kiara123 asks: Hey! I’ve been with this boy for almost 2 years now. We’re long distance and I feel like I’ve started to become toxic. I love him a lot but I don’t understand why I get jealous when he’s out partying or planning trips with his friends. I have no friends at all so I think I don’t understand how life really is with friends. I know all these feelings are wrong and toxic but I just don’t know how to help it. I try really hard to make myself understand that it’s ok and I never tell him what to do. I don’t wanna be a controlling girlfriend and I want him to be happy but I can’t seem to get rid of this miserable feeling. His friends drink and smoke a lot and are kind of cheap so that makes me a bit insecure. There are a couple of things that bother me besides this. He uses Snapchat a lot and that’s fine by me. He can snap anybody he wants but he doesn’t send me snaps. I think he sends snaps to everyone except me and that hurts. He does send me a snap separately but it’s just a black screen. It’s not like I wanna know what he’s doing or where he is, it’s just that i don’t want him sending snaps to people and not me.
Hi kiara123 –
I can really relate! When Handsome goes out to work or to meet with friends, he almost always locks me in the yard. Sure, he gives me a goodbye kiss and tells me how much he cares about me – but then he heads off and does whatever with all these other people, and sometimes with other dogs! Do I think he’s purposely being mean to me? No. Do I think he’s doing anything out there that would upset me? No.
But do I like it when he does it? ABSOLUTELY NOT!
Now in my case, he often doesn’t have a choice. There are laws about where he can and can’t take a dog. But that’s not true for you. So in your case, I have a question:
Why can’t you be there?
If he’s hanging out with all-male groups, especially if they’re doing things you don’t like, okay, I can see that. But the rest of the time, why is he leaving you behind?
And I’m asking sincerely. It might be that he would like to have you around, but feels you would be unhappy there, or make him feel bad for having the fun he’s having. And if that’s the case, maybe it’s something you could adjust. For example, while you might not drink or smoke, if you’re with him when he’s doing that, you could be the designated driver, helping everyone get home safely and without any legal trouble.
Or is it that he’s excluding you? Is he choosing to go out with others, and send pictures to others, keeping you out of it all, for some reason of his own? If so, I think it would make a lot of sense for you to find out why! It doesn’t make you a “controlling girlfriend” to ask him. In fact, it could help your relationship along, by helping you understand him better.
And I’ll throw in another thought. Maybe it’s time for you to get some friends of your own. Not that they’d be against your relationship with him, but just friendships alongside it. So you’d have people to talk with and go out with as well. Just because you haven’t had such friendships doesn’t mean you couldn’t get some now!
But regardless of that, see if you can get to the bottom of why he’s doing these things. Just because I’m locked in with no one to talk to but the squirrels and birds doesn’t mean you have to be!
All my best,