Bernice asks: I have a boyfriend, but suddenly felt in love with another person who also has a girlfriend. We both felt in love and had an affair. Now I’m confused if the new guy loves me, because he treats me good and he claims he loves me, but we are both dating. What should I do?
Hi Bernice –
What a situation! Wow!
Well of course I can’t answer your fundamental question – how he feels about you. But I can comment on the situation you’re in. It’s a very tough one. For two main reasons.
First, of course, it’s hard for either you or this new guy to trust each other, because you know each of you keeps big secrets from the person you’re dating. So if he says he loves you, if he even says he loves you best of all, why would you believe it, when you can assume he’s saying the same thing to his girlfriend? And similarly, why should he believe you?
And secondly, you’re in that miserable place everyone who gets involved with an attached person has, where you’re always the second choice. Since your boyfriend is officially with his girlfriend, she’s the one who’ll accompany him at any important event, or out with his friends. Which is of course going to make you feel less-than. And again, what he’s doing to you, you’re doing to him, in this regard.
So when he says these things, how can you figure out whether or not to believe him?
Well, I can think of three ways. But both are tough, really tough.
First, you two could break up your other relationships. At that point, you could be each other’s “number one,” and all would be fine. Of course, you’d lose all the wonderful things those other people bring you, and have to deal with the pain they’d feel, but it might be the best idea.
Or second, you two could just tell them about what you’re doing. Some people are okay with their partners having more than one romance. Maybe they’d be? Maybe they’d say “Great, I want to date that person over there while we stay a couple!” I know the odds aren’t great, but it could happen.
Or third, of course, you could break off the affair. Decide that you really want to keep those other partners, and end this fling.
I know, none of these sound good. But that’s the danger of affairs. Yes, they’re exciting, but oooh they’re dicey too.
A great cartoonist in Australia made a drawing he called “The Affair” that my human Handsome showed me once. Two boats are in a sea during a terrible storm. Lightning’s flashing, huge waves, and each boat has two people in it. And one person in one boat is holding hands with a person in the other.
That’s you two. Turbulent, exciting, no way to tell what to trust. And it’s possible everything gets destroyed.
Or maybe it leads to something else.
But for now, there’s no way to keep things the way they are and move to a place of security and stability. Something has to change.
It’s all up to you, and that guy. I can’t tell you what you should choose, but if you don’t, something will happen (like, say, one of your partners finds out), and change will happen without you choosing it.
Wishing you the very best with this!