Bubbles_101 asks: My boyfriend and I decided to live together. So I am in a relationship with a married guy whose annulment is an ongoing process. But my family and relatives are against it. They said that it would be better to do it in a legal way where he is already legally separated with his ex-wife. But the problem is my family and relatives don’t believe that his annulment is ongoing, and think that he might just be using me. So I am having a hard time thinking and considering everything that they have said. But all I ever wanted is to be with him. Since his a good guy and we both trust each other. We’ve been through a lot. We did wanted it to be legal, but what’s the point if you keep on hearing your family and friends that they don’t like him because his still married, they don’t like trust him because they don’t believe that his annulment is ongoing, they keep on bad mouthing him and degrading him. I feel so disappointed with my family for the attitude that they keep on showing to me. So I wanted your advice whether is it ok to live with him considering that my family and relatives are against it?
Hi Bubbles_101 –
Congratulations on finding someone you’re so crazy about! That’s always good! And I have a couple of different points of view on this one.
The first is the most simple: if he’s actually in the process of getting an annulment from his marriage, shouldn’t he have some proof – letters or forms showing it? Even though you trust him, you could ask to see them just so you can tell your family you have, as proof that it’s legitimate.
But the second is tougher. There’s a reason annulments and divorces take a long time – the people in charge of them know that very often they fall apart. The couples file for them because they’re going through such difficult times, but while they go through all the paperwork and bureaucratic awfulness, they start to miss each other and realize ways to resolve their problems, and next thing you know they’re back together, in a stronger marriage than before.
Now I don’t know if that’s likely in your boyfriend’s case – the fact that he wants to move in with you sure does sound like he’s really done with that marriage. But I do just want you to be careful. I’ve seen humans go through such pain from falling in love with someone who’s married – especially a married person who treats them with love and devotion, and swears they’re leaving the marriage.
Now if your boyfriend was still living with his wife, I’d be barking loudly at you to not get involved yet – that until he’s actually moved out, you’re just a phase of their marriage (I know that sounds demeaning – and from what I’ve heard, living it is even more so!). But that’s not the case, so all I’m doing is expressing concern.
So again, my first bit of advice is to ask him to show you proof so that you can quiet all those worried voices down. But my second is to check him out even more closely – just in the way he acts, how he’s being – to make sure, very sure, that he’s ready to move on.
Moving in together is a huge step for any couple, and filled with pitfalls. With someone in his situation, it’s even more so. So I’m not saying not to do it, but I am saying to be super super super careful!
Think of it this way. It’s like me crossing a busy street. Now me doing it without a person, just running in front of a car, is a terrible idea (which I still do all the time, if I see a cat on the other side; it scares Handsome to death!!). But if I do it on a leash, with him, we can make it – as long as we’re both very cautious.
That’s what I want you to be.
Oh and I want one other thing – PLEASE LET ME KNOW HOW IT GOES! This is a really exciting situation!
All my best,