Category Archives for "Life Skills"

0 How a teen can best deal with their parents’ divorce

paytay143 asks: I’m 18, and about to be a sophomore in college. And I don’t even know where to begin. I came to you once for advice about an issue with my boyfriend and it really helped so much. So now I’m here again. But this time, the issue I’m having revolves around my parents. You see, my parents are in the middle of a very nasty and ugly divorce. It started really in the fall of last year. So not exactly great timing for me, as things between my parents escalated right as I was starting my first year of college. You see my dad is somewhat of a functioning emotionally abusive alcoholic. And he has never once treated my mother the way she deserves to be treated. I could go on and on about how horrible it was to be around him most of the time, but to sum it up, being at my house, it was like walking on eggshells around him. Even the slightest thing would set him off. Then he’d scream and yell and blame us and then go out and get wasted with his friends. Then he’d come home and just be awful to all of us. My mom has tried to leave him TWICE. But stayed with him for the sake of my sister and I. Well eventually sometime this past December, my dad moved out. Things were great at my house. My mom, my sister and I were all getting along awesome and everything was great. We were like our own cute little sorority house. Then dad started getting nasty and saying awful things to our friends and family about my mom. He called her horrible names and even said he wished she was dead. When my sister and I confronted him about this, he denied everything. And things kept getting uglier and uglier. At this point, this whole ordeal is a rollercoaster. Some days are fine and everyone is civil. And some days my father is just an awful person and says horrible things and then tries to manipulate us into thinking he’s a victim and that everything is my mom’s fault. At this point I just want this all to be over. I’m just waiting for the day that this divorce is final, but my father is doing everything in his power to prolong the ordeal. And now he is threatening to push the sale of our house. Yep. My father is basically trying to kick my mom, my little sister and I out of our own home. And apparently there’s a 50/50 chance that he’ll get away with it. He has constantly ruined so many things for me. He ruined my first year of college, he scarred a good part of my childhood because he was drunk for a good 75% of it, and now he’s trying to take my home away. And I can’t help but feel like this divorce is my fault. That me going to college, and working so much, and having a boyfriend and not being around so much, created problems. It wasn’t always bad around my home, ya know? Sure there were bad days, but my dad had a lot of good days too. He’s a goofball and he made us laugh and he loved to be outdoors and do something cool. But in this case, that little amount of good wasn’t enough. And I can’t help but feel like I’m to blame sometimes. Like I could have done more to help. And throughout this whole year I have let so much guilt and anger and sadness consume me and I really sucked at my first year of college. I can’t help but feel like I’ve failed everyone around me; my mom, my dad, my sister, my boyfriend, my friends, my family. And I feel like I’m not good enough for them and that I don’t deserve any of them. And I have never felt more useless, pathetic, and alone. I have no idea how to make things better for myself. I have no idea even if things will ever get better. I had an enormous breakdown last night and I needed someone to talk to and no one was around. I felt all of these crazy thoughts and feelings and I even almost called a suicide hotline but didn’t because I felt pathetic. I am so lost and I don’t even know what to do to move forward. I’m not even sure if you can help me, but I just need someone to tell me something that isn’t just “oh don’t worry everything will be okay.” And I guess that’s it. I could go on and on but I’d probably just be repeating myself.

Hi paytay143 –

So first of all, I want you to look at a post I have on the AskShirelle website, about when divorces are the kids’ fault.  It was submitted by MyrnaFan1.  Please read it first.

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Okay.  Did you cheat and keep reading?

Well, if you did, here’s the answer:   NEVER.  It is literally impossible for a divorce to be the child’s fault.

Especially with the situation your parents are in. In fact, you’ve even been told by your mother that she tried to leave him twice before, but stayed for the sake of the children. So one could argue (although it was always her choice) that you were indirectly responsible for them not divorcing sooner.

Now if you’re asking whether having a mediator in the house, someone to work on their marriage, to help your father quit drinking and deal with his rage issues, to help your mother find the strength she needed… this super-person… if that could have helped them work things out and saved their marriage? I honestly don’t know. Maybe, maybe not.

But I do know, as sure as I know lambchops taste good, that THAT HAS NEVER BEEN YOUR JOB. In fact, I’d argue that, if you had tried to make it your job, you’d have failed. Not because you’re not smart or caring, but because you’re their kid. If your pain and wishes weren’t enough ten years ago to keep him from drunken rages, why would you have been able to stop them now? These people changed your diapers and taught you to use a spoon; they’re not going to even be able to see you into a place of power to change their whole way of being.

My human friend Handsome is a psychotherapist, and works with a lot of couples. They pay him well to be the ‘expert,’ and give them ways to fix what’s wrong in their relationships. And at least half of his suggestions never get taken. So I’m saying that there’s no way you could have fixed things if you’d been there.

In fact, from everything you’re telling me, I am thinking things are actually working out for the best. Yes it’s just awful right now, but look at what’s ahead: Your mother will be free of his anger and abuse, and won’t have to walk on eggshells anymore. Your father has a good chance of “hitting bottom,” which experts on addiction refer to as the point when an addict finally admits they need help and takes action to improve their lives. (You say he’s been “functioning;” well I’m liking the idea that he might be reaching the point where the dysfunction gets so strong he does some things to save his life!).

My friend, there’s an experience I see lots of teens go through when they first go to college. They’re away from home, from their parents, from all those rules and problems, for the first time, and it can get a little scary. I see them often start to think about their childhood in ways they never had before, start to wonder about books and movies they liked when they were five, and about things that all seemed normal before and suddenly now they’re realizing weren’t. And become as homesick as me in a kennel when Handsome’s been gone for two weeks!

So I’m guessing that, while your parents tried to protect you from their divorce when you were growing up, their timing has hit right when you were going through all of this. And so you, maybe more than you ever would have before, desperately wish you could put the pieces back together and re-create the best of your childhood, the fun times, the joking and laughter and love.

And instead you’re facing a future where your parents won’t even be in the same home.

This is HARD, paytay143! It’s not fair and it’s heartbreaking. And it’s what’s going on. And, sad as I am to say it, there is absolutely nothing you can do to change it.

But you CAN change the future.

How?

Well, for starters, your Continue reading

0 How to deal with a father who’s been in prison

Justinsbae asks: It’s Fathers’ Day once again, and I just feel like crying. I see everyone posting on social media about their dads and I’m just sitting here without one. I haven’t seen my dad since I was 3 or 4. I always assumed it was because he didn’t care, but then I see on the news this year that someone with the same name as him has been in prison for about 10 years, so maybe that was why he hasn’t come to see me. He also has a girlfriend and two other children. Anyway on to the advice bit. I need your help as he is getting out soon, and has contacted my mum and has asked to speak to me. But I’m not sure how I should do that as I hate talking on the phone and a text or letter can come off the wrong way. I feel the best way would be to meet him and tell him how much he has affected me, as that’s what I have always wanted to say to him. But I don’t think meeting him is possible as his girlfriend stopped sending me money through the post in the last two years apparently, so I’m guessing she wants nothing to do with me. Please help what is the best way of contacting him?

Hi justinsbae –

Wow!  This letter makes my heart hurt!  I am so sorry you’re going through all this!

You bring up a number of really difficult issues. Parents who have girlfriends or boyfriends or spouses who try to keep them from interacting with their kids; how to tell your parent about the effect they’ve had on you; how to talk with someone when you don’t like talking on the phone; having a parent in prison; and not knowing why you haven’t heard from your father in years. Any one of these is enough for me to write one of my usual posts on, and all of them together are… WOW!

So I’m going to have to pick and choose. I’ll start with the last one, which I think is the most important for you. The fact that you haven’t known why you haven’t heard from him. Did your mother know he was in prison? Has this been kept from you (maybe out of very loving reasons)? Or did she just find out too? Or are neither of you even sure he’s the man you heard about? Either way, Continue reading

0 How to attract teenage girls

uday asks: How to attract teenage girls

Hi uday –

I’ll throw an answer at you, but first, I have to make a confession.  As a pup, I really don’t recognize ages that well.  I certainly understand certain issues that pertain to teenagers more than to anyone else (final exams, drivers licenses, and zits, for example!).  But when it comes to something like what is attractive to teens, versus women in their 20s, the trends change so fast I can’t keep aware of them.  So I’ll give you some general thoughts, but you’ll have to make some of them more specific yourself, based on the teenage girls you know.

So how to attract women:

1) Like Them. You wouldn’t believe how often I see humans who want people they don’t actually like to be attracted to them! It won’t work (except with cat-like people who are attracted to people who despise them.  But they’ll just make your life difficult!).  So before you worry about how to be attractive, decide who you want to be attractive to, and why.  The more you get to know about them, the more you’ll see things you like and things you don’t.  And that’s good.  Imagine being a pop star who hated girls who loved their music.  It just wouldn’t make sense, would it?  Whereas it’s very clear that the Justin Biebers and Chainsmokers of the world really like their fans being their fans.  You sure don’t see them sneer at them “You’re so stupid, I only like people who love classical music!”  So find who you like, and find out more that you like about them, and that energy will pour off of you.

2)  Take Care of Yourself and Dress Well.  Now here’s a great example of what I mean when I say that you’ll have to determine this yourself.  There are girls out there who love skinny guys in t-shirts and jeans (Ever seen The Big Bang Theory, for example?).  There are others who like Justin Timberlake sorts who dress snazzy, are well-groomed, and practice dancing so much you can see it when they walk.  Then there are those who are drawn to guys with big muscles, who dress conservatively but in ways that show their strength.  But what all these guys share is that they actually do take care of themselves – whether by just eating healthy or by exercising a lot – and dress in a style that shows their pride in themselves.  Whereas the guys who try to hide by dressing dully, who don’t take care of their hair or teeth, who don’t like to look in the mirror, who treat their bodies badly by eating junky food or smoking or worse…  there’s nothing about them that’s attracting anyone.  So decide who you want to be… and BE it!

3) Be Continue reading

0 Why we get depressed when we’re in a transition

sugarcandy asks: I am about to begin university. There has been something that’s bothering me a lot. I don’t know if it’s just my anxiety acting up but lately, I feel so scared about my future. There have been very complicated things happening in my life. Family issues. And I just feel so uncertain about everything in my life. I don’t even know how to explain this to you. It’s just really confusing because I can’t pinpoint that one particular thing that’s bothering me. I question myself about this every night. The only reasonable thing I can think of is that maybe I’m just scared of losing. Cause over the last few years, I have lost a lot of people in my life that I didn’t want to lose. I feel like we just grew apart, almost all of them I don’t talk to anymore. And that worries me a lot. The thought of losing everything else that’s left. Like for example, money. I convinced myself like, this money has my back, like this money, can save me, it can still buy me happiness. And deep down, I know it’s not true. But I can’t help it when a person after person is leaving me. It’s like I replace them with money, which can at least buy me comfort and “temporary happiness.” In addition to that, I’ve seen some of my relatives going broke, and watching them go through the struggles of not having money, that even adds up more to my anxiety of losing it. I have a fear not being able to control my own life. Like, I know it’s impossible to know what will happen in the future but it frustrates me that if something bad did happen, I won’t be prepared for it. I know it sounds ridiculous but I don’t know. I used to believe that I could overcome any obstacles that come to me. But nowadays, I’m not sure if I still believe in it. Maybe I just need motivation, like real hard-core motivation. I have so much pressure from my family. I don’t have a lot of friends either. And this all just seems so scary to me. I don’t know what to do.

Hi sugarcandy –

There is absolutely nothing wrong with you. You’re correct about everything. Your letter shows me that you’re very mature and aware.

Now that’s not the response you expected, is it?!

Let me explain. If you ask a young child questions like “Do people go away?” “Do people die?” “Can someone run out of money?” they are very likely to give you the correct answer, “Yes.” But almost everyone, while they are growing up, faces moments when they really realize the possibility of loss. My human friend Handsome, for example, went to the funerals of his great-grandmother and his great-aunt when he was a child, but then, when he was a teenager, went through a complete period of shock when the father of a friend of his died – a man he wasn’t close to at all. His brain had literally developed to a degree where the death meant more to him than those others had.

Similarly, I’m sure you had childhood friends who moved away, or just decided they didn’t want to play with you, and those things made you sad. But now, as you’re finishing high school, your more mature brain is realizing how profound these losses are, and taking them in a completely new and different way.

And these realizations are GIGANTIC!

And of course, you have yet another reason to feel the power of all this, which is that you’re about to go through one of the biggest transitions of your life. I don’t think you mentioned in your letter, but are you actually moving away when you go to university? Leaving the home you’ve lived in your entire life?

Maybe a time one might start thinking deeply about loss!

So, again, I think you’re doing just fine. Though the lousy part of all this is the lack of motivation you’re feeling. Which also makes total sense.

I’m sure you’ve heard of Clinical Depression. It’s a horrible mental illness, based in chemical imbalances in the brain, and can ruin people’s lives. But there’s another thing, just regular everyday Depression, which everyone goes through – usually while in life transitions.

You see, your brain doesn’t quite know how to live in the new reality it’s about to enter. So it withdraws. Goes into almost a hibernation. While it figures out what it needs to about who you’re going to be next. I see this a lot in humans around age thirteen, as they deal with the changes going on in their bodies and interests. And going to college or university is another time it’s practically guaranteed.

Now you’ll notice that most of your schoolmates aren’t in the low, unmotivated, frightened mindset you are. Well, I’d say to give them six months to a year. And you’ll find nearly all of them get there. And every one will feel like they’re the first person ever to go through this! Even though you were just there!

In other words, sugarcandy, I’m saying yet again that you’re very mature and aware. More so than most teens at your stage of transition.

So I’m not going to give you cute platitudes – I’m not going to say Continue reading

0 How to return to an instrument after not practicing

arjai101 asks: A year ago, my mom switched careers. In order to do this, she had to pay for classes, attend etc. As a result, I had to stop taking piano lessons. She said I could start again in a few months once everything settled down and I would be out of town most of the summer anyways so I wouldn’t know the difference. But, here we are a year later and I’m still not taking lessons. At first, I practiced a ton. Even though I wasn’t taking lessons at the moment, I still wanted to hit the ground running when I did start again. As school started again and I realized it would be a long time before I’d get lessons. I suddenly just stopped playing. This also has to do with the fact that my mom and I rent two rooms in a friend’s house. The family is ALWAYS home; their kids are homeschooled. At first, I was just busy with school so I couldn’t really practice. In conjunction, I didn’t have a teacher pushing me or expecting anything from me, so I had no need. After a while, it became, I was afraid to practice because the family would hear and I used to be so good and now I sound like trash. Now, I’m afraid to look at, touch, or even hear a piano because it has been so long and I’m so afraid of all the hard work and money spent that went down the drain. It makes me so sad to think about it. It was a part of my life that defined me for so long and… I just don’t know anymore. And the worst part, I played today. And, it was worse than I had ever imagined. Everything is gone. I don’t even know what to do. I’ll probably never have lessons again. My family can’t afford it. (Despite the fact my mom makes more money than she did before this whole thing.) To rub salt in the wound, we still live with that family. Their kids take a million lessons and go to all kinds of ensembles and band this and that. Their parents practically beg them to practice, and they act like spoiled ungrateful brats. Here I am, and it all is just rotting away painfully. My mom is always like, just go play, it’s no big deal. But, it is a big deal. It’s painful to even be around other musicians, period. Just listening to classical music, it’s terrible. I miss music so much. I wish I could have what those kids have. I was just starting to really get somewhere when I had to stop. Everyone else got to keep progressing, and I got to go backward. Funny how nothing ever balances out. I have always had to overcome a very bad hand of cards and pretend like I’m just like everyone else and lie about my life and where I live. So forgive me world, if I choose to whine about this.

Hi Arjai101 –

Okay, so first things first: if there’s anyone anywhere who’s going to be okay with a little whining, it’s a dog! We whine all the time – out of fear, out of pain, out of excitement – so feel free to whine here all you like! In fact, when humans whine, it often makes us jump up into their laps and lick their faces, which it sounds like exactly what you need right now, so I’ll say it even more strongly: YES! WHINE!

Now, onto the piano. First, of course you must know I’m very jealous of you. I can’t play a single note on a piano (my paws are too big). The idea of playing a complex piece with melody, harmony, tone, complex time changes… hey I’ll be thrilled if I can come back in another lifetime and hammer out “Chopsticks!” So when you say you sound terrible, understand that, to me, you’re Lang-Lang, Bill Evans, and Jerry Lee Lewis all rolled into one! (Okay, I’ll admit, I had to get those names from Handsome; I love music but don’t know musicians that well!).

But I do know something about human nature. And I know that most humans judge themselves much more harshly than they do others. So I’m only guessing, but I’m going to suggest that maybe you aren’t nearly as bad on the piano right now as you think – although of course you are out of practice. So you’re not as good as you can be, or as good as you were a year ago. But I’m betting you aren’t horrible for others to hear.

Now you’ve heard stories of great athletes who get injured, right? They break their leg or their arm, or tear a muscle, and are unable to play their sport for a while. And there’s a chance they’ll never be as good as they used to be. But they work like crazy at recovering from their injury, and get back and are phenomenal again. Might they have been even better if they’d never been injured? Sure. But that’s not the way things went, and their goal is to simply be the best they can be. And they achieve it.

And your mother’s financial problems qualified as an injury for you. Your job now is just to Continue reading

0 How to move on from a bad relationship

Reena asks: I met a guy online. We are just 2 hrs away by flight btw but he never came down to see me neither allowed me to fly to see him. This guy is currently all of 27 yrs old, never worked a day in his life, his father still pays his bills. Dated more than half dozen women before me. He even admitted to me that he used to sleep around. And in his own words admitted he’s done the dirtiest nastiest things (sexually) I can imagine. We broke up last year but when I was with him he was overly concerned about not being taken advantage of. He wanted to marry me! I mean, why me?! Considering the kind of life he has lived, I am sure, he met better girls than me all those years. I need your insight into this. He treated me really badly when I was with him, but was hell-bent on marriage this time, I don’t know why. To the point where he kept terms and conditions before me stating that he can come to my town to meet me but we’ll not get physical but just hang out. I am a kid at heart and because I never had a boyfriend before (I am 27), I have a lot of unmet needs which he was extremely insensitive to. And because I never slept around like him, I never got my needs met. A need for security, stability, physical love (not sex), protection, etc. After our break up I met another guy and the obvious happened: we got physical too soon and I know why that happened. Simply because I was starved that much before. I mean, to be honest there’s a part of me whose self-esteem has taken a nice blow because 1) While he was in a live-in relationship with his ex, he never even came down once to see me (I know I shouldn’t compare but this is very telling); 2) Even when I met him, he was still in love with his ex; 3) He gave me nothing in the relationship. He lied lied and lied to me about soooo many things and was extremely secretive and manipulative. He has no job, no money, no life and can be extremely boring when he opens his mouth. Has mental health issues and often contradicts himself and has hygiene issues, doesn’t take care of himself, etc. Did I do right by walking away ?

Hi Reena –

Now I have to be honest here.  I’m very smart for a dog, but there might be other advisors on the internet who are even smarter than I, and might have some better advice to give.  There might be some who are wittier or more educated.

But no one, and I mean NO ONE, will ever judge you less than I do.  That’s what we dogs do – we love unconditionally.  And I’d no more judge you than I’d judge Handsome or a tree – to me, you all just are, and are perfect.

However, what I’m about to say might come off as the opposite of what I just said.

Because from everything you’re saying, this guy is a Continue reading

0 How to tell if someone being teased about you likes you

Shalini asks: I’m in a dance group.and everyone here teases my partner in dance by my name like as if there is something between us but only to him; no one teases me regarding him and everyone teases him like they don’t want me to know about it, like in a manner which should not be exposable to me. What should I make out of it since I have started liking him now? Earlier I didn’t, but now I do – I didn’t even think much about him till the teasing got me to give him a second look – and I want to know if he too likes me (which would be the most probable reason as to why all of them smile at him and tease him by my name). He’s a big joker, so are they just having fun with him, or do you think he actually likes me? How can I tell?

Hi Shalini –

Let me make sure I have this straight:  In your dance group, you have a partner you like, and you don’t know if he likes you or not, but everyone else teases him about liking you, while not teasing you.

Now I’m not a psychic, I’m only a dog.  But I can come up with only two reasons for the way they act.  One is great news, and the other is awful.

The great news is that everyone else can see that he really likes you, but you’re the only one who doesn’t see it.  So hopefully at some point he’ll say or do something to show you that he likes you, and then you can let him know how you feel, and everything will be like that movie everyone likes right now where you two dance up in the air in the observatory!

The awful one would be if everyone knows you like him, and he doesn’t care so much for you, so they’re all making fun of him for that fact, embarrassing him.  This one is bad enough already, but of course could get worse for both of you if you try to make something happen.

But why, if he’s a big joker and everyone likes to joke with him about things, would they choose to tease him about this one particular issue – his feelings (real or not) for you?  There are so many other things they could tease him about!

So although he’s not giving you any signs you can read, I’m still suspicious that the other members of the dance group know something you don’t.

So I really have three bits of advice.

First, and this is my biggest suggestion by far, pick out the Continue reading

0 How to find out if someone shy likes you

arjai101 asks: I suppose I’m contacting you because I think I’m deluding myself again. Remember how I said no one has ever liked me or what not? Well, I think someone might. Most of myself believes I’m just imagining it all. But, there is this one fleeting part that has somehow convinced myself that it might be true. Sometimes, I swear I see this person staring at me. Once again, I could be imagining this or just making things bigger than they really are. But, they always seem to hear what I say and respond when I think no one else is listening. They always seem slightly flustered when they ask me a question. They seem to actually find the stuff I say funny. I know I making this all bigger than it seems. They probably just think I’m a decent person to associate with or maybe they’re just using me. And even if they did like me, then what? The thought of it seems thrilling. But, I wouldn’t really know what to do. The whole ordeal is perplexing and mind consuming. Anyhow, am I deluding myself? What do I even do anyways?

Hi arjai101 –

Well you know that first I’m going to tell you you were always mistaken, because I like you and always have!  And I only wish I were able to meet you and jump on you and lick your face till you’re giggling so hard you scream for mercy… but I can’t, so you’ll just have to trust me on this one.

But as far as this other person goes… That’s Great!  I’m so glad someone finally figured out what I’ve always known about you!

Or at least they seem to.

So there are a million things you could do.  You can find lots of suggestions on my website – asking their friends, dropping hints, creating ways for them to be able to admit their feelings more easily, etc.

But in this particular case, I think there’s something even better you can do.  Which is simply to do what I would do: be friendly.

Is this person at school with you?  In a class of yours?  Ask them to help you study.  Are they someone you see in a park?  Ask them to join you in what you’re doing.  Someone you see at work?  Ask if you can help them with their tasks.

You see, it sounds like they’re very shy.  So trying to get them to open up and say “I have trouble falling asleep at night, but once my eyes close, all I can dream about is arjai101!” is going to be tough.  But you can make the connection between you two easier.

See here’s the big deal – you’re scared of what it might mean to be liked, but they’re scared of you!  Yes, I don’t think there’s anyone as scary to most people as the person they’re crushing on.  Think about it – a mean robber down an alleyway might hit you over the head and steal your money, but then they’ll run away.  But if you’re so crazy about someone that anything they do means the world to you, you’re in constant danger!

Handsome just reminded me of a folk song from maybe two hundred years ago, with the line “She wept with delight when he gave her a smile, and trembled with fear at his frown.”  Now that is a crush!

So make it easier on this person, if they are liking you a lot, and get some connection going.

And if their staring and actions don’t turn out to mean what you thought, then no big deal, you’ve just been friendly to someone shy.  That just makes you a terrific person, regardless!

But you know I’m hoping they’re flat-out nuts about you!  (like ME!)

Can’t wait to hear!

Shirelle

0 Is it wrong to return a text to your friend’s boyfriend?

SEND HELP asks: So a few minutes ago I texted this guy just joking around, doing the same thing as he did to me in school today and the conversation kind of got awkward and I regret doing it. First he was like “who’s this” and so I replied and we had a small talk and then he was like “why’d you text me anyways?” So I just replied with something along the lines of “payback for school today”. I know it’s awkward but he’s in a relationship with my best friend and I’m just praying to God that he doesn’t tell her about our text and I just hope he doesn’t think I like him because I DO NOT. I’m just in Grade 6 now so a girl texting a guy is REALLY awkward if you’re not that close. PLEASE HELP I’M LITERALLY GONNA DIE IF HE TELLS MY FRIEND IDK WHAT TO DO.

Hi SEND HELP –

I’m afraid my response might be late, because you probably had to deal with any consequences of your text a few hours after you wrote me!

But in case it’s still going on, here’s my response:

You didn’t do anything wrong.  Your friend’s boyfriend was sending you joking texts, and you responded by sending one back.  I don’t see a problem.

In fact, if he was joking around with you and you completely ignored him, your friend’s feelings might have been hurt.  “Why are you treating my boyfriend so coldly?  Don’t you like me anymore?!”

To be honest, the greatest danger I see is that he might like you, and is flirting with you, and doesn’t stop.  So if he keeps texting, you might write him back (in a friendly way) something like “I can’t talk, sorry.  In the middle of homework.  Besides, you should be texting your girlfriend!  Ask her about what happened in math class today; it was hilarious!”

See where I’m going?  You can be friendly, but still direct his attention to her, away from you.  Hopefully he gets the message.

But even better, he’s hopefully just joking around, being friendly to his girlfriend’s friends, and proving he’s a great, fun, guy – just the sort you’d hope she’d be with.  The kind of friend, or boyfriend or girlfriend, or husband or wife, or dog, we all hope our friends are surrounded by.

All my best,

Shirelle

0 Is it a good idea to go to college early?

arjai101 asks: I don’t really know what to do anymore. I guess I’m just over high school. There is absolutely nothing for me there anymore. I realized that yesterday. My friend canceled on me…again, but, still managed to go on a triple date the night before on a whim with people she doesn’t even really like. The friends I do have don’t really do it for me, never really did, to be honest. Actually, everyone and I mean everyone you could think of is dating or got something going on with someone else and I can’t even find just a normal friend to hang out with me on the weekend. I have a license and nowhere to go, just as my mom long prophesized. I’ve been thinking of just going to college two years early, I got into a state university, and I’m taking some math classes there this summer. And I’m applying to another university, which has a great engineering program for their fall semester. If I get in there, I’m definitely not going back to high school. I’m tired of taking classes that don’t fuel my drive. I feel like everyone just thinks terrible things about me. No one takes me seriously. The administration and teachers who are supposed to vouch for me don’t even remember my face when I wave at them in the hall, even though I was in their class just last semester. I feel so lonely. Well, I’ve felt so lonely these past few days. I’m an extrovert; I need people. But, I feel like an unwanted burden to everyone. I don’t think there is anything wrong with me. In theory, I feel that I’m a pretty cool person to hang around. All I feel is just shallow acquaintances. What should I do? Should I just skip out on the last two years of high school? How do I meet people outside of this suffocating circle? I feel like I go to places where I should meet people, but people are so distant. I’m horribly frustrated. I need a breath of fresh air. I need to feel valued.

Hi arjai101 –

I understand this completely.  I was very good in obedience class when Handsome took me there, actually was the best student in the class I’m proud to say, but I never liked it (except that I got a lot of treats when I learned things correctly).  So I was very happy to leave it, and would have loved leaving it earlier if I could have.

And if you’re such a good student that you can get into an engineering school this early, I can’t really give you a good reason why you shouldn’t do it.  But I can suggest that you use that great mind of yours to really think it out before you make a decision.

One of my favorite humans is a young woman who works with my friend Handsome.  She’s brilliant and funny and kind and… did I say “young?”  She’s this young, and this far along in her career, because she started college when she was fifteen years old!  She then went straight through it and immediately went to graduate school, so she had her Masters’ Degree when she was twenty-one, an age when most people are still undergraduates!

And when she gets asked about whether it was the right thing or not, she never gives a simple, straight answer.  She loved the intellectual stimulation, and, like you, loved being away from the immaturity she saw in some high-schoolers.  But she was also very young, compared to her classmates.  And of course, college and university classes include students from all the years there, so imagine – she was fifteen sitting next to people over twenty in class, all the time!

So it was great, but it was also very isolating.  College is a time when people tend to grow very quickly – in relationships, in attitudes, in intellectual maturity.  And as bright as she was, she was way behind the rest.  So it was a bit lonely for her.

But at the same time, she liked a lot about it.  And she came through it just fine, and has a great life today (which includes, maybe no surprise, that she has a boyfriend a good deal older than she!  Maybe she kind of got used to that back then!).

So I can’t tell you yes or no on this decision; all I can tell you is to treat it like a scientific experiment – to learn everything you can about everything involved, and look at all the variables, and then make the wisest choice you’re able to.  And I think I can guarantee that, whatever you decide, you’ll like some things about whichever road you take, and you won’t like some others about it… and either way you’ll end up the wonderful thoughtful smartie you are – just with different life experience!

Can’t wait to hear what you decide!

Shirelle