Ruxar asks: I feel I’m too needy and get upset when my boyfriend makes pointless excuses of not seeing me and it becomes a huge fight. I can’t get over things quickly, so right now, even though we ended the night on a good note, this morning he’s saying he’ll take time to be okay and all that. I just feel scared because last time when my ex fought with me and he said he wanted time, he left me. I can’t eat or sleep right. Am I overthinking or maybe I should just let it be? I feel I’m needy and I want to stop being like this.
Hi Ruxar –
I always have a problem with people being called “too needy.” I guess I take it personally (if that’s the right word). You see, we dogs are so affectionate, and so loyal, and care so much about how our people are doing and making them happy. And some people think that’s just great, and appreciate us for it. While others push us away, “Ewww, I like cats better, you dogs are too Needy!”
And the fact is that none of us is “too” anything. Cats are cats, and dogs are dogs. We’re just who and what we are.
So maybe, if I knew all the details, I’d disagree with you saying that your boyfriend’s excuses are “pointless.” But I know I dislike you calling yourself too needy, when you do feel that you’re being mistreated. If his excuses are lies, then how can you be “too needy” by being bothered by them?
What it sounds more like to me is one of two things. One is that your boyfriend is not being really truthful, and is making you feel like it’s your fault when he lies or covers things up.
Have you ever heard the term “gaslighting?” it comes from a famous play of many years ago, where a man works to convince his wife that she’s going crazy. (It was also made into a couple of movies, and one of them won the Best Actress Oscar, so if you can ever see any version of it, I recommend it!) Now your guy may not be as evil as that husband, but it is possible you’re getting gaslighted, at least a little.
But more likely, he’s not doing anything on purpose, but you just need a different kind of treatment in a relationship than he can give you. You need more reassurance, more contact, more affection. While he needs more freedom to grow. This doesn’t make either of you wrong, but you might be wrong for each other.
My human Handsome and I were at a party last night, and a beautiful ballerina was there, talking about how happy she was with her new boyfriend. Was it because he treats her so well, showers her with attention and affection? No, it’s because she’d at last found a guy who was as involved in his work as she was in hers, so both felt free to be themselves. He wasn’t at the party with her, and she said he might show up sometime later, and to her this was the perfect guy. Most women would HATE having a guy like that, but she loved it.
Meanwhile, the lovely hostess of the party has a boyfriend who’s out of the country, and will be for the next two years. They talk every day, and their whole lives are built around each other. I guess you could say they have the exact opposite relationship, which is just right for them (though I’m sure it’s tough!).
What’s right for you, Ruxar? Someone who’s there all the time, someone who gives you space but makes sure you’re always secure in feeling able to trust, someone who checks in often to make sure you’re still there? Whatever makes you feel right, that’s what you deserve.
For me, I just love having my Handsome around, I love knowing he cares for me, and I love going out in the yard or a park or beach and running around and forgetting all about him… till I remember him and run to make sure he’s there. And he is. That’s the best.
You deserve what’s right for you, Ruxar. Figure out what that is, and if you get it and still feel this anxious, then let me know and we can talk about that!
All my best,