s terrific!  Maybe now you can speak with strength when you see someone doing something you find unjust.  Or to tell someone they hurt you badly.

And then, you might be surprised at some of the things that come out.  You’ll intend to tell someone to stop doing something (like stop driving you away from your destination), but other words will come out of you – stronger words.  Like instead of “Hey don’t take me the wrong direction!” it’ll be “What kind of moron are you!  Did you think I was some sort of twit who’d allow this!  Turn around or I’ll have you arrested, you manipulative creep!” 

Ooh, that’d be good, wouldn’t it!

Handsome loves to tell the story of when he first got me as a puppy, and how for the first few weeks I didn’t bark.  He thought I might never be able to.  But then one day, I peed on a rug, and he scolded me for it.  So I started to lick it up, and he scolded me for that.  So I nipped his foot, and he scolded me for that.  Over and over, whatever I’d do, he’d “No!” me.  Till finally I got so frustrated I gave a “rrrRrwOOW!” bark at him.  Sort of a growl-yelp.  And he picked me up and covered me in kisses – he has always said that was the moment he fell in love with me.  Since then I’ve barked a lot, many say too much, but I learned that day that my voice was welcome (even though my first words were pretty obscene!  I was mad!)

We each have our journey with our voices.  I’m sure you cried just fine as a baby, but now you can’t.  That man I mentioned basically didn’t cry between ages 25 and 45.  And I didn’t bark until I was about four months old. 

Your body will let you cry when it’s ready.  Till then, just keep granting yourself the right to your voice, in whatever way it comes out.

That’s what matters most!

All my best,

Shirelle