Category Archives for "Behavior"

2 What to do when you’re feeling too needy in a relationship

Ruxar asks: I feel I’m too needy and get upset when my boyfriend makes pointless excuses of not seeing me and it becomes a huge fight. I can’t get over things quickly, so right now, even though we ended the night on a good note, this morning he’s saying he’ll take time to be okay and all that. I just feel scared because last time when my ex fought with me and he said he wanted time, he left me. I can’t eat or sleep right. Am I overthinking or maybe I should just let it be? I feel I’m needy and I want to stop being like this.

Hi Ruxar –

I always have a problem with people being called “too needy.”  I guess I take it personally (if that’s the right word).  You see, we dogs are so affectionate, and so loyal, and care so much about how our people are doing and making them happy.  And some people think that’s just great, and appreciate us for it.  While others push us away, “Ewww, I like cats better, you dogs are too Needy!”

And the fact is that none of us is “too” anything.  Cats are cats, and dogs are dogs.  We’re just who and what we are.

So maybe, if I knew all the details, I’d disagree with you saying that your boyfriend’s excuses are “pointless.”  But I know I dislike you calling yourself too needy, when you do feel that you’re being mistreated.  If his excuses are lies, then how can you be “too needy” by being bothered by them?

What it sounds more like to me is one of two things.  One is that your boyfriend is not being really truthful, and is making you feel like it’s your fault when he lies or covers things up.

Have you ever heard the term “gaslighting?”  it comes from a famous play of many years ago, where a man works to convince his wife that she’s going crazy.  (It was also made into a couple of movies, and one of them won the Best Actress Oscar, so if you can ever see any version of it, I recommend it!) Now your guy may not be as evil as that husband, but it is possible you’re getting gaslighted, at least a little.

But more likely, he’s not doing anything on purpose, but you just need a different kind of treatment in a relationship than he can give you.  You need more reassurance, more contact, more affection.  While he needs more freedom to grow.  This doesn’t make either of you wrong, but you might be wrong for each other.

My human Handsome and I were at a party last night, and a beautiful ballerina was there, talking about how happy she was with her new boyfriend.  Was it because he treats her so well, showers her with attention and affection?  No, it’s because she’d at last found a guy who was as involved in his work as she was in hers, so both felt free to be themselves.  He wasn’t at the party with her, and she said he might show up sometime later, and to her this was the perfect guy.  Most women would HATE having a guy like that, but she loved it.

Meanwhile, the lovely hostess of the party has a boyfriend who’s out of the country, and will be for the next two years.  They talk every day, and their whole lives are built around each other.  I guess you could say they have the exact opposite relationship, which is just right for them (though I’m sure it’s tough!).

What’s right for you, Ruxar?  Someone who’s there all the time, someone who gives you space but makes sure you’re always secure in feeling able to trust, someone who checks in often to make sure you’re still there?  Whatever makes you feel right, that’s what you deserve.

For me, I just love having my Handsome around, I love knowing he cares for me, and I love going out in the yard or a park or beach and running around and forgetting all about him… till I remember him and run to make sure he’s there.  And he is.  That’s the best.

You deserve what’s right for you, Ruxar.  Figure out what that is, and if you get it and still  feel this anxious, then let me know and we can talk about that!

All my best,

Shirelle

0 How to handle jealous feelings when your girlfriend or boyfriend talks to others

Free one asks: My girlfriend is loyal to me but she’s talking very freely with other guys? And I’m feeling very possessive and even having anger problems, so what should I do?

Hi Free one –

I can really see both sides of this issue.  On one hand, if my human friend Handsome comes home and I can smell that he’s been petting other dogs, I find that exciting!  I sniff him all over, lick him a lot – he’s just more interesting than he is other days.

But if I’m with him and he pets another dog, I get very jealous.  I don’t get mad at him, though – I just let that other dog know, in no uncertain terms, that that man is MINE!

Have you ever heard that old Beatles song “You Can’t Do That?”  It expresses just what you’re saying.  That (you’re saying) she can’t talk to other guys.

But I think you’re actually in the wrong on this issue (and it sounds like you agree with me).  Because it’s almost impossible for a woman to not talk to other men.  And if she’s friendly, that talk can look like flirting, or even cheating, to you, if you let it.

The only solution I can come up with is for you to talk with her about these feelings, and arrive at an agreement.  Like, say, she can talk to other guys, but she always needs to come back to you afterward, or needs to make sure they know about you.

Jealousy is a strange thing.  It’s all about insecurity.  Although you know she’s loyal to you, when she talks to other guys, it makes you feel like something’s wrong – that she’s cheating, or they look down on you.  If you can make yourself feel more secure, you won’t mind her doing this anymore.

And again, the best way to make yourself feel that, I’m sure, is for you to talk with her about it.  Even if you two come up with some silly signal (like, say, whenever she’s talking with another guy, she waves to you), whatever works.

It’s great that you care this much about her, and hopefully she takes it as a compliment.  Now if we can just get you two to feel happy and secure, everything will be great.

All my best,

Shirelle

0 How to stop worrying so much about things that might go wrong, when all is going right.

PERFECTION asks: There’s a girl I’m talking with, and she seems to like me back, but I’m scared that one day everything will STOP, she’ll stop talking to me, seeing me and the like. I’m scared that if I stop communicating with her she might forget about me. I’m scared that she might even think I’ve lost interest. I’m scared that all of these will end into nothingness.

Hi PERFECTION –

I can relate to your worries, though I also think you’re worrying about nothing.

You see, just about every day, Handsome leaves me at home alone.  He heads off to work or whatever, leaving me locked in the yard.  And I have no guarantee that he’s ever coming back.  My sensible side worries that he might get sick or hurt, and I’ll be stuck here; my less sensible side worries that he’ll forget about me or run off with another dog.

Now is it possible that something could happen to him, and he never comes home?  Sure.  But if that happened, I know that a friend or relative of his would come over and rescue me.  But is it possible that he could forget about me, or purposely leave me behind?  No Way!

But still I worry.  Because I’m vulnerable in the yard.  There’s no way I won’t.

Now, having said that, your letter sounds downright goofy to me.  No one’s suggesting you stop communicating, but you’re worried that if you do, she’ll forget about you.  Okay, then don’t do that!  You’re also worried that she might lose interest in you anyway.  Yeah, that’s always possible.  She might even decide she hates you, or choose some other guy over you.  These things do happen.

So I’m not going to tell you not to worry.  But I will suggest that you try to worry less.  Because it’s not going to help you at all.

When Handsome leaves me at home alone, I get to chase squirrels, nap, sniff around, and bark at everyone passing by.  It’s a good life, as long as I let it be.

Similarly, you’re doing GREAT right now.  In fact, your worries only exist because you’ve got so much good right now, and you’re scared of losing it!

So my advice is to try to train your brain to Continue reading

0 Should you make someone else your whole world?

PERFECTION asks: Shirelle, a friend told me. “You shouldn’t make someone be your world.” I don’t quite get this thought, and I’ve tried for years already. Can you explain this to me? How bad is it to make someone your world? Is that bad even?

Hi PERFECTION –

Well I’m going to sound like a hypocrite here, because what I say is going to be very different from the way that I live.

You see, as you know, I’m a dog.  And we are genetically programmed to be extremely devoted to one person or pack.  In my case, it’s my human friend Handsome.  I have all sorts of other interests, like chasing squirrels and writing these letters, but in the end, he is my world.

But you’re a person.  And that line you’re asking about was written for people.

There is, of course, nothing wrong with falling head-over-heels in love, or devoting yourself to someone.  That’s just great.  But what they’re talking about is letting, or making, someone ALL you care about.  And yes, this is a recipe for disaster.

First, it’s a lot of Continue reading

0 How to handle being in an affair

Bernice asks: I have a boyfriend, but suddenly felt in love with another person who also has a girlfriend. We both felt in love and had an affair. Now I’m confused if the new guy loves me, because he treats me good and he claims he loves me, but we are both dating. What should I do?

Hi Bernice –

What a situation!  Wow!

Well of course I can’t answer your fundamental question – how he feels about you.  But I can comment on the situation you’re in.  It’s a very tough one.  For two main reasons.

First, of course, it’s hard for either you or this new guy to trust each other, because you know each of you keeps big secrets from the person you’re dating.  So if he says he loves you, if he even says he loves you best of all, why would you believe it, when you can assume he’s saying the same thing to his girlfriend?  And similarly, why should he believe you?

And secondly, you’re in that miserable place everyone who gets involved with an attached person has, where you’re always the second choice.  Since your boyfriend is officially  with his girlfriend, she’s the one who’ll accompany him at any important event, or out with his friends.  Which is of course going to make you feel less-than.  And again, what he’s doing to you, you’re doing to him, in this regard.

So when he says these things, how can you figure out whether or not to believe him?

Well, I can think of three ways.  But both are tough, really tough.

First, you two could Continue reading

0 Is it good to take a break from a relationship

G asks: I’ve been in a relationship for the past year or so. I do love the guy I’m dating but recently I have been overthinking a lot and thinking about taking a break. I get contradictory thoughts: one which says that I love him and another which says that it’s fading away. I don’t know what to do.

Hi G –

The big question here is what exactly you mean by “break.”

For example, I sleep on Handsome’s bed, but every once in a while, I feel like sleeping on the floor for a few hours.  Then in the middle of the night I’ll jump back on and lie next to him, where I feel safe and loved.  So you might say I took a break.

Then once or twice a year, Handsome will leave me, not just for a day or two, but for over a week.  He calls it a “vacation” or “trip.”  Maybe he flies to another city or country (it’s always about him flying; if he can drive, he takes me).  So he’s taken a break from me – even if I wasn’t the reason for the break.

But I’ve also heard humans talk about taking “a break” in a relationship, meaning that they want to try breaking up and see how it feels, and if they want to fully break up or not.

It’s totally normal to feel full-on love at times and not at others.  Especially when a couple’s been together for a long time.  The big question is about the rest of your relationship – is he an ideal partner for you, do you two enjoy each other even when the passion’s not there, and biggest of all – do you think you might want to stay together for a long time, or forever?

If you’re not sure about those last questions, then yes, maybe taking a break is a good idea, just to see how you feel apart.  But of course, doing that might make him go away, while you begin to realize you care more than you’d realized.  So it is risky.  But if we’re talking about the rest of your lives, maybe it’s better to take that risk now than to later regret not taking it.

Still, I know this kind of decision is no fun.  Sorry you have to go through it.

All my best,

Shirelle

0 What to do when someone forces you to stay in a relationship.

Tannu asks: My boyfriend has kept me in blindness. He used to tell me that he is very rich. And he has taken my savings from me and said he will return it to me in two three days. But he has not returned it. I loved him so much. I have done whatever he told me to do, but he has lied to me for three years (taking my money, saying his father was ill). When I came to know about the truth he apologized to me and begged me to leave with him. I am in confusion what to do. But on the other side he used to curse me and put finger on my character. He used to tell me that I would leave him for money and didn’t accept his apology because I started liking someone else. Now I don’t want to stay with him, but he’s forcing me to, to get my money back. I don’t know what to do in this situation.

Hi Tannu –

I have to admit, just from your letter, I’m not liking this fellow very much.  He sounds like a total, awful jerk.  Not just kind of a jerk.

So this is a horrible situation.  And there’s no good easy way out of it.

One answer, if you can afford it, is to just walk away.  Forget about the money, and figure it’s your payment to have a life free of this creep.

But if you can’t afford that, my suggestion is to get some ‘muscle.’  Maybe some lawyers, but someone to confront him and force him to pay you back.

The only thing I really DON’T want you doing is just what you are doing, which is playing his game and staying in the relationship on his terms.  This is soul-destroying, and gives him every reason in the world to not pay you back!

I wish I knew more, and could tell you exactly what to do.  But I can only urge you to choose some solution other than staying.  This current situation just stinks.

All my best wishes,

Shirelle

0 How to keep a relationship working when living together

Lila asks: It’s been only two and a half months and he’s asking me to move in with him. We spent the whole summer together, but people are saying it won’t last, that we will be sick of each other. How can I make that not happen?

Hi Lila –

I’m not sure what you’re asking.  Do you want moving in together to not happen, or getting sick of each other to not happen, after you move in together?

If it’s the first one, you just have to say no, that you love him and want to keep your relationship going, but that it’s too soon for you to do that.  And hopefully he’ll understand.

But if you mean the second, that’s a very common concern.  It comes up with all couples, especially when they’ve been together for a few years.  This is why we see married couples going into couples therapy, or just planning date nights or romantic getaways.  But I think that’s looking too far ahead.

For now, if you two decide to do this, I think the big Continue reading

0 How to get self-esteem back when you’re depressed

Sazuna6 asks: Recently I’ve been struggling a lot. Without getting into specifics, college applications didn’t work out, a relationship that I was super invested in didn’t work out, (the fact that I am still in love with that person isn’t helping), a lot has been going on in the family, and I’m also clinically depressed so I feel like I’m in this downward spiral. I know most of the sadness or hopelessness comes from the depression itself, but if we were to take that out of the equation for a while, how do you think I can get myself back up? I don’t want to be drowning in self-pity right now. College is starting, I want to be able to have a positive outlook, but everything that’s happened just tore my self-esteem to shreds and I’m not sure how I can put the pieces back together. Any word of advice would be super duper helpful <3

Hi Sazuna6 –

I don’t know a lot about what you’re asking in particular – for example, you say that college applications didn’t go well, but then you say that “College is starting” – but I sure do know about self-esteem, and it makes sense that you’re going through a time where yours has taken a beating.  So I can offer a few thoughts to maybe help.

The first, and most important thing, to be aware of is that self-esteem has nothing, and I mean nothing,  to do with reality.  Every day we see people who brag about themselves when they’ve accomplished relatively little, and people who’ve done great things feeling bad about themselves.  Sure, accomplishing things helps self-esteem, and is the best and easiest way to get it, but if your self-esteem relies on success, it’s not real self-esteem.  What we want is for you to feel good about yourself, that you’re “good enough,” no matter how well or badly you’re doing at different activities.

And especially that the three downers you point out are all not your doing.  A relationship didn’t work out – that might be 50% your fault, but no more than that.  College applications didn’t work out – well, lots of schools regret people they pick, and hopefully you learned some things to help you do better next time.  And your family is having problems – well that is SOOO normal, and that doesn’t reflect on you at all!

And then you’re actually clinically depressed.  Or at least you’re saying so.  Have you been diagnosed?  And if so, do you have a doctor working to help you with it, maybe with some medications?  (If not, please do so; it might save your life!)

Okay, so now that we have all that straight, what can I recommend?  Here goes: Continue reading

0 How to avoid someone you’re attracted to

Athika asks: I’m a female and I’ve been in a serious relationship with one boy for a few months. My problem is that I still talk with my classmate whom I used to love and admire a lot. I met with my classmate, which caused serious impact on our relationship. My partner got to know about this and was ready to leave. I just want to stay away from my classmate because I know I seriously love my friend. What should I do now?

Hi Athika –

I just want to clarify your question, to make sure I understand what’s going on.

If I have it right, you’ve been in a relationship with a boy for a few months, but you also have a classmate you have loved and admired, and your boyfriend is jealous about this?  Is that correct?  And so you’re asking how to stay away from the classmate?

If I do have it right, the fact is that you can’t totally stay away from the classmate, as long as you’re in class together.  But you can choose to only deal with them in a “professional” way, only talking about classwork and such.  And that might help.

But at the same time, this is a great time to work with your boyfriend to build trust in each other. After all, you might later have a job with someone very attractive, or he might too.  And trust is really the most important part of any relationship, and this is a great way to work on it.

My real advice on this is to talk very openly about it – a lot – with each other.  See what bothers him, and how you can work together to make the relationship work for both of you.

(But if I misunderstood what’s happening, please let me know and I’ll be glad to give you the right response!)

All my best,

Shirelle