Category Archives for "Featured Questions"

0 What to do when your boyfriend or girlfriend encourages you to date others

Jewell asks: My boyfriend of 2 years told me, after I gained admission to university, that I should try other guys and enjoy myself in school, so as not to be blinded by my love for him. He told me he wants to be part of my world, not my whole world. That I should be focused in school and achieve something. He is far away from me but we don’t talk always, as he said we shouldn’t always talk. He said he loves me so much but if I was around I would have been his whole world. I’m confused I don’t know what to think anymore.

Hi Jewell –

I have a few reactions to this.  First, it definitely does sound like he truly cares about you, and wants the best for you, and that’s a great thing, no matter what.

Second, it’s clear he wants you to live your life as well as possible.   Again, that’s great.

Third, it sounds like he’s worried that being fully attached to him would hold you back.  Which again shows him to be a good guy, but isn’t exactly how you feel about the relationship!

Which leads me to number Four, which is kind of funny.  Because he is working so hard to let go of controlling you, but in so doing, he’s actually being very  controlling!  It’s not you who’s saying you want freedom to date, or to focus more in school, or to talk less; it’s him!  And all for your sake!

And this all puts you in a tough place.  It would be awful to argue to him that he’s wrong, that you do  want him to be your whole world and for you to be his – and then suddenly get focused on school and want to date new guys and all that!  But it’s also tough to just say “Okay, thanks for the freedom,” and go off to do things you don’t really care about!

So here’s my suggestion.  First, point out my Continue reading

0 What to do when your husband’s family makes him choose between them and you

Join my pack asks: I’ve been in a marriage for the past five years, but most of the time our life is in problems based on our family surroundings. I want some respect from my partner’s family, but that is not given to me properly and he won’t give them up. I think he didn’t give priority to me, and this affects me and our relationship badly. What should I do?

Hi Join my pack –

I find this situation so sad.  Why would a family not treat their young man’s wife with respect?  Don’t they realize that you are part of their family now?  One of them?

But in the end, I have to really take a hard look at your husband.  Because he’s the one who chose you, and he’s the one who made the full commitment to you.  So it’s his job to get them to treat you better.

I can relate to your situation.  I was a pretty awful puppy (very destructive, always biting everyone and everything), and my human friend Handsome’s family developed some negative feelings about me.  But he has always defended me to them, insisting that I’m “The Best Thing Ever,” and that they had to treat me well (and I did get better!).

But a bigger deal has been Handsome’s girlfriends.  Some of them really haven’t cared much for me at all (I think they’re jealous, which is goofy!), and he’s been put in some really awful situations.

In one case, one of them literally asked him to decide between us – did he choose her or me?  He loved her lots, had hopes of marrying her.  But he realized something very dark and serious.

He realized that only one of us would ever (or could  ever) ask him to make such a choice.  So he chose Continue reading

0 What to do when someone pulls away after online intimacy

Jaggu asks: I met a guy through online chatting. We grew close in a few days and I proposed to him. He admitted that he likes me. After that we chatted and video called continuously, and after about a month we proposed love for each other. Then his exams started and he firstly started ignoring me, then eventually he stopped all the messages and calls. He didn’t even contact me after the exams, and forgot my birthday. After this I directly confronted him and asked him if he wanted to breakup with me. He refused and told me that he is busy with his work nowadays and he will not talk to me every day but some days only. I miss him very much and I love him genuinely. I don’t know what to do now. I don’t want to break up with him. Can you tell me what to do?

Hi Jaggu –

I have a pretty strong opinion about this one.  Being a dog, my relationships with others aren’t exactly the same as you humans have.  For example, my best friends are dogs I like to play roughly with – we tumble and pretend-fight and have a great time.  We don’t talk and text and go to movies.  And my closest relationship, with my human friend Handsome, also is mostly non-verbal, and very unlike any human relationship I know.  But in both cases, these are wonderful relationships, because we all know exactly what we are and what we’re doing.

Now when I hear about someone meeting in online chatting, I think that’s great (as long as it’s all safe).  After all, it’s kind of like the relationship you and I have right here.  But would I call it “committed?”  No, most definitely not.  I talk with other people on this website, and you have your own life.  We might talk again tomorrow, or we might never talk again, and either way is okay.

So when this guy says you and he have a boyfriend-girlfriend relationship, but then he doesn’t communicate with you much, or even remember your birthday – I have to ask, what kind of Continue reading

0 At what point do you call a behavior cheating?

Sid8879 asks: I have been in a relationship for the last 3 years (now a long-distance one), and my girlfriend cheated me two or three times. I caught her chatting with her ex and other boys in flirty ways. I really love her a lot and can’t lose her. Every time she says it’s my fault – why am I spying on her? She is not ashamed or guilty that she has cheated on me, but she shouted at me because I spied on her. She doesn’t share anything with me, she always keeps scolding me. She always talks rudely, but I can’t face her. It’s like I have lost all my self-respect. I really want to forget her. Today she fought with me because I didn’t pick up her call – as I was in the washroom – and she broke up with me. I’m really losing my self-respect. I really love her and want her back. I want to be happy. But I am fed up with her lies.

Hi Sid8879 –

I guess I have two answers for you.  First, it does sound like she’s treating you badly, and ruining your self-esteem.  I’ve watched my human friend Handsome in relationships that do that to him, and it never works out well: the lower his self-esteem gets, the less she cares for him, and so it’s just a question of when it will all end (and not if).

So if things are really this bad, even though you still love her, you might consider ending the romance – even though you say she already did it.  (And if she wants you badly enough, that might make her willing to change her behavior, and treat you with more affection and respect, even from a distance).

But second, I am a bit confused.  You say that she Continue reading

0 What to do when your boyfriend or girlfriend suggests an open relationship

Jewell asks: I’ve been in this relationship for 2 years, but during the journey we broke up for like 6 months. I couldn’t move on with my life, just found myself thinking of him every passing day. After a while we got in touch again. We started talking and I found out we’d broken up cause of just a misunderstanding. We got back together, but things haven’t been the same since then. This relationship is now from a distance. We only talk once in a while. This is hurting me so badly but I just love him too much. He told me he loves me but that I shouldn’t be blinded by my love for him. He said I should have another relationship to check if I can love another. I should enjoy my life as a student; he doesn’t want to restrict me. I should make him part of my world, but not my whole world. I find this confusing. Should I continue in this relationship? Though he tells me he loves me, he wants me to determine what I want. We hardly talk and if you think I should continue, what should I do to make this relationship work?

Hi Jewell –

I appreciate your asking me these things, but I think you’re asking the wrong dog.  The only one who can answer these questions is him.  But I’d ask them in different ways:

First, what does he want from you?  What does he want in this relationship?  Is he only concerned about the future (maybe he’s testing to see how committed you’d be over time; after all, you guys did break up for six months, so he might be scared to commit if you’re not fully in)?  Or is he unsure about things as they are, and maybe looking to get involved with other people, and would feel better about it if you did the same?

Second, where does he see this relationship going?  Is he thinking about marriage?  Is he thinking past next week?

Third, why are things so distant?  Does he like it this way, or is he frustrated too, the way you are?

And fourth, what does he mean by Continue reading

0 What to do when your boyfriend’s or girlfriend’s parents family reject you for having a handicap

Sneha asks: I was in a relationship. As I am handicapped, his parents rejected me. After that he apologized on behalf of his parents, but he left me alone after one month. I was ill so I contacted him again. He was talking with me nicely, but not casual, but again he started me neglecting me. I don’t know what to do.

Hi Sneha –

I get lots of letters from people in relationships with boyfriends and girlfriends who run hot-and-cold.  One day they’re friendly, the next day they’re distant.  And my usual advice to them is to talk to these people about it and tell them how it bothers you, and see if they change.  If they do, great; but if they don’t, I suggest they leave, because these people are showing them just the way they’ll continue to treat them in the future.

And my advice to you is the same.  But I’m extra-bothered by something else you say in your letter.  This guy was in a relationship with you, but his parents rejected you because you have a handicap?  What sort of jerks are they?

If a handicap makes you unattractive to someone, that’s sad but understandable.  But this guy liked you, was attracted to you.  And his parents said your disability made you unacceptable?  I think that’s crazy.

Has your boyfriend ever asked his father what would happen if his wife was in a car accident and became wheelchair-bound – would he divorce her for that?  Or has he asked his mother what she would do if her husband had a stroke and lost some of his speaking ability?  Move out of the house?

Love is a beautiful thing, and truly committed marriages are profound.  I don’t know where you live and what actual words your wedding ceremonies include, but I’ll bet they have some sort of concept along the lines of “for better or worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, till death do us part.”

I live with a human who loves me like crazy.  And if I don’t do something stupid like get hit by a car while chasing a squirrel, I’m going to become either sick or old or both.  And I know my human won’t reject me for that.  He’s told me, he considers it a sacred duty, that he will stay with me until the very end, however that happens.

You deserve that too.  Of course I know there’s nothing “lucky” about your disability, but there is something lucky about how it’s shown you what your boyfriend’s family really is.

So if you break up with him, I’m sorry and hope you find someone else very soon.  But if you two try to work things out, I’d strongly suggest you get him talking about his parents’ values, and whether or not he shares them.

Because I’m REALLY  bothered by what they did!

All my best,

Shirelle

0 What to do when a pursuer pulls away

Free asks: I was in a relationship with this guy for the past month. I’ve known him for five years, but wasn’t so close before. He always keeps messaging me and says that he loves me, but when I initially kissed him, then all those things went a little less. Moreover he’s having his studies, and his parents are mad at him because he doesn’t study. He didn’t spend New Years with me. I felt bad, but instead I messaged him keeping my ego aside. But he read the message and didn’t reply for days. I even asked him later if everything was okay – and he even didn’t reply. What should I do?

Hi Free –

So if I’m understanding correctly, for almost five years he’s been pursuing you, telling you he loves you, and such.  And then a month ago you two finally kissed, and since then he’s been distant?

Well you may be right to focus on his studies and his parents; maybe he’s under lots of pressure to think about something other than you.  But if so, he ought to have the courtesy to tell you!  Maybe he needs to stay focused till some tests or something.  But the only way for you to know that would be if he opened up about it.

Or perhaps he’s a guy who, like all us dogs, just loves the thrill of the chase.  So much so that, once he’d managed to get you to kiss him, suddenly he lost interest in you.

In either of these cases, my inclination is to Continue reading

0 How to make a relationship work after losing a child

Positivevibes asks: The last 2 years have been a rollercoaster for me and my partner. We have been together for 3 years. All started off well – he has a 9-year-old son, and after we met I soon fell pregnant with our daughter. We found out she had a heart condition that was serious and affected her daily life. In the first 3 months of her life I ended up with postnatal depression as I found things difficult, and me and my daughter went in to a mother and baby unit. After I got better we soon settled in to being back home all together. Then when she was 8 months, my partner became unwell with bowel cancer. And when our daughter was one she went in for open heart surgery and was touch-and-go for 3 months. Remarkably she pulled through. During this my partner underwent chemo so it was a heart breaking time for all of us. In March they both were on the mend and things settled. But by this time, my partner and I were hardly ever intimate. Then, in September, our daughter died. We are both struggling with this. I do understand that his feelings are all over the place, but we have not been intimate for months. He only cuddles me when we sleep, we barely talk, and he only says “I love you” if I say it to him. I have tried so many times to talk to him about it all, but he won’t talk. He just says he does not know what’s going on with him and shrugs. Every time I ask him I feel like we end up in an argument. I am really struggling. I have been trying to lay off the subject as I feel like it’s pushing him further away, but I’m so lonely and I am an affectionate person – I need to feel loved; instead I feel so lonely – and it’s also making me feel unattractive (I have put on weight and I don’t look the same as I did when we met). I end up crying myself to sleep most nights. We are in desperate need of help. I just don’t know what to do any more. I can’t lose him as well.

Hi Positivevibes –

Normally, we dogs look at you humans as lucky.  You can drive around, you can shop at grocery stores, you can play video games… but your story reminds me that a human can go through tragedies that make us sound like the lucky ones.

Of course everything else you’ve dealt with sounds bearable to me; it’s the loss of your baby daughter that breaks my heart.  I know that’s a wound that can never be healed, for you or for her father.  I’m just so horribly sorry.

The trick, for anyone who’s undergone such a horrific loss, is to Continue reading

0 What to do when you’re in a relationship with someone who loves you but is always rejecting you

Leonardo03 asks: I’m in a relationship in which romance does not exist. I always get rejected by her and I’m so tired of being rejected. I love her so much and she love me too but I want to feel to myself that she can give her all for me.

Hi Leonardo03 –

I’m a little confused by your question, but I find that this sort of confusing relationship exists often between people.

You see, to my doggy brain, it makes no sense that this woman is always rejecting you, but she loves you.  Yet I’ve seen this happen often.

To my eyes, there are two possible things going on.  One is that she loves you, but either doesn’t want what you want in terms of physical intimacy, or wants it but is afraid of it.  In either case, you’re finding her behavior “rejecting,” while to her, she’s just trying to protect herself.

Imagine if you were with a woman who insisted that you eat broccoli, but you hate broccoli.  And every time she offered it to you and you said no, she took it personally.  That would seem ridiculous, wouldn’t it!  Well, maybe, to her, this is that same situation.  She’s shy or nervous or just more prudish than you, but in no way wants to reject you or send you away.  Instead, she really loves you and wants to keep you close to her however she can – but not in a way that feels harmful to her.

If this is the case, then you just simply need to communicate more.  You need to let her know what you’re feeling, and she needs to let you know where she’s at.  Maybe she’s hoping you two marry, and that then she’d be able to give you all of her body and soul.  Maybe she’s waiting to see further signs that you’re committed to her.  Or maybe she just needs a little more time.  In any of these cases, if you’re willing to wait, she’s saying that you’ll get everything you want from her – but not till then.  Are you okay with that?  If so, then relax and give her that time.

But now, there is another case, and I’ve seen this one too.  A man Continue reading

0 Why men may develop breasts (gynecomastia)

Ryan asks: I have gynecomastia, a common problem in many today. I’ve been mocked by my friends, called names and embarrassed all my life. Recently my relationship almost broke up due to this. The girl found out and started to ignore me. I’m unable to work or think about anything else. Please help.

Hi Ryan –

For those who don’t know, gynecomastia is a condition where men develop breasts like women’s.  This is a true medical condition, not the “man-boobs” people jokingly refer to in overweight men.

The good news is that this is fully treatable.  Just as cosmetic surgeons can enlarge or reduce women’s breasts, they can reduce the sizes of yours to give you a normal male chest.  I don’t know where you’re from, or what health insurance will cover where you are, but it’s absolutely fixable, depending on your ability to afford it.

I do have a story about this condition, though.  Which might help you from having them grow back once you’ve had them reduced.

You probably know that there was a culture in the west in the Continue reading