Category Archives for "Relationships"

0 Should people start to date each other before they move apart?

Wooff asks: There was this guy I liked intensely, but things didn’t work out because we were kids and we both made dumb decisions. Long story short, I kept regretting not talking to him and it’s already been 4 years. And I still like him, kind of. So I heard from a friend that he’s leaving the country, so I decided to just do it. Knock him and tell him that I’m sorry for everything. Sorry for acting like it was one-sided and to let him know that the feelings were always genuine. He told me that it’s okay and we’re on friendly terms. He also told me that it’s funny how, even if the feelings are just apologetic, they’re the same after so many years. But with all that being said, he plans to leave the country and so do I. So getting involved would be dumb, right? It was so fun talking to him, but he gets on very late because of school and I sleep early so it doesn’t really work. I kind of got annoyed when he knocked me late at night and I was sleepy, so I said I’m going to sleep and went off. It was mean but I was hurt, kind of. I understand but also it’s hard. So anywho, he got on for the rest of the week and didn’t knock, I think he was expecting me to. I didn’t, and the patterns keep repeating. It’s pathetic. And now he doesn’t get on at all. My question to you: what do you make of all this, and would it be dumb to get involved? Meanwhile, I was talking to this guy before I talked to the 1st guy, let’s call him Sam. And we were friends but we kind of hit it off and I like this guy but he has a bad reputation. But his story is different, and I honestly don’t know what to believe. So I want to continue just talking and being friends. There’s no point in hurting myself for no reason at all. Right? He’s known as a player but he’s also very quiet so I’m just confused. He’s super-shy so I don’t understand how that works, but also he wooed me in via chat so who knows? What do you suppose I do?

Hi Wooff –

My dear, I’m going to give you an answer that isn’t exactly what you asked, but I think it’s the truth.

I have this friend named Aria.  She’s a very nervous dog, nowhere near as friendly and enthusiastic as I am.  She came from a bad background, and never even learned to play when she was a puppy.  So when her human gave her some toys, she didn’t know how to chase them or pull on them, or rip their insides out, the way I like to do!  But instead, over time, she sort of adopted one.  It’s a little lamb toy, and she likes to just carry it with her when she goes inside or outside.  She then doesn’t do anything with it, just lies by it.

Why?  Because it makes her feel comfortable.  She feels less alone, naked, vulnerable.

And I find that humans, especially when they’re about to move away from home for the first time, often do the same sort of thing.  They’ll suddenly care about childhood toys in a way they hadn’t for years.  Or they’ll suddenly decide they’re great friends with people at school they never really cared about before.

None of these are bad things, of course.  It’s just that I’d tell them to, instead, focus on what really matters.  Spending time with those family and friends who have meant a lot to them.  In order to ensure that those relationships continue after everyone’s moved away.

But one other thing I’ll see people do is to get romantically involved with someone at home.  Right before they’re about to leave and meet hundreds of new people – people who will then be near them and available for hanging out and doing fun stuff with.

Why?  Because, just like Aria and the lamb, they think they’ll feel more comfortable, less vulnerable and alone, when they’re in that new setting.

And here’s my harsh statement, Wooff – it doesn’t work.  The people still feel nervous and alone, even if they have a boyfriend or girlfriend somewhere else.  And then, over time, they get more comfortable with those new people, and almost always (not absolutely always – but almost always) they end up breaking up with that person from home.  Because moving away has changed them each.

So my advice is to Continue reading

0 How much should you allow another person to demand when you’re first dating?

Wise asks: I’m dating someone online and I get to see him only when I’m in school cause he lives close to there. Everything was perfect until now, he’s always telling me to be more romantic and show him my revealing pictures but I don’t feel comfortable doing it – yet he doesn’t want to understand me. And he’s dating someone else but he said he doesn’t like that one, he likes me. But doesn’t want to break up with her. And we’ve only been dating for 2 weeks. Now I think I like someone else because I’m tired of the way things are going with my boyfriend. What do I do because I’m so confused?

Hi Wise –

Wow this sounds really difficult.  It’s cool that you met a boy near your school online, and things started off good, but I don’t like him asking you to send you revealing pictures (those can get into the wrong hands, or onto social media, SO easily!) – and two weeks is a bit soon to be demanding you get more romantic.  ESPECIALLY when he’s got another girlfriend!

So unless that other girl knows about you (and I’m betting she doesn’t), that means whatever relationship he has with you is CHEATING on her.  And that’s not fair to either of you.

Now here’s the funny part: usually when someone’s in a strange situation with a new romance, they feel desperate because there’s no one else available.  But in your case, there IS someone else you’re interested in.  Which is just great!  Because that gives you a simple and honest negotiating tool.

You see, what I want is for you to Continue reading

0 How to set new rules in a relationship.

Guptaaa_ asks: See, my problem is with my boyfriend. I have been crushing on him continuously for the last 4.5 years, and then last year we came into a relationship. In that relationship he ditched me and left me. Now after the last few months apart he came back to me a few days ago. It seemed like he is serious, but now it doesn’t look that way. Tell me? What do I do now?

Hi Guptaa –

Wow this sounds really difficult.  The first part of your story sounds wonderful and romantic – you have this long crush on a guy and then you two actually get together.  It’s the perfect love story.  But now he’s leaving you, coming back, acting serious, acting not serious… this is like those experiments where they teach dogs to expect a piece of food every time they push a button, and then stop giving them food when they push the button, or give them food when they don’t push the button, and the dogs go mad.  (And by that I don’t mean they get angry, I mean they go stark raving nuts!)

So my goal here isn’t to get you two together, or to get you to leave him – it’s to keep you from foaming at the mouth and running around your town biting random children!!!

The only way I can think of to protect you is for you to Continue reading

0 How to sincerely apologize.

rohit1996 asks: Some days ago I did a mistake. In anger I insulted a girl who is my friend. My behaviour was the worst. We have not talked for long time. Now I feel guilty. I want to tell her I’m sorry. But she is out of town for a long time. I want to talk her about my mistake, but I can’t call her because I think she doesn’t want to talk with me. I am afraid for if she will not talk with me then I can’t do anything. Please give me a solution. I felt very sorry for that moment. but at that time situation is not in my control. I want to apologize for my behaviour in front of her. So plz help me. It’s a long time since we’ve talked. Now I can’t face her.

Hi rohit1996 –

So this is going to sound weird, but you’re actually in a very good place for this.

What I mean is that, very often, people get into arguments and insult each other, and feel they’re each completely right. In this case, you know you were wrong to do it, so there’s no disagreement there. You just have to convince her of two things: first, that you know what you did wrong and are sorry; and second, that she’s safe trusting that you won’t do it again.

The second takes time. The first just requires the simple thing you’re trying to do: getting her to hear you. And for that, I have a few suggestions:

• You might be right that she won’t talk to you. But this is 2018, and there are lots more ways to get in touch with her than ever before. If you text her, and your text begins “I am so sorry,” even if she wants to ignore it she’ll have seen those words. But you can also write her on social media (but in a private way; don’t embarrass both of yourselves by posting it publicly), or in an email, or you can leave a phone message. In fact, maybe you could do ALL of these – so she really gets the message that you care.
• You could write her an “old school” letter. Yeah, the kind on paper, that you mail with a stamp on it. Why? Well, hardly anyone does that anymore. So it seems more official, more serious, more permanent.
• When you get the chance to see her in person, don’t hold back. Just walk right up to her and apologize. Even if you’ve already connected, it makes it clear that you’re going to regret that insult as long as you live. My friend Handsome made an awful mistake a few years ago that he apologizes to a couple of people for still, and plans to for the rest of his life. It’s not that they haven’t moved on and forgiven him; it’s that he can’t forgive himself. And he wants them to know that.
• Whatever you say, MEAN IT. What you wrote me really speaks your pain. Let her hear it too. We dogs don’t apologize much, but when we do, oh man do we let it out – we lick, we run in circles, we howl, we whimper, we jump up – ANYTHING to say how much we feel. So let those feelings out. It will be impossible for her not to notice.

Okay, rohit1996 – those are my suggestions. But there’s, of course, one possibility remaining. That she might refuse all of them. She might be so angry, or so hurt, or so afraid, that she simply can’t let you back in. If so, that’s just awful, and you can certainly keep trying. But it might be a situation where you have to move on, and kind of give up on her. That’d be the worst, but if that happens, you both can live better lives than you would if she just keeps having to avoid you for years.

So try to reach her. Try as hard as you can. And most likely it will work. But even if it doesn’t, you’ll know that you did the best you could.

And I’ll bet you’ll remember never to blow up like that again. And for that alone, this will have been a great learning experience, and make the rest of your life a better one for you and for everyone you know.

GOOD LUCK!

Shirelle

0 How to pursue someone who’s studying all the time.

Nymeria asks: I met a girl a few months ago, she’s sweet, beautiful, smart, she’s perfect to me. We used to talk a lot, but everything changed in an instant. She always told me she’s been studying for her board exam, and this was her only reason for not replying back to me. And I was thinking, could it really be the only reason why she doesn’t talk to me anymore? I don’t know what I should do.

Hi Nymeria –

There’s a lot I don’t know from your question.  How long has it been since she stopped replying?  How long had you two been talking before that?  And, maybe biggest of all, when was/is that exam?

Of course, anything is possible, but I can’t help but have one thought, based on my own experience.  My human friend Handsome had to take some board exams a few years ago, and assumed he’d pass them pretty easily.  And when he turned out to fail one of them – without any idea of why – he flipped right out!  He got depressed, went through a period of shock, had to try to figure his whole life out… and eventually was fine.

So is it possible this girl did take that exam, and failed it, and has withdrawn from the human race for a while – including from you?

Again, I’m not sure if that’s it.  But it sure would explain her sudden shift.

In the meantime, the best I can suggest for you to do is to reach out to her just enough that she can’t possibly think you’re not reaching out to her.  And then, if she’s still not responding, to give her the space that she seems to be asking for.

And if something’s just gone wrong, and she’s interested in still talking with you, then she’ll show up soon enough.

And if it’s something else – if she’s interested in another person, or decided she wants to change her whole life around, or whatever…  then you’ll have already moved on, and will be able to find someone else, who responds more, and appreciates you the way you deserve to be appreciated.

All my best,

Shirelle

0 How to trust again after a boyfriend attacked you

Pennelope0214 asks: The guy I wrote you about finally made a move. We’ve talked about it, and he sometimes says it was spur-of-the-moment and sometimes says it wasn’t; and I find myself saying the same to him about my responding to it. But here’s the problem: I have been through an incident where my ex tried murdering me. He cut my throat and yet somehow I survived. So I am too scared to take that risk again. I have real feelings for this guy but it makes me sick to even think about getting into a relationship. This guy keeps on comforting me, asking me to come back as soon as possible. But how am I supposed to confront to him about the same? It’s going to break him. Even yesterday, on a call he said he would like to kiss me again and would give me that authority. I somehow managed to hang up. I don’t know what to do.

Hi Pennelope0214 –

What a horrible horrible experience! I am so sorry! You dropped it into your question so casually, too, like one of my friends saying “I had a human once who sometimes forgot to feed me, or get me my shots.” No, you’re talking about attempted murder – and an attempt that came awfully close to success! Of COURSE you’re afraid and cautious. How could you not be?!

Well, my friend, there’s only one solution here. You simply have to tell him. I’d say to do it on the phone so you can feel safe and distant, and he can feel free to react without you seeing him (If he’s as caring as my Handsome, he might well throw up there on the spot, as he’s probably getting quite smitten with that lovely – and so hurt – throat of yours).

Now this is going to bring up an odd issue. Lots of times I get letters from people who’ve been cheated on, or hit, and have trouble believing their new romance won’t do the same thing to them. But this is a very different case. Hardly anyone does what that other man did to you, Ever. So this guy’s job isn’t going to be so much to convince you he’s not a throat-cutter, as to work extremely hard to avoid doing anything that will trigger that awful memory in you.

I do understand that the subject is so awful you hate to talk about it, but the only way this relationship can possibly work is for him to know what happened. You don’t have to tell him any more details than you want, but once he knows this most important fact (the bit you’ve told me), he should be able to adjust every bit of the way he acts toward you accordingly.

If you haven’t already, I’d also urge you to go to a therapist to talk about your experience. Someone well-trained in trauma work, who can help you to move forward in your life from this nightmare. And maybe you can even bring this man in to meet with you and the therapist, to discuss ways to make your life – and lives – better.

Now if there’s anyone in your life who’s telling you that you need to just forget about what happened, or move on as if it never did – they’re simply mistaken. You’ll never not have the memory of this brutality.

But you can have someone devoted to protecting you from it. Not just from other murderous thugs, but from the terror you have suffered ever since.

And if all is as it appears – this could be that guy.

Give him a chance.

AND LET ME KNOW WHAT HAPPENS!

All my love,

Shirelle

0 How to tell a girlfriend or boyfriend something you’ve kept secret?

jovan28 asks: My girlfriend and I have been together for about six months now. We met on LoveMe over a year ago. We started out as friends and eventually got together. She’s a really great girl; smart, understanding, nice, appealing, and more positive attributes. The problem right now is that she doesn’t know about my three-year-old child that I had with an ex. It’s not like I was trying to hide it from her. I just didn’t get the chance to open up to her about my boy. I also don’t have much opportunity to introduce him to video chat since he lives and stays with his mom most days. I started hinting at her about children. Maybe she thought I wanted kids or maybe she took it as a sign that I have a kid. My ex-girlfriend’s okay with me seeing someone since she’s already with someone else herself. She told me I should introduce our kid to my girlfriend as soon as possible. I think she’s right. What if my girlfriend doesn’t like the idea of me having a child with someone else? At least I would know ahead, right? How do I tell my girlfriend that I already have a son? I want to reassure her that my obligations with my child won’t be a problem for us. I want to give her the assurance that despite the constant communication between me and my ex-girlfriend, nothing will happen. I need help from anyone. Any advice will do.

Hi jovan28 –

This is a problem I see people having all the time. You know, when we dogs meet, we decide whether we like each other right away, and that’s all we need to know. If that other pooch is a fighter or a fraidy-cat, then yeah, we might not become great playmates. But there’s never a secret, a hidden issue, that will affect our relationships.

But with you guys, there always seem to be these things. Sometimes they’re small (“I have a history of baldness in my family, and I’ll probably lose my hair in my 30’s”), sometimes bigger (“I have a transmittable disease that I keep under control but can’t cure”), and sometimes huge (“I have a husband” or in your case, “I have a child.”).

And it’s impossible to know the right time to tell about it. My human friend Handsome once went out with a woman a few times before finding out that she had a prosthetic leg. When he discovered it, he asked why she hadn’t let him know sooner. “Well when is the right time to tell about that?” she asked him. “Before we met, ‘I have blonde hair, blue eyes, and a prosthetic leg?’ Or on the first date, ‘I like walks on the beach, but sometimes get sand in the hinges?’” The fact is, he realized, she’d had no ‘right time’ to tell him. The time she chose was as good as any.

And you’re largely in the same situation.

I think the most important thing you can do is to Continue reading

0 What to do when your boyfriend or girlfriend chooses their family over you.

meghna98 asks: One month ago I met a guy in college. We liked each other and started dating. We were so happy. But then one day he said maybe in the future his parents won’t agree, so he doesn’t want to hurt me and broke up. I convinced him that we’ll make our careers and then convince his parents, but we’ll be in our relationship. He agreed but two days later he broke up, saying he doesn’t want to hurt me. He doesn’t even want to meet me because I’ll make him weak. But I want him back. I don’t want to give up so easily. I want to fight for us and make it work. The thing is he is very negative. I want to change his negative thoughts. I know he loves me and I want us to be together. What should I do?

Hi meghna98 –

This is an interesting situation.  I get lots of questions from young people who want their parents to like their boyfriend or girlfriend, or who want to learn how to get their beloved’s parents to like them better.  But you’re my first to have this problem.

And I have a feeling you’re not going to like my answer.

My friend, we all know the beautiful stories of Romeo and Juliet and West Side Story, and even Titanic, where someone rebels against their family to be with the person they love.  And that, of course, is a very difficult situation for everyone.

But you’re in a different case.  For you, your beloved is choosing his parents over you, and it’s breaking your heart.  As it naturally would.

Now I don’t know what his reason is.  Perhaps you two are of different races, or religions, or classes.  Or maybe he has some other reason to think they wouldn’t accept you (such as that they already have another partner in mind for him).  But whatever the reason is, he is accepting it.  Which leaves you completely alone in this situation.

Now perhaps, he’s just being weak, and at some point will realize he loves you more than he cares about those values, and will come back to beg you to return to him.

But right now, he’s not doing it.  In fact, the only thing he’s doing is trying to avoid hurting you any more than he has to.

So I’m going to give you one suggestion for right now, and then another one for once you’ve done that.  The first is to Continue reading

0 How to make a relationship work when both have hurt each other

Aval asks: I am 21 years old and have been in love with a man of my age for more than 4 years. We were happy, till I cheated on him with his best friend. I cried a lot and he accepted me back. But after that I hurt him many times by talking and being in touch with the third person. He showed his anger every time he got hurt. And ill-treated me in response. Which has left me hurt a lot. I am afraid that I’ll lose my temper and that could even end in break up. What should I do?? Should I give up my self-respect to live with him? Or should I move on?

Hi Aval –

This is a really tough situation. On one hand, you’re very open and honest about where you’ve gone wrong. But on the other… you’ve gone wrong a lot. It was hurtful for you to cheat with his best friend, and more by keeping things going in a way he didn’t like.

But now, he’s treating you badly. And the danger is that he might keep on doing it as long as you’re together.

The hardest thing about your situation is that, if you’d just made one or two mistakes, I’d be telling you that you could just talk with him and promise never to cheat again, but say you also need him to treat you with more respect, so that you two can make a better relationship than you’ve ever had – but I worry that, if you did, he’d say “Why should I believe you? You’re a cheater and a liar!”

And this takes me to the bigger question – Does Continue reading

0 What to do when you get blamed for everything wrong in the relationship

Priyankasodhi asks: My 8 months long relationship ended. I wasn’t able to go to my beloved’s place so he said I don’t want to be anymore in this relationship. We loved each other a lot, but we used to fight a lot. He always blamed me for everything always. He used to say, “You ruin the whole mood, you are making me go!” But I never really said anything to him. For example, we were having a good convo and I said “I love you” and in funny tone “cause you ain’t going to say it,” and he got furious at me. He said, How could you say this to me?!” I would wonder, “What did I just said to him? I know we aren’t any longer together, but I still wonder, was it all my fault?

Hi Priyankasodhi –

We dogs are the most loyal animals ever. We love our humans, and put up with all sorts of mistreatment and even abuse (Don’t get the wrong idea; Handsome doesn’t abuse me, except sometimes he hugs me so tight it makes me cough!). But even we will run away if we’re treated too badly.

Now there may be a lot of things you’re not telling me. Maybe you screamed all sorts of insults at your boyfriend. Maybe you hit him with a frying pan. So I can’t say anything for sure. But I can definitely say it sounds like you were trying to make this relationship work, while he was trying to find ways to blame you all the time.

And if that’s the case, then I have a simple answer for you: No! It wasn’t your fault that it broke up; it was ALL HIS!

Relationships are hard, and they need both people to want them to work. And if one member would rather find ways to insult or blame than to make the other feel good, there’s just no way they can succeed.

There’s an old term called “gaslighting,” which comes from a great play and movie about an evil man making his wife think she’s going insane. Now this guy isn’t that bad (or as good at it!), but he sure seems to have put a lot of effort into making you think you were doing something wrong, when instead he was doing it all.

So again, my answer to you is no, it wasn’t your fault. But my far happier statement to you is that your life is about to get SO MUCH BETTER as you move on in your life without him, and find other friends, and even another boyfriend, who treat you fairly and decently. (And if you’re really lucky, you’ll find a dog too, who’ll give you all the kisses and crazy love you’ve deserved this whole time!)

All my best,

Shirelle