Category Archives for "Questions"

0 How to choose between two great partners

Melanin asks: I am a 21-year-old lady who got into a relationship with a 24-yr-old gentleman for 5 months, and now he mentions he was scared to let me know he was already in 3 other relationships, but he decided to choose me so he’s working on ending the rest. And now I find myself liking a high school crush of mine again who appeared recently and treating me all nicely, saying he’s serious about me and want us to have a serious relationship. I don’t know what to do. How can you help me?

Hi Melanin –

You’re in that crazy situation I dream of, where someone puts a pizza on the floor at one end of a room, and someone else puts a lamb chop on the floor at the other end, and I have to decide which way to run.  Especially as I know that the one I don’t run to might disappear if I don’t pick it!

The funny thing about these dreams is that I don’t know if they’re good or bad dreams!  Sure, they’re frustrating, but at the same time, I either get pizza or lamb (or maybe both!).  So there’s nothing really bad in them, right?

Now, you’re very confused and frustrated in this situation. But I think you can look at it in a different way, and see it as a delightful treat.  The man you’ve been with has a problem with fidelity and honesty; he’s been great with you, but he was keeping three other women secret, right?  Then this other man has never treated you in any particular way, but he’s saying he wants to pursue you, and you’ve always had a crush on him.

So why not Continue reading

0 Is there Destiny?

PERFECTION asks: Do you believe in destiny? That at some point in our lives we are meant for someone (predestined, inevitable) to be the person that’ll be my lifetime companion? Or is it the other way around? I am the one who makes my own destiny. What do you think?

Hi PERFECTION –

Simple answer: I have no idea.

What you’re really asking is a big theological question about Cause: Is there a cause behind anything, and if so, what does that Cause cause?  Is life on Earth an accident or was it intended?  Do humans (or other animals) actually have free will?  Is there a Divine Plan?

There have been very wonderful people throughout history who have said that they’re sure of the answer to these.  I’m not a person, and I’m not sure.

But here’s the funny thing about it.  You ask if we make our own Destiny.  Well, if there is someone causing us to do what we do, then when we “make our own Destiny,” we’re actually fulfilling our Destiny!  And if there isn’t, then we’re making it happen.  So when we try to make our own Destiny, our Destiny happens, either way, right?!

In other words, let’s say it was written in the stars that you would write me this question.  But you didn’t write it because some booming voice came out of the sky to tell you to do so; you wrote it because you thought of it and wanted to.  Well, that means you wrote it!

We, however, feel the hand of Destiny in bigger issues.  Falling in love, or big disasters, or other big events.  Was it predestined that I would meet Handsome, that that bridge in Genoa would collapse this week, that the US would elect this president?

Maybe the most interesting thing to look at these days is climate change.  Certainly, if anything is predestined, it must be the weather; it’s so big and powerful.  But all the scientists in the world argue that humans are affecting it a lot.  So which is that?

Sorry, I’d love to give you a definite answer, but all I can give you is my own confusion.  But to add that, when I cuddle up in Handsome’s arms every night, it sure feels right, like it was meant to be!

All my best,

Shirelle

1 How to have an encounter with God

majority asks: what will I do to have an encounter with God?

Hi majority –

I’m just a dog, and not a theologian.  But my answer to your question would be to ask you what your sense of God is.

Lots of people feel God’s presence when they pray, or when they hear beautiful music, or when they experience children laughing with joy.

Maybe you feel it when you climb a mountain, or swim in the ocean, or paint a beautiful picture.

But those depend on what your sense of God is.  Other people could do all those things and say “I never felt any connection to anyone at all.”

Then of course many people believe we all will meet God when we die.

I’m not the one to tell you which of these is true.  All are possible.

But I will say that watching a sunset, even for a visually-impaired being like us dogs, it’s hard to not feel there’s some contact with something.  I’m just not the one to give it a name.

All my best,

Shirelle

0 What to do when you’re only attracting bad people

Tyna asks: I just feel awfully worthless. I recently broke up with my online boyfriend just because I couldn’t get myself to send him nudes. I tried to explain to him that I wasn’t comfortable with it. I hoped he would understand, but it turns out I was wrong. It somehow hurts. Actually it does hurt. Because he is not the first guy who has shown very little interest in me as a person. I feel horrible. Most guys that come into my life see me as a sex thing I guess. They talk about one or two things and the rest is about sex. All my friends have boyfriends who are committed to them. It hurts me because I don’t have one at this age. (22) when they receive phone calls from their boyfriends, I can’t help but admire them. I keep wondering how it feels to have someone who cares about you and checks on you from time to time, someone you can share everything with. I don’t know what to do. I feel demotivated to do anything. I just feel like no matter what I do, no one will appreciate me or notice me anyway.

Hi Tyna –

Ouch!  This letter hurts to read!  On a few counts!

So first I want to talk about him.  Obviously, I have nothing against online connections – you and I have one, after all!  But our relationship is very open.  I’ve offered to give you advice, you wrote me, and I’m writing you back.  That’s all fine.  But if I wrote you now and said “Send me a photo of your family,” I’d hope you’d be very weirded out!  “What is this dog doing?  Why does she want my family photo?  Something’s weird here!”

Similarly, if you met someone online, and they say they want to meet in person, then okay, I’m all for it (as long as you do it in a way where you know you’re safe).  Or if they ask for a photo, just to see what you look like.  But he’s asking for nudes.  That’s not what you showed up for.  (And certainly no one has any trouble finding photos of naked people online; even Vladimir Putin can be seen wearing hardly anything!).  No, he’s asking you to do something you’re very uncomfortable with, and I’m VERY VERY VERY VERY glad you said no!

You did the right thing.  Now if he asked if you’d be up for that and you said no, and he said, “Okay, sorry if I offended, I was just wondering,” and went right back to being the guy he’d been before, I’d say “fine, big deal.”  It’d be like when my human Handsome is cooking food and I come by asking for some and he says no, for whatever reason.  He shouldn’t be angry at me for asking, but I should also accept his answer (well… after trying a little!).

But second, what really hurts here is that this guy’s behavior adds to your experience of not being wanted for yourself.  And sure, it hurts to see your friends in relationships, I get that.  It’s like when I was in the pound, seeing other dogs get bought by people while I was left there to just sit in a cage… and eventually, maybe, far worse.

Now I wish I could tell you exactly how to find that great boyfriend, and get into a healthy relationship.  And I can’t.  But I can tell you one thing – getting Continue reading

0 How to deal with a can’t-live-with-can’t-live-without relationship

Sauvik asks: I am trapped in a relationship where I can’t even come out of it. I am in a situation where I am not happy without my girlfriend and also with her. What should I do?

Hi Sauvik –

I’m sure you’ve heard lots of songs that talk about your situation.  One of my favorites goes

I don’t like you

But I love you

Seems that I’m always

Thinking of you

Oh oh oh you treat me badly

I love you madly

You’ve really got a hold on me

Now maybe things aren’t as bad as you’re making them sound, but if you truly can’t be happy in this relationship, then I want you to think about anyone you’ve ever seen who struggles with an Continue reading

0 How to attract the right sort of people

sapearl asks: I notice that I attract men so easily – even when am not wearing makeup, no hairdo, most of my male friends always tell me that I have sexy eyes, charming voice, height, etc. I get embarrassed and laugh it off, but even with all of this I can’t get a man to be my own. Am I doing anything wrong? what should I do? I keep meeting the wrong guys. I need a man who is God-fearing, romantic, understanding, and financially ok. Please what do I do? Or should I just relax and have fun until the right person comes?

Hi sapearl –

You are learning something that lots of girls take a lifetime to grasp.  That all those great qualities in your face, voice, etc., are attractive, but aren’t everything.  There’s a great old movie called “Gentlemen Prefer Blondes,” where a gorgeous woman says (I might have the exact wording wrong) “Rich on a man is like pretty on a woman.  It’s not the most important thing, but wouldn’t you rather have it there than not?”

So you’re pretty and have a great voice.  But it’s not enough.

It’s like when I was in the pound, seeing other dogs get bought by people while I was left there to just sit in a cage… and eventually, maybe, far worse!

Now I wish I could tell you exactly how to find that great, God-fearing, stable boyfriend, and get into a healthy relationship. And I can’t.  But I can promise you one thing – getting these Continue reading

0 What to do if a boyfriend or girlfriend wants space to reconsider the relationship

naj asks: I’m a girl, 18 years of age, doing my graduation in physics. I have just been in a new relationship and to be honest, this is my first one. I found him from Instagram. I’ve known him for two months now. It’s been only three weeks since we started the relationship. He was very committed and caring and all. But then one day he met his ex-girlfriend’s friends and they said something and made him feel guilty for being in a relationship three months after their breakup. Now he says that he needs some space. He doesn’t show the same affection as he did in the beginning . He needs a break and he says that he’ll come back whatever happens. But he’s not sure about how long it will take. Would you suggest something? Should we actually break up?

Hi naj –

So you probably know the famous question, where someone fills a glass exactly halfway with water, and some people say it’s “half full,” while others say it’s “half empty.”

This is one of those situations.  The guy likes you, you like him, all’s great.  But these friends guilt-tripped him and he’s asking for space.

So if this was something that happened a lot, if he was always pulling away, I’d say that’s a worry.  But this is once.  And he’s saying he’ll be back.

I’m a “glass half full” sort of girl (most dogs are).  And so my suggestion is to Continue reading

0 Should you stay with someone you appreciate but aren’t attracted to

Fehyii asks: I have a guy who loves me but I am not too sure I love him. I like all he does for me. I feel I should be patient for him to get mature and start to look good then have some money. I don’t want to leave a good guy but I don’t feel love for him. I had a crush on him first and I don’t want him to be hurt or see me in a whole different way (bad way) when I tell him it does not feel the same. I don’t know if I should just be patient and see how things turn out or just leave him. We are not in a relationship yet but he’s the told me times and over that he loves me.

Hi Fehyii –

This is a tough situation.  You’re liking the potential for this guy, but not turned on by what’s there now.  As you say, you like all he does for you, but that’s not enough.

If you were drawn to him, but just not feeling “in love,” I’d definitely say to stick with the relationship for now, as there’s nothing bad happening and a lot of chance for something good.

But I will say I’m worried by the one line you say about being patient for him to “start to look good.”  Now it’s definitely true that love can make someone look better to you (I call my human “Handsome” because to me he’s the best-looking, best-smelling, most wonderful thing there is; I didn’t feel all those things the day we met – they took time). But if you don’t like his looks now, it’s doubtful you’re going to start liking them anytime soon.

I’m afraid that, if you want to do the very best thing, it would be to Continue reading

0 What to do when you realize you’ve been an abusive partner

Tracy asks: I’ve come to realize that I’m an abusive partner in my relationship; it’s been going on for a while now and I really need help. What can I do?

Hi Tracy –

Wow.

Well here’s the good news: you’ve already done 90% of the work.  With an issue like this, by far the biggest part of the job is realizing and admitting the problem.  What comes now isn’t easy, but it’s easier than what you’ve done.

I would argue that there are two things you’ll need to do.  One is to take your self-awareness up to the next level, and the only way I know to do that is to hire a therapist.  Someone who can work with you on the deep reasons why you have behaved in ways that don’t match your beliefs or your feelings.  (I say this because, if you thought that what you’d been doing was right, you would never have written me this question).  I don’t know where you live, but if it’s hard to find a traditional therapist there, other people with the right training can help also, such as a religious group leader, a school counselor, a psychiatrist… any of these are fine.  Just as long as it’s someone you can open up with, about all your experiences, who’s not going to treat you with shame or break your confidentiality by telling other people about the things you told them.

But there is a second part.  And that is to Continue reading

0 How to get to know a shy bookish person better

Anu asks: If guys are so shy that they might shiver in front of you while having an in-person conversation, and they are really bad at texting, how can a girl even try for him? The girl has already made the first move. He shows signs of liking her, but the problem is that he is a hardcore book nerd. What to do next?

Hi Anu –

I have a few pieces on my website about how to approach shy guys, but as you say, you’ve already done that.  And it’s worked.

So what next?  Well, I have a few thoughts, but I can’t guarantee any of them; they’re just ideas.

– if he’s a “hardcore book nerd,” get him talking about books.  Are you a reader too?  Maybe you could ask him about his favorite books, and read one of them.  (Or just see what he’s carrying around and try that too, though there’s then no way of knowing if he particularly likes it)

– talk to him about what YOU’RE interested in.  One thing about “book-nerds,” they spend tons of time experiencing what someone else (the author) finds interesting!  So he’s likely to be interested in what interests you – if you can sell it the right way.  For example, my human friend Handsome grew up at a school where there was lots of attention on American Football.  He didn’t like it much, and was particularly bored with the way people talked about it.  Then a few years ago, a friend told him about a TV series about high school football.  “Why would I want to watch that?!” he asked.  The person gave him very good arguments why, he watched it, loved it, and we saw every episode of the series.  (I mainly liked that the coach’s wife had my hair color!)

– help him with something he’s having trouble with at school.  If he’s so shy, maybe you can help him with something he’s too shy about.

– ask him to help you with something!  Does he know a lot about history, or science, or Harry Potter?  Figure out a reason to ask him about what he’s good at.  I’m sure he’ll love being able to help; shy guys love feeling valuable!

– and biggest of all… Continue reading