Category Archives for "Featured Questions"

0 Should you move away if you feel you don’t fit in?

Wooff asks: I want to go to a university abroad rather than stay in my country, but my mom is not supportive. Her reason being is due to financial reasons but I said I would go if I got a scholarship. It’s not about money, which they have enough to support me with. It’s just more about the fact that she knows that I plan on settling abroad. I really have nowhere else to go or ask someone without getting a heavily biased opinion. Ever since I’ve been young, I’ve wanted to go abroad. While I owe a lot to my country, I do not want to stay in it. At all. I get stared down by men if I do not wear a certain type of clothing. People use their influence/connections to get to higher ranks. You have to be a people pleaser to be successful (which I am not). I have to behave a certain way to please other people, I cannot walk freely with my boyfriend hand in hand. I live in a third world country. I have no freedom, people only watch out for themselves. And I cannot survive here. I am by nature a very sensitive person. And I have been abroad and I love how everything feels so free there. My mom keeps saying “I raised you and now you want to leave me. A lot of people here are surviving. You can go abroad when we’re dead.” I would not have chosen to be born if I knew being in a family is such a give and take situation. I did not chose to be born here. I don’t want to survive anymore, I want to live. I want the basic right to clean air, if that’s not too much to ask for. If she had the best intentions in mind for me (which I doubt now), she would want me to have my best life. I suggested that they could leave with me but she said it’s not that easy. The reason I’d be staying is because I was forced. I think it’s my right to want a better life for me and my future family. I lived as a second class citizen my whole life in this country. Reading in my country’s education system rather than international education system. Only because I was told that it was too expensive and they could not afford it. But now that the decision has come to choose my universities, I want to go abroad. Yes, I’ll prepare for both here and abroad, but if I could get a decent scholarship, I’d leave. But I’m not getting any support to try for abroad. Maybe the best course of action would be to try for both, while focusing mainly on abroad. I don’t want to take a gap year but maybe that would be the best? What do you think Shirelle? Am I being selfish? Am I in the wrong? What should I do? Conform again or live my life? I’m sorry if I sound hateful, but I’ve been living with this anger since high school, and even now, it hasn’t gone away completely. Would really appreciate an unbiased opinion.

Dear Wooff –

So before I answer you, Handsome said “Tell her to listen to Bruce Springsteen’s song ‘Independence Day.’  That’s exactly where she’s at.  At least she won’t feel so alone.”  And I never disagree with Handsome… on music.  (On what he feeds me, and where he lets me go, I disagree with him all the time.  But enough about that.)

Wooff, there are lots of people, I suppose most people, who are very good at living the way they’re supposed to.  They’re nice people, who relate to the social standards of their culture, they work hard enough, they’re good to their families, and sure they make mistakes but overall they do fine.

And then there are the other kinds of people.  People who don’t fit in so well.  They might be good-natured, they might be very kind, they might be brilliant in some ways, but they’ve just never quite felt like they belonged.

There are dogs like that too.  I’m one of them.  And I think you’re one of those people.  So you and I are alike in more ways than just your name and my species sound!

What I’m saying, Wooff, and what Handsome’s saying with that song, is that this isn’t just about right now, and it’s not just about choosing a university, and it’s not even just about your parents and your country.   This is you.  And the you you’re going to be, at some level, forever.

And what this means is that you’re going to be re-inventing yourself, probably a lot.  If you move to another country, if you move back, if you dress less conservatively or more, if you go to one university or another or none, even what you choose to study there. 

I know it feels scary.  You’re right.  People who comfortably live by the rules don’t have to face this particular fear (Of course everyone faces lots of other ones, so it doesn’t mean their lives are necessarily better than yours; they just don’t have to deal with this).  You might alienate people you really love, or you might give in to them and feel that you’ve cheated yourself.

In fact, I’m going to change that last comment.  You WILL alienate people you love.  And you WILL give in to them and feel that you’ve cheated yourself.  You will also be misjudged in bad ways, and given credit for strengths you don’t feel you deserve.  You will struggle and fail, and you’ll struggle and succeed, and sometimes you’ll just give up on the struggle.

My dear friend, of course I can’t tell you whether to stay in your country for university or not.  I don’t know nearly enough to give a decent answer.  But from what you wrote, I sure

0 How to let someone know you’re done in a relationship

Maya asks: I’ve been dating for six years, and now things are complicated. I moved on already but he only knew that I was giving him a break. What should I do?

Hi Maya –

         It sounds to me like you’re saying that he isn’t really clear on how you’re feeling.  And I’m going to guess that that’s because it’s so hard for you to say something that you know will hurt his feelings.  A lot.

         And I’m afraid I have bad news:  You simply are going to HAVE to tell him the truth.  But you can still be kind in how you say it.  Something like “You know you’ve meant the world to me, and I’ll always love you, but I’ve moved on.  I’m looking to date other guys.  What we had was wonderful, but we grew apart in a lot of ways.  And I want something different now.”

         Sometimes it takes even more.  Like having to put rules out there, “You can’t call me, or even text me, till I tell you it’s okay.”  But hopefully you won’t have to do that. 

         But I still have to be honest with you – there’s no way it’s going to be easy for him to let you go after six years.  No matter how old you two are, that’s a big chunk of your lives.  (In my years that’s 42!!!)

         I wish you the best of luck with this.  My only wish is that you try to be as kind as you can, while being clear.  He deserves that.

         Shirelle

0 What to do when she says she wants you to fight to win her

Karagita asks: I have been dating a girl for 1 year now, during this time she has had another man trying to woo her. I have tried talking to her about it but all she tells me is that I shouldn’t worry about it and that if I really want her I should fight for her. Do you think I should continue with this relationship? I’m starting to have doubts.

Hi Karagita –

         Well I’m confused, and I imagine you are too!  This guy is trying to woo her – okay, that only tells me you’ve got quite a catch! – but then she tells you two things:

1. You shouldn’t worry about it

and

2. You should fight for her.

Well if my human friend Handsome offered me a steak and told me, “Don’t worry about it,” I’d say that meant I could have it.  And if he said “You’ll have to fight for it,” I’d think he meant I needed to fight another dog, or maybe him, for it.  Which means I should worry!

But I’ll be honest with you, I think most likely she’s just having fun.  She does completely intend to stay with you, but she wants to see you get huffy and angry and macho. 

It makes me think of an old song Handsome played me once that goes, “I’ll pretend I’m jealous, of all the fellas, and if that don’t do, then I’ll try something new.”  Sometimes humans like it when their boyfriends or girlfriends act jealous; it makes them feel valued.

So my advice is that you occasionally put on a little show for her, “He’d better stay away from you or I’m gonna teach him some respect,” but deep-down know that you’re fine and she adores you.

But if I’m wrong, and she’s actually giving this guy a chance?  Well then you have to ask yourself the big question: if she’s basing her interests on who the best fighter is, is she really the sort of girl you want?

(Oh and by the way, I’m a GREAT fighter, but I hate fighting; if a dog attacks me I fight them just enough to end the fight, and then see if they’re willing to play with me.  Not that that’s what you should do with this guy; I just like to brag sometimes!)

All my best,

Shirelle

0 What to do when you realize you’re being used in a relationship

Jean asks: I met this man in the cafe shop where I worked: he’s my customer, he’s kinda professional travelling for business, he ordered coffee. He stands up and pretended he has something to ask about internet connection, but he was just giving me a small piece of paper with his Facebook account. The first time we met he was forcing me to kiss him and it shocked me, didn’t know what to do. I find out he’s a player, can’t trust him. But I was soft-hearted and went martyr. I still want to meet him despite everything I know about him. It’s not about his profession but it’s how he treated me when I’m with him. I can’t stop thinking of him. He’s a “busy man” with lots of places to travel. He only texts me for his needs and then he’s in a rush for work again. Now it hurts me when he texts me. I don’t know why. I confessed to him that I fell in love with him. But he said that it’s difficult because of the distance but he said he likes me a lot too. What should I do? Should I forget about him? Ignore him? Block him? Or should I text him first? He only wants to flirt. I need help!

Hi Jean –

I see this situation in humans a lot.  You meet someone who shows so much interest in you that it sweeps you off your feet, and then they start treating you badly, or neglecting you, or push-and-pulling… and you’re stuck, not liking the situation but desperate to stay with them.

The problem, and the way this works so well, is that you are so obsessed with him, you’re losing you. 

You call him a “player,” but I’ll say he’s more than that.  He’s what I would call a “collector.”  Like a person who collects different kinds of animals, he’s captured you and now has you where he wants you – but you know you’re only one of his collection.  If he had “had his way with you” and then disappeared, I’d be more likely to call him a player.  But the fact is that being with a player can be kind of fun.  This isn’t.

It’s like when I go to the dog park.  I love getting all crazy with the other dogs, and people petting and hugging and kissing me.  It’s delightful.  But when I’m done there, I want to go home with my human Handsome, not one of these other people or dogs.  Because I know he truly cares about me, and would do anything for me.  They might be more fun and exciting that day, but they might just put me in a cage in their basement if they took me; I’ll take my boring trustworthy guy over that anytime!

This guy is exciting, he’s passionate, he’s a little dangerous – why he almost sounds as great as the movie character Tramp, my romantic ideal!  But Tramp really loves Lady, and devotes himself to her in the end.  This guy… it doesn’t sound so likely.

So my advice, my friend, is for YOU to be the “player” here.  Love him and leave him.  Let him go away and see what happens.

Now maybe he’ll go just bonkers at not hearing from you, and come back to you and beg you to stay with him forever.  Which would be great.  But if not, then you’ll have freed yourself from his – what psychologists call a “Double Bind.”  Where you can’t win no matter what you do.

I’m not blaming you a bit for what you’ve done.  Again, what he did was exciting and romantic.  But not anymore.  So while I wouldn’t put you down for staying, it sounds to me like you’ll have a happier life if you step out of this and open yourself up to new experiences, and maybe a new guy!

All my best,

Shirelle

0 How to find out if someone is interested in you

Grace asks: Me and this boy are talking, but I don’t know if he’s into me and I don’t know how to ask. It seems like he is, but maybe that’s just how he is. I don’t know if we talking is a “thing” or just normal? Do I ask a friend to ask him? How do I know if he actually likes me?

Hi Grace –

I love to brag about how much better we dogs are than you humans, in this regard.  If I like someone, my tail wags when I see them, I run up and jump on them, lick their faces, run around in circles, and bring them toys.  Even people I frighten can tell I really really like them!

But then I look at my friend Aria, another dog who’s been abused and abandoned, and… she’s not like me.  She’s scared of everyone, even people she likes.  Even when her human comes home, who just adores her, she sometimes cowers.  So if you met her, she might keep down on the ground, nervously watching you.  You’d have no idea whether she wanted to lick you or bite you, and you’d be right to hesitate (She’s a sweetheart, but you should always be cautious with dogs who are hard to read).

So maybe we dogs can be difficult too.

Anyway, the good news is this boy isn’t going to bite you in the face.  He clearly enjoys you and wants your company.

But you just don’t know how  he enjoys you!  Is he shy?  Is he being strategic?  Is he just interested in you for conversation?  You simply don’t know. 

But he also doesn’t know how you  feel about him.  And neither do I.  (though I have a guess!)

So my thought is for you to

0 How to help your friend pursue their own dreams

Danish asks: The girl whom I love is in a little trouble. She wants to do photography but her parents are forcing her to study medicine. But can you please tell me how can she become a professional photographer?

Hi Danish –

Boy I wish I could help.  Any photographers I’ve ever dealt with just got their work by submitting photo after photo to magazines, TV shows, websites, anyone, till they sell some.  And I’m sure studying it helps, especially if the teacher has contacts in the business who can help her along.

But beyond that, I really don’t know much about that world.  Her best bet is to talk with any teachers she can.

And I will add – just because her official study is in medicine, that doesn’t mean she can’t take a photography class or two, and connect with the faculty and other students in it.  Lots of students major in a “serious” profession while working on their artistic dreams.  

Just off the top of my furry head – Michael Crichton (the great science fiction writer, creator of “The Andromeda Strain,” “Jurassic Park,” and the TV show “E.R.”) and George Miller (the amazing director of the “Mad Max” movies and “Happy Feet”) went through medical school and became doctors, before their explosive artistic successes.

So my big advice to her is to go for her dreams, even if she keeps obedient to her parents!

All my best,

Shirelle

0 What to do when your heart is broken by something especially awful

AayuTheLegend asks: I got my first breakup. I lost her to my best friend. I just don’t know what to do. I am crying while writing this email. What can you suggest?

Hey AayuTheLegend –

I try very hard on here not to use bad words.  We dogs express our negative feelings through barking, growling, and biting, and there’s no need for us to stoop to obscenities to make things clear.

But here’s an exception:   Breakups SUCK!  And losing your girlfriend to your best friend SUPER EXTRA MEGA SUCKS!!!!!

There’s no way around it, there’s no argument, there’s no possible other side to it.  It just sucks.

But there is one slight positive to it…. afterwards…

Which is that

0 How to tell if someone – who has another boyfriend or girlfriend – is interested in you

Otaku asks: There’s a boy I know who has a girlfriend and has been in a relationship for more than 2 years. But she’s out of city permanently. And now they’re in a long-distance relationship. He and I have been hanging out for few weeks because we’re friends and there’s event coming up . Our club’s organizing it. And there was a time we stayed at our friend’s house and we slept in the same bed and he hugged me. I don’t know if he did that while he was just asleep or it was on purpose. Another time, when he was sleeping in another bed, I noticed he didn’t hug anyone – but he again hugged me and touched my lips the next time we were on a sleepover. So does that mean he likes me? I’m confused. He has a girlfriend.

Hi Otaku –

         Well I don’t know him at all, of course, but I sure have a guess about this! 

         Let’s imagine that I was at that night at that friend’s house.  That my human Handsome had dropped me off there, maybe when he flew off to meet with his family.  And when the night got late, and I got sleepy, I climbed up onto your bed and curled up.  And you got in under the covers… I would absolutely cuddle up to you, soak up your body warmth, and probably give you a number of licks, both to thank you for being there and to make sure you liked and trusted me.

         Then when Handsome came back, I’d be thrilled to see him, and run right into his car, eager to go home with him.

         So would I have liked you?  Sure!  You’re great, and you smelled good, and you let me sleep on your bed. 

         But would that mean I’d have left Handsome for you?  Not a chance.

         So my guess is that you’re seeing something like that.  He hugged you, and touched your lips, because he likes you, and maybe because he’s very attracted to you.  But he still has the long-distance girlfriend.

         However…

         Long-distance relationships are hard, and usually don’t last.  So my big question is

1 Should I leave my spouse for my more exciting ex

Poornima asks: I am a 27-yr-old married woman. My husband is very loving and caring, but I am in love with my ex-boyfriend. He is also loving and caring. We had an affair, and my boyfriend wanted to marry me. We were finding a way how to live together as husband and wife without hurting anybody. But now suddenly he’s started ignoring me. Then I told him one day I was getting a divorce. He started talking with me normally, but he was upset and suddenly not free. When I asked the reason, he said, “I love you but you are with your husband, so it’s very painful for me. Every time I see you with him it hurts. If you would be single, then I would feel comfortable with you.” I am confused, and my husband he is a nice man, so I’m feeling awful about myself.

Hi Poornima –

I would love a lot more information than I have (especially my biggest question – why is your ex an ex?  Who broke up with whom, and why?!), but I’ll do my best to give you an answer.

You have a loving, caring husband.  Have you been together a long time?  Long enough for things to get a little unexciting between you? 

If so, then my guess is that that’s what caused this affair.  You remembered how much more exciting things were when you dated your ex, and he felt the same way too, and then you got together and – wow, it was even more exciting, having this hidden, secret, dangerous romance!

But then suddenly, you made everything more “real.”  You told your ex that you wanted a divorce, and were offering him a committed relationship with you, and he kind of froze.  He got distant, and came up with reasons why, reasons I don’t totally accept.  (I would fully believe a man who said he wouldn’t feel right being with a married woman, and that if she wanted to be with him she’d have to leave her husband first; but he WAS with you – he had an affair with you!  So his discomfort about your marital status doesn’t really ring true for me)

And here’s my big concern.  If what was wrong in your marriage was that things had gotten “stale,” I can promise you, the exact same thing would happen with this guy, over time!

So my suggestion would be to try to work with your husband to make your relationship more exciting, more adventuresome, and yes, sexier!  And if that doesn’t work, then consider breaking up and starting over with this other guy.  But first give your current one a chance – he might just be worth it!

All my best,

Shirelle

0 How much investment in a relationship means you should stay

Melaninin asks: I have been in a relationship for a few years now, on the same campus, but when he finished last year things changed between us a lot. He barely had time for us, and all the communication was not there at all. Then there is this other guy; we’ve been friends for a long time, and he has been interested in me and maybe I like him a little. Things got all romantic between us, and recently my guy found out. We made up, but I had to end things with the friend – not because I don’t love him, but I have really given a lot to the first relationship (financially and materially). But lately I have been feeling I made a wrong decision and I don’t know what to do. Even when we talk about marriage and commitment, all he says is that he’s not ready. Neither am I, but the way he says “God knows best” makes me feel he doesn’t have plans for us.

Hi Melaninin –

         As happens so often, I don’t really know enough about your story to give you a definite answer.  But it sure sounds to my big ears like you’re way more interested in your friend, and he’s way more interested in you, than in your boyfriend. 

         It looks to me like you think you should stay in the current relationship because you’ve invested so much in it.  Well, if that’s the case, I have to ask you a weird question: How