Should you stay with someone you appreciate but aren’t attracted to

Fehyii asks: I have a guy who loves me but I am not too sure I love him. I like all he does for me. I feel I should be patient for him to get mature and start to look good then have some money. I don’t want to leave a good guy but I don’t feel love for him. I had a crush on him first and I don’t want him to be hurt or see me in a whole different way (bad way) when I tell him it does not feel the same. I don’t know if I should just be patient and see how things turn out or just leave him. We are not in a relationship yet but he’s the told me times and over that he loves me.

Hi Fehyii –


This is a tough situation.  You’re liking the potential for this guy, but not turned on by what’s there now.  As you say, you like all he does for you, but that’s not enough.


If you were drawn to him, but just not feeling “in love,” I’d definitely say to stick with the relationship for now, as there’s nothing bad happening and a lot of chance for something good.


But I will say I’m worried by the one line you say about being patient for him to “start to look good.”  Now it’s definitely true that love can make someone look better to you (I call my human “Handsome” because to me he’s the best-looking, best-smelling, most wonderful thing there is; I didn’t feel all those things the day we met – they took time). But if you don’t like his looks now, it’s doubtful you’re going to start liking them anytime soon.


I’m afraid that, if you want to do the very best thing, it would be to tell him exactly where you’re at.  Tell him how much you appreciate him, and how you don’t want to lose him, but that you’re not feeling the same attraction and love he is.


And then, maybe you could encourage him in a few areas.  Might you be more attracted if he were in better physical shape?  You mention wanting him to be more mature.  Are there specific things he could do that might make you more interested?


Now if you do this, it will put him into a tough position.  I don’t want you to give any false guarantees; you’d be saying these changes “might” get you to this other level.


But if he’s as crazy about you as he says, maybe it’d be worth it to him to try.


And of course, the funny part is, if he does, and you find he still doesn’t “trip your trigger,” he’ll be a lot more attractive to others, and likely have a better life, because he did all this work for you!


But before you make that offer to him, really ask yourself the tough question – is it possible  that you could get more attracted to him?  If not, then the kinder act would be to tell him that you want to keep your relationship as friends.


Which isn’t a bad thing at all.  As almost anyone can tell you, friends are the best thing there is!


Best of luck,


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