What to do when you hate your father and think all men will be like him

Soumyaguna asks:

My problem is somewhat serious and hard to handle.

It’s about my father

Father has always been a Hero figure for almost every kid since their childhood reflecting strength and having a back every time and Mother being the righteous figure of nature, morals and ethics.

But for me these figures didn’t last long, not even 10 years.

I don’t know why my men are so dominating. My father may be a good father, but he was never a good MAN, husband or anything.

He became my example of how men are from the start, which I used to hate a lot.

Later I tried a lot to change my perception and try to understand him, but whenever I try to do so, I end up releasing new facts about him which leads me to hate him even more. 

This man has always tortured my mother mentally, hurts her, disrespects her. Whenever it has been in front of me, I have always stood by her like a pillar and yelled at him a lot of times. 

But every time he starts off idiot drama by saying, “yes when I’ll die, everything will be sorted.”

I’m always alone in this fight.

My mother doesn’t speak up for herself fearing maybe he’ll harm himself and things will go worse.

My elder sister also keeps mum fearing what if they part their ways.

But I’m not okay with any of this, why will she suffer every time. Whenever he is angry, frustrated, he takes it out on mother. He disrespects her so freaking much.

And above all this he talks nicely about mother’s friends, he kind of flirts with them too.

such an insult he is for me. 

I’m ashamed that this man is my father

I want to take a way out, I don’t know what to do.

I want my mother happy, I even want my father to actually die.

Please help me in taking out a solution which will be good for everyone.

Hi Soumyaguna –

I’m so sorry you have to deal with this.  In a way you’re dealing with something everyone has to go through, but you’ve got an especially awful case of it.

Children and Puppies are born programmed to trust and idolize the humans that care for them.  They believe those adults are perfect, because if they don’t, the world is too terrifying for them to survive. 

In dogs, this belief might last an entire lifetime.  In humans, though, we count on it going away eventually.  This usually happens in the teen years, when humans start questioning all sorts of authority – their teachers, their religions, their governments… and especially their parents.  We hear about it all the time, teens rebelling for no reason, driving parents nuts with their sullenness or anger.  “It’s a phase.”  Right?

Well in your case, no, it’s more than a phase.  You have some real problems about your father, and about your parents’ marriage.  And it drives you nuts that you haven’t been able to solve them.

And here’s the awful news.  Most likely, you can’t. 

Your mother has chosen to stay in this relationship, for whatever reasons she has.  And whether it’s due to his creating fear of him hurting himself, or just because she feels she doesn’t deserve (or can’t get) something better, that has kept this dynamic going.

But you do have a job here.  The job every person has in their family.  The job of making a life that’s better than the one you were born into.

In many cases, parents work terribly hard at jobs they hate so they can send their children to school to get better and better-paying jobs.  In others, parents dream of their kids living healthier lives than theirs. 

In your case, your job is to find – and create – better relationships than this. 

I promise you, all men aren’t like your dad.  (At the very least, I can tell you that my human, Handsome, is kind and generous to a fault, especially to me!)  There are men out there who are kind and nurturing and loyal and want nothing more than to make their partners and children happy. 

In fact… are you sitting down?…  MOST men are like that!

Your job – and it might be a lifelong struggle – will be to build relationships with men that aren’t like your parents’ marriage.  It won’t be easy.  You’ll find a guy who seems great and then for some reason starts acting just like your dad.  Can you change him?  Or do you have to leave?  You’ll have to decide those things for yourself.  (And just to be clear, even if you end up having romantic/sexual relationships with women instead, you will still have many other kinds of relationships with men – as coworkers, as neighbors, as family, maybe your sons!)

But no matter what, I promise you, a better life lies ahead.  And as you create it, your mother will watch you and, even if she can’t say it in words, her heart will be so happy to see what you accomplish.  And who knows, maybe over time your creating a better life might even inspire your dad to change his ways, at least a little.

It’s happened before!

So go forward with hope and love.  You can do this!

All my best,


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