Category Archives for "Featured Questions"

0 How to stay safe on a blind date

Reena asks: I just met a guy on Tinder three weeks back. It was barely two days of chatting and he asked to meet up. I was wary because, though Tinder is a dating app, 95% of the times you will find people there only looking for hook ups. So I decided to take it slow with this guy. Now, initially this guy was quite a Gentleman, showering me with compliments, initiating contact, no mind games, no ego issues, too good to be true I’d say. In a way, exactly what I was looking for. He also told me, ‘we have a connection, there’s a chemistry we have’ he said. But he has also admitted he is quite lonely. Then, in the past two weeks, his questions have been pretty sexual in nature: what I’m wearing, asking me to come home etc. While I am looking for a relationship, he has told me, “Lets just go with the flow.” I know what guys mean when they say this! However, it is also true that while men are just planning the 2nd date, women are planning their wedding. So I am just confused. I don’t know if this guy just wants me sexually or actually likes me. I know I like him, and he’s told me he likes me. I am paying attention to his actions, he chats with me pretty much the whole day. Messages me as soon as he wakes up and I’m the last person he talks to before he sleeps. My question is, should I give it a chance or run away like I usually do when I sense something is off? My brother advised to go on a first date at least and see how things are. If I don’t like him, then there’s no obligation to continue seeing him anymore. What do you suggest?

Hi Reena –

As you know, I am a VERY protective dog.  While I live for fun, my first priority is always the safety of you, my humans.

So while I’m not against internet dating (after all, that’s kind of how we met!), I care a lot about you protecting yourself when it comes to meeting someone from there.

Now I have no reason to trust this guy, or to not trust him.  He might be only interested in ‘one thing,’ as you suggest, or he may be looking for true romance, but trying to talk tough and cool when he writes you.  (It’s like when Handsome’s walking me and we see another dog, I might want to go sniff and play with the pup, but I’ll start barking and acting like I’m vicious just to look cool.)

My thought is kind of like Continue reading

0 What to do when someone who likes you goes out with someone else

Confused asks: So there’s this guy I really like and he likes/liked me I don’t really know it’s really confusing and my friends have talked to him and they said that he told them that he likes me and he knows I like him but one day out of no where this girl asked him out and he said yes so I don’t know if he’s trying to make me jealous or if he just stopped liking me. What should I do?

Hi Confused –

Of course, I don’t know what’s going on in his mind – it could be him trying to make you jealous, it could be he stopped liking you, or it could be that he didn’t see you as a possible date so he asked her out instead, or it could be he likes you both… any are possible.

As far as what to do, that’s a tough one.  My first thought is that one of those friends who he talked with before could ask him what’s going on – if he tells them, that’ll be the easiest way.

But another thought is to ask him out yourself.  Just because this other girl asked him out and he said yes doesn’t mean she owns him forever.  It’ll probably feel great for his ego to be asked out by two girls at the same time (how many guys get that?!), but so what?  If he’s worth it, that’s fine.

Or… you could give up on him, and say that if he was willing to go out with another girl, then he’s not good enough for you – that he should have asked you out instead.

I can’t tell you which one would be the best (though if one of your friends can find out something from him, that will sure help).

But please let me know!  I’ll be excited to find out!

Best of Luck!

2 How to help an online friend in difficulty.

wxyz asks: I have a ‘virtual relationship’ with a classmate; her boyfriend is also my classmate too. It’s been so hard to see her with another man, but it’s a great pleasure to talk with her in chat. She is taking care of me to recover from my dark addiction. In reality, she can’t talk to me – that’s a painful truth, I accept happily. I am fighting with myself to stand by her and to be worthy of that. I am really grateful to her. Her relationship with her boyfriend is not good. She used to tell me about her difficulties, but recently, she is not interested to share those. I wanna support her back. I do feel good to know her pain, to support her. But, she is keeping her mouth shut and like acting in chat by smiling as if nothing happened. I even feel that she is having under a lot of pressure by maintaining me and her relationship. But, luckily she can’t bid good bye! I wanna erase her pains. Wanna support her. I’d love your thoughts.

Hi wxyz –

You’re right – it does make it difficult for you to keep this ‘virtual’ relationship going when you hear that her relationship isn’t good. But I think there are other things you can do besides dealing with her face-to-face.

Think about my relationship to you. I’m trying to help you, right? Even though we’ve never met, and might well live in different continents.   So why can’t you do the same for her. Even if she doesn’t want to give you details, can’t you tell her “You deserve the best,” and “You should be very happy, and if someone’s making you feel unhappy, they’re not good enough for you.” Even if she doesn’t respond, you know she’ll hear it.

Think of how helpful you two could be for each other! Her helping you on your road to recovery from the addiction, and you helping her feel good enough about herself not to stay in a bad relationship.

In fact, you probably can do this better through media than you ever could in person, just because everything’s so much scarier with the person right there. (Again, isn’t it easier to write me your private concerns, rather than talk to someone about them out loud? That’s the way you can be for her!).

So I’m very happy, and excited that you’re continuing to move forward. And, more important, eager to see you continue!

You’re doing great. Keep it up!

Shirelle

0 What problems come from avoiding social media?

Ayay asks: I don’t take pictures and I’m not a fan of social media. Is it a problem?

Hi Ayay –

What a great question. It seems like every day there’s a new story in the news about someone getting into trouble or getting hurt because of photos on social media. So my first instinct is to tell you “Keep it up! It’ll keep you safe!”

But the other side of that is that, sure it’s a problem. It’s a problem because most people, especially if you’re young, love posting pictures on social media. So that’s where they meet, and how they interact.

Think of it this way. Imagine you went to a school where the only time the students got to socialize was at lunch. And someone asked you “I don’t eat lunch; I spend that time alone doing another activity. Is that a problem?” Well your answer might be, “No, you’ll be so much healthier because our lunches are terrible!” Or “No, what you’re doing is so much better.” But even if both of those were correct, it would still also be true to say “But if you want to make more friends and get more of a social life, then yes it’s a problem.”

The good news for you is that there are lots of other ways to meet people and connect, besides social media. There’s real life, there’re the phone and emails and letters and all that. Or, if you were a dog like me, there are trees, telephone poles, and fire hydrants – which are GREAT social sites that don’t involve electronics or photos! But… I’m going to guess you’re a human.

So my final answer is that it’s not a problem at all, unless you decide you want to enter that social media world. And the day you do choose to, I only ask that you talk with everyone you can – whether teachers, friends, or even me, about how to stay as safe as possible.

But till then, I just say that, like me, you’ll be more connected to real life, you’ll have more time, you’ll have more room in your brain to think, and you’ll be LOTS safer. So if that’s a “problem,” that’s the kind of problem I like!

Thanks again!

Shirelle

0 What to do if your crush insists on you telling them

Sphumelele asks: I have a really huge crush on this guy, I befriended him and we’ve been hanging out a few times and he’s great company. I told him one day while we were texting that I’m crushing on him and his reply was, “we’ll talk when we get together again,” and that I shouldn’t be a coward by telling him this over the phone. Now my worst fear is that he might tell me he doesn’t feel the same, and it’s something I don’t want to hear looking at him rather a text or a phone call. How do I know he feels the same?

Hi Sphumelele –

Ooooh, do I love crushes!  They’re so much more fun than just friendships or even romances – they’re nothing but magic!  Well, at least until the people actually start to speak.  Then they become more… relationships.  And that’s where you are.

So Sphumelele, I can’t read minds, and I can’t promise what’s going on in this guy’s head.  But I do have a thought:  when someone doesn’t share the same interest someone else has in them, and gets uncomfortable about it, that usually makes them avoid that person.  And certainly avoid the topic.  So when this guy said to you that he wants you to be more brave and tell him face-to-face, that sounds to me like he’s ABSOLUTELY interested!

In fact, the only concern I have is about what he might be interested in!

On one hand, he might feel towards you exactly the way you feel towards him, and so he might want to admit that when you two can… well… do something about it!

And on the other, he might not feel as strongly as you, but he might think it could be a lot of fun to enjoy the effects of your feelings for him.  In other words (to some degree or another) to take advantage of you.

Now that’s not necessarily a bad thing.  If you really want to kiss him, and he would enjoy kissing with you, there’s no real damage done.  But if you’re hoping for a beautiful romance, and he’s thinking of taking things further than you are, and you suddenly find yourself in a difficult situation where you’re saying ‘no’ and he’s saying ‘don’t be such a coward”…  Do you see where I’m going?

So I’m going to recommend two things to you.  First, SURE!  Meet up with him and tell him face-to-face about your crushing!  You know he’ll be happy to hear it, and won’t reject you.

But second, I want you to go to the following page on my website, https://askshirelle.com/2010/06/02/how-should-i-deal-with-it-if-my-date-wants-to-do-more-than-i-do/ , and read that question and my answer.  Because I want you to be happy and strong and the great romantic you are – and not have anything go wrong with it.

Sound good?

Great.  Then GOOD LUCK, and HAPPY CRUSHING!!!

Shirelle

0 Should I date someone who’s still married but working to end it?

Bubbles_101 asks: My boyfriend and I decided to live together. So I am in a relationship with a married guy whose annulment is an ongoing process. But my family and relatives are against it. They said that it would be better to do it in a legal way where he is already legally separated with his ex-wife. But the problem is my family and relatives don’t believe that his annulment is ongoing, and think that he might just be using me. So I am having a hard time thinking and considering everything that they have said. But all I ever wanted is to be with him. Since his a good guy and we both trust each other. We’ve been through a lot. We did wanted it to be legal, but what’s the point if you keep on hearing your family and friends that they don’t like him because his still married, they don’t like trust him because they don’t believe that his annulment is ongoing, they keep on bad mouthing him and degrading him. I feel so disappointed with my family for the attitude that they keep on showing to me. So I wanted your advice whether is it ok to live with him considering that my family and relatives are against it?

Hi Bubbles_101 –

Congratulations on finding someone you’re so crazy about! That’s always good! And I have a couple of different points of view on this one.

The first is the most simple: if he’s actually in the process of getting an annulment from his marriage, shouldn’t he have some proof – letters or forms showing it? Even though you trust him, you could ask to see them just so you can tell your family you have, as proof that it’s legitimate.

But the second is tougher. There’s a reason Continue reading

0 How to handle it when your boyfriend wants to hang out with his friends.

SelenaStupid asks: I feel left out and sad when my boyfriend hangs out with his friends. He doesn’t have many friends, plus there is this female friend that he hangs around. He gives me his attention so much. And he loves me. But it bothers me when he hangs around with her. Also I cannot ask him to lose his friends because he has so few. It bothers me. I need help

Hi SelenaStupid –

I don’t know, SelenaStupid, you don’t sound all that stupid to me!  Sounds to me like you’re very aware of the situation, and understanding of all sides!  Maybe I’ll just think of you as SelenaSmartButFrustrated!  How’s that!

I actually think you and he are in a pretty good place.  You know he loves you, and he shows you lots of attention when you’re together.  That’s great!  But you feel left out when he’s with his friends.

Boy do I relate to that!  My human Handsome loves me more than anything on this earth, but he goes out with his human friends all the time – often to places I can’t go, like movies and restaurants – but then sometimes he comes home and I can smell that he’s been playing with his friends’ dogs!  I’m not exactly jealous about that – I don’t get upset about him being with other dogs – but I do feel like I missed out.  After all, I love being with him, I love being with his friends, and I’d especially love playing with those other dogs, but I got left at home the whole time!

But you’re in a better position than I am.  I won’t be able to change his mind about seeing friends or going to places I can’t go.  At times he’ll choose to spend more time with me and not with them, but that’s another story.

But is that what you are saying you want?

I’m not sure if you’d like to be included more, when he’s with his friends, or if you just want him more to yourself.  It sounds like you accept the fact he needs those friends, so I’m wondering if you could maybe join in with them a bit more.  Not every time, but just some of the times that he spends with them.  I’m thinking that might take away some of the “left out” feelings.

But also, maybe you need to Continue reading

0 How to break up with someone kindly.

Mercy asks: I really need some relationship advice here. My boyfriend, a very sensitive, childish person who couldn’t use his brains once to think maturely, is getting on the very last of my nerves. You see, he is two years younger than I am. And we’ve been together for a year now. I just feel that I am not being heard at all. And I’m always wrong in an argument. I shouldn’t hang out with my best friends. God! So many restrictions. And he doesn’t trust me! It’s so frustrating! So I don’t wanna be in a relationship with him anymore. But the thing is, I am very emotional and I get sad just by the thought of what doom it might bring to him. So I’m just being miserable with no idea what to do. I desperately wanna get outta this relationship w/o much damage done. Really need some advice on how to do that.

Hi Mercy –

This is an ageless dilemma.  Most humans hope to commit to just one person in their lifetime, which means they have to either get rejected by, or break up with, every other person they ever get involved with.  Which is so tough, for both people, each time.  In fact, you’re in a better-than-average position, as you’re really fed up with this guy, not just feeling “he’s not the one” or “the spark is gone.”  But still, you’re asking how to break up with him in as kind and harmless a way as possible.  Which stinks EVERY time.

I go through this every morning.  You see, we dogs don’t have nearly the awareness of time that you people do, so when Handsome heads off to work, or to the gym, or to visit someone, and leaves me at home alone, I feel completely rejected.  He doesn’t love me, he doesn’t want me anymore, and he’ll never come home again so I’m trapped in here to starve: these are just what goes through my head every time.  Now as I’ve gotten older, I’ve gotten more used to it, so I don’t believe it as much as I did when I was younger, but yeah, the thoughts are still there.

And this is why you’re feeling so sad: you relate!  You can be pretty sure that your boyfriend will have awful thoughts like that you don’t love him, you never loved him, you hate him, and that he’ll never find another romance as long as he lives.

But just like me, he doesn’t have to hang onto those beliefs too long.

The first question I need to ask you is what relationship you’d like to have with him.  So many humans say “Let’s be just friends,” but they don’t actually have any intent of speaking to that person ever again.  I prefer honesty, and he’ll want to know, so it’s important for you to choose, before you bring this up to him, just what you’d like.  (Of course, he may not accept what you request – you might hope to stay friends and he might say “Nope, you’ve hurt me and I have to avoid you for a while.”  And that’s perfectly okay, and you should respect that wish from him).

But once you make that choice, my belief is that you should be as clear and straightforward as possible.  The worst breakup Handsome ever did was with a woman who he wanted to understand that he really cared about – he just wanted out of the romance.  So he took her out for dinner, to a concert, had a wonderful night, and then told her he wanted to break up. She was horrified – she’d thought all his actions meant he was more committed than he’d been before! – and then spent years (yes, years!) telling people how he’d cruelly set her up in order to hurt her as much as possible.  This was all before he met me, but as far as I know, she’s still talking about it!

Instead, I suggest you do one of two things.  First you could Continue reading

0 When should you tell a date about your physical issues?

Jen asks: I read a post of yours which included the disclosure that your human Handsome had been out on a few dates with a girl with a prosthetic leg. She kept quiet before letting him know. I recall you indicated he did not think it was a big deal because he had liked her from the first moment. But the question is, would he even have gone out on the first date if she had disclosed that fact before they physically met? Would he have welcomed her, or ask for subsequent dates? And overall, does omitting certain physical facts make connections possible?

Hi Jen –

Well I can’t speak for other guys, but Handsome was really clear about this to her and to me at the time – it didn’t bother him in the least; he’d have been very happy to go out with her, knowing about the leg.  In fact, he found it pretty fascinating.

The fact is, everyone has things that bother them, about others.  I love most people, but sometimes I’ll meet someone and just start barking.  I don’t even know what it is – something about them triggers me.  Maybe they remind me of someone who hurt me in the past, I don’t know.

So yes, that woman had known lots of guys who had rejected her because of her leg.  But those same guys might go out with a woman who was rude to a server at their restaurant table, and been fine with it, while Handsome would never ask her out again.  (In his book about me, he wrote very proudly that if I were in a fancy restaurant, I might jump onto people and steal their food, but I’d never insult the waiter!)

But that doesn’t mean Handsome thought she was wrong not to have told him about her leg.  He realized (and talked with me about it a lot) that she’d simply had no choice – as she said to him, “When is the right time to bring this up?!”  There isn’t one.  As much as he wouldn’t have been bothered, there are other guys out there who might not ask out a woman with that issue, but would be willing to stay with her after they got to know how wonderful she was, regardless of the leg.

So if you have some issue like that, something you’re kind of afraid to tell people about at first, my best suggestion is to try different things.  See what happens if you tell them at the beginning, and what happens if you hold off till later.   Maybe you’ll find it makes no difference.  And maybe you’ll find people treat you very differently.

And if you think of it, I’d sure love for you to tell me what happens!  I’d be fascinated to learn what you discover!

Thanks!

Shirelle

0 How to get your sibling to live a better life

Cupcake11 asks: I’m having a problem again…I feel so helpless.. My brother is only 15 and he is completely detached from my family, I mean my mom and dad. He doesn’t talk to us properly, argues, and makes the other person cry. He gets angry very fast and then throws things here and there. I’m very worried for him because his only goal in life has become to hang out, or to own a bike or a car, or to be in power and bully, or to drive or to chill out with friends and friends who aren’t proper. His friends are all spoiled rich brats who drink, smoke, and bully people. And if someone messes up with them they use their power to torture them.. I feel my brother has a psychological issue. The way he reacts to things is very annoying and very scary at times.. He doesn’t listen to anyone. I went to have a heart to heart conversation with him and he got annoyed and started misbehaving. He doesn’t respect anyone older than him, and, God knows why, he thinks my parents love me more than him, when there’s nothing like that. Since he was kid he’s been stealing stuff and telling lies. My dad used to hit him, and probably that has made him so wild. He met with an accident twice but still he drives rashly. What can I do to get my brother to live a better life, and not a materialistic one?

Hi Cupcake11 –

Wow am I sorry!  This sounds incredibly difficult – for you, for your parents, and yeah, for him too!

My first thought as I began reading was “This is normal.”  Most teens go through some sort of rebellious phase, and 15 is a very normal age for that.  It can come out as just withdrawal from everyone, or as anger, or as this sort of misbehavior.  Sometimes it can be two of those, or all three!  But then you point out that some of this has been true for years – from his stealing and lying to being hit by your father.  And so it hits me – this is likely a deeper problem (in addition to the normal teen stuff).

Of course, lots of the time stealing is done just because someone wants something.  I am too honest a dog to pretend that I haven’t stolen food off of a dining table, or from another dog; I’ve done both quite a few times.  (And if you count eating out of the wastebasket, I’m a career thief!).

But when a kid does it a lot, it usually shows that he’s trying for power.  Same with lying – a little bit of lying to get out of trouble is no big deal, but if a kid does it often, it’s likely a way for him to feel in control more in life.

And when you mix those with what he said to you about you being the more loved one, I’m guessing that feeling has been there all his life.  “Cupcake11 is the favorite, she’s the one they always like, she’s the one they give stuff to.”  Even if they started out treating you both the same.

The problem is, once you start misbehaving out of that feeling, it begins to seem like it’s proving itself!  “See?  I got in trouble and she didn’t.  That proves they like her better!” (even if he’s the only one who broke any rules).

And then, sadly, after a while, that sort of behavior gets everyone to look at him just the way he thinks they do – as the troublemaker, as the “bad kid.”  And then it’s just about impossible for him to break out of this identity.

So you’re right to worry – he’s in a bit of a crisis.  The giant question is Continue reading