Category Archives for "Featured Questions"

0 What to do when your boyfriend lies to you about his ex?

RoxchemaeAce asks: What am I gonna do with my boyfriend? I mean he had this girl friend before I met him, and as I was scrolling their messages from before, I discovered that there was something going on between them in the past but my boyfriend denies it. And now, the girl is always messaging him and telling him about what’s happening in her life and all. And it’s kinda irritating knowing that they had something, sort of feelings, before I met him. My boyfriend offered to get that girl blocked from both of our social media but I think it’s my pride who’s interfering, for I felt that it’s not the right thing to do (though I really want it). Urghhhh! It’s just so frustrating -_- though my boyfriend always says that it’s nothing, but something’s in me that keeps me suspicious. He says he loves me and that I’m his girlfriend now, but I really think and feel that there’s something, and I don’t know what that something is :’(

Hi RoxchemaeAce –

This is a tough issue for me to answer.  I don’t really know what’s going on inside him, and neither do you, so it makes this all difficult.

But two things stick out to me.  First, it does sound like his ex is paying a lot of attention to him, and looking for him to pay attention to her.  Which can be really irritating.  And second, that he’s trying to cover up something.

Now it’s perfectly possible that he is just trying to be friends with her, and that when he tells you there was nothing between them, he’s just trying to keep you happy.  This isn’t a terrible thing, though I’d prefer it if he felt okay telling you everything.

But it’s also possible that there is something going on between them, still, and he’s not telling you about that either.

So my suggestion, if you want to try it, would be to confront him and say “Look.  There’s no way there was ‘nothing between you’ before, because she was your girlfriend.  So I need you to tell me the truth about you two.  Tell me if you’re still interested in her, tell me if she’s being annoying and you’re trying to protect her, tell me if you guys are great friends… I just need to know.”

Now this idea could provide two possible bad scenarios: one that he doesn’t like being confronted like that, and two that he tells you something you don’t want to hear.  So it might be a better idea to let more time go by and see what happens.

But whichever you do, please know, I’m really sorry you have to go through this worry.  And I do hope it will get much better, soon.

All my best,

Shirelle

0 Why a man would suddenly be interested in marriage

Reena asks: It is a stereotype that men get scared of marriage. But why would any guy talk marriage within the first three weeks of dating? Furthermore, it makes me feel like he wants marriage more than he wants me! I know a few female friends who admitted to me that they played with their man’s mind to get what they wanted (marriage). Now I don’t fall into that stereotype. I am not someone who is super excited about marriage and has planned her babies’ names and what kind of house we’ll buy, etc. So what’s happening here? Is the “law of nature” at work here? That whatever you chase in life runs away from you, and whatever you run away from, runs after you?! Is it that, because am not that keen on marriage, it’s gotten him more interested in it, or is he just plain desperate?

Hi Reena –

My human friend Handsome is a great lover of animals, all animals. Of course I’m his favorite, but he’s the kind of guy who finds ants and elephants fascinating, and adores all sorts of pets. So, unlike me, he even likes cats. But he is allergic to them, which is one reason he doesn’t have one (…and I’m another!).

So when he goes to a party at someone’s house, and they have a cat, he’s usually the one person there trying to stay away from little PussPuss. Everyone else is oohing and aahing and trying to pet or play with the furball, while he steps to the other side of the room.

And so who do you think that stupid cat is drawn to, every time?! Not the fifty people who want to stroke its ears and sneak it a bit of salmon. No, he zeroes in on Handsome like a high-tech missile, rubbing against his leg, purring to wake the dead. And then Handsome’s too nice to kick the cat away, as some would (or chase him out of the neighborhood, as I would!).

And so one answer to your question is: Yes. A lot of people are like cats. And if you tell them you want marriage and babies and eternal love, they’ll run off to sea, but if you tell them you want to stay independent, they suddenly want to start picking out wedding china. It’s human nature, just like it’s cat nature. (Though hardly ever dog nature. I think we’re just smarter than the rest!)

Another, more romantic, version of this concept is that relationships are like a dance. And when couples dance, they usually stay a certain distance apart. So when one steps forward, the other steps back, and so on.

So it’s possible that this guy is just drawn to these thoughts about marriage in that way, excited by your lack of interest.

But it’s also possible he’s just a wild romantic and has always been looking for the woman he can commit with, or that he’s never been that way before but is so nuts about you he’s suddenly all about this… Or he has another agenda.

For example, in my country, people from other countries often try to get married to locals in order to gain legal citizenship. And then we’ve all heard creepy stories of people marrying someone for their money or their name.

So Reena, all I can do is throw out these ideas. I don’t have any reason to think any one of them is correct about him.

But in the meantime, I’d say to just Continue reading

0 Why we get depressed when we’re in a transition

sugarcandy asks: I am about to begin university. There has been something that’s bothering me a lot. I don’t know if it’s just my anxiety acting up but lately, I feel so scared about my future. There have been very complicated things happening in my life. Family issues. And I just feel so uncertain about everything in my life. I don’t even know how to explain this to you. It’s just really confusing because I can’t pinpoint that one particular thing that’s bothering me. I question myself about this every night. The only reasonable thing I can think of is that maybe I’m just scared of losing. Cause over the last few years, I have lost a lot of people in my life that I didn’t want to lose. I feel like we just grew apart, almost all of them I don’t talk to anymore. And that worries me a lot. The thought of losing everything else that’s left. Like for example, money. I convinced myself like, this money has my back, like this money, can save me, it can still buy me happiness. And deep down, I know it’s not true. But I can’t help it when a person after person is leaving me. It’s like I replace them with money, which can at least buy me comfort and “temporary happiness.” In addition to that, I’ve seen some of my relatives going broke, and watching them go through the struggles of not having money, that even adds up more to my anxiety of losing it. I have a fear not being able to control my own life. Like, I know it’s impossible to know what will happen in the future but it frustrates me that if something bad did happen, I won’t be prepared for it. I know it sounds ridiculous but I don’t know. I used to believe that I could overcome any obstacles that come to me. But nowadays, I’m not sure if I still believe in it. Maybe I just need motivation, like real hard-core motivation. I have so much pressure from my family. I don’t have a lot of friends either. And this all just seems so scary to me. I don’t know what to do.

Hi sugarcandy –

There is absolutely nothing wrong with you. You’re correct about everything. Your letter shows me that you’re very mature and aware.

Now that’s not the response you expected, is it?!

Let me explain. If you ask a young child questions like “Do people go away?” “Do people die?” “Can someone run out of money?” they are very likely to give you the correct answer, “Yes.” But almost everyone, while they are growing up, faces moments when they really realize the possibility of loss. My human friend Handsome, for example, went to the funerals of his great-grandmother and his great-aunt when he was a child, but then, when he was a teenager, went through a complete period of shock when the father of a friend of his died – a man he wasn’t close to at all. His brain had literally developed to a degree where the death meant more to him than those others had.

Similarly, I’m sure you had childhood friends who moved away, or just decided they didn’t want to play with you, and those things made you sad. But now, as you’re finishing high school, your more mature brain is realizing how profound these losses are, and taking them in a completely new and different way.

And these realizations are GIGANTIC!

And of course, you have yet another reason to feel the power of all this, which is that you’re about to go through one of the biggest transitions of your life. I don’t think you mentioned in your letter, but are you actually moving away when you go to university? Leaving the home you’ve lived in your entire life?

Maybe a time one might start thinking deeply about loss!

So, again, I think you’re doing just fine. Though the lousy part of all this is the lack of motivation you’re feeling. Which also makes total sense.

I’m sure you’ve heard of Clinical Depression. It’s a horrible mental illness, based in chemical imbalances in the brain, and can ruin people’s lives. But there’s another thing, just regular everyday Depression, which everyone goes through – usually while in life transitions.

You see, your brain doesn’t quite know how to live in the new reality it’s about to enter. So it withdraws. Goes into almost a hibernation. While it figures out what it needs to about who you’re going to be next. I see this a lot in humans around age thirteen, as they deal with the changes going on in their bodies and interests. And going to college or university is another time it’s practically guaranteed.

Now you’ll notice that most of your schoolmates aren’t in the low, unmotivated, frightened mindset you are. Well, I’d say to give them six months to a year. And you’ll find nearly all of them get there. And every one will feel like they’re the first person ever to go through this! Even though you were just there!

In other words, sugarcandy, I’m saying yet again that you’re very mature and aware. More so than most teens at your stage of transition.

So I’m not going to give you cute platitudes – I’m not going to say Continue reading

0 How to return to an instrument after not practicing

arjai101 asks: A year ago, my mom switched careers. In order to do this, she had to pay for classes, attend etc. As a result, I had to stop taking piano lessons. She said I could start again in a few months once everything settled down and I would be out of town most of the summer anyways so I wouldn’t know the difference. But, here we are a year later and I’m still not taking lessons. At first, I practiced a ton. Even though I wasn’t taking lessons at the moment, I still wanted to hit the ground running when I did start again. As school started again and I realized it would be a long time before I’d get lessons. I suddenly just stopped playing. This also has to do with the fact that my mom and I rent two rooms in a friend’s house. The family is ALWAYS home; their kids are homeschooled. At first, I was just busy with school so I couldn’t really practice. In conjunction, I didn’t have a teacher pushing me or expecting anything from me, so I had no need. After a while, it became, I was afraid to practice because the family would hear and I used to be so good and now I sound like trash. Now, I’m afraid to look at, touch, or even hear a piano because it has been so long and I’m so afraid of all the hard work and money spent that went down the drain. It makes me so sad to think about it. It was a part of my life that defined me for so long and… I just don’t know anymore. And the worst part, I played today. And, it was worse than I had ever imagined. Everything is gone. I don’t even know what to do. I’ll probably never have lessons again. My family can’t afford it. (Despite the fact my mom makes more money than she did before this whole thing.) To rub salt in the wound, we still live with that family. Their kids take a million lessons and go to all kinds of ensembles and band this and that. Their parents practically beg them to practice, and they act like spoiled ungrateful brats. Here I am, and it all is just rotting away painfully. My mom is always like, just go play, it’s no big deal. But, it is a big deal. It’s painful to even be around other musicians, period. Just listening to classical music, it’s terrible. I miss music so much. I wish I could have what those kids have. I was just starting to really get somewhere when I had to stop. Everyone else got to keep progressing, and I got to go backward. Funny how nothing ever balances out. I have always had to overcome a very bad hand of cards and pretend like I’m just like everyone else and lie about my life and where I live. So forgive me world, if I choose to whine about this.

Hi Arjai101 –

Okay, so first things first: if there’s anyone anywhere who’s going to be okay with a little whining, it’s a dog! We whine all the time – out of fear, out of pain, out of excitement – so feel free to whine here all you like! In fact, when humans whine, it often makes us jump up into their laps and lick their faces, which it sounds like exactly what you need right now, so I’ll say it even more strongly: YES! WHINE!

Now, onto the piano. First, of course you must know I’m very jealous of you. I can’t play a single note on a piano (my paws are too big). The idea of playing a complex piece with melody, harmony, tone, complex time changes… hey I’ll be thrilled if I can come back in another lifetime and hammer out “Chopsticks!” So when you say you sound terrible, understand that, to me, you’re Lang-Lang, Bill Evans, and Jerry Lee Lewis all rolled into one! (Okay, I’ll admit, I had to get those names from Handsome; I love music but don’t know musicians that well!).

But I do know something about human nature. And I know that most humans judge themselves much more harshly than they do others. So I’m only guessing, but I’m going to suggest that maybe you aren’t nearly as bad on the piano right now as you think – although of course you are out of practice. So you’re not as good as you can be, or as good as you were a year ago. But I’m betting you aren’t horrible for others to hear.

Now you’ve heard stories of great athletes who get injured, right? They break their leg or their arm, or tear a muscle, and are unable to play their sport for a while. And there’s a chance they’ll never be as good as they used to be. But they work like crazy at recovering from their injury, and get back and are phenomenal again. Might they have been even better if they’d never been injured? Sure. But that’s not the way things went, and their goal is to simply be the best they can be. And they achieve it.

And your mother’s financial problems qualified as an injury for you. Your job now is just to Continue reading

0 How to move on from a bad relationship

Reena asks: I met a guy online. We are just 2 hrs away by flight btw but he never came down to see me neither allowed me to fly to see him. This guy is currently all of 27 yrs old, never worked a day in his life, his father still pays his bills. Dated more than half dozen women before me. He even admitted to me that he used to sleep around. And in his own words admitted he’s done the dirtiest nastiest things (sexually) I can imagine. We broke up last year but when I was with him he was overly concerned about not being taken advantage of. He wanted to marry me! I mean, why me?! Considering the kind of life he has lived, I am sure, he met better girls than me all those years. I need your insight into this. He treated me really badly when I was with him, but was hell-bent on marriage this time, I don’t know why. To the point where he kept terms and conditions before me stating that he can come to my town to meet me but we’ll not get physical but just hang out. I am a kid at heart and because I never had a boyfriend before (I am 27), I have a lot of unmet needs which he was extremely insensitive to. And because I never slept around like him, I never got my needs met. A need for security, stability, physical love (not sex), protection, etc. After our break up I met another guy and the obvious happened: we got physical too soon and I know why that happened. Simply because I was starved that much before. I mean, to be honest there’s a part of me whose self-esteem has taken a nice blow because 1) While he was in a live-in relationship with his ex, he never even came down once to see me (I know I shouldn’t compare but this is very telling); 2) Even when I met him, he was still in love with his ex; 3) He gave me nothing in the relationship. He lied lied and lied to me about soooo many things and was extremely secretive and manipulative. He has no job, no money, no life and can be extremely boring when he opens his mouth. Has mental health issues and often contradicts himself and has hygiene issues, doesn’t take care of himself, etc. Did I do right by walking away ?

Hi Reena –

Now I have to be honest here.  I’m very smart for a dog, but there might be other advisors on the internet who are even smarter than I, and might have some better advice to give.  There might be some who are wittier or more educated.

But no one, and I mean NO ONE, will ever judge you less than I do.  That’s what we dogs do – we love unconditionally.  And I’d no more judge you than I’d judge Handsome or a tree – to me, you all just are, and are perfect.

However, what I’m about to say might come off as the opposite of what I just said.

Because from everything you’re saying, this guy is a Continue reading

0 What’s a good age for dating?

FORLLAH asks: I asked you a question recently concerning if I can date my friend’s ex. We’ve started dating, but I’m having a disturbed min. I’m 21 and he’s a year older than me. Do you think it would be appropriate to date him? Do you think I’d be respectful to him?

Hi FORLLAH –

This is a very easy question for me to answer: no problem at all!

If you and he were younger, I’d have a few concerns – some places have laws about what ages are okay for dating which ages, and when you’re much younger (say 11 and 12) I’d have concerns about what you mean by dating.

But at 21 and 22, you two are fine.  There are reasons why most societies say one is an adult at age 21.  You’re still growing and learning and maturing, sure, but you’ve learned a lot, and are ready to be treated as adults.

But there’s another issue here, about men and women.  Little girls mature much faster than little boys.  Emotionally and physically, a ten-year-old girl is probably equivalent to a thirteen-year-old boy, on average.  And while of course boys’ physical maturity catches up soon, emotionally girls do tend to be a bit more mature  than boys, up to even age 30 or so.

(or, some women would argue, forever through life!)

Now I’m not saying this to brag that you and I are so great and that fellows like this guy of yours and my Handsome are wonderful but inferior (although… oops… I did just say it didn’t I!).  But rather to say that your dating a guy a year older than you is perfect – you’re just the right ages for each other!  You’re actually more equal than if you were the same age!

So of course, I know there are many other issues here, and there might be perfectly good reasons why you two shouldn’t get together.

But age is NOT one of them.

Thanks!

0 How to stop an older sibling from acting out

Schulte asks: I am trying to figure out how to get my 3-year-old son to stop biting at preschool and fighting with the other kids for their toys. His father and I have been taking his toys away and grounding him to his room and giving him an early bed time when we get a report from his teacher that day saying he bites. We also talk to him telling him that is bad. He has a 6-month-old baby brother who has been teething so a lot of attention has been on his little brother. We pay attention to our older son and play with him.

Hi Schulte –

Oh boy did you write the right advisor on this!!!  For the first two years of my life, biting was my greatest joy!  I don’t remember everything, but Handsome tells me I basically ate, slept, and breathed only in order to chew and bite.  I bit him LOTS, bit everyone else when I could, and chewed up EVERYTHING in our house!  So I relate fully to both your youngest son, who has to teethe just as I did, and your older one, who’s expressing all sorts of emotions by biting.  I was both!

But you already know how to handle your younger kid.  It’s that older one who’s making things difficult.  And as I said before, I do think his biting comes from some emotional places.  And I’m mainly going to guess one:  that younger brother!

See, when a human is an only child, the whole world revolves around them, and they don’t know anything else.  Their parents can love each other, or love movies or chocolate or their jobs, but their parental love is only for “me.”  And then if those parents have another kid, that whole universe is shattered.  Even in the best of homes with the most attentive of parents (as you seem to be).

Now if your son was older, say 7 or so, when you had that second baby, he would have much more awareness of this situation.  But being so young, all his reactions to his baby brother (most likely both gigantic love and huge resentment) are unconscious.

And – and here’s my biggest point – one of the most common ways for a child to react to something life-changing is to regress, to behave younger than they are, in a wish that the world would go back to the way things were then.  (This is true of us too – puppies don’t mature in a straight line, we’ll have times of acting young again – and even as adults, we can suddenly start acting like puppies.  Like peeing in the house, for example).

So your son WILL get better.  He WILL stop biting, and start acting more mature.  But right now, biting serves two purposes – it gives him a way to act out his aggression, and it lets him act the same age and stage as his baby brother!

So what we want is not so much to Continue reading

0 How to tell if someone being teased about you likes you

Shalini asks: I’m in a dance group.and everyone here teases my partner in dance by my name like as if there is something between us but only to him; no one teases me regarding him and everyone teases him like they don’t want me to know about it, like in a manner which should not be exposable to me. What should I make out of it since I have started liking him now? Earlier I didn’t, but now I do – I didn’t even think much about him till the teasing got me to give him a second look – and I want to know if he too likes me (which would be the most probable reason as to why all of them smile at him and tease him by my name). He’s a big joker, so are they just having fun with him, or do you think he actually likes me? How can I tell?

Hi Shalini –

Let me make sure I have this straight:  In your dance group, you have a partner you like, and you don’t know if he likes you or not, but everyone else teases him about liking you, while not teasing you.

Now I’m not a psychic, I’m only a dog.  But I can come up with only two reasons for the way they act.  One is great news, and the other is awful.

The great news is that everyone else can see that he really likes you, but you’re the only one who doesn’t see it.  So hopefully at some point he’ll say or do something to show you that he likes you, and then you can let him know how you feel, and everything will be like that movie everyone likes right now where you two dance up in the air in the observatory!

The awful one would be if everyone knows you like him, and he doesn’t care so much for you, so they’re all making fun of him for that fact, embarrassing him.  This one is bad enough already, but of course could get worse for both of you if you try to make something happen.

But why, if he’s a big joker and everyone likes to joke with him about things, would they choose to tease him about this one particular issue – his feelings (real or not) for you?  There are so many other things they could tease him about!

So although he’s not giving you any signs you can read, I’m still suspicious that the other members of the dance group know something you don’t.

So I really have three bits of advice.

First, and this is my biggest suggestion by far, pick out the Continue reading

0 How to find out if someone shy likes you

arjai101 asks: I suppose I’m contacting you because I think I’m deluding myself again. Remember how I said no one has ever liked me or what not? Well, I think someone might. Most of myself believes I’m just imagining it all. But, there is this one fleeting part that has somehow convinced myself that it might be true. Sometimes, I swear I see this person staring at me. Once again, I could be imagining this or just making things bigger than they really are. But, they always seem to hear what I say and respond when I think no one else is listening. They always seem slightly flustered when they ask me a question. They seem to actually find the stuff I say funny. I know I making this all bigger than it seems. They probably just think I’m a decent person to associate with or maybe they’re just using me. And even if they did like me, then what? The thought of it seems thrilling. But, I wouldn’t really know what to do. The whole ordeal is perplexing and mind consuming. Anyhow, am I deluding myself? What do I even do anyways?

Hi arjai101 –

Well you know that first I’m going to tell you you were always mistaken, because I like you and always have!  And I only wish I were able to meet you and jump on you and lick your face till you’re giggling so hard you scream for mercy… but I can’t, so you’ll just have to trust me on this one.

But as far as this other person goes… That’s Great!  I’m so glad someone finally figured out what I’ve always known about you!

Or at least they seem to.

So there are a million things you could do.  You can find lots of suggestions on my website – asking their friends, dropping hints, creating ways for them to be able to admit their feelings more easily, etc.

But in this particular case, I think there’s something even better you can do.  Which is simply to do what I would do: be friendly.

Is this person at school with you?  In a class of yours?  Ask them to help you study.  Are they someone you see in a park?  Ask them to join you in what you’re doing.  Someone you see at work?  Ask if you can help them with their tasks.

You see, it sounds like they’re very shy.  So trying to get them to open up and say “I have trouble falling asleep at night, but once my eyes close, all I can dream about is arjai101!” is going to be tough.  But you can make the connection between you two easier.

See here’s the big deal – you’re scared of what it might mean to be liked, but they’re scared of you!  Yes, I don’t think there’s anyone as scary to most people as the person they’re crushing on.  Think about it – a mean robber down an alleyway might hit you over the head and steal your money, but then they’ll run away.  But if you’re so crazy about someone that anything they do means the world to you, you’re in constant danger!

Handsome just reminded me of a folk song from maybe two hundred years ago, with the line “She wept with delight when he gave her a smile, and trembled with fear at his frown.”  Now that is a crush!

So make it easier on this person, if they are liking you a lot, and get some connection going.

And if their staring and actions don’t turn out to mean what you thought, then no big deal, you’ve just been friendly to someone shy.  That just makes you a terrific person, regardless!

But you know I’m hoping they’re flat-out nuts about you!  (like ME!)

Can’t wait to hear!

Shirelle

0 When a teenager’s life makes no sense

Daisaie asks: I’ve never been so depressed and broken. My parents are always yelling at me because apparently I’m failing to become the daughter they expect and things has gotten worse since last year. The class teacher is also making the matter worse. I try keeping myself motivated but it’s not working anymore. I’ve fell down from being a top student to failing in most subjects now. They never support me rather they end up discouraging me. Their comments have hurt me to the bottom of my heart and I’ll never be able to forget those. I’ve lost interest in everything. I seriously can’t take it anymore! I can’t even get a counselor. I really wanna get out of this mess so help me please.

Hi Daisaie –

Wow is this a sad letter!

You sound to me like you’re in a full-on depression.  That’s not abnormal, especially for a teenager.  In fact, I’ve never known a teenage human to get from ten years old to twenty without getting depressed.  But I know, that doesn’t make it any easier when you’re in the middle of it.

Still, I want to give you some perspective on it.  Being a teenager is, I think, the toughest part of most humans’ lives.  You go from the world making sense in certain ways, as a child, to a whole different existence, as an adult, with no logic or control.  Your school will say you should mature in some way (say, they suddenly start assigning big term papers instead of small essays for homework); your parents want you to mature in others (say, they want you to get a paying job), and your body wants you to mature in yet others (for eleven years, the only hairs you had were on top of your head, but suddenly…!).  And meanwhile, your school wants to keep you from Continue reading