Poornima asks: I am a 27-yr-old married woman. My husband is very loving and caring, but I am in love with my ex-boyfriend. He is also loving and caring. We had an affair, and my boyfriend wanted to marry me. We were finding a way how to live together as husband and wife without hurting anybody. But now suddenly he’s started ignoring me. Then I told him one day I was getting a divorce. He started talking with me normally, but he was upset and suddenly not free. When I asked the reason, he said, “I love you but you are with your husband, so it’s very painful for me. Every time I see you with him it hurts. If you would be single, then I would feel comfortable with you.” I am confused, and my husband he is a nice man, so I’m feeling awful about myself.
Hi Poornima –
I would love a lot more information than I have (especially my biggest question – why is your ex an ex? Who broke up with whom, and why?!), but I’ll do my best to give you an answer.
You have a loving, caring husband. Have you been together a long time? Long enough for things to get a little unexciting between you?
If so, then my guess is that that’s what caused this affair. You remembered how much more exciting things were when you dated your ex, and he felt the same way too, and then you got together and – wow, it was even more exciting, having this hidden, secret, dangerous romance!
But then suddenly, you made everything more “real.” You told your ex that you wanted a divorce, and were offering him a committed relationship with you, and he kind of froze. He got distant, and came up with reasons why, reasons I don’t totally accept. (I would fully believe a man who said he wouldn’t feel right being with a married woman, and that if she wanted to be with him she’d have to leave her husband first; but he WAS with you – he had an affair with you! So his discomfort about your marital status doesn’t really ring true for me)
And here’s my big concern. If what was wrong in your marriage was that things had gotten “stale,” I can promise you, the exact same thing would happen with this guy, over time!
So my suggestion would be to try to work with your husband to make your relationship more exciting, more adventuresome, and yes, sexier! And if that doesn’t work, then consider breaking up and starting over with this other guy. But first give your current one a chance – he might just be worth it!
All my best,