meghna98 asks: One month ago I met a guy in college. We liked each other and started dating. We were so happy. But then one day he said maybe in the future his parents won’t agree, so he doesn’t want to hurt me and broke up. I convinced him that we’ll make our careers and then convince his parents, but we’ll be in our relationship. He agreed but two days later he broke up, saying he doesn’t want to hurt me. He doesn’t even want to meet me because I’ll make him weak. But I want him back. I don’t want to give up so easily. I want to fight for us and make it work. The thing is he is very negative. I want to change his negative thoughts. I know he loves me and I want us to be together. What should I do?
Hi meghna98 –
This is an interesting situation. I get lots of questions from young people who want their parents to like their boyfriend or girlfriend, or who want to learn how to get their beloved’s parents to like them better. But you’re my first to have this problem.
And I have a feeling you’re not going to like my answer.
My friend, we all know the beautiful stories of Romeo and Juliet and West Side Story, and even Titanic, where someone rebels against their family to be with the person they love. And that, of course, is a very difficult situation for everyone.
But you’re in a different case. For you, your beloved is choosing his parents over you, and it’s breaking your heart. As it naturally would.
Now I don’t know what his reason is. Perhaps you two are of different races, or religions, or classes. Or maybe he has some other reason to think they wouldn’t accept you (such as that they already have another partner in mind for him). But whatever the reason is, he is accepting it. Which leaves you completely alone in this situation.
Now perhaps, he’s just being weak, and at some point will realize he loves you more than he cares about those values, and will come back to beg you to return to him.
But right now, he’s not doing it. In fact, the only thing he’s doing is trying to avoid hurting you any more than he has to.
So I’m going to give you one suggestion for right now, and then another one for once you’ve done that. The first is to write him a letter. To explain your point of view – how wrong he is, how much you love him, how he seems to be missing the beautiful possibilities of your future that you envision (just what you’ve already told him). Have it there, in print, so he can look at it now and later.
And once you’ve gotten that to him, as heartbreaking as it is, I want you to let go.
Yes, that’s what I said. Let go. Give him up. If that means you need to cut him out of your life completely, then go ahead and do that. But you simply have to move on.
You’ll hear stories about loyal dogs who stay, and even sleep, on the grave of their human. That’s a beautiful concept. But eventually those dogs have to go somewhere else, or they’ll die there. Now I’m not worried about you actually passing away, but you could let your youth die for this guy, and I don’t want you to.
So go out with friends, hang out with your family, see all the new movies, do anything to move on in your life.
And if he comes back to you, that’ll be great, and oh soooooo romantic!
But if he doesn’t, you’ll have started on the life you deserve. And here’s the big point about that – you do deserve a new life, for one simple reason: If he accepts his parents’ view that you’re not good enough for him, then he’s not good enough for you. Maybe that’s for a decent reason, like he wants to marry within his religion or culture. But still, while that doesn’t make him a bad person, it sure makes him bad for you. So move on.
And just like when you get injured, and doctors tell you to move that part of you as much as possible, it’ll hurt like crazy today, but the movement will mean it will feel better all that much sooner.
All my love,